I had been waiting at Fonce's wagons for a bit, I was bursting at the seams with things I needed to ask and do and say. Some of the things I needed to get out felt like they were sucking me up from the inside. Do you know what that feels like? It's a horrible feeling. Magnificently horrible. I needed to share a part of me with him and while I felt a maddening need to do it right this minute.. I also had patience. A lot of that patience came from all the terrible things I kept imagining him saying. Things like.. 'How could you Asria?' or 'Go away Asria' or even just a simple smirk. The smirk would be the end all and be all.
While I sat there .. I could hear the people at the first fires, laughing and talking and I had been here for what seemed like an age.. so I grinned to myself and got to my feet, hastening to the first fires. I greeted everyone with a smile and then realized I could not be heard over the chatter. So I tried again and Cana flashed me a smile and a Tal. It was enough for me.
I hung by the serving wagon, where all the food was cooking and I could keep my water cup filled. I watched quietly for a bit, everyone was there was brimming with happiness. Somehow all that happy in one place seemed to dim my own. It seemed to amplify how separate I was feeling, even though my head knew I wasn't separate at all! I saw Fonce laughing with Cana and I smiled, watching. I said good bye to Yamka and Seveya as they left and then, just when I was sure I was about to slip into the abyss a little worry can create when I heard a noise behind me.
Fonce's new red headed slave was there, hanging botas and I did not think she was supposed to be. I asked her, quickly, what she was doing there and she told me. She turned out to be a clever thing, though I do not think all of the women will appreciate her humor as I did. She has pretty hair and I'd like to see her keep it. She asked me if I needed anything and I answered a little too honestly.
"I need a little peace."
She smiled and offered to sew my hand to my heart. No, really. Many women would have freaked out but I laughed. It was funny in a dark sort of way. "I do not think Fonce would like that." But really? It would probably get him hot. Two women, a needle, blood and breasts. Hmm.
She offered to try and sew me some peace anyway and I was touched She didn't; know me from a hole in the wall. She had no idea if I was a friend or a relative or his worst enemy and still she'd offer to do something that would make me feel better? How could I not appreciate that, especially that night? I touched her cheek, to draw her complete attention to me and I smiled at her. "Thank you."
I do not hug slaves, I rarely touch them but I have found that they are often the best kind of friends to have when you need to talk, need to be cheered up. I warned her to get going then, before Fonce saw her speaking to people around the fire if she did not have permission, though by then he had already left. I do not think he ever heard or saw me. She grinned at me before disappearing and I made my way closer, to join the Ubar, Tarra and Ogedaii.
The sleen keeper is good for cheering up too. He is funny, genuinely funny in a not so much showing off kind of way. I think Tarra liked him too.. I hope so. I want to Tarra to fall in love, to see it like I do.. That nothing is too much to do or ask or feel for love.. even if it hurts..
Even if you crash and burn and die a slow painful death. Nothing is too much to ask for Love, no risk is too scary to take. But worst of all.. Love does not wait for us to be ready. It comes as it pleases. This was in the forefront of my mind these days, I just had to get those words out of my mouth.. and into the right hands.
Tomorrow night.. I'd wait again.
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