Pedestal

You are the words
I am the tune
Play me.
N.D.

Once things seemed to have calmed down at the first fires Fonce called my name. Cana had just brought me some broth and I was sipping it lightly, my belly was still in knots.

"Come with me." he said. I kissed my friends goodbye and rose, I was anxious to speak to him away from the fires. I had questions and confessions that were .. well, like a fire inside of me. When we reached his wagon, I sat on the steps but he stood, above me, looking down on me intently. I blushed; did he notice how fast I was to color for him?

"You make me feel like a child when you look at me like that." He seemed pleased by this, figures.

We spoke for a moment about my place at the first fires, if I was moving at the right pace. I did not realize this would set the tone for the rest of our conversation.. this idea of rushing and not rushing. I do not rush, I do not hurry things and perhaps this is why I feel behind the others. But he was quick to assure me that I was going at the right pace for Asria and isn't that what matters?

We spoke for a moment about Lei. It had not occurred to me but he was worried about her hearing about this.. and how she would take it. Tonight Fonce was a better parent to my daughter then I was. He said he would speak to her about it and I was grateful. Lei respected Fonce and would take it more seriously from him.

Catch joined us, tending to a rather delicious smelling roast over the fires, she seemed to mingle with the darkness that hung over us, and she weaved in and out of the shadows. I had gotten to my feet.

"You mean so much to me Fonce."

"I know I have been there .. picked up some slack after Trayu died."

"It is more then that." I said quietly. "You mean more to me then someone who repairs my wheels or brings me meat, Fonce."

"What do you mean .. Asria?" There it is again, the pause before my name, a silent question that speaks to my belly. A whisper I cannot make out.

"You mean more to me then a friend. I don't I have a better explanation of that yet. You just.. mean more to me then that. I want to .. bring you things to make you smile and see you at the end of every day. That kind of meaning."

I could see this was unexpected, but I did not see that it was unwelcome, just.. unexpected. I kept my eyes on his own, I couldn’t waver now. I couldn’t cry and go all girl puddle now.

"Do you mean .. like a brother?"

I could feel his boot on my heart. "Do you want me to mean.. like a brother?"

His gaze grew harder on me and I straightened my shoulders a little. "So you mean to tell me I can dictate to you how you feel? I can .. make it whatever I want?" How like Fonce to think that is what I meant.

"No, that's not what I said. I want to know if that's what you would like me to say Fonce. Would it be better for you if I liked you like a brother or.. Liked you as a man?"

His voice seemed urgent, irritated. "Asria .. do not ask me foolish questions. I do not try to make people into what I want .. simply define your feelings for me if you can, help me understand them .. what they mean, what .. do you want .. from me, what does that look like?"

"It is not like a brother. " I answered quietly. I hated the unfairness of this. "I care about you. I want to be around you, talk to you." I wet my lips again and unconsciously rested my hand on my belly. "All I want from you.. is a little more. I want everything you want to give me and then just a little more." The more I spoke, the more breathless I became. "What does it look like?" I glanced up at the stars like they might give me the words I needed.. but they were silent, terribly silent. "It looks like the sun.. a few hours past dawn, where the sky is still a little pink and.. new."

"You are being vague .. do you like me ... like a man? like .. sexually?" I didn't make that up, he really -actually- asked me that. I blushed, a sudden blossom of the same pink.

"Yes. Like a man."

"What .. kind of man? The kind that touches you ... like ... that?"

I almost asked him to define.. like that. I answered him honestly, helplessly, fearfully. This is where it happened. If I had to pin point a moment and, knowing this man, I might have to later, this is where it began to .. change. The way Fonce viewed me would never be the same. This is not to say it would be a bad change but it would be a change. I had slipped a little on the pedestal of Trayu's mate.. The artful sheet around my body slipped a little, the glimmer in my eyes was darkened, but pleasurably. Up until right then I think Fonce saw me as untouchable, even almost virginal. Suddenly he was wrong about me.. I imagine that's a lot to give a man in one night.

" .... when?" He asked me, ludicrously. As if I could tell him.. Oh you know Cupcake, it was about half past three on a Thursday. As if.

Later I would realize something.. there had been a when. When I had put it all together. it was when.. I thought I had let him down and I felt.. felt how that felt. There is a great difference in disappointing a friend and disappointing a man, in that way.

Catch spoke to me, she helped tickle the surface tension. "You can, determine something like that?"

"I cannot." I answered her. Her presence was keeping me from being a complete fool. "It happens too slowly and then one day you just.. realize it's been sitting there on your shoulder for awhile now."

Catch smiled at me and I wanted to hug her for not.. judging me right now. "That is what I always thought, though I've heard of falling in love at first sight."

"Why me?" he spoke again, interupting her and I.

So I told him why him. But what I said is only a pale shadow of why him. I am not a master of words, I get confused and my heart races and my tongue gets too fat my mouth and I can't get out the feeling I want to explain. So after I told him why I told him something else.. That if he would rather, I could try to only think of him as a brother.

"You would rather .. hide it from me? For me never to have the chance to know? You would give this feeling up so easily?" I felt like he was accusing me of somehow wronging him and I got that hot feeling of disappointment again.

"I am pleased you told me this Asria. I .. did not know."

Catch had knelt beside him and I ached for what I could see in her gaze. I suppose that is scandalous but it is the truth. Fonce was looking at me hard again, studying. Thoughtful.

"Do you want me to .. provide a different guardian ... one who is not ... well that does not ... conflict of interest sort of thing."

I couldn't help myself.. I chuckled lightly, a trembly, gaspy little sound. "You are a very smart man." He knew the word gestate! "How can you be so obtuse about this? No.. I do not want a different guardian, even if you told me you could never even consider tasting my lips under yours.. I'd still want you to be my guardian. Who else would ever speak for me like you did tonight and then ask about my daughter?"


There was a change in his eyes, I will call it a softening because that’s what I want it to be. Finally, perhaps I had said something.. right.

"Thank you .. for seeing that"

"Everyone saw that Fonce."

"That is not ... what I mean. I have done that for a lot of people, more than I could even recall right now and few have spoken to me of it afterwards .. as you just did."

There was a short, shared joke about the earlier incidents and it was winding down to me to go, there was just that feeling in the air. He spoke up once more, shredding my laughter.

"I still think of you as .. Trayu's mate." He said, it seemed to be a roadblock but.. I was not in a hurry to knock it down for him. I just listened. Because.. I am Trayu's mate. That will never go away or change and anyone who loves me after Trayu will have to love that part of me too. "I know he is dead and I know people move on .. I guess I just ... was stuck with that thought."

We spoke of being mixed up, confusing the past with the present and the tangles that caused. I did not deny that, I would do or say nothing that would water down my past. I was not shiny pristine and seventeen. "I just want you to know that I.. am not mixed up. I wouldn't have come to you if there was any doubt that I was. I would not dishonor Trayu that way. He.. will not be replaced, It's not like that. I can always love Trayu.. and still walk forward without looking behind. I hope that makes sense to you. I can love him, and still love someone else."


His eyes widened. That look on his face has always made me smile. "I know that. I did not speak against you in any way, just because I do not understand .. does not mean I think ill of you or stand in some kind of judgment."

"I did not think you did. Sometimes... I will want to tell you things you already know. Because it makes me feel better to have told you."

"Will you give me .. time understand this?"

"I will give you time Fonce, I am patient." I ran my teeth over my lower lip. "I know I have no right to ask this from you... but will you give me honesty? If you come to understand it and do not.. do not feel anything for me. Tell me quickly. Tell me harshly so there is no question left."

"I would not do anything else .. Asria." I wanted to ask him about the pausing, if he knew what he was doing or was it an accident? Was it done to intentionally set off little flint sparks? or was it only in my head?

"You are important to me." he told me and I felt the sheer honesty in those words.

I smiled and told him how lucky I was.

"Women never give me a chance to .. figure these things out."

"Women are often in too much of a hurry to get.. there." Perhaps because I had already been there.. I was wise enough to want to savor the getting there more then the gotten there. "I'd like to not.. race, but lazily walk with you to.. somewhere. We don't have to know where."

Great, I was writing Tuchuck hallmark cards now.

"I should probably go." I said quietly, before I made things worse. I was fairly sure Fonce needed time to sort that out. To speak to Catch and tell her how pretty she looked in the firelight.

"I will find Lei and talk to her .. then send her home. All right?"

"Thank you so much. Someday I will figure out a better way to repay you then.. this." I smiled. Last night I would have kissed his cheek, tonight I just shared a wistful look. I didn't want to push.. or back down. When I neared him I hesitantly touched his arm. A small gesture for me. And then, with a last quick smile I left him to the food and the fire and the slave. Things that I was sure were making more sense to him then I was.

I told Magda everything when I got back and she, for once in her very long life, smiled at me. She did not try to chant or bewitch anyone. She did not speak of omens or bloody livers. She asked me if I was not upset that he had not grabbed me up and kissed me and I took a long time to consider her words.

Then I grinned. "No, Magda, I am not upset. I am.. hopeful and full of sweet anticipation. I've told him I want to take a walk with him. When he is ready he will let me know."

The old woman looked doubtful. In her experience you had to hit a man pretty hard to make him see what he was supposed to do. Maybe I was naive but.. I had a lot of faith in Fonce the Warrior.