Have you ever had a secret? One you did not know what to do with, one you did not know who or how to share. Have you ever had a secret that was beautiful and terrible all at the same time? Have you ever held something like that inside of your heart and let it grow there, live there.. and keep you warm?
I have.
I do.
I think I knew first right after my accident with Silver, when Leis fever broke, right around then I began to notice things changing. I changed. Lei has noticed it too but, she has not said anything. The way she looks at me is different, it is a little accusing and I think I understand.
It is nearly impossible to explain how I feel with mere words. My vocabulary is simply not large enough to express what is going on inside of me. When I walk I feel different. I feel fragile and strong, I feel more connected to the earth beneath me. I feel more connected to the sky, like a fine filament thread is running from the core of the planet up though the ground and then up along my spine and out the top of my head to disappear above me into the sky. If I stop and close my eyes... I can imagine my breath traveling along that thread.. giving me life, creating life.. being life.
I have never felt so alive.
When I touch things they hum under my fingers, they seem electric and jumpy. Velvet feels hot to my skin, silk feels cooling.. but it feels in a way it never has before, more intensely then before and I can't help but wonder if the things I touch.. a spoon, a boot, the hem of my skirt.. are they alive too? Are they alive but just dancing too far out of my peripheral vision to be seen? My wagon feels alive and when I touch it I think I can feel the hands of everyone who has helped us though the move, though our loss. I feel their hands on my heart. If I close my eyes I can see their gentle smiles.. and even the smirks.
I want to run in the stream today and feel the water kiss my ankles, soak my skirt. I want to lay in the grass today and breathe in the scent of it. I want to fly today, just out of reach, above everyone’s notice.. I want to kiss you today, Trayu. I want to see you walking back to the wagon.. dirty and dusty and stinking of sweat. I want to run to you and know your dirty hands will stain my white tunic. I want your dirty face to brighten with laughter when I throw my arms around your neck and nearly climb up onto you. I want to feel your strong arms around my waist, holding me too tightly. I want to see you roll your eyes and grin when I say "guess what?!" a hundred times... and I want to see your tears when I tell you that after 4 years of trying... it finally happened.
"You’re going to be a father, Trayu."
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