This will only hurt for a lifetime.

Lei had been having a thing lately about the color of her dresses. I had dyed her yellow dress a bright royal blue once I could no longer get the stains out. I had no more yellow fabric either. I was glad for the chance to seek out trade with someone. I greatly enjoyed trading and the generosity of people since Trayu's death had negated the need.

My mind was wandering. I saw Mezoo hurry by and "Oh!" I jumped up, calling something back to Magda as I raced (as well as a woman in my.. curvy condition, can race) to the stream. I had been by ealier so I knew exactly where to go. I was quiet as I slipped into place, flashing a grin at the women. Yamka was there which honestly surprised me but.. it also restored a little of my faith. I was very pleased to see that her friendship with Seveya meant enough to her to face the music.

When we began, well, when I began I had caught my breath and I took Seveya by the arm, my hands were gentle as I walked towards the curtain. I spoke my piece, I had rehearsed with Tarra ealier and then gently pushed her though the.. the...

I gave Tarra a funny look.

-ahem- Curtian.

Yamka took her next and from there each woman spoke and added thier voice to the circle we made. I held Dash's hand and she laid her hand to my belly. I am a little weird about that.. it feels so invasive, but Dash was so warm and open about it that I only smiled and laid my hand over hers.

We teased Seveya as the pinchers came out. I asked if anyone had told her about the blood letting and Dash acted shocked that I had not pulled Seveya aside and explained about it. I grinned. I could see Dash and I would be good friends.

The teasing finished, Seveya was ringed rather quickly and then.. Yamka left. I was as surprised by this as I was by her arrival. And disappointed. I liked Yamka you see, I was eager to hear her side of what had happened. I wanted her to tell me it had all been a misunderstanding. Since Yamka had not spoken to anyone, none of us spoke to her either. The ball was in her court.

We made our way back to the fires and since.. that man was there, I kept close to the Ubar but you know what?! He never heard a word I said.. he only had eyes for Mezoo. I grinned.

Seveya sat with her Uncle and I overheard him teasing her gently. I had only met him briefly, ealier but he seemed nice enough. I could see how proud he was of Seveya and her shiny new ring. I could see how proud she was. I was keeping pretty quiet because it wasn't my night and I was still working on getting back my sparkles. Tarra, it turned out, had read my mind.

Tarra reached me and placed a gift over my head..A cord of braided leather with the same tear drop as Mezoo and Cana got, only mine was a shimmering sparkling green.

"You helped bring Seveya into a new world and your help with the ceremony is also appreciated. For you may it bring you healing of the heart and spirit, and its light remind you of the smile you hold."

I think I nearly cracked Tarras shoulders I hugged her that hard. It was green.. like the grass, like the things that grow. These were things that spoke to me, nature, heart.. Smiles.

Tonight we led Seveya into her womanhood. But I think more then Seveya grew a little tonight. I think we all did.

Pedestal

You are the words
I am the tune
Play me.
N.D.

Once things seemed to have calmed down at the first fires Fonce called my name. Cana had just brought me some broth and I was sipping it lightly, my belly was still in knots.

"Come with me." he said. I kissed my friends goodbye and rose, I was anxious to speak to him away from the fires. I had questions and confessions that were .. well, like a fire inside of me. When we reached his wagon, I sat on the steps but he stood, above me, looking down on me intently. I blushed; did he notice how fast I was to color for him?

"You make me feel like a child when you look at me like that." He seemed pleased by this, figures.

We spoke for a moment about my place at the first fires, if I was moving at the right pace. I did not realize this would set the tone for the rest of our conversation.. this idea of rushing and not rushing. I do not rush, I do not hurry things and perhaps this is why I feel behind the others. But he was quick to assure me that I was going at the right pace for Asria and isn't that what matters?

We spoke for a moment about Lei. It had not occurred to me but he was worried about her hearing about this.. and how she would take it. Tonight Fonce was a better parent to my daughter then I was. He said he would speak to her about it and I was grateful. Lei respected Fonce and would take it more seriously from him.

Catch joined us, tending to a rather delicious smelling roast over the fires, she seemed to mingle with the darkness that hung over us, and she weaved in and out of the shadows. I had gotten to my feet.

"You mean so much to me Fonce."

"I know I have been there .. picked up some slack after Trayu died."

"It is more then that." I said quietly. "You mean more to me then someone who repairs my wheels or brings me meat, Fonce."

"What do you mean .. Asria?" There it is again, the pause before my name, a silent question that speaks to my belly. A whisper I cannot make out.

"You mean more to me then a friend. I don't I have a better explanation of that yet. You just.. mean more to me then that. I want to .. bring you things to make you smile and see you at the end of every day. That kind of meaning."

I could see this was unexpected, but I did not see that it was unwelcome, just.. unexpected. I kept my eyes on his own, I couldn’t waver now. I couldn’t cry and go all girl puddle now.

"Do you mean .. like a brother?"

I could feel his boot on my heart. "Do you want me to mean.. like a brother?"

His gaze grew harder on me and I straightened my shoulders a little. "So you mean to tell me I can dictate to you how you feel? I can .. make it whatever I want?" How like Fonce to think that is what I meant.

"No, that's not what I said. I want to know if that's what you would like me to say Fonce. Would it be better for you if I liked you like a brother or.. Liked you as a man?"

His voice seemed urgent, irritated. "Asria .. do not ask me foolish questions. I do not try to make people into what I want .. simply define your feelings for me if you can, help me understand them .. what they mean, what .. do you want .. from me, what does that look like?"

"It is not like a brother. " I answered quietly. I hated the unfairness of this. "I care about you. I want to be around you, talk to you." I wet my lips again and unconsciously rested my hand on my belly. "All I want from you.. is a little more. I want everything you want to give me and then just a little more." The more I spoke, the more breathless I became. "What does it look like?" I glanced up at the stars like they might give me the words I needed.. but they were silent, terribly silent. "It looks like the sun.. a few hours past dawn, where the sky is still a little pink and.. new."

"You are being vague .. do you like me ... like a man? like .. sexually?" I didn't make that up, he really -actually- asked me that. I blushed, a sudden blossom of the same pink.

"Yes. Like a man."

"What .. kind of man? The kind that touches you ... like ... that?"

I almost asked him to define.. like that. I answered him honestly, helplessly, fearfully. This is where it happened. If I had to pin point a moment and, knowing this man, I might have to later, this is where it began to .. change. The way Fonce viewed me would never be the same. This is not to say it would be a bad change but it would be a change. I had slipped a little on the pedestal of Trayu's mate.. The artful sheet around my body slipped a little, the glimmer in my eyes was darkened, but pleasurably. Up until right then I think Fonce saw me as untouchable, even almost virginal. Suddenly he was wrong about me.. I imagine that's a lot to give a man in one night.

" .... when?" He asked me, ludicrously. As if I could tell him.. Oh you know Cupcake, it was about half past three on a Thursday. As if.

Later I would realize something.. there had been a when. When I had put it all together. it was when.. I thought I had let him down and I felt.. felt how that felt. There is a great difference in disappointing a friend and disappointing a man, in that way.

Catch spoke to me, she helped tickle the surface tension. "You can, determine something like that?"

"I cannot." I answered her. Her presence was keeping me from being a complete fool. "It happens too slowly and then one day you just.. realize it's been sitting there on your shoulder for awhile now."

Catch smiled at me and I wanted to hug her for not.. judging me right now. "That is what I always thought, though I've heard of falling in love at first sight."

"Why me?" he spoke again, interupting her and I.

So I told him why him. But what I said is only a pale shadow of why him. I am not a master of words, I get confused and my heart races and my tongue gets too fat my mouth and I can't get out the feeling I want to explain. So after I told him why I told him something else.. That if he would rather, I could try to only think of him as a brother.

"You would rather .. hide it from me? For me never to have the chance to know? You would give this feeling up so easily?" I felt like he was accusing me of somehow wronging him and I got that hot feeling of disappointment again.

"I am pleased you told me this Asria. I .. did not know."

Catch had knelt beside him and I ached for what I could see in her gaze. I suppose that is scandalous but it is the truth. Fonce was looking at me hard again, studying. Thoughtful.

"Do you want me to .. provide a different guardian ... one who is not ... well that does not ... conflict of interest sort of thing."

I couldn't help myself.. I chuckled lightly, a trembly, gaspy little sound. "You are a very smart man." He knew the word gestate! "How can you be so obtuse about this? No.. I do not want a different guardian, even if you told me you could never even consider tasting my lips under yours.. I'd still want you to be my guardian. Who else would ever speak for me like you did tonight and then ask about my daughter?"


There was a change in his eyes, I will call it a softening because that’s what I want it to be. Finally, perhaps I had said something.. right.

"Thank you .. for seeing that"

"Everyone saw that Fonce."

"That is not ... what I mean. I have done that for a lot of people, more than I could even recall right now and few have spoken to me of it afterwards .. as you just did."

There was a short, shared joke about the earlier incidents and it was winding down to me to go, there was just that feeling in the air. He spoke up once more, shredding my laughter.

"I still think of you as .. Trayu's mate." He said, it seemed to be a roadblock but.. I was not in a hurry to knock it down for him. I just listened. Because.. I am Trayu's mate. That will never go away or change and anyone who loves me after Trayu will have to love that part of me too. "I know he is dead and I know people move on .. I guess I just ... was stuck with that thought."

We spoke of being mixed up, confusing the past with the present and the tangles that caused. I did not deny that, I would do or say nothing that would water down my past. I was not shiny pristine and seventeen. "I just want you to know that I.. am not mixed up. I wouldn't have come to you if there was any doubt that I was. I would not dishonor Trayu that way. He.. will not be replaced, It's not like that. I can always love Trayu.. and still walk forward without looking behind. I hope that makes sense to you. I can love him, and still love someone else."


His eyes widened. That look on his face has always made me smile. "I know that. I did not speak against you in any way, just because I do not understand .. does not mean I think ill of you or stand in some kind of judgment."

"I did not think you did. Sometimes... I will want to tell you things you already know. Because it makes me feel better to have told you."

"Will you give me .. time understand this?"

"I will give you time Fonce, I am patient." I ran my teeth over my lower lip. "I know I have no right to ask this from you... but will you give me honesty? If you come to understand it and do not.. do not feel anything for me. Tell me quickly. Tell me harshly so there is no question left."

"I would not do anything else .. Asria." I wanted to ask him about the pausing, if he knew what he was doing or was it an accident? Was it done to intentionally set off little flint sparks? or was it only in my head?

"You are important to me." he told me and I felt the sheer honesty in those words.

I smiled and told him how lucky I was.

"Women never give me a chance to .. figure these things out."

"Women are often in too much of a hurry to get.. there." Perhaps because I had already been there.. I was wise enough to want to savor the getting there more then the gotten there. "I'd like to not.. race, but lazily walk with you to.. somewhere. We don't have to know where."

Great, I was writing Tuchuck hallmark cards now.

"I should probably go." I said quietly, before I made things worse. I was fairly sure Fonce needed time to sort that out. To speak to Catch and tell her how pretty she looked in the firelight.

"I will find Lei and talk to her .. then send her home. All right?"

"Thank you so much. Someday I will figure out a better way to repay you then.. this." I smiled. Last night I would have kissed his cheek, tonight I just shared a wistful look. I didn't want to push.. or back down. When I neared him I hesitantly touched his arm. A small gesture for me. And then, with a last quick smile I left him to the food and the fire and the slave. Things that I was sure were making more sense to him then I was.

I told Magda everything when I got back and she, for once in her very long life, smiled at me. She did not try to chant or bewitch anyone. She did not speak of omens or bloody livers. She asked me if I was not upset that he had not grabbed me up and kissed me and I took a long time to consider her words.

Then I grinned. "No, Magda, I am not upset. I am.. hopeful and full of sweet anticipation. I've told him I want to take a walk with him. When he is ready he will let me know."

The old woman looked doubtful. In her experience you had to hit a man pretty hard to make him see what he was supposed to do. Maybe I was naive but.. I had a lot of faith in Fonce the Warrior.

Asria, who screams at the sky

"Fonce..?" I repeated as he led me to the Ubars wagons. He looked at me and I saw his outrage. I was not sure if it was for me yet or not but I try, with him, to never assume anything. Really.

"Silence." he said and I nodded, meek and mild.

To say I was bewildered is not enough. To say I was frightened was not enough. I stood there, before the Ubar, my hand on the small round of my belly, my elbow firmly in Fonces grip. He was not hurting me, then, but it was a rougher grip then I had felt from him before. It was.. an interesting grip. I had no time to pay it any attention before Fonce.. offered to chain me to the Ubars wagon!

"What have I done?!" I demanded, I was supposed to be the good girl! I did not get chained to wagons, the Ubars or otherwise. I saw Tarra, Mezoo and then Cana watching with wide eyes.

"Silence." Fonce told me again, a little more strong but not cruel. I knew he was saying it for my own benefit, and perhaps for his sanity. The Ubar did not want me chained though; I suspect a pregnant nobody year keeper would not really round his collection of healers and dwellers.

I looked up at him, my guardian, hurt and angry and terrified of what he was doing to me. Can I tell you the things that ran though my head? Was I being.. sold? Traded? Collared? Had I offended someone? Had it been my story? Perhaps the sleen keeper took the whole 'being handled' thing more seriously then I had? Was it because I had not finished Tugs painting? Was it because I had painted at all? Panic was making me tremble as Fonce and the Ubar, the two most powerful men in my life and on the plains.. discussed.. me.

"Please.." I tried again, I was crying now, I had worked myself up into a fine mess of emotions. My tears were not the pretty kind, not today. Fonce would not be reaching down to wipe them away this time.

"You have been accused of being inside of Fonces wagon with him." The Ubar told me sternly. The gravity of that sentence was crushing. My gasp was tiny, small and delicate.

Right about then.. The world shifted under me. It sank a full inch lower and I took a moment to catch up. I heard a little pop in my neck as my head swiveled from one man to the next. I nearly laughed! "I.. do not understand." I truly did not. I could see the woman’s faces and I met their eyes. I had nothing to be ashamed of.

The Ubar told me it was Yamka who accused me. Yamka who said she saw me there. Yamka who is my friend. Yamka whose heart I have tried to cheer again and again. Yamka who I told was wise and beautiful. Yamka who betrayed me in a very obvious.. nasty way. She lied. I did not believe it!

I do not know what I will say to Yamka when I see her again or if I will say anything at all. Perhaps I should give her a chance to explain.. Once she has finished explaining to the men in my life why she saw fit to try and hurt me and by extension, them. The Ubar and Fonce have a millions things to handle before they should have to deal with the kind of absurdity I saw displayed tonight.

What happened next has changed how I view those three women forever.. Tarra, Cana and Mezoo. As each one came forward and, scoffing, asked to be chained with me for they too had been to Fonces wagons. Friendship that that is a rare and gentle thing among women. Women are often jealous of each other, vindictive and cruel.. but tonight the four of us were sisters.. regardless of mates or guardians or back wagons or first fires or children or clan. We were all sisters of the sky.

Tarra and Cana finally pried me away from Fonce and I held their hands tightly, sitting with them and leaning on Mezoos back for support. It's a really good thing they pulled me away because the conversation when from discussing my supposed slutting about Fonces wagon.. to the father of my child. That man was going on about a larl attack and demanding to know just how pregnant I was. I was so proud to hear them telling him it was none of his business.

The conversation among the three men just got weirder from there. I tried to keep out of it, even when Trayu was insulted and.. he was. I am not an angry woman, I have never actually hit a man with a spoon, or a pot. I threw a boot at Trayu once but he caught it and laughed at me. Tonight though I wanted to hit that man. I wanted to knock him down on the ground and jump up and down on his back while I extolled the virtues of myself, my dead mate and my unborn child’s parentage. I wanted to .. swear at him.

I am not really sure anyone would have stopped me either.

The man who had so loudly spoken against me was stripped of his command. He spoke of murdering me for the rumors he had heard. It felt like a knife in my belly. I did not know any Tuchuck who would ever even consider taking the life of another for words that had no truth, no proof. And a pregnant woman? A mother? What made me so important that my life should be taken away because I may or may not have had sex with a man?

Eventually the topic turned to the dweller healer. I kept my gaze on my guardian which I am sure looked suspicious but hopefully.. they were seeing what I was seeing.

I am a very lucky woman. Even among Tuchuck men what Fonce did for me was something special. He defended me in a way few other men would have defended a woman. I was loved, cared for and.. kept. I have unshakable friendships with women I love.

Perhaps I will not be very angry with Yamka after all.

Eye of the Beholder III

We had stopped to have lunch, Lei stayed close to me, Also was smiling at her. I was glad to see him smile, he was so serious all the time, like Lei. I wondered about their friendship, about the secrets they seemed to share without ever actually speaking.

"Asria!" That was Mandary, a redheaded child often teased for the color of her hair. "What about the mirror?"

"Do you want to hear the rest then?" I teased her and she gave me an indignant impatient look. She fit her fiery hair color well. I grinned.

I took a deep breath and let my hands fall back to my lap, my expressions were animated as I spoke. "All right then.. Sarah remembered her aunt's advice. So, she started to move about the room to get a view of Dudly in the mirror. She forgot, however, to let go of his chest hair. 'Ow!' screamed Dudly, and he began to jump up and down and rub his chest. It was then that Sarah caught a quick glimpse of Dudly in the mirror. Gads! He was even more ugly than Manley! His hair was not curly, but straight, and it sort of . looked like brown kelp from the sea. He had two tongues which each had a black snake's head. And, his skin! In some places it was almost transparent, and she could see the blood pumping
through."

Several of the children grimaced and even Lei told me I was being gross. Some of the boys giggled. I smirked.

"Sarah screamed 'Arrrrgh!'and ran to the bathroom. Dudly, who looked his usual manly self when looked at directly, shrugged his shoulders and strutted out of the wagon. This went on for several days, until Sarah had seen all four hundred suitors who had been waiting for her. Each one seemed to look worse than the one before when viewed in the mirror. Although, when viewed directly, they were all beautiful, handsome hunks. Sarah was bonkers (a little crazy), because she didn't know what to believe: her eyes or the mirror. But after she had seen each man in the mirror, he was ruined for her. As I was saying, they got uglier and uglier, until the eighth day when there were no more. No more, except.... old pail eyes. And, to tell you the truth, he didn't look so bad to Sarah after seeing all those uglies in the mirror!"

It was about then when I noticed Fonce making his way towards us. I assumed he was coming to hear the story; everyone loves a good story, right? I offered him a smile and then turned back to the small crowd.

"So, Sarah said to herself.. 'Oh, what the heck, at least I'll have some fun rejecting the nerd. Then I can be an old maid the rest of my life!" So, she called Norman, that was his name, in. Norman stood looking around the room, adjusting the few strands of hair which were on his head. He really looked like he could use some meat. 'Come over here, you,' growled Sarah, 'let me have a look!' Norman shuffled over slowly. He stood looking down at his shoes which were untied. 'Oh God, better an old maid than this!' mumbled Sarah to herself. But, she moved around so she could look into the mirror."

I lowered my voice a little so the children had to lean closer. My eyes were wide.

"What Sarah saw in the mirror was truly amazing. Norman wasn't handsome in the usual sense. In other words, he didn't have hair like anything, nor skin like anything, nor eyes like anything. He was just beautiful! And, it's no use trying to describe it to you, because I can't. Sarah just knew that he was beautiful! She fell instantly in love. She spun around, grabbed Norman by the neck, and kissed him hard on the lips. 'You're the one!' she screamed. Norman gasped. Can you imagine his surprise? Sarah's father was extremely upset. 'How can she mate such an ugly man?' he wanted to know. All of Sarah's friends tried to talk her out of it. 'He's a nerd!' they exclaimed. 'If you marry him, we will refuse to be seen with you!' All of the people of the Harriga cried out in alarm. 'It will cause economic disaster for the Ubars daughter to marry such a creature!' The only one who was pleased--besides Sarah herself--was wise Aunt Nevermind. 'You have made a wise choice' was all she said. So, Sarah married Norman Nerd and they seemed extremely happy. The mirror was lent out to a wicked Ubara in a neighboring Tribe who wanted to find out who was the fairest in her land. After a near disaster which involved the Ubara's falling off of a cliff, the mirror was returned to Sarah and her husband. Sarah unpacked it from the wrappings which it had been carefully placed in and hung it on a wall in her bedroom. It was during the act of hanging the mirror on the wall that Sarah--for the first time--caught a glimpse of her own image. She had to stuff her fist between her teeth to stifle her scream. For there in front of her was an image of supreme ugliness! I'm not going to attempt to describe what she saw, but I can say that it was worse than anything she had seen in the mirror before. She snatched the mirror from the wall and hid it in the closet behind some old quilts.
When Sarah's husband asked her about the mirror, she told him that she broke it and had to throw it away. Norman thought nothing more about it, but Sarah thought about it a lot. Every day, for the rest of her life, she crept into that closet to gaze into the mirror. At first, she was sick every time she looked into it. But, she forced herself to stare fully into the mirror for at least three minutes each day. And, you know what? Gradually, she started to become less ugly! Yes, it's true! To Norman and the two children (a boy and a girl) which they eventually had, Sarah was a beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed lady. But, she knew the truth about
herself. She did eventually become beautiful to herself also. But that wasn't until she was very old--then she could stare into the mirror all day long. Which only goes to show: if you face your ugliness often enough and fearless enough, you will eventually defeat it and become beautiful."

There was a soft hush upon them.. mostly I think they were trying to understand the ending. Lei grinned up at me. Fonce was standing near us now and I sent Lei off to go find Cana with Also. Once she had slipped off and the children were scattering.. I had barely gotten in a Tal when Fonce took my elbow and insistently walked me tot he first fires. All my happy from the story telling was loosing its bounce as we walked.

"Fonce...?"

Eye of the Beholder II

"What kind of mirror was it? Is it that mirror?" A tall skinny boy asked, pointing to the gilded hand mirror on my step. The questions popped up one by one as I sat there grinning. This was the perfect distraction from life’s daily ill's, wasn’t it? Making smiles. "All right, settle down and I will continue." I did not promise to finish. Lei had moved to sit on the bottom step by my feet, her hand curled around my knee. I dropped my hand into her rich chocolate curls.

"Where was I... oh, right Aunt Nevermind carefully handed the mirror to Sarah.’ As you speak to each of your suitors, position yourself so that you will be able to see him in the mirror. The image will show you the true person to whom you are speaking.'

The first suitor who came into Sarah's chamber was Manley Studdscroft. He was a tall blonde man with muscles as hard as stone. He stood before Sarah and flexed his biceps. All the while, Sarah moved around trying to get a good view of him in the mirror. 'Why do you jump around so?' asked Manley irritably. 'I'm just trying to get a better look at you,' replied Sarah sweetly.

'So, what's your sign?'

'Sign?' Manley had a puzzled look.

'Oh, that's just for conversation,' said Sarah. 'I heard about it from a slave who was talking about a place called the 70's and Discos; I really don't know what it means.'

'Oh,' grunted Manley as he started flexing the muscles in his other arm.

Sarah was really falling in love with this manly man; however, she still hadn't seen his image in the mirror, and she had promised Aunt Nevermind that she wouldn't make a decision until she had. So, she moved around some more.

Manley was starting to flex the muscles in his legs when Sarah finally caught his image in the magic mirror. One look was all she needed, for there was the ugliest thing she had ever seen! His hair was green and looked like a thousand squirming baby eels; his skin had huge open sores with little worms licking out of them; his teeth were black with pieces of decay dropping off of them. And, even though Manley looked his usual handsome self when she looked at him directly, she screamed and sent him out of the room! Manley was baffled!

The second suitor then strutted into the room. This was Studly Dudly. Now Dudly had bright red hair which didn't stop at his head. His shirt was open and the red curly hair continued down his chest. Around his neck hung five or six gold chains. She started to play with the curly hair on his chest. Dudly puffed out his chest even more. He was such a manly man! 'Surely,' thought Sarah, 'I am in love!'"

I paused there, picking up my cup of water amid the giggles of children. I saw Mezoo passing by on her way to her own wagon and waved. Ogedaii was there too, listening for a moment and surely thinking that Sarah just needed a good hard spanking. I grinned and then returned to my story...

My Missing Peace

I had been waiting at Fonce's wagons for a bit, I was bursting at the seams with things I needed to ask and do and say. Some of the things I needed to get out felt like they were sucking me up from the inside. Do you know what that feels like? It's a horrible feeling. Magnificently horrible. I needed to share a part of me with him and while I felt a maddening need to do it right this minute.. I also had patience. A lot of that patience came from all the terrible things I kept imagining him saying. Things like.. 'How could you Asria?' or 'Go away Asria' or even just a simple smirk. The smirk would be the end all and be all.

While I sat there .. I could hear the people at the first fires, laughing and talking and I had been here for what seemed like an age.. so I grinned to myself and got to my feet, hastening to the first fires. I greeted everyone with a smile and then realized I could not be heard over the chatter. So I tried again and Cana flashed me a smile and a Tal. It was enough for me.

I hung by the serving wagon, where all the food was cooking and I could keep my water cup filled. I watched quietly for a bit, everyone was there was brimming with happiness. Somehow all that happy in one place seemed to dim my own. It seemed to amplify how separate I was feeling, even though my head knew I wasn't separate at all! I saw Fonce laughing with Cana and I smiled, watching. I said good bye to Yamka and Seveya as they left and then, just when I was sure I was about to slip into the abyss a little worry can create when I heard a noise behind me.

Fonce's new red headed slave was there, hanging botas and I did not think she was supposed to be. I asked her, quickly, what she was doing there and she told me. She turned out to be a clever thing, though I do not think all of the women will appreciate her humor as I did. She has pretty hair and I'd like to see her keep it. She asked me if I needed anything and I answered a little too honestly.

"I need a little peace."

She smiled and offered to sew my hand to my heart. No, really. Many women would have freaked out but I laughed. It was funny in a dark sort of way. "I do not think Fonce would like that." But really? It would probably get him hot. Two women, a needle, blood and breasts. Hmm.

She offered to try and sew me some peace anyway and I was touched She didn't; know me from a hole in the wall. She had no idea if I was a friend or a relative or his worst enemy and still she'd offer to do something that would make me feel better? How could I not appreciate that, especially that night? I touched her cheek, to draw her complete attention to me and I smiled at her. "Thank you."

I do not hug slaves, I rarely touch them but I have found that they are often the best kind of friends to have when you need to talk, need to be cheered up. I warned her to get going then, before Fonce saw her speaking to people around the fire if she did not have permission, though by then he had already left. I do not think he ever heard or saw me. She grinned at me before disappearing and I made my way closer, to join the Ubar, Tarra and Ogedaii.

The sleen keeper is good for cheering up too. He is funny, genuinely funny in a not so much showing off kind of way. I think Tarra liked him too.. I hope so. I want to Tarra to fall in love, to see it like I do.. That nothing is too much to do or ask or feel for love.. even if it hurts..

Even if you crash and burn and die a slow painful death. Nothing is too much to ask for Love, no risk is too scary to take. But worst of all.. Love does not wait for us to be ready. It comes as it pleases. This was in the forefront of my mind these days, I just had to get those words out of my mouth.. and into the right hands.

Tomorrow night.. I'd wait again.

Eye of the Beholder I

I had noticed something amusing lately, about the children of the Harriga. You know how small domesticated animals will always flock to the very people who least like them? Small people do it too. The busier and more irritable a person was.. The more likely that little children were to hang around them. While this amused me greatly.. not everyone shared my sense of humor.

So today I was going to do the world of Tuchuck a favor and round up as many of the children I could. I sent Lei off to fetch Also and let Fonce, Mezoo and Magda where I would be for the morning. I built up the fire for my wagon and made sure there was plenty of water in the barrel, and several bowls of snacks. I had more spiced jerky then I could eat in a lifetime. Beside me sat a small gilded hand mirror courtesy of Fonces supply wagons. He was not kidding that he had a lot of stuff. I was truly grateful for Catch too.. She had been doing many small tasks, unasked, for me and Lei and it allowed me to take these little side trips.. Today I was going to tell a story.

I am not a singer, anymore then I am an artist. Today though I would paint with my words and make the eyes of the young sparkle. Today I would give them laughter and a smile and distraction. Lei had heard most of my stories before and was eager to begin; she had brought Also with her, the two quietest children I had ever known. They sat together, but not in the front as you might expect. The two of them were not the type to be in the center. I waited for all the children to settle and, with a grin in my heart I pretended not to see the adults that were lingering. Everyone loves a good story. I sat on my steps, wearing a dress I had dyed a vibrant blue and with a rainbow of ribbons twisted into my braid. The breeze settled, giving me permission to begin…

“Some people call this story ‘Eye of the Beholder’ but I think today we will call it… ‘Is That Beautiful or what?’” I grinned and then settled my hands in my lap.

“Twice upon a time, there lived a very beautiful little girl. Her eyes were as blue as a mountain lake, her skin was as white as the snow falling to the ground in winter, and her hair was as yellow as gold all the way from the northern cities.. Her name was Sarah Simile. Her father, Ubar Simile, was ruler of the Tribe of Metaphoria which was a large nation occupying most of the continent of Figureofspeach.” I was pleased to hear a few chuckles from the grown ups who were listening.

“Now, you may not have heard of any of these people or places. But that's because it was a very long time ago. It was so long ago that what I'm about to tell you actually was able to happen twice and still be a long time ago. But you only have to listen to it once.” Lei smirked, having heard it at least twice already.

“Now, Sarah, as I was saying, was very beautiful. When she became fourteen, her father--as all good Ubars at the time did--decided that it was time for her to take a mate. So, keeping with tradition, a message was sent throughout the land and all neighboring lands that Sarah was up for grabs. Well, you can imagine all the clowns who turned up at the First Fires. Most of them were what you would call 'good looking.' They were handsome: they had eyes as blue as summer skies, skin as tan as tropical beaches, and hair as wavy as the thassa. As Sarah looked at each suitor, her heart skipped several beats. They all were such hunks! She was sure that she could be happy with every one of them. As she gazed out the window at the marvelous specimens with their muscles rippling like plains grasses, she happened to notice one who was very different: his eyes were as dull and gray as an old water pail. His skin was covered with blemishes and, his
hair--well, it was almost not there, like her father's. Let's face it: this guy was UGLY!” I gasped with the word and put a hand to my chest. Several of the children giggled.

"’He must be a servant to one of the others,’ she said to herself. ‘Surely, this creature cannot expect me to consider him!’ Sarah decided that the best way to choose her new mate was to talk to each one by him. For, she had decided to follow her father's wishes. None of that Women's Liberation stuff for her! She would do as she was told. Besides, they all were such hunks! All, except of course old pail eyes whom she would most certainly dispose of in good time. She thought, however, to keep him until last so that she could really humiliate him and have a good time to boot!”

Some of the older boys, just about to get their first scars, frowned at me. They did not like where this was going and I did not blame them. I winked though, a silent promise to make it right of they stuck around.

“Now, Sarah had an aunt who had never mated, although she was certainly good looking. She had hair like...oh, let's not go through all that again...you get the picture. Aunt Nevermind did have a lot of friends--both men and women--and they all thought a great deal of her. Some of them were beautiful or handsome, and others were plain or very ugly. Aunt Nevermind, however, treated them all the same: she loved them all. She seemed to be a very wise lady, she was a spex as well and when she heard of Sarah's situation, she came to see her, bringing her a gift.

‘Oh, what a beautiful mirror!’ exclaimed Sarah. ‘I am so glad you brought it to me, for mine is getting old and foggy.’ and as I am sure you guessed, Sarah really liked looking at herself.

‘Now,’ said Aunt Nevermind very carefully, ‘this is a very special mirror, for it has the quality of showing things as they really are, not as they appear to be. I have used this mirror to choose all of my lovers during my lifetime, and it has never failed me. Since you are in agreement with your father and you wish to bind yourself to just one man for the rest of your life, I thought you would definitely need it!"

Here I paused, yawning dramatically. Creating a little suspense…

(OOC! I borrowed this story from a book of modern fairy tales but I am altering it to better fit the Tuchuck. This will be a 3 or 4 part post and I invite anyone to use it in their own journals. Maybe your char listened, or just walked by, or heard about it later. If you want your NPC children there I would be happy to add them into the crowd. Thanks!)

Wait up!

After Fonce left the fires, everyone looked at me. I felt about an inch tall. At first I did not think I had really upset him, that there was something else going on that had worked it's way into this mess. But the way the Ubar acted? That got me all screwed up. He shook his head with disapproval and looked at me. The Ubar's look does not taste like Fonce's look but they still have that weight to them.

I did not wait to be spoken to first. "I will talk to him again, soon. When he has calmed down." I offered quietly.

The Ubar chuckled. "I believe that I heard that he was calm once, about twenty snows ago."

I smiled. "If he did not care about me, he would not be so bothered by .. which clan I should be in, right?"

Yamka spoke up then, with an air of disbelief.. "You can switch clans?" She seems to have decided I am the enemy lately and she and I rarely speak. She is another person I need to track down and do some digging with. I was not even sure that was what the problem was at all. I pushed up to my feet and picked up my cup to refill it with cold water. "No one is talking about that Yamka, I think is about why I am in the clan of Year keepers at all. Or maybe just about.. making my own choices."

Ayguili shrugged at Yamka. Changing clans had to happen now and then, sometimes people sucked at what they did and would be better off as something else. "It has been done before. Tell me Asria, why are you a year keeper?"

"It was just assumed I always would be.. My parents were and I was mated when I was only sixteen, Trayu and his family were all year keepers as well. No one ever .. asked me."

"Most of my family are singers, does that mean I have to be a singer too? Are you happy being a year keeper, and do not hedge, that is a simple question." He looked at me hard, making me feel small and confused. Nothing new!

"I am not unhappy with it Ayguili, but I know that is not the right answer. I am not, you might say.. your most traditional year keeper, I know that too."

"What are you happy doing? "

I smiled faintly. That was the simplest question in the world and I had no freaking idea. "May I have some time to think about that, Ubar? I do not want to be too hasty with such an .. important question."

"Asria, life is too short to spend it trying to be something that we are not. You need to give this serious thought, and if the clan is not right for you, we need to see if we can find one that suits you."

My hands had come together, clasping before me with rather intense worry. "I want to be useful to the first wagons as well, Agyuili. I will have a lot to think about."

"Asria, I will give you one piece of advice. Fonce is like me and most men. We want straight answers, simple answers. We do not have time for verbal sparring. Keep that in mind, along with what I told you the other evening. Think on your words, before they pass your lips. "

I left shortly after, with so much cluttering up my normally streamlined thoughts. I was still unconvinced that Fonce was entirely upset with me, or that I had said something I should not have said. I did not know I had not given him simple answers or tried to verbally spar with him. And what's more.. every time I spoke to the Ubar, every single time, he brought up that I did not think before I thought. I was beginning to feel like I was being slowly caged. I was standing on a platform and letting people build bars of thier own design around me every day. Mezoo and Seveya were going to be accepted to the first fires any day now.. but me? I was still standing on the platform, admiring the bars.

The only person in the harriga I wanted to speak to.. was Fonce.

The Dream

Love is not love until love's vulnerable.

She slowed to a sigh, in that long interval.

A small bird flew in circles where she stood;

The deer came down, out of dappled wood.

All who remember, doubt. Who calls that strange?

I tossed a stone, and listened to it plunge.

She knew the grammar of least motion,

She taught me one virtue, and I live thereby.

She held her body steady in the wind;

Our shadows met, and slowly swung around;

She turned the field into glittering sea;

I played in flame and water like a boy

and I swayed outbeyond the white seafoam;

Like a wet log, I sang within the flame.

In that last while, eternitys confine,

I came to love, I came into my own.

-Something I read on the inside of a chocolate bar

Losing my cute

After we had talked about Serge and I was able to breath like a normal person again, without the constant nagging worry of the future gnawing at my happiness, there was only a few of us left at the fires. Ayguili, Yamka, Fonce and I. The silly dweller had been removed from the glow of the fires and the laughter about her offer of a ship was gone. Everything should have settled down. I wanted to try and talk to him now, while the Ubar was here, about how I was going to become of the first fires. I seemed to be tagging along behind the others, so I brought up my task. Later I would wish I had just gone for a walk, or gotten food poisoning or bitten by a field mouse, seriously.. anything was better then.. disappointing Fonce.

"I almost finished the memory for Tug, did I tell you about it?"

"Tug? no you did not ."

"Ba'atar, before he left, asked me to make Tug something to tell him about his father. But... I am not so good at beaded calendars with precise dates and things so.. I am painting him a memory of his father."

"Painting? I did not know you were an artist Asria" He looked back at me with one of those looks, the ones that made the muscles of my belly tighten up and my spine curve. I did not often talk about my painting to people. I had told Cana and Ba'atar the first night I met them, only because we discussed the memory but shortly after that Seveya had come around and it felt wrong to call attention to my hobby when she was so loud about it being.. well, everything she is.

"It is still a calendar, sort of. Of the mans life, just in paint and not beads. I am painting the songs they sing for him."

"That is .. interesting." He responded and I was unable to hook into the emotion behind his words.

"Interesting good or.. interesting as in.. 'Oh Asria you silly girl you shouldn't do that'?

"Interesting as in .. outside the normal ideas of Yearkeeping, edging into .. Artisan."

Now I wished I had told him before, that I had not kept it hidden like it was some dirty secret. My face flushed. When I thought of Artisans I thought of potters and weavers and basket makers or bead makers.. I did not think in terms so general as painters. We do not have walls to hang framed paintings on. I am still unable to understand what an artisan who creates nothing of actual, tangible use.. is doing. I can appreciate the work and enjoy it, but it will not feed anyone, or assist them or be useful in any traditional way. And this is exactly why I did not tell very many people about my memory paintings, they are not traditionally, useful. I have a deep desire to be useful to people.

"All Tuchuck's are Artisans. Art is not about talent, it's about.. content."

"Explain to me .. what is the difference for you."

I cleared my throat. "Between talent and content?"

"Between what you are doing and what Seveya does. What makes you the Yearkeeper and her the Artisan?"

The Ubar was there, listening to all this and probably thinking of all the reasons I was not fit to sit at his fires. This seemed like a dangerous topic. I shifted slightly and fingered my braid once more. "The difference is content. Seveya will paint whatever she likes, her own ideas and thoughts and things. I paint and draw the memories of those I listen to the songs and to.. to peoples tears and paint the way they feel, as best as I can. I am not as talented as Seveya, just.. different."

Abstract.. the word I had been looking for was Abstract. I painted feelings, not pictures so much. Everything he was asking me was all tied in how useful I needed to be, how much I needed approval from him and the first fires. I knew Fonce was not, then, upset with me or even annoyed. He just wanted to know something inside of my head that wasn't properly coming out of my mouth.

"But that is what Seveya does .. her way of painting ... what she offers to people. As far as I understand .. it was her way of offering what she offered her talents to others .. a way of using her art."

"I have never heard her say any such thing... " And I was pissy about that statement, if he saw Seveya and I alike in what we did at all I would need to make sure the difference in us was more obvious, far. more. obvious.

I think he could see or at least hear the stiffness in my words because his line of questioning softened.. a tiny bit.

"I could be wrong .. it was my interpretation only and I merely wish to understand the difference" He paused here and looked at me again. "If you wish to paint .. why not be an Artisan?"

And here is where all my happy about not mating Serge and my shimmery bubbles from his teasing.. this is where he took my ice cream cone and threw it on the ground.

"All of my family were Year keepers and I am learning to understand the wheel calendars better.. Can I be a year keeper who paints? If Seveya is painting memories why doesn't she become a year keeper?"

I heard him sigh. He did not actually sigh, but I heard it just the same. "I see you do not understand my words at all .. Asria. You may do whatever it is you wish .. I simply wished to understand. I can be just fine .. not understanding"

"I am defensive, aren't I?" I asked him quietly after a pause. Everyone else had gone silent to listen to us.

He nodded. I was wearing his disappointment like a cloak.

"I am sorry Fonce" I offered quietly. I got up then and went to kneel beside him, closer to the fire. I put my hand on his arm. "I am a year keeper because Trayu was a year keeper. I want to learn to be a better one so he will be proud of me." I pressed my fingers into his forearm. "The idea that I should or even could be anything else makes me all.. uncomfortable."

Wrong answer. So very, very wrong. His black eyes snapped to mine but the glimmer that I normally saw him hold for me was gone. Everything there was dark and unfriendly like black fingers of ink were going to dart out from those eyes and ...hurt me. My hand on his arm lifted and I drew in a thick breath.

"If you have no other reason to be a Yearkeeper than you dead mate was one ..." His jaw twitched and I looked at him, my mind in a swirl of ..what the fuck?

"Why is that bad?"

"Asria .. just forget I said anything at all." And he left me there. I could see the line of his back was rigid and tense. I could see it in his arms and the way he held his fingers. He was out of earshot before I found my voice enough to say. "No."

Fonce the Tuchuck is not an easy man to know, nor to live with. But he has been easy on me, he has gone out of his way for me. This was the first time he lad left me unsure, dizzy with thought and filled with regret. I stayed there by the fire for a long moment, watching the place he had disappeared. I had a lot to think about now.. Not the least of which being putting a bonified Asria smile back on that mans face.

I am listening

I knew I would never sleep a wink if I did not let him know somehow that he was in my thoughts. That his irritation was slinking around under my skin.

I hear you.

He had not pushed and still.. he had changed everything. How.. just like Fonce. I did not stop to check if he was home when I slipped over. I left a glass jar, ironically one that still held a bit of dried paint, filled with white wild flowers. I tied a green ribbon around the rim and hoped he would find them before Catch did and that he would know..

I heard you.

I just hoped.. that I was right.

What I want:

I was going to tell Fonce, tonight. I could not put it off a moment longer. Especially if he really had already sent Serge off to fetch him something. I knew Fonce would not sell my daughter and I for little more then a song. I knew he would make it difficult to win me.But Serge was not a man easily put off, he was a Tuchuck warrior. If Fonce gave him a challenge he would rise to it, and then take it one step farther.

The evening started wonderfully. Fonce and I teased each other. I made him laugh and he made me blush. He asked me to wash the dishes and I took great pleasure in.. not doing them. I served him water and reminded him how well behaved I have been. I knew how much it would upset him if It were I chained to a wagon wheel for thinking I was above the law of the Ubar. I wanted Fonce to look at me and see only the best parts of me.

There was a small skirmish, the Ubar got rid of some silly woman and Fonce came to crouch my the fire. I was behind him, on the furs.

"So what changed your mind about Serge .. Asria." He said. Do you hear it? The pause before my name? I want to eat that pause and own it.

"I have not changed my mind... I never wanted to mate Serge. I just knew you thought it was a good idea and I did not want to be a burden to you for ever.." I folded my hands primly in my lap in some girlish attempt to seem poised and self assured. "But I would be very.. very unhappy to be the woman of Serge."

"I never told you I thought it was a good idea .. I simply asked you if you wanted him around and you told me there were worse men in fact I believe I made for damn sure to tell you there were indeed better men."

My face got hot as I watched the back of his head, his shoulders and they way they were set. "I did not really hear you properly then. I wasn't ready to listen yet." I reached up to pull my hair over one shoulder and run my fingers over the thick ridges. "But I.. am ready know, I know there are better men."

Skies did I know it.

"Next time I ask you .. what you want ... answer me honestly instead of trying to think ahead for me. You will most likely get it wrong."

"Will you still ask me what I want if you know I will be honest?"

"I would still ask you what you want even if I knew you would lie to me Asria .. it is just my way, but .. you will be much more comfortable if you let me give you the things you actually want and need."

"Ealier I said you were lucky to have me for a ward, because I am so terribly well behaved. Maybe I am just a little bit luckier to have you for a guardian."

He smirked. "Remember you said that .. because I am going to remind you of that and I have a feeling I will be reminding you ... a lot."

That's when it happened and I will remember this very moment for the rest of my life no matter which path I take. There was something like a snap inside of my belly and a surge of bubbles came rushing up to the tense surface of my soul. I suddenly felt.. things. Like I had felt when I realized I was pregnant, but softer, and sharper all at once. This was harder to understand, harder to wrap my head around. I had to pay attention to my breath.

"I won't need much reminding. I promise." I finally spoke. I wonder if he heard the change in my voice or if he was as lost to it as I was.

I was filled with a desire to please him. Not like a slave or even as a free woman, or his ward, or his friend.. I just wanted to please him as a person, for no reason at all, with no expectations. I needed to make him happier, make him feel like I felt all the time. I wanted to share my bubbles like could scoop them up from inside of me and offer them in my hands to him.

I should have known it couldn't last.

Dirty Dancing

I have had so much on my mind lately. Mostly about the baby and telling everyone, but other things too. Quieter things. I followed the Ubar from the stream to the first fires once I was sure my face was dry and pink again. Lei was with me, looking rather upset with the world. I wish I had noticed it them, I was missing a little hurricane building up in her small body.

When I arrived I saw quickly who the chained woman was and I was.. not surprised to say the least. These are not my fires though so I keep my mouth shut. I told Mezoo first, chain of command and all that, and then slipped in to sit beside her, along with Cana and Tarra and the others. I pointedly paid no attention to the Ubar and the red head. None.

My shoulders still hung a little heavy, I felt stained by the implications of others but left with little way to immediately plead my innocence. When I saw Fonce rise I followed suit.. mostly because I feel like I owe the man an awful lot, you know? So taking away his dirty dishes is the very, very least I can do. He has slaves to cook and sew for him. He has more friends that he can likely count; he has at least a dozen slaves full of whatever he could ever need. So, I offered to carry his dishes. Plus, I wanted to be distracted.

The way he acted, and I laugh to think of it, was outrageously unreasonable! He refused to give me the dishes. I grinned and so did he. And then.. we danced. if he moved left, so did I, only it took two of my steps to his one.

"Give me the dishes Fonce."

"Why do you want them.. Asria?"

It was the way he always paused before saying my name that tugged at me you know. The next thing I knew the dishes clattered into the basin with the others. I teased him that I would go tomorrow and wash all his damn dishes.. and he threatened to alter all of my clothing.

I hate washing dishes anyway.

The evening ended quickly for me, at least at the fires, and I returned home to find my daughter talking to...

"Rosalita." I spoke her name as I approached. A hand settled on my hip, pulling my dress a little tighter around the small swell of my belly. I wanted her to see it.

"Lei go inside."

"But I was just-"

"Now." The edge of my voice was rare and my daughter, irritably, obeyed.

Rosalita laughed. "Tsk, don’t be upset Asria, a woman in your delicate condition..."

"What are you doing here?" The fire burned low between us, leaving shadows on our faces.

"I came to congratulate you..." She paused, the bitchy smile she wore never faltered. "about Serge."

My lips, thin and dry, parted suddenly as I inhaled.

"Oh don't act so surprised, everyone knows that Serge has asked Fonce to mate you." Rosalita knew this was not what I wanted at all and perhaps I had been complacent about it long enough.

"He would have told me." I stood perfectly still, refusing to back down or let her see how much she was getting to me.

"Not if he sent Serge away to retrieve something, some kind of ... price. When was the last time you saw Serge anyway?" The witch grinned, her lips were too thin when she smiled, and her teeth took up too much space.

A million tiny little needles of thought were throwing themselves at me, demanding all of my attention. I had not seen Serge in over a hand now and had he not implied he was going to ask Fonce for me? Now that they knew I was with child it could be all the more imperative that I was taken care of, that I was someone’s woman.

Rosalita watched this all in my face, where it played out like a moving picture complete with sound. She laughed brightly, girlishly and then closed the space between us; she was light on her feet in her elated mood. She kissed me, right near my mouth. I felt her tongue on my skin. She would have eaten a bite of my heart, I swear she would have. I pulled away, my green eyes glared at her.

"Poor Asria, whatever will you do?"

I did not answer as she left me there with my dying fire and my daughter watching from the platform, soaking it all in. I turned my head to meet her worried eyes.

Poor Asria indeed.. what the hell was I going to do?

Miss. Understood

Protocol. Right? My own personal chain of command. Lei had known all along, I think he whispered it in her ear while she slept. I told Fonce next and pretended to ignore the dark flicker in his gaze. The next person who had a stake in my existence was the Ubar.

And the Ubar thinks I am a whore.

I found him at the stream, he stank of verr and sweat and frustration. I kept a sizable distance between us. I smiled as I told him. I expected, foolishly, for him to be happy. Or at least to fake it. Please, Ayguili, I willed him, fake it for me.

"Isn't it wonderful?"

"Wonderful?" He asked me, doubtfully. "Not exactly how I would phrase it. Is he going to do right by you?"

My heart broke. Like a glass balloon it shattered and spilled its pieces at my feet for me to walk on next. I am such a foolish woman. I assumed, at the moment, that he meant Trayu, though the edges of his words and mine did not line up.

I told Ayguili, at great and tearful length, that it was wonderful even if he did not think so and that he was a beastly man for faulting me for the death of Trayu. Who was I to tell the skies the timing was all wrong? Who was I at all?

"Fonce will take responsibility." My shoulders were trembling. I had forgotten Lei was with me, leaning against my thigh learning all the wrong lessons about who men and women worked together. How stupid he must have thought me, how much I did not understand about ..suspicions.

Ayguili grasped my shoulders, they were small in his hands and I felt the frailty of myself as he tightened his fingers and made me look up at him.

"Listen to what you just said, Asria."

One heartbeat, two.. "Oh!" Not a slow sound, it was quick and hot and I hit him. And then I hit him again. Him too! I was rocked to my core by the very idea. If Ayguili thought Fonce was the father of my child.. Who else thought the very same thing? If I had let people think that.. How long would I, or my child, have to live in that shadow?

The Ubar let go of me and I had stopped shaking. "Asria, you need to start giving some thought to your words before letting them spill past your tongue. I was not the only one that took it that way the other night. I didn't know who to be more angry with, him or you."

"Well you.. Should have asked me! Someone should have just asked." I would have asked, I thought. Cripes, I would have jumped up and asked out loud if I ever thought something so ugly. I had not even said I was pregnant that night.

"Why do you think Cana left so abruptly? He is probably her closest friend and she didn’t know what to think. "

And now.. I had guilt. I nodded, my gaze left his and never went back. I lowered down to the stream and cupped my hands in the running water, filling them, and then splashed the water on my face, washing away the salt that was drying there in little rivers of my own.

"It doesn't matter now, does it? What's done is done. I can only move forward." I was, at heart, still an optimist, even when I had to fake it.

"Good for you. And congratulations, you carry a special baby, a legacy to your fallen mate. Now, with that in mind, you walk to those fires with your head held high. But, make me one promise. Think before you speak."

Even Fonce did not speak to me that way, not even when I had made a false assumption about another man. He had snapped at me, pushed me down with his eyes but it was not like this. I felt inept and .. stupid. I wanted to tell him that I had not said anything wrong, everyone else had just made assumptions and rather wild ones at that! I said nothing though, you know why? There was more of them assuming then of me speaking and if 5 people think I said something.. I must have implied it.

"I will. Thank you, Ubar."

"Remember, head held high. Now, I need to go see to a chained woman."

He winked at Lei.

"Both of you come to the fires very soon."

I felt like Jezebel from hell.

The flippant smile that does not bite.

For Charlie
I broke down at the side of the road; the vehicle of my creativity had grown tired and weak. I blew out the left rear wheel of my mind. The wind pulled the door against my hand as I pushed it open and stepped out into the traffic.

The wind pulled at my hair, tugged free a pink ribbon and pulled rudely at my skirt. I slammed the door, I kicked the tire and I said an ugly word that was not like me. I reached up to try and pull my loose tresses from my face.

I felt you before I saw you. You drove by once and saw my legs. You looked right up to my thigh and would have kept going but my pink ribbon got caught up in your windshield wiper and it was starting to rain. I caught your eye.

You turned around and came to my aid; I don't think you meant too, I think it was an accident. An important accident.

"You have a flat." You told me, your voice was thick like the honey in my bitter tea. You sweetened it.

"I know, but I can fix it myself." I told you, because I could fix it, I did not need to be rescued. I did not know that I wanted to be.

You shrugged and crossed your arms over your chest and smirked. "Okay then."

I wished I had not said that, I wished I had, right away and without hesitation, asked for your help. We stood there a moment before I moved, one hand holding down my skirt as I silently told you I was a prude. As I silently lied and let you think all the wrong things. You smirked, did you know better? even then?

I got wet in the rain but not you, you stood and watched and stayed clean and dry. I was ankle deep in mud; my red shoes disappeared from my small feet. Now and then I looked up at you and you smirked down at me. I smiled, flippantly.

My pink ribbon forgotten on your windshield.

All I had to do was ask and I think you would have helped me. All I had to do was say please and I think you would have gotten my shoes out of the mud. All I had to do was give you a smile that was not flippant. I know, I knew. The simplest things are always the hardest for me.

I can write you my soul but to give it to you? I falter. I make a joke.

I fixed my minds tire and I jumped my own battery. I was dirty for it, I was unclean. The rain was slowing, stopping and my hair dried in frizzy curls the way I hate and you still smirked.

"Are you finished?" You asked me. My heart skipped a beat. Was I finished? Would you get back in your car and drive away with my ribbon? Did you see the panic in my eyes? Did you hear the sharp way I breathed my next breath. Did you see my fingers tighten on each other the way they wanted to tighten on you? Under you.

Were you waiting for my flippant smile?

You never gave me back my pink ribbon, do you even know you still have it? When I smile that flippant smile, I am thinking of my pink ribbon.

"No, I am imperfect. I am beautiful. I am hopeless and helpless and too strong to say so. But I will never be finished." The pavement cracked under the quiet of what I said.

I think I saw you smile.

Sharing my shiny

After speaking with Fonce I hurried to find Cana. I know he told me to get to sleep but, for once I was not tired so early and I was full of expendable energy. I kissed Lei, washed my face and made the walk from our wagons to Cana’s. I found her outside playing her flute and while I normally would not have interrupted her; tonight I nearly knocked her down with my hug. I hardly let her breath before I began speaking and smashing her peaceful solitude all to bits.

"Guess what? I'm pregnant." I grinned at her.

“I know. Now sit down and quit getting so over excited.” Cana laughed.

I knew all along that Cana had had an idea; it was why I had so often been avoiding meeting her eyes. I had several reasons, or you might say excuses, for keeping it to myself. I wanted to follow a certain protocol. I wanted to be sure Fonce would not take the news badly, that it would not affect my place card at the first fires. I had meant to tell the Ubar next but It was Cana who filled up my heart, I broke the chain to tell her second. The other reason? I took a certain pleasure in holding such a delicate secret, I felt protective over it.

Cana hugged me and told me a little about Lochlan and our voices were quiet for a moment. We are not unusual or special in that we have lost the men we loved, most women on the plains will watch a man they love die at least once. We live a dangerous life; we walk on the edge of a razor. I was lucky for the years I had with Trayu, many were not as blessed as I had been.

"Thank you so much for being my friend Cana, I do not know what I do without you.”

No empty words for her, I meant it. I was still pretty sure being the Ubara was a lonely lot in life and even more so now that she was as alone as I. I promised to come by soon for some dresses that would suit me better. I was too tired by the time we finished talking, to visit the fires and share my news and Lei would be waiting for me

“Good night Cana!" I called as I hurried back to find Lei and get to sleep.

Cana laughed as I left. The sound of it warmed up my soul.

“Be well my friend.”

Catch up Asria.

I had gone earlier, to the fields to try and find Fonce. Lei and I had watched for a short time. It did not take long though for the smell to invade my .. rather delicate.. senses. I consider branding to be man’s work; in fact I consider a lot of things to be men’s work. I have come to see many women on the harriga, especially of the first fires, would not agree with me but I see a clear division in what is for men to do and what is for women to do.

He will hunt and I will cook.

He will steer and I will clean up.

He will raid and I will divide.

And right now.. Fonce will brand the bosk and I will nurture life. It seems a fair enough trade, I should think, from his point of view. He can stop at the end of the day and wash away his work. I will carry mine with me every moment of the day and night. It makes me grin to know that for once I have the harder job.

I was considering the roles of men and women in the tribe when I saw Fonce heading to our wagons. He is too busy a man to come to visit with me for simple company so I knew this.. this was about the spanking.

He was hot and sweaty from the work he was doing.. for me, so I offered him a bowl of water. I did not ask, I simply filled the bowl and held it out to him as we spoke. This is another of the roles of men and women I do not find blurry. If he works for me, I will offer him water.

Turns out Lei was right, the spanking was for me! I did not think a spanking from Fonce would end at all like a spanking from Trayu would have. But then.. There were parts of Fonce I did not know, and did not trust.

I am still stinging from the implication that I have laid with Serge. I wanted to hit him for even thinking such a thing. I could barely bring myself to share a meal with that man, let alone offer him my pinkest parts.

"Do I seem like that kind of woman, Fonce?" I asked him, very quietly.

“Am I spanking you .. Asria?”

I blushed hot and red.

“It is not something to hide or be ashamed of .. let the Sky know how proud you are .. let your gifts be seen beneath it”

I hugged him, harder then I ever had before and cried happily into his shoulder. The dirt he wore upon him ruined my tunic and was spread across my cheek and the bridge of my nose. I did not care. I hardly even noticed the smell now. His arms around me were nothing like Trayu’s, they did not give me the same feeling but I needed it just the same, for what it was. We often to not pay enough attention to how important the human touch is. A hand upon your shoulder, a thumb across your cheek.

“Then tell Trayu” He said “.. Though I imagine he knows and is simply waiting around for you to catch up”

I laughed. The idea was wonderful and incredible and too big to fully settle inside my head.. Trayu had the last word. After Lei we had been simply unable to have another child no matter how hard we tried. And trust me.. we tried.. a lot. Some of the things we did were a little bit legendary. It was unfair that it would happen now.. and poetic at the same time.

“The Sky has given you such a gift, Asria”

His words were muffled by my hair and my own sniffling. I told him I loved him, which would probably shock people, but it is true. I love Fonce. He was my lifeline, my support system, my friend and my pusher.

“And if it is a son ... it will be Trayu's legacy ... someone he has left behind to take care of you and Lei, always.”

But Fonce won’t be getting off the hook that easy. I kissed his cheek before he left and then I hurried to go find Cana, no matter the hour.

I had to tell the world.

Thank you

My mother always said my sister, Satsu was like wood. As rooted to the earth as a sakura tree... But she told me I was like water... Water can carve its way through stone. And when trapped, water makes a new path.. –Memiors of a Geisha

Water is the source of all life. On the day of the branding I scooped out nearly the last of my water. This was not a task I expected Fonce to handle, nor one I would give to my daughter or even Tug. I normally fetched the water myself. I have been too wrapped up in my memory painting and the baby.. I have no better excuse then I simply.. forgot.

I did not spend the day at my wagons. I took Lei and a bit of sweet fruit and cheese rolled up in a cloth and we headed away from the branding, to a quieter part of the stream. Trees were sparse but we found a quiet place to eat our lunch. Sometimes I just like to hear the things she thinks, the things that pop up in her head. My daughter does not run around and play very much and I suppose some people might see that as strange. She keeps to herself, she keeps close to me or Fonce or Also. There are few women she favors.. Cana, Mezoo. She did not like Ayguili at first, she was terribly rude to him really, but we have spoken of that and what it means to be the Ubar of our people. She wishes to be of the first wagons even more then I, I think. She wants to live next to Fonce.

Laughing, I asked her… “Live beside Fonce? Why would you want to do that? He can be so grumpy and he will always be watching you, Lei.”

My daughter smiled, holding a cheese sandwich the size of her little face. “I know, but someone has to make sure he makes the wheels the right way.”

She was so serious! It was all I could do to hold in my laughter. “You will have to be nicer then, if you want our family to move to the first wagons.”

“And the baby? Will the baby come too?” I was startled by her question but.. not surprised. I had thought she knew all along. I did not wonder why she was so anxious.

“Of course the baby will come with us.” I smiled, leaning over to kiss the top of her head. I did not see the worry on her face. If I had and I had pressed her hard enough I would have found out what Lei was thinking… That Fonce was going to take the baby so she wanted us to live next door so she could watch the baby. I would have been so angry with that man, if I had known.

It was a nice day, peaceful and quiet. The only sound was the far away squeals of the calves and the sound of our giggles. I taught Lei how to braid hair for the first time and we talked about my memory painting. Imke joined us briefly, just long enough to steal a bit of cheese and, I think, kiss leis cheek, leaving her blushing.

It was nearly a perfect day.

When we returned to the wagon I found someone had refilled our water barrels. Nearly to the top! That was so much work! Lei said it was the sky; it must have rained over the barrels. “Perhaps.” I replied. But I had a feeling it was some other little blessing. It was strange to feel thankful towards a slave but I did. I wanted to thank Catch. She surely had enough of her own tasks to deal with. I do not imagine Fonce is an easy man to be owned by and I knew Catch was caring for the newer slave and I had seen her many times learning with Dee.

The next time I saw Catch passing by I would give her the only gift I really could. I would tell her, out loud. “Thank you.”

Tick.. Tock...

I had skipped the branding activities and I knew what would follow. Questions. Lots of them. Because I was trying, quietly, to become one of the first fires, I was expected to be there. It was a chance to show I was one of them, willing to work as hard as anyone else. But I knew I did not belong there, branding is no place for a woman in my condition. What happened to Yamka is a perfect example of why.

So I suppose I have no one to blame but myself for what happened later. I couldn’t stay away long, I was still feeling like all my happy was about to go from hot simmer to boiling over in the blink of an eye. I had to share myself with people. I suppose that sounds funny but it is the simplest way to describe how I was feeling. I needed to share my shiny feelings with every single person I met and leave my finger print on their smiles.

I may be the corniest pregnant woman there ever was.

I found Mezoo there and Ayguili, and I immediately set about making tea and sitting beside Mezoo. I have not seen her lately though we have exchanged waves and glances. There is something she wishes to tell me, I can tell, there is a promise of it in her gaze. I am pretty sure she sees the same promise in my own. While I was not ready tonight to spill my secret I hoped she was ready to spill hers.

Cana and Tarra arrived soon after and I wanted to tell Cana about Tug’s visit but that seemed too delicate a thing to bring up before others, even if they were friends. I wanted privacy when I told her about my conversation with her oldest son.

Right about then is when my shiny happy bubble got trampled all to hell.

“Are you losing weight, Asria?” Mezoo asked.

“No, are you? You look thin, I will bring you some cake later, it’s got some citrus in it..” Or something of the sort, I know I offered to feed her.

“Are you feeling all right Asria?” Cana next.

“Your clothes are too big, Woman.” That was Ayguili. Et tu, Brute’?

I like to think I am a calm woman, I am rarely inspired to anger but anger is only one emotion. I am easily stirred up and I felt cornered, even a little threatened. I wanted to protect my secret still. But I could feel too many eyes on me. Tarra said the least but stared the most. My skin felt alive with their gazes. Ayguili demanded Cana see that I have better clothing and I, too quickly and too rashly, said no. It was for Fonce to see that I had what I needed, that he was responsible for me.

Did you hear what I said? I said Fonce was responsible. Cana, immediately got up and left and I think Tarra was beginning to stew. I considered going after her, to see what the matter was but it was late and Magda can get a little.. strange at night. She is not well known in her clan but she is a haurspex and while I respect her and trust her.. she scares me half to death. I do not like when she starts teaching my daughter words I do not understand and songs I do not know. So I did not follow Cana, or say anything else. I left instead, in a hurry, anxious and unnerved. I had not told anyone about the baby yet but I think they were figuring it out. Especially Cana who has come to know me so well and Mezoo who is more.. tuned in then most.

I am running out of time.

Of Fathers.. and loss

If little girls are the promise of the future then little boys are the protectors of such. I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on what it means to me to be a year keeper. Not what it meant to Trayu, or what it means to Tayran. I am not focused on what Fonce thinks I should be or what my elders expect of me. I would have no answer yet if the Ubar asked me to explain myself to him.

I am Asria, widow of Trayu, mother to Lei, keeper of a wonderful secret.. but a year keeper? I think I prefer to paint the memories rather then memorize the years. I have no idea what Tayran will say when I try to explain this to him. I hope he will have some understanding. I am a caretaker. For children, for the fire, for the stream and for the memories.

My mind was a whirl of all this when Tug arrived. He looked solemn and perhaps even slightly bothered to be here. I could understand. He likely wanted to be home helping his own family, why should he be helping me? A perfect stranger who already had a guardian. Also came with him, quiet and happy. He smiled for me and I let him and Lei get into some of my charcoal bits and scraps of paper that had been torn from books in a recent raid.

I wasted little time before I sat down with Tug, just eight years old but so full of questions. It was electric, his need to know, to do. I showed him the leather straps, dry and cracked, that I needed worked over and oiled. I showed him a pile of rope I needed mended. Simple tasks that took a strong hand but not a strong mind. I wanted to gather up his attention for myself, coax a conversation from his heart.

And I did.

The conversation Tug and I had was very private, very personal.. too personal to repeat even now. This morning I met a boy but by the time he would leave me he would be a little bit more a man that before. I take no credit for this, it was all his own. He simply had to look inside of himself and see the glimmers. The glimmers of a father he never knew.

"When you think of him, what do you see?"

"I see hands, strong hands."

"When you think of him, what do you hear?"

"I hear laughter, my mothers laughter."

I smiled. He smiled too.

Children are sometimes so much wiser then we give them credit for. We talked more, long past lunchtime, nearly past supper. Also and Lei had to find their meal at Magdas fires for Tug and I did not hunger for food. Eventually though I heard Cana calling for them and I rose, my body was stiff from the sitting and the work. Tug jumped up, his ears pinkened. He was likely, I thought, to be embarrassed by how open he had been about his father. I had not needed to prod him very hard. I think he may have been a little anxious to discuss these things with someone outside of his family.

There was so much on those boys’ shoulders that I was inspired by his ability to stand so tall. I had heard him express his desire to care for his family and I reminded him that, like Fonce cares me Lei and I, Ayguili will care for his mother and him. He only shook his head, he knew but it did not matter, it was time to take his place as the man of the family and I think.. I think I understood.

Tug was losing faith.

How hard it was for him to lose not only his father but then every man he came to rely on after that. They all left Tug, left him to try and be strong and proud. I hugged him, probably to his dismay, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. He was such a child.. and such a man. I am not sure I am good enough to be given such a task as great as painting him a memory. I do not know if I am.. magical enough.

After he and also left and I got Lei settled down to sleep .. I turned back to my stretched leather and my paints.

I worked until the harriga was nearly silent and then.. I worked a little longer.

The one where we meet a slave

I have been waiting for days to find out just what it is Fonce thinks I have done. Some of the shiny has worn off my happy. It was still there but not as glaring now, my joy is simmering but I am pretty sure bubbles of happy can still roll to the surface.

The other night I went to Fonce's wagons. I figured at the very least I could speak with Catch about helping me out. I have been exceedingly picky about slaves and I really do not know why. I think it has a lot to do with Lei. Every time a slave leans over and speaks to Lei like she is retarded I take my daughters hand and move on. She does not need her intelligence insulted on a daily basis. I do not understand the childish way so many collared behave but I have never been a collared woman. I suppose it is tied into how helpless and dependant they must become, like children.

Anyhow, I went to Fonce's wagons and found a red headed woman there.. She was quite unlike Catch had been, eager to meet people and quick to smile. This woman was miserable, but then she is chained to a wagon. I spoke to her briefly but it was easy to see it would be a useless endeavor on my part. Catch offered me a delicious meal and a seat once she finished feeding the chained woman. I tried again to speak to her but she is not fit for conversation yet. Just ask Cana! The Ubara came by, and I have a funny feeling she was looking for me, and the next thing I knew the chained woman was calling us soft and weak and Cana was about to shave the girls head. This is not an uncommon occurrence on the plains.. there is good reason Fonce keeps Catch away from the main fires. I had a feeling it would be a very long time before we saw this chained women there.

I asked Catch about checking in on me and Lei, just to poke around and see what was needed. She was pleased with the idea and I hope she realized the trust being placed in her. There was not another slave in camp I would want near my things. After I ate I hurried back to my wagon. I was finding myself more and more tired and, I admit, I was eager to avoid the questions I saw in Canas eyes.