I was so pleased to be out again. Sitting among my friends, with the tribe and at the first fires. I admit that I had been lax in my duties since we reached the southern grounds. I had left it for Fonce to secure the wagon and handle all the dirty work, literally. I do not think he minds much, it is just part of his day I suppose. I still have found no real way to show my appreciation. Without him I would not be able to attend to my daughter as much as I have.
This afternoon when I made my way back to the fires I sat beside Fonce, I normally do sit beside him, or walk with him. He is, to put it bluntly, my security blanket. He is the man in my life right now, my guardian and in effect, my daughters guardian. He is my family. So I sat beside him. It is how I mentally hold his hand. Sitting beside him has the same effect on me as his hand on the small of my back would. It gently pushes me forward.. even when I do not wish to go forward.
Today though when I sat beside him.. Seveya immediately got up and walked away. I suppose if she had continued to joke and talk I would have thought little of it but she did not. In fact she stopped speaking all together and looked at me in a strange way a few times. Then Fonce left, he left suddenly as he always does. In a hurry to return to some forgotten task. Perhaps he had forgotten to oil a strap, feed a Kaiila, tend to a slave.. a thousand things could pull a man away so quickly but.. now I had to wonder.
Was it me?
Shortly after Seveya left just as suddenly but with much less cheer then she had before. I do not know what could pull away an artisan away so suddenly. But I felt the tension left behind. Next it was my turn and I rose less swiftly then the others. I paused to hug Cana and make sure to smile at Tarra before I returned to make sure my daughter ate a small meal. But all I can think about now..
Was it me?
Did my choice of seat first drive Seveya away from Fonce and then Fonce away from us all? Then Seveya too? I did not like the way that felt. Not one little bit. I was not well versed in the laws of attraction or jealousies. There had always only been Trayu.. who knew how to sooth any jealousy I ever felt with small kisses behind my ear. Skies.. I miss you Trayu, I miss the simplicity of our lives.
I do not yet know if I will speak to Fonce about this. Perhaps I should. I should make sure I am not standing in the way of what he wants. I do not know Seveya well enough to bring it up to her. I wouldn't know what to say to her anyway. She is my friend though and I hope I have done nothing to hurt her. I hate feeling like she does not like me. I've never really been disliked by anyone but Rosalita and she counts for little.
I nearly burned the Tabuk I was roasting for Lei and myself. My thoughts were filling up too much of my head. I sighed and picked off a small sliver of greasy meat. I blew softly on it before placing it in my mouth. Lei stepped out of the wagon and joined me by the early fire with her green painted bowl. I looked down at her and smiled.
If only everything could be as simple as roasting a bit of meat over a fire.
No comments:
Post a Comment