Losing my cute

After we had talked about Serge and I was able to breath like a normal person again, without the constant nagging worry of the future gnawing at my happiness, there was only a few of us left at the fires. Ayguili, Yamka, Fonce and I. The silly dweller had been removed from the glow of the fires and the laughter about her offer of a ship was gone. Everything should have settled down. I wanted to try and talk to him now, while the Ubar was here, about how I was going to become of the first fires. I seemed to be tagging along behind the others, so I brought up my task. Later I would wish I had just gone for a walk, or gotten food poisoning or bitten by a field mouse, seriously.. anything was better then.. disappointing Fonce.

"I almost finished the memory for Tug, did I tell you about it?"

"Tug? no you did not ."

"Ba'atar, before he left, asked me to make Tug something to tell him about his father. But... I am not so good at beaded calendars with precise dates and things so.. I am painting him a memory of his father."

"Painting? I did not know you were an artist Asria" He looked back at me with one of those looks, the ones that made the muscles of my belly tighten up and my spine curve. I did not often talk about my painting to people. I had told Cana and Ba'atar the first night I met them, only because we discussed the memory but shortly after that Seveya had come around and it felt wrong to call attention to my hobby when she was so loud about it being.. well, everything she is.

"It is still a calendar, sort of. Of the mans life, just in paint and not beads. I am painting the songs they sing for him."

"That is .. interesting." He responded and I was unable to hook into the emotion behind his words.

"Interesting good or.. interesting as in.. 'Oh Asria you silly girl you shouldn't do that'?

"Interesting as in .. outside the normal ideas of Yearkeeping, edging into .. Artisan."

Now I wished I had told him before, that I had not kept it hidden like it was some dirty secret. My face flushed. When I thought of Artisans I thought of potters and weavers and basket makers or bead makers.. I did not think in terms so general as painters. We do not have walls to hang framed paintings on. I am still unable to understand what an artisan who creates nothing of actual, tangible use.. is doing. I can appreciate the work and enjoy it, but it will not feed anyone, or assist them or be useful in any traditional way. And this is exactly why I did not tell very many people about my memory paintings, they are not traditionally, useful. I have a deep desire to be useful to people.

"All Tuchuck's are Artisans. Art is not about talent, it's about.. content."

"Explain to me .. what is the difference for you."

I cleared my throat. "Between talent and content?"

"Between what you are doing and what Seveya does. What makes you the Yearkeeper and her the Artisan?"

The Ubar was there, listening to all this and probably thinking of all the reasons I was not fit to sit at his fires. This seemed like a dangerous topic. I shifted slightly and fingered my braid once more. "The difference is content. Seveya will paint whatever she likes, her own ideas and thoughts and things. I paint and draw the memories of those I listen to the songs and to.. to peoples tears and paint the way they feel, as best as I can. I am not as talented as Seveya, just.. different."

Abstract.. the word I had been looking for was Abstract. I painted feelings, not pictures so much. Everything he was asking me was all tied in how useful I needed to be, how much I needed approval from him and the first fires. I knew Fonce was not, then, upset with me or even annoyed. He just wanted to know something inside of my head that wasn't properly coming out of my mouth.

"But that is what Seveya does .. her way of painting ... what she offers to people. As far as I understand .. it was her way of offering what she offered her talents to others .. a way of using her art."

"I have never heard her say any such thing... " And I was pissy about that statement, if he saw Seveya and I alike in what we did at all I would need to make sure the difference in us was more obvious, far. more. obvious.

I think he could see or at least hear the stiffness in my words because his line of questioning softened.. a tiny bit.

"I could be wrong .. it was my interpretation only and I merely wish to understand the difference" He paused here and looked at me again. "If you wish to paint .. why not be an Artisan?"

And here is where all my happy about not mating Serge and my shimmery bubbles from his teasing.. this is where he took my ice cream cone and threw it on the ground.

"All of my family were Year keepers and I am learning to understand the wheel calendars better.. Can I be a year keeper who paints? If Seveya is painting memories why doesn't she become a year keeper?"

I heard him sigh. He did not actually sigh, but I heard it just the same. "I see you do not understand my words at all .. Asria. You may do whatever it is you wish .. I simply wished to understand. I can be just fine .. not understanding"

"I am defensive, aren't I?" I asked him quietly after a pause. Everyone else had gone silent to listen to us.

He nodded. I was wearing his disappointment like a cloak.

"I am sorry Fonce" I offered quietly. I got up then and went to kneel beside him, closer to the fire. I put my hand on his arm. "I am a year keeper because Trayu was a year keeper. I want to learn to be a better one so he will be proud of me." I pressed my fingers into his forearm. "The idea that I should or even could be anything else makes me all.. uncomfortable."

Wrong answer. So very, very wrong. His black eyes snapped to mine but the glimmer that I normally saw him hold for me was gone. Everything there was dark and unfriendly like black fingers of ink were going to dart out from those eyes and ...hurt me. My hand on his arm lifted and I drew in a thick breath.

"If you have no other reason to be a Yearkeeper than you dead mate was one ..." His jaw twitched and I looked at him, my mind in a swirl of ..what the fuck?

"Why is that bad?"

"Asria .. just forget I said anything at all." And he left me there. I could see the line of his back was rigid and tense. I could see it in his arms and the way he held his fingers. He was out of earshot before I found my voice enough to say. "No."

Fonce the Tuchuck is not an easy man to know, nor to live with. But he has been easy on me, he has gone out of his way for me. This was the first time he lad left me unsure, dizzy with thought and filled with regret. I stayed there by the fire for a long moment, watching the place he had disappeared. I had a lot to think about now.. Not the least of which being putting a bonified Asria smile back on that mans face.

I am listening

I knew I would never sleep a wink if I did not let him know somehow that he was in my thoughts. That his irritation was slinking around under my skin.

I hear you.

He had not pushed and still.. he had changed everything. How.. just like Fonce. I did not stop to check if he was home when I slipped over. I left a glass jar, ironically one that still held a bit of dried paint, filled with white wild flowers. I tied a green ribbon around the rim and hoped he would find them before Catch did and that he would know..

I heard you.

I just hoped.. that I was right.

What I want:

I was going to tell Fonce, tonight. I could not put it off a moment longer. Especially if he really had already sent Serge off to fetch him something. I knew Fonce would not sell my daughter and I for little more then a song. I knew he would make it difficult to win me.But Serge was not a man easily put off, he was a Tuchuck warrior. If Fonce gave him a challenge he would rise to it, and then take it one step farther.

The evening started wonderfully. Fonce and I teased each other. I made him laugh and he made me blush. He asked me to wash the dishes and I took great pleasure in.. not doing them. I served him water and reminded him how well behaved I have been. I knew how much it would upset him if It were I chained to a wagon wheel for thinking I was above the law of the Ubar. I wanted Fonce to look at me and see only the best parts of me.

There was a small skirmish, the Ubar got rid of some silly woman and Fonce came to crouch my the fire. I was behind him, on the furs.

"So what changed your mind about Serge .. Asria." He said. Do you hear it? The pause before my name? I want to eat that pause and own it.

"I have not changed my mind... I never wanted to mate Serge. I just knew you thought it was a good idea and I did not want to be a burden to you for ever.." I folded my hands primly in my lap in some girlish attempt to seem poised and self assured. "But I would be very.. very unhappy to be the woman of Serge."

"I never told you I thought it was a good idea .. I simply asked you if you wanted him around and you told me there were worse men in fact I believe I made for damn sure to tell you there were indeed better men."

My face got hot as I watched the back of his head, his shoulders and they way they were set. "I did not really hear you properly then. I wasn't ready to listen yet." I reached up to pull my hair over one shoulder and run my fingers over the thick ridges. "But I.. am ready know, I know there are better men."

Skies did I know it.

"Next time I ask you .. what you want ... answer me honestly instead of trying to think ahead for me. You will most likely get it wrong."

"Will you still ask me what I want if you know I will be honest?"

"I would still ask you what you want even if I knew you would lie to me Asria .. it is just my way, but .. you will be much more comfortable if you let me give you the things you actually want and need."

"Ealier I said you were lucky to have me for a ward, because I am so terribly well behaved. Maybe I am just a little bit luckier to have you for a guardian."

He smirked. "Remember you said that .. because I am going to remind you of that and I have a feeling I will be reminding you ... a lot."

That's when it happened and I will remember this very moment for the rest of my life no matter which path I take. There was something like a snap inside of my belly and a surge of bubbles came rushing up to the tense surface of my soul. I suddenly felt.. things. Like I had felt when I realized I was pregnant, but softer, and sharper all at once. This was harder to understand, harder to wrap my head around. I had to pay attention to my breath.

"I won't need much reminding. I promise." I finally spoke. I wonder if he heard the change in my voice or if he was as lost to it as I was.

I was filled with a desire to please him. Not like a slave or even as a free woman, or his ward, or his friend.. I just wanted to please him as a person, for no reason at all, with no expectations. I needed to make him happier, make him feel like I felt all the time. I wanted to share my bubbles like could scoop them up from inside of me and offer them in my hands to him.

I should have known it couldn't last.

Dirty Dancing

I have had so much on my mind lately. Mostly about the baby and telling everyone, but other things too. Quieter things. I followed the Ubar from the stream to the first fires once I was sure my face was dry and pink again. Lei was with me, looking rather upset with the world. I wish I had noticed it them, I was missing a little hurricane building up in her small body.

When I arrived I saw quickly who the chained woman was and I was.. not surprised to say the least. These are not my fires though so I keep my mouth shut. I told Mezoo first, chain of command and all that, and then slipped in to sit beside her, along with Cana and Tarra and the others. I pointedly paid no attention to the Ubar and the red head. None.

My shoulders still hung a little heavy, I felt stained by the implications of others but left with little way to immediately plead my innocence. When I saw Fonce rise I followed suit.. mostly because I feel like I owe the man an awful lot, you know? So taking away his dirty dishes is the very, very least I can do. He has slaves to cook and sew for him. He has more friends that he can likely count; he has at least a dozen slaves full of whatever he could ever need. So, I offered to carry his dishes. Plus, I wanted to be distracted.

The way he acted, and I laugh to think of it, was outrageously unreasonable! He refused to give me the dishes. I grinned and so did he. And then.. we danced. if he moved left, so did I, only it took two of my steps to his one.

"Give me the dishes Fonce."

"Why do you want them.. Asria?"

It was the way he always paused before saying my name that tugged at me you know. The next thing I knew the dishes clattered into the basin with the others. I teased him that I would go tomorrow and wash all his damn dishes.. and he threatened to alter all of my clothing.

I hate washing dishes anyway.

The evening ended quickly for me, at least at the fires, and I returned home to find my daughter talking to...

"Rosalita." I spoke her name as I approached. A hand settled on my hip, pulling my dress a little tighter around the small swell of my belly. I wanted her to see it.

"Lei go inside."

"But I was just-"

"Now." The edge of my voice was rare and my daughter, irritably, obeyed.

Rosalita laughed. "Tsk, don’t be upset Asria, a woman in your delicate condition..."

"What are you doing here?" The fire burned low between us, leaving shadows on our faces.

"I came to congratulate you..." She paused, the bitchy smile she wore never faltered. "about Serge."

My lips, thin and dry, parted suddenly as I inhaled.

"Oh don't act so surprised, everyone knows that Serge has asked Fonce to mate you." Rosalita knew this was not what I wanted at all and perhaps I had been complacent about it long enough.

"He would have told me." I stood perfectly still, refusing to back down or let her see how much she was getting to me.

"Not if he sent Serge away to retrieve something, some kind of ... price. When was the last time you saw Serge anyway?" The witch grinned, her lips were too thin when she smiled, and her teeth took up too much space.

A million tiny little needles of thought were throwing themselves at me, demanding all of my attention. I had not seen Serge in over a hand now and had he not implied he was going to ask Fonce for me? Now that they knew I was with child it could be all the more imperative that I was taken care of, that I was someone’s woman.

Rosalita watched this all in my face, where it played out like a moving picture complete with sound. She laughed brightly, girlishly and then closed the space between us; she was light on her feet in her elated mood. She kissed me, right near my mouth. I felt her tongue on my skin. She would have eaten a bite of my heart, I swear she would have. I pulled away, my green eyes glared at her.

"Poor Asria, whatever will you do?"

I did not answer as she left me there with my dying fire and my daughter watching from the platform, soaking it all in. I turned my head to meet her worried eyes.

Poor Asria indeed.. what the hell was I going to do?

Miss. Understood

Protocol. Right? My own personal chain of command. Lei had known all along, I think he whispered it in her ear while she slept. I told Fonce next and pretended to ignore the dark flicker in his gaze. The next person who had a stake in my existence was the Ubar.

And the Ubar thinks I am a whore.

I found him at the stream, he stank of verr and sweat and frustration. I kept a sizable distance between us. I smiled as I told him. I expected, foolishly, for him to be happy. Or at least to fake it. Please, Ayguili, I willed him, fake it for me.

"Isn't it wonderful?"

"Wonderful?" He asked me, doubtfully. "Not exactly how I would phrase it. Is he going to do right by you?"

My heart broke. Like a glass balloon it shattered and spilled its pieces at my feet for me to walk on next. I am such a foolish woman. I assumed, at the moment, that he meant Trayu, though the edges of his words and mine did not line up.

I told Ayguili, at great and tearful length, that it was wonderful even if he did not think so and that he was a beastly man for faulting me for the death of Trayu. Who was I to tell the skies the timing was all wrong? Who was I at all?

"Fonce will take responsibility." My shoulders were trembling. I had forgotten Lei was with me, leaning against my thigh learning all the wrong lessons about who men and women worked together. How stupid he must have thought me, how much I did not understand about ..suspicions.

Ayguili grasped my shoulders, they were small in his hands and I felt the frailty of myself as he tightened his fingers and made me look up at him.

"Listen to what you just said, Asria."

One heartbeat, two.. "Oh!" Not a slow sound, it was quick and hot and I hit him. And then I hit him again. Him too! I was rocked to my core by the very idea. If Ayguili thought Fonce was the father of my child.. Who else thought the very same thing? If I had let people think that.. How long would I, or my child, have to live in that shadow?

The Ubar let go of me and I had stopped shaking. "Asria, you need to start giving some thought to your words before letting them spill past your tongue. I was not the only one that took it that way the other night. I didn't know who to be more angry with, him or you."

"Well you.. Should have asked me! Someone should have just asked." I would have asked, I thought. Cripes, I would have jumped up and asked out loud if I ever thought something so ugly. I had not even said I was pregnant that night.

"Why do you think Cana left so abruptly? He is probably her closest friend and she didn’t know what to think. "

And now.. I had guilt. I nodded, my gaze left his and never went back. I lowered down to the stream and cupped my hands in the running water, filling them, and then splashed the water on my face, washing away the salt that was drying there in little rivers of my own.

"It doesn't matter now, does it? What's done is done. I can only move forward." I was, at heart, still an optimist, even when I had to fake it.

"Good for you. And congratulations, you carry a special baby, a legacy to your fallen mate. Now, with that in mind, you walk to those fires with your head held high. But, make me one promise. Think before you speak."

Even Fonce did not speak to me that way, not even when I had made a false assumption about another man. He had snapped at me, pushed me down with his eyes but it was not like this. I felt inept and .. stupid. I wanted to tell him that I had not said anything wrong, everyone else had just made assumptions and rather wild ones at that! I said nothing though, you know why? There was more of them assuming then of me speaking and if 5 people think I said something.. I must have implied it.

"I will. Thank you, Ubar."

"Remember, head held high. Now, I need to go see to a chained woman."

He winked at Lei.

"Both of you come to the fires very soon."

I felt like Jezebel from hell.

The flippant smile that does not bite.

For Charlie
I broke down at the side of the road; the vehicle of my creativity had grown tired and weak. I blew out the left rear wheel of my mind. The wind pulled the door against my hand as I pushed it open and stepped out into the traffic.

The wind pulled at my hair, tugged free a pink ribbon and pulled rudely at my skirt. I slammed the door, I kicked the tire and I said an ugly word that was not like me. I reached up to try and pull my loose tresses from my face.

I felt you before I saw you. You drove by once and saw my legs. You looked right up to my thigh and would have kept going but my pink ribbon got caught up in your windshield wiper and it was starting to rain. I caught your eye.

You turned around and came to my aid; I don't think you meant too, I think it was an accident. An important accident.

"You have a flat." You told me, your voice was thick like the honey in my bitter tea. You sweetened it.

"I know, but I can fix it myself." I told you, because I could fix it, I did not need to be rescued. I did not know that I wanted to be.

You shrugged and crossed your arms over your chest and smirked. "Okay then."

I wished I had not said that, I wished I had, right away and without hesitation, asked for your help. We stood there a moment before I moved, one hand holding down my skirt as I silently told you I was a prude. As I silently lied and let you think all the wrong things. You smirked, did you know better? even then?

I got wet in the rain but not you, you stood and watched and stayed clean and dry. I was ankle deep in mud; my red shoes disappeared from my small feet. Now and then I looked up at you and you smirked down at me. I smiled, flippantly.

My pink ribbon forgotten on your windshield.

All I had to do was ask and I think you would have helped me. All I had to do was say please and I think you would have gotten my shoes out of the mud. All I had to do was give you a smile that was not flippant. I know, I knew. The simplest things are always the hardest for me.

I can write you my soul but to give it to you? I falter. I make a joke.

I fixed my minds tire and I jumped my own battery. I was dirty for it, I was unclean. The rain was slowing, stopping and my hair dried in frizzy curls the way I hate and you still smirked.

"Are you finished?" You asked me. My heart skipped a beat. Was I finished? Would you get back in your car and drive away with my ribbon? Did you see the panic in my eyes? Did you hear the sharp way I breathed my next breath. Did you see my fingers tighten on each other the way they wanted to tighten on you? Under you.

Were you waiting for my flippant smile?

You never gave me back my pink ribbon, do you even know you still have it? When I smile that flippant smile, I am thinking of my pink ribbon.

"No, I am imperfect. I am beautiful. I am hopeless and helpless and too strong to say so. But I will never be finished." The pavement cracked under the quiet of what I said.

I think I saw you smile.

Sharing my shiny

After speaking with Fonce I hurried to find Cana. I know he told me to get to sleep but, for once I was not tired so early and I was full of expendable energy. I kissed Lei, washed my face and made the walk from our wagons to Cana’s. I found her outside playing her flute and while I normally would not have interrupted her; tonight I nearly knocked her down with my hug. I hardly let her breath before I began speaking and smashing her peaceful solitude all to bits.

"Guess what? I'm pregnant." I grinned at her.

“I know. Now sit down and quit getting so over excited.” Cana laughed.

I knew all along that Cana had had an idea; it was why I had so often been avoiding meeting her eyes. I had several reasons, or you might say excuses, for keeping it to myself. I wanted to follow a certain protocol. I wanted to be sure Fonce would not take the news badly, that it would not affect my place card at the first fires. I had meant to tell the Ubar next but It was Cana who filled up my heart, I broke the chain to tell her second. The other reason? I took a certain pleasure in holding such a delicate secret, I felt protective over it.

Cana hugged me and told me a little about Lochlan and our voices were quiet for a moment. We are not unusual or special in that we have lost the men we loved, most women on the plains will watch a man they love die at least once. We live a dangerous life; we walk on the edge of a razor. I was lucky for the years I had with Trayu, many were not as blessed as I had been.

"Thank you so much for being my friend Cana, I do not know what I do without you.”

No empty words for her, I meant it. I was still pretty sure being the Ubara was a lonely lot in life and even more so now that she was as alone as I. I promised to come by soon for some dresses that would suit me better. I was too tired by the time we finished talking, to visit the fires and share my news and Lei would be waiting for me

“Good night Cana!" I called as I hurried back to find Lei and get to sleep.

Cana laughed as I left. The sound of it warmed up my soul.

“Be well my friend.”

Catch up Asria.

I had gone earlier, to the fields to try and find Fonce. Lei and I had watched for a short time. It did not take long though for the smell to invade my .. rather delicate.. senses. I consider branding to be man’s work; in fact I consider a lot of things to be men’s work. I have come to see many women on the harriga, especially of the first fires, would not agree with me but I see a clear division in what is for men to do and what is for women to do.

He will hunt and I will cook.

He will steer and I will clean up.

He will raid and I will divide.

And right now.. Fonce will brand the bosk and I will nurture life. It seems a fair enough trade, I should think, from his point of view. He can stop at the end of the day and wash away his work. I will carry mine with me every moment of the day and night. It makes me grin to know that for once I have the harder job.

I was considering the roles of men and women in the tribe when I saw Fonce heading to our wagons. He is too busy a man to come to visit with me for simple company so I knew this.. this was about the spanking.

He was hot and sweaty from the work he was doing.. for me, so I offered him a bowl of water. I did not ask, I simply filled the bowl and held it out to him as we spoke. This is another of the roles of men and women I do not find blurry. If he works for me, I will offer him water.

Turns out Lei was right, the spanking was for me! I did not think a spanking from Fonce would end at all like a spanking from Trayu would have. But then.. There were parts of Fonce I did not know, and did not trust.

I am still stinging from the implication that I have laid with Serge. I wanted to hit him for even thinking such a thing. I could barely bring myself to share a meal with that man, let alone offer him my pinkest parts.

"Do I seem like that kind of woman, Fonce?" I asked him, very quietly.

“Am I spanking you .. Asria?”

I blushed hot and red.

“It is not something to hide or be ashamed of .. let the Sky know how proud you are .. let your gifts be seen beneath it”

I hugged him, harder then I ever had before and cried happily into his shoulder. The dirt he wore upon him ruined my tunic and was spread across my cheek and the bridge of my nose. I did not care. I hardly even noticed the smell now. His arms around me were nothing like Trayu’s, they did not give me the same feeling but I needed it just the same, for what it was. We often to not pay enough attention to how important the human touch is. A hand upon your shoulder, a thumb across your cheek.

“Then tell Trayu” He said “.. Though I imagine he knows and is simply waiting around for you to catch up”

I laughed. The idea was wonderful and incredible and too big to fully settle inside my head.. Trayu had the last word. After Lei we had been simply unable to have another child no matter how hard we tried. And trust me.. we tried.. a lot. Some of the things we did were a little bit legendary. It was unfair that it would happen now.. and poetic at the same time.

“The Sky has given you such a gift, Asria”

His words were muffled by my hair and my own sniffling. I told him I loved him, which would probably shock people, but it is true. I love Fonce. He was my lifeline, my support system, my friend and my pusher.

“And if it is a son ... it will be Trayu's legacy ... someone he has left behind to take care of you and Lei, always.”

But Fonce won’t be getting off the hook that easy. I kissed his cheek before he left and then I hurried to go find Cana, no matter the hour.

I had to tell the world.

Thank you

My mother always said my sister, Satsu was like wood. As rooted to the earth as a sakura tree... But she told me I was like water... Water can carve its way through stone. And when trapped, water makes a new path.. –Memiors of a Geisha

Water is the source of all life. On the day of the branding I scooped out nearly the last of my water. This was not a task I expected Fonce to handle, nor one I would give to my daughter or even Tug. I normally fetched the water myself. I have been too wrapped up in my memory painting and the baby.. I have no better excuse then I simply.. forgot.

I did not spend the day at my wagons. I took Lei and a bit of sweet fruit and cheese rolled up in a cloth and we headed away from the branding, to a quieter part of the stream. Trees were sparse but we found a quiet place to eat our lunch. Sometimes I just like to hear the things she thinks, the things that pop up in her head. My daughter does not run around and play very much and I suppose some people might see that as strange. She keeps to herself, she keeps close to me or Fonce or Also. There are few women she favors.. Cana, Mezoo. She did not like Ayguili at first, she was terribly rude to him really, but we have spoken of that and what it means to be the Ubar of our people. She wishes to be of the first wagons even more then I, I think. She wants to live next to Fonce.

Laughing, I asked her… “Live beside Fonce? Why would you want to do that? He can be so grumpy and he will always be watching you, Lei.”

My daughter smiled, holding a cheese sandwich the size of her little face. “I know, but someone has to make sure he makes the wheels the right way.”

She was so serious! It was all I could do to hold in my laughter. “You will have to be nicer then, if you want our family to move to the first wagons.”

“And the baby? Will the baby come too?” I was startled by her question but.. not surprised. I had thought she knew all along. I did not wonder why she was so anxious.

“Of course the baby will come with us.” I smiled, leaning over to kiss the top of her head. I did not see the worry on her face. If I had and I had pressed her hard enough I would have found out what Lei was thinking… That Fonce was going to take the baby so she wanted us to live next door so she could watch the baby. I would have been so angry with that man, if I had known.

It was a nice day, peaceful and quiet. The only sound was the far away squeals of the calves and the sound of our giggles. I taught Lei how to braid hair for the first time and we talked about my memory painting. Imke joined us briefly, just long enough to steal a bit of cheese and, I think, kiss leis cheek, leaving her blushing.

It was nearly a perfect day.

When we returned to the wagon I found someone had refilled our water barrels. Nearly to the top! That was so much work! Lei said it was the sky; it must have rained over the barrels. “Perhaps.” I replied. But I had a feeling it was some other little blessing. It was strange to feel thankful towards a slave but I did. I wanted to thank Catch. She surely had enough of her own tasks to deal with. I do not imagine Fonce is an easy man to be owned by and I knew Catch was caring for the newer slave and I had seen her many times learning with Dee.

The next time I saw Catch passing by I would give her the only gift I really could. I would tell her, out loud. “Thank you.”

Tick.. Tock...

I had skipped the branding activities and I knew what would follow. Questions. Lots of them. Because I was trying, quietly, to become one of the first fires, I was expected to be there. It was a chance to show I was one of them, willing to work as hard as anyone else. But I knew I did not belong there, branding is no place for a woman in my condition. What happened to Yamka is a perfect example of why.

So I suppose I have no one to blame but myself for what happened later. I couldn’t stay away long, I was still feeling like all my happy was about to go from hot simmer to boiling over in the blink of an eye. I had to share myself with people. I suppose that sounds funny but it is the simplest way to describe how I was feeling. I needed to share my shiny feelings with every single person I met and leave my finger print on their smiles.

I may be the corniest pregnant woman there ever was.

I found Mezoo there and Ayguili, and I immediately set about making tea and sitting beside Mezoo. I have not seen her lately though we have exchanged waves and glances. There is something she wishes to tell me, I can tell, there is a promise of it in her gaze. I am pretty sure she sees the same promise in my own. While I was not ready tonight to spill my secret I hoped she was ready to spill hers.

Cana and Tarra arrived soon after and I wanted to tell Cana about Tug’s visit but that seemed too delicate a thing to bring up before others, even if they were friends. I wanted privacy when I told her about my conversation with her oldest son.

Right about then is when my shiny happy bubble got trampled all to hell.

“Are you losing weight, Asria?” Mezoo asked.

“No, are you? You look thin, I will bring you some cake later, it’s got some citrus in it..” Or something of the sort, I know I offered to feed her.

“Are you feeling all right Asria?” Cana next.

“Your clothes are too big, Woman.” That was Ayguili. Et tu, Brute’?

I like to think I am a calm woman, I am rarely inspired to anger but anger is only one emotion. I am easily stirred up and I felt cornered, even a little threatened. I wanted to protect my secret still. But I could feel too many eyes on me. Tarra said the least but stared the most. My skin felt alive with their gazes. Ayguili demanded Cana see that I have better clothing and I, too quickly and too rashly, said no. It was for Fonce to see that I had what I needed, that he was responsible for me.

Did you hear what I said? I said Fonce was responsible. Cana, immediately got up and left and I think Tarra was beginning to stew. I considered going after her, to see what the matter was but it was late and Magda can get a little.. strange at night. She is not well known in her clan but she is a haurspex and while I respect her and trust her.. she scares me half to death. I do not like when she starts teaching my daughter words I do not understand and songs I do not know. So I did not follow Cana, or say anything else. I left instead, in a hurry, anxious and unnerved. I had not told anyone about the baby yet but I think they were figuring it out. Especially Cana who has come to know me so well and Mezoo who is more.. tuned in then most.

I am running out of time.

Of Fathers.. and loss

If little girls are the promise of the future then little boys are the protectors of such. I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on what it means to me to be a year keeper. Not what it meant to Trayu, or what it means to Tayran. I am not focused on what Fonce thinks I should be or what my elders expect of me. I would have no answer yet if the Ubar asked me to explain myself to him.

I am Asria, widow of Trayu, mother to Lei, keeper of a wonderful secret.. but a year keeper? I think I prefer to paint the memories rather then memorize the years. I have no idea what Tayran will say when I try to explain this to him. I hope he will have some understanding. I am a caretaker. For children, for the fire, for the stream and for the memories.

My mind was a whirl of all this when Tug arrived. He looked solemn and perhaps even slightly bothered to be here. I could understand. He likely wanted to be home helping his own family, why should he be helping me? A perfect stranger who already had a guardian. Also came with him, quiet and happy. He smiled for me and I let him and Lei get into some of my charcoal bits and scraps of paper that had been torn from books in a recent raid.

I wasted little time before I sat down with Tug, just eight years old but so full of questions. It was electric, his need to know, to do. I showed him the leather straps, dry and cracked, that I needed worked over and oiled. I showed him a pile of rope I needed mended. Simple tasks that took a strong hand but not a strong mind. I wanted to gather up his attention for myself, coax a conversation from his heart.

And I did.

The conversation Tug and I had was very private, very personal.. too personal to repeat even now. This morning I met a boy but by the time he would leave me he would be a little bit more a man that before. I take no credit for this, it was all his own. He simply had to look inside of himself and see the glimmers. The glimmers of a father he never knew.

"When you think of him, what do you see?"

"I see hands, strong hands."

"When you think of him, what do you hear?"

"I hear laughter, my mothers laughter."

I smiled. He smiled too.

Children are sometimes so much wiser then we give them credit for. We talked more, long past lunchtime, nearly past supper. Also and Lei had to find their meal at Magdas fires for Tug and I did not hunger for food. Eventually though I heard Cana calling for them and I rose, my body was stiff from the sitting and the work. Tug jumped up, his ears pinkened. He was likely, I thought, to be embarrassed by how open he had been about his father. I had not needed to prod him very hard. I think he may have been a little anxious to discuss these things with someone outside of his family.

There was so much on those boys’ shoulders that I was inspired by his ability to stand so tall. I had heard him express his desire to care for his family and I reminded him that, like Fonce cares me Lei and I, Ayguili will care for his mother and him. He only shook his head, he knew but it did not matter, it was time to take his place as the man of the family and I think.. I think I understood.

Tug was losing faith.

How hard it was for him to lose not only his father but then every man he came to rely on after that. They all left Tug, left him to try and be strong and proud. I hugged him, probably to his dismay, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. He was such a child.. and such a man. I am not sure I am good enough to be given such a task as great as painting him a memory. I do not know if I am.. magical enough.

After he and also left and I got Lei settled down to sleep .. I turned back to my stretched leather and my paints.

I worked until the harriga was nearly silent and then.. I worked a little longer.

The one where we meet a slave

I have been waiting for days to find out just what it is Fonce thinks I have done. Some of the shiny has worn off my happy. It was still there but not as glaring now, my joy is simmering but I am pretty sure bubbles of happy can still roll to the surface.

The other night I went to Fonce's wagons. I figured at the very least I could speak with Catch about helping me out. I have been exceedingly picky about slaves and I really do not know why. I think it has a lot to do with Lei. Every time a slave leans over and speaks to Lei like she is retarded I take my daughters hand and move on. She does not need her intelligence insulted on a daily basis. I do not understand the childish way so many collared behave but I have never been a collared woman. I suppose it is tied into how helpless and dependant they must become, like children.

Anyhow, I went to Fonce's wagons and found a red headed woman there.. She was quite unlike Catch had been, eager to meet people and quick to smile. This woman was miserable, but then she is chained to a wagon. I spoke to her briefly but it was easy to see it would be a useless endeavor on my part. Catch offered me a delicious meal and a seat once she finished feeding the chained woman. I tried again to speak to her but she is not fit for conversation yet. Just ask Cana! The Ubara came by, and I have a funny feeling she was looking for me, and the next thing I knew the chained woman was calling us soft and weak and Cana was about to shave the girls head. This is not an uncommon occurrence on the plains.. there is good reason Fonce keeps Catch away from the main fires. I had a feeling it would be a very long time before we saw this chained women there.

I asked Catch about checking in on me and Lei, just to poke around and see what was needed. She was pleased with the idea and I hope she realized the trust being placed in her. There was not another slave in camp I would want near my things. After I ate I hurried back to my wagon. I was finding myself more and more tired and, I admit, I was eager to avoid the questions I saw in Canas eyes.

Oooooo You're in trouble!

I had been to Fonce's supply wagons yesterday afternoon, probably around the same time Lei was telling Fonce what a whore I was being.

-smirk-

I was hoping to find another singing bowl, the sound of them was soothing and reminded me of my dreams of Trayu. There had been more lately, many more. I was dreaming memories. Anyway, I never found another singing bowl but I did find fat plump dried dates. I loved dates cooked in a little honey with some slivered nuts and a splash of Turian wine. The sweetness of the dish could make your teeth ache but it was like bliss on your tongue. I found nuts and then raided Magdas wagon for some cheese curds to cut the sweetness a bit. I wasn't craving the dish or anything. I just wanted it really badly. Right this minute, in a get out my way kind of way. That's all.

So there I was, cooking my dates with honey and letting the alcohol in the wine cook off when Lei returned form her play date with Also. We are lucky on the plains to be able to let our children, even so young, run rather wild.

"Tal Mother." She spoke, she had a sing song tone of voice and I arched an amused brow.

"Tal, Lei. Ubara of the Universe."

She gave me one of those looks of hers, the one that made me wonder where her soul came from and where it was going and just how much did she know about me and what was inside of my head?

"I went to see Fonce." She clasped her hands smartly in front of her.

"And how is he?" I asked with a smile. I was pleased that she liked Fonce, as the years passed she would need a man to look out for her and speak for her. The way Lei was going she would need him to tell her when to shut up too. I picked up the heavy pan and began to pour the thick mixture into a glazed bowl.

"He is very angry." She walked closer, eager for a portion of the dessert.

"Angry about what?" You might not believe me but I had rarely seen Fonce angry or even upset. I think I got to see a softer more family like side of him then he showed to most. This was the idea I had anyway.

"Angry about you Mama, he is going to spank you." She looked settled her small fists on her hips. "I think you should spank him first."

I nearly dropped my pan! Surely I had heard her wrong? "Fonce said he wants to spank me?"

"Yes!"

"Are you sure he did not mean you?"

"No, I am not making babies."

The sound that the pan made.. as it smashed into the pottery bowl was heard for at least a full two rows! My rather delicious desert stained my skirt and my boots and I'd smell like honey for days. Lei laughed and I suppose, later, it was a little funny.. the mess I had made, the look on my face.

"Fucking hell." I swore.. Lei's eyes widened as I started picking up the broken bits of pottery. "Lei, explain to me exactly what happened." My face was pink, my ears burned from the dirty taste of words in my mouth. But Lei was upset that I had said such an awful word and stomped her foot before running off to the stream. I was too tangled up inside to chase after her. Somehow in all my happiness the last two days I had managed to piss off the two most important people in my world.

"Fuck." I said it again. It felt awfully good too. I had a feeling I would be saying it a few more times.. I needed to go find Fonce.

Hope

This morning I was born again and a light shines on my soul

This morning I was born again, I was born again complete
I stood up above my troubles and I stand on my two feet
My hand it feels unlimited, my body feels like the sky
I feel at home in the universe where yonder planets fly

This morning I was born again, my past is dead and gone
This great eternal moment is my great eternal dawn
Each drop of blood within me, each breath of life I breathe
Is united with these mountains and the mountains with the seas

I feel the sun upon me, it’s rays crawl through my skin
I breathe the life of Jesus and old John Henry in
I give myself, my heart, my soul to give some friend a hand
This morning I was born again, I am in the promised land

This morning I was born again and a light shines on my land
I no longer look for heaven in your deathly distant land
I do not want your pearly gates don’t want your streets of gold
And I do not want your mansion for my heart is never cold.
-Woody Guthrie

I have not yet shared my secret though I tested the waters with Fonce and Cana. I am hopeful after speaking with them. Fonce offered his help to the strange woman who I told them about and he does not even know her so I should think he will be three times as eager to see that I have all I need. He also allowed me to borrow Catch here and there if I need her and I do, none of the slaves I have spoken with have seemed likely to suit Lei and I. They speak to Lei like she is an infant and neither of us likes that much.

Cana was just as I hoped she would be, eager to help and see to the womans comfort. I wonder if people realize how lucky they are to be able to count on her as a friend. I have been related to people who would be less helpful then Cana has been to me or would be to a stranger. She always sets aside her own heart to hold the hearts of others.

I have not even told Lei but I really do think she already knows. I want to tell everyone at the top of my voice but at the same time I don’t want to tell anyone. I am not so eager to let loose my secret and how close it makes me feel to Trayu. Nature will not let me keep my secret very long though.. Already there are physical changes, noticeable ones. Not like with Lei where no one could tell nearly till the end. The second time around my body seems to know what to get ready for. It is amazing and... embarrassing.

I have not seen Serge in over a hand now, he has not come by when I am cooking and I wonder whose fire he is frequenting now. I am pleased not to see him honestly; I hope he has found someone else to pressure in that quiet way. Sometimes the things that are left unsaid weight the most. I was not eager to tell him about what’s happened. Speaking of which.. I am not eager to tell Fonce now that I think about it. Perhaps he will not be all that eager to take care of me, perhaps he will simply be all the more eager.. to ... to pawn me off to the first willing man. I had not thought of that and suddenly.. I feel hot behind my eyes and under my skin.

I will have to take comfort in that perhaps.. There will not be any willing man. Who would want me like this?

Nobody sane.

Guess What?! Guess What?!

Have you ever had a secret? One you did not know what to do with, one you did not know who or how to share. Have you ever had a secret that was beautiful and terrible all at the same time? Have you ever held something like that inside of your heart and let it grow there, live there.. and keep you warm?

I have.

I do.

I think I knew first right after my accident with Silver, when Leis fever broke, right around then I began to notice things changing. I changed. Lei has noticed it too but, she has not said anything. The way she looks at me is different, it is a little accusing and I think I understand.

It is nearly impossible to explain how I feel with mere words. My vocabulary is simply not large enough to express what is going on inside of me. When I walk I feel different. I feel fragile and strong, I feel more connected to the earth beneath me. I feel more connected to the sky, like a fine filament thread is running from the core of the planet up though the ground and then up along my spine and out the top of my head to disappear above me into the sky. If I stop and close my eyes... I can imagine my breath traveling along that thread.. giving me life, creating life.. being life.

I have never felt so alive.

When I touch things they hum under my fingers, they seem electric and jumpy. Velvet feels hot to my skin, silk feels cooling.. but it feels in a way it never has before, more intensely then before and I can't help but wonder if the things I touch.. a spoon, a boot, the hem of my skirt.. are they alive too? Are they alive but just dancing too far out of my peripheral vision to be seen? My wagon feels alive and when I touch it I think I can feel the hands of everyone who has helped us though the move, though our loss. I feel their hands on my heart. If I close my eyes I can see their gentle smiles.. and even the smirks.

I want to run in the stream today and feel the water kiss my ankles, soak my skirt. I want to lay in the grass today and breathe in the scent of it. I want to fly today, just out of reach, above everyone’s notice.. I want to kiss you today, Trayu. I want to see you walking back to the wagon.. dirty and dusty and stinking of sweat. I want to run to you and know your dirty hands will stain my white tunic. I want your dirty face to brighten with laughter when I throw my arms around your neck and nearly climb up onto you. I want to feel your strong arms around my waist, holding me too tightly. I want to see you roll your eyes and grin when I say "guess what?!" a hundred times... and I want to see your tears when I tell you that after 4 years of trying... it finally happened.

"You’re going to be a father, Trayu."

Painting a Memory

I have a list of names.

Cana
Fonce
The grumpy man that would not let me in to see Cana several days ago
Silken
Tarra
Tug

I have a strip of leather, about the length of my arm but only half as high. I have already stretched it over wood to keep it taught while I work and I gave it a base coat of soft pink color. I know, pink is odd, this is after all, a gift for a boy. The pink will not be seen when I am finished but will lend warmth to my rendition. I want the boy to feel warm when he unrolls this, as I know he will, late at night, when he is alone.

I want to give him a piece of his father.

I have never met the man and I have only glimpsed his first son, the one they call tug. I have never seen him smile though. I suppose that is my goal then, to make the boy smile. I know this is a task Ba'atar has given me and that is how I should view it but.. I don't. This is a gift for a First Son. For a boy who should know his father. In a way, though Lei will never see this, it is for her too.

"I am going to see how Fonce is doing with his wagon wheel repair." Lei told me casually, as if this was perfectly normal. My little warrior princess.

"I am sure he will be pleased to see you." I grinned at her. She nodded smugly and left me in peace. I listened to her leaving our space and singing some little ditty about apricots and Ubaras. When she was gone I turned back to my pink canvas. I still needed to speak to all of those people and lastly to Tug. It was the boy’s memory I wanted to capture best. I suppose I am a little bit of an odd year keeper. I do not enjoy the beaded calendars that are most common. I prefer the stories we tell and I prefer to paint the memories. I do not think anyone knows this about me yet, I am somewhat ashamed of my lack of clan skill. I worry that it will not be found useful.

There is a lot riding on my piece, on my gift of memory for Tug. Still I can only see this as a gift for him. I do not want to create something to impress the Ubar or even Cana.. I want to make the child smile. I want to give him something to pull out and look at when he feels alone.

I want to give him a piece of his Father.

The first thing I will paint.. are the hands. Taycos hands.

What will I do differently?

I do not like feeling so.. unguided. I miss, I miss it so badly, being able to go to Trayu and tell him my problem, hear his advice and know what to do. I have to be honest that I have rarely had to make decisions for myself. I was.. complacent before. I always knew Trayu would know what was best, would tell me what I should do. Now I have a problem, I need to talk to someone and yet I have no idea who to turn too. I do not think I can go to Fonce with this one and I already know how most people feel about what's bothering me.

When I went to Fonce's Wagon this afternoon I found Seveya there. She was discussing what had happened last night and at first I was on her side, I knew how hard it was to be searching for your place, I knew what it was to be alone. Quickly though I began to feel rather irritated. Seveya.. was not being honest. She was being misleading. I was there for the whole thing and I knew perfectly well that the Artist was being a little difficult, she invited what she got. So to turn around and act like she was being picked on seemed unfair to me. Really unfair. I cannot help but feel that Seveya is demanding that others see her point of view while at the same time she refuses to see theirs. She shuts thier ideas down and places hers on top. And her ideas, her contributions, are actually valid but she shadows them by being the very thing she says everyone else is.. close minded.

I will not avoid her, though I'd like too, because I don't think that would be very fair either. I did not shout, or yell or say anything cruel to the artist, I only told her what I saw. As I left her though I could see it in her face.. she was offended. I think she likes to be offended.

I am growing rather terrified of when it will be my turn because in a lot of things I feel the same as Seveya, I did not disagree with most of the things she said last night.. only with how she said them and how she repeated them today. It is normal though to paint oneself in a better light to others though, isn't it? Can I really say I would not have done the same? In her shoes what, if anything, would I do differently?

What will I do differently?

A raincloud in my pocket

Lei and I rejoined the fires well after supper last night. I wished we could have eaten with everyone else but I still had loads of meat of my own, that Tabuk of Fonces to finish up and I think Lei needs lots of down time right now. She and I returned to find the fires full of women. It would prove to be an interesting night.

I had apparently missed some kind of argument which suited me just fine. I do not argue much, I try not to step into other peoples business. As Lei and I sat the conversation went suddenly to grilling Seveya about.. Skies I am not even sure what that was all about.. Someone asked about killing Tuchuck's and Tarra seemed to be on edge. I stayed kind of quiet because I have to admit I was growing frustrated at Seveyas inability to see thier point and, honestly, thier refusal to see Seveyas point.

No one was having the same conversation.

I tried to tell Seveya about her smiles but that I did not think Ayguili would find that answer very charming. I even tried to help explain to Tarra and the others about individuality. I do not think they understand what the artist means by individuality. It doesn't mean separate at all, a person can be part of a whole and still thier own. Imagine how dull the plains would be if we were all the very same! In the end I still do not think Seveya understood them, nor they her.. She is going to have a very rough and lonely road ahead of her. I think perhaps Seveya forgets that really.. we are all painters, we do not ask the artisans to paint our wagons, we do it ourselves. We are all painters. Therefore a simple painter, with new ideas or not, is not a simple contribution. Seveya needs to see that she is so much more then that and then show them.

The more I think about that... the less I want to have this same conversation with me on the hot seat. If anyone asked me today what I brought to the first fires I would have little of value to say. I bring my smile? I bring herbal tea? I bring a heavy heart and a fatherless child and a kailli that wants to kick my ass and a little girl with more sense then most grown men. Useful? I do not know, not yet.

Finally something distracted everyone and the conversation changed.. but it only went from bad to worse. Seveya wanted to know how I got Fonce to talk to me. Fonce spends a good deal of time around me but not because he enjoys my company, which he does I think, but more because it is his duty. Seveya pressed me and I enlisted Cana's help. I know Fonce well, but Cana knows him best. All I really had to tell Seveya was that she ought to be more up front with him. When you want to tell Fonce something you just say it. He does not like to play games, he does not chase women because they demand it. In fact if Fonce is chasing a woman.. she is probably running for her life.

Cana then said that Seveya had been acting Coy with Fonce and that likely upset him. I have to agree really, though I did not say so. I get the idea that Seveya has designs on Fonce and I don't really like it. It makes me very uncomfortable! I am a little possessive over him right now. I need him. And anyway.. Cana had a point, no matter how much Seveya denied it she was playing word games with the warrior.

I did tell her that Fonce was so busy right now.. he had his own wagons, his own slaves, then my wagon, then Oren's, Astar, Mezoo.. the boys and even Silken. Fonce was looking after us all, it was a wonder he had time to eat, let alone sit and chat at the fires. If he left suddenly, it was likely because of that. Ealier I had thought it was I, maybe, who sent him away but now..

My head hurts this morning.

Poor Fonce. I mean that too.. Seveya is going to try and speak to him alone to explain herself, Silken is having a life crisis, he just took his position back and is assisting the new Ubar and now here I was.. standing at the fringes of his chaos because I needed to know something.

How am I useful?

Simplicity:Duplicity?

I was so pleased to be out again. Sitting among my friends, with the tribe and at the first fires. I admit that I had been lax in my duties since we reached the southern grounds. I had left it for Fonce to secure the wagon and handle all the dirty work, literally. I do not think he minds much, it is just part of his day I suppose. I still have found no real way to show my appreciation. Without him I would not be able to attend to my daughter as much as I have.

This afternoon when I made my way back to the fires I sat beside Fonce, I normally do sit beside him, or walk with him. He is, to put it bluntly, my security blanket. He is the man in my life right now, my guardian and in effect, my daughters guardian. He is my family. So I sat beside him. It is how I mentally hold his hand. Sitting beside him has the same effect on me as his hand on the small of my back would. It gently pushes me forward.. even when I do not wish to go forward.

Today though when I sat beside him.. Seveya immediately got up and walked away. I suppose if she had continued to joke and talk I would have thought little of it but she did not. In fact she stopped speaking all together and looked at me in a strange way a few times. Then Fonce left, he left suddenly as he always does. In a hurry to return to some forgotten task. Perhaps he had forgotten to oil a strap, feed a Kaiila, tend to a slave.. a thousand things could pull a man away so quickly but.. now I had to wonder.

Was it me?

Shortly after Seveya left just as suddenly but with much less cheer then she had before. I do not know what could pull away an artisan away so suddenly. But I felt the tension left behind. Next it was my turn and I rose less swiftly then the others. I paused to hug Cana and make sure to smile at Tarra before I returned to make sure my daughter ate a small meal. But all I can think about now..

Was it me?

Did my choice of seat first drive Seveya away from Fonce and then Fonce away from us all? Then Seveya too? I did not like the way that felt. Not one little bit. I was not well versed in the laws of attraction or jealousies. There had always only been Trayu.. who knew how to sooth any jealousy I ever felt with small kisses behind my ear. Skies.. I miss you Trayu, I miss the simplicity of our lives.

I do not yet know if I will speak to Fonce about this. Perhaps I should. I should make sure I am not standing in the way of what he wants. I do not know Seveya well enough to bring it up to her. I wouldn't know what to say to her anyway. She is my friend though and I hope I have done nothing to hurt her. I hate feeling like she does not like me. I've never really been disliked by anyone but Rosalita and she counts for little.

I nearly burned the Tabuk I was roasting for Lei and myself. My thoughts were filling up too much of my head. I sighed and picked off a small sliver of greasy meat. I blew softly on it before placing it in my mouth. Lei stepped out of the wagon and joined me by the early fire with her green painted bowl. I looked down at her and smiled.

If only everything could be as simple as roasting a bit of meat over a fire.

I was.. wild. Or reckless?

I waited until we reached the southern plains but tonight I would wait no more. I had to do this, I had to prove it to myself, to Trayu.. and even a little bit to Fonce. I do not want to be seen as helpless, not completely. I know I need help, I know I cannot do everything on my own but.. I also know that I should always be ready to do it all on my own. Because nothing in this world is promised to us.

Once Lei was sleeping, her cheeks still pale but her strength slowly coming back, I left her tucked safely into the furs. I was quiet as I stepped down into the dust. I did not want to disturb Oren or Mezoos family. Silver seemed to sense what was going on and watched me warily as I neared. “Shh. It is only me, you great brute, Only me.” I spoke to him softly but his gaze never softened.. I was the enemy, and he was still waiting for Trayu. What a poor substitution I was!

He let me climb into the saddle once I secured it and he had the sense to remain nearly silent. He seemed, honestly, to understand what we were about to do. Only the sound of his great clawed feet were heard as we slipped past the wagons. I held my breath as we passed Fonces wagon. I did not really think Fonce would actually stop me but I knew he cared enough to follow me. Maybe cared was too strong a word.. perhaps I should say he would be amused enough to want to watch. The idea made me chuckle and relaxed my shoulders as we neared the stream.

And suddenly Silver was running. I was not ready and threw myself forward, clutching the reigns and swearing at him. He only ran faster, ignoring my commands not matter how loud I shouted them. He was being a horrible hateful beast. We tore past the stream, his great feet sent up splashes of water so big that they soaked the leather pants I wore, shrinking the material to my body.

“Silver!” I screeched.. I admit it, I screeched like a little girl. I felt like a little girl. We rode hard, past the outriders as they shouted at me to stop and gave chase immediately. I was glad, in the moment that they might stop Silver but as a spear flew past us to the right I was much less glad.. “Silver!” I shouted into the wind, my braid was dancing wildly behind me and suddenly.. he stopped. That damned animal did it on purpose.. he threw me over his head, taking care to dip his head down to give me plenty of room to sail over him and land on my back in the grass. The breath left my lungs and everything went black.. I saw stars that grew rapidly and turned my vision pure white.

Thats the last thing I remember until some time later.. a man was carrying me, speaking to thew others. “She is the woman of Trayu and belongs to Fonce the Warrior.” He was telling the others. I did not recognize him but then.. his edges were all fuzzy. I wanted to tell him, and tell him loudly, that I did not belong to anyone but I was too tired to speak, too tired to argue and my head was exploding every time I breathed in. I could feel blood in my hair and groaned. “She is awake!” The man who carried me said happily. I felt something wet and soft on my cheek and forced my eyes open...and then.. I nearly died.

Silver was licking me. He ran his fat tongue over my cheek and then nuzzled my shoulder. The man laughed and rubbed Silver behind his ear. I could have sworn I heard Trayu laughing in the sky and I smiled, letting my eyes close again.

Fonce could be mad, Magda could shout, the healers could tell me I was foolish.. it would all be worth it. I had gotten though to Silver, hadn't I? I thought so. The beast continued to lick at me (though maybe he was just enjoying the taste of my blood) as the rider carried me back on his own saddle. I slipped in and out of consciousness all the way back but .. I was happy.

And I knew I would do it all again.

Liquid Sun

Lei had kept her fever at bay for a full day and night now, though I still kept her close to me and we did not leave the wagon last night. Things still felt too fragile. I worried a strong wind would come and, laughing at us, blow her health away from me. Magda stayed with us, going on and on about the Skies and calling Lei a favored daughter. Normally I did not like the old Spex to talk that way about my family. It made me uncomfortable that things I knew so little of, things that scared me so much.. could know me, know my daughter. I preferred to think that Lei and I were too small, too insignificant to catch the wide eye of the spirit world.

But tonight.. I let Magda speak of her spirits, her colored pebbles, and her premonitions. Tonight I only smiled. The Healers would have agreed with Magda.. Lei was favored. How else could she have made such a sudden recovery form what had seemed a certain.. death? No one said that though, no one said my daughter nearly died. I am not an intimidating woman but this time.. no one had the nerve to tell me those things.

I fed her Canas broth and she drank Canas juice. We roasted the tabuk Fonce had left us and I encouraged her to nibble on the sweet meats. "You need your strength." I told her. "Also has asked after you, there are children waiting to play with you." she smiled a little and I showed her all the pretty things she had been given.. Alsos Flowers and the pretty golden bowls from the artisan. She had been on my mind a little; I had heard she had been asked about her usefullness. I did not like that sort of question, it feels strangely personal. Her answer did not suit the new Ubar and I suppose I can understand that. He wanted to hear what she could do that was tangible. I sighed and ran my finger over the rim of the first gold bowl. It glowed and brightened the side wall of the wagon. Lei smiled and I smiled and I realized.. that was what the artisan brought to the first fires.

Smiles.

Sunrise

"And of course it is different; as different as the real thing is from a shadow or as waking life is from a dream" -Lord Diggory, the Last Battle

I knew they were coming. I did not hear the healers as much as I felt them, as if my reality had become like a dream. Everything was too soft; the edges of the world had gone fuzzy. I sat up slowly, groggy. My eyes felt all squinty from such irregular sleep. Beside me, my daughter lay still, her breath was thready and her face flush.

They were coming to tell me something I did not want to hear.

I felt so helpless as I sat there, waiting. I wanted to run away as if I could hide from what I knew they wanted to tell me. There was nothing left for them to do for her but.. wait. I could hear their feet now, in the dirt. They seemed to be stampeding in slow motion and the sound was filling up my head. My ribs felt small, constricting my breath and I suddenly realized I was crying. Not just crying but sobbing in such great heaves that I could not catch a hold of a decent breath. I reached for her, my little girl and pulled her onto my lap. She barely stirred. Sleeping deeper then she had in over a week now. Her breath was thin, yes.. but steady. The eldest of the healers was stepping inside now and I scooted backwards as if I could ward him and his stern expression away. He looked grim.. and resolute.

No..

I pulled Lei closer to me; I shut my eyes and pressed my damp cheek to my only child’s forehead. She was all I had left in the world. All I had left of Trayu, of love. She was everything that was good and right in the world. I kept my cheek to her forehead, rocking slowly...

"Asria.. Listen to me." Spoke the healer.

But I refused; I would not open my eyes. How childish I was behaving.. how frightened I was! So frightened that when I realized what was different I almost did not believe it. My cheek was not hot; it was not even warm as it pressed to Leis forehead. I lifted my head as the man knelt beside us. His expression mirrored my own.. surprise and then slowly.. Relief.

"Mama.." The sweetest sound I had ever heard.

The fever had broken.

It was late last night that I stepped outside for a stretch and heard the whispers and the laughter. I did not make my way to the first fires, I was loath to stray to far from Lei right now but I stopped a blonde woman with a chest so large you could have used them as side tables.

"What is going on?"

She smiled happily. "The leather worker Yamka is of the First Wagons." She hurried off and I realized then that Aygulli must have become Ubar in Ba'atars absence.. Which meant he would be gone longer then I had thought. Oh, Cana!

I was so pleased for Yamka, I knew how badly she had wanted this and how hard she had worked for it. I hoped to see her very soon and tell her as much. Still, it would have to wait. I hoped she had not been shy about how happy she was when they told her. Yamka of the First Wagons had made my daughters magic boots. I was proud to know her.

It was only my worry for Cana that was dragging me down a little. I hoped Ayguilli would be as good to her as Fonce was to Lei and I. I hoped she felt as cared for and protected as I did. I wondered if I should say something to the new Ubar.. Congratulations? Or my condolences? Oh, sigh. I hope he will be a good Ubar, fair and just and swift. I hope his shoulders will not sag beneath the pressure of it all.

I heard Lei stirring, whimpering inside the wagon and I shook my head to clear it off lingering thoughts. I had something that took precedence over all else, to deal with.. Leis fever had not broken; the healer who had been seeing to her was growing increasingly worried and was to have a council with the elders of her clan in the morning. I hurried back to Leis side and began to blot her face with the cool cloths once again. I hoped she did not see the tears in my eyes.

I could not stand to lose her as well.

For the Soul

Magda woke me late in the afternoon. I had been keeping funny hours while I cared for my daughter, sleeping only when she found rest. I trusted that between Fonce and Magda all the 'things' that needed to get done would be seen too.

"The Ubara came to see you." Magda's voice was raspy, as if she had spent a lifetime smoking something strong and thick. She cleared her throat a lot and tonight her leathery cheeks were round with her smile. I sat up carefully, Lei barely stirred beside me and I could not help but return Magdas smile as I lifted my hand to try and smooth back my hair from my face. I knew I looked a fright.

"Did she seem well?" I asked quickly. I had heard the Ubar had left but the details were fuzzy. The detials did not matter though, what would matter was that Cana, my friend was alone now. I was concerned for her and her smile. A woman's smile is very important.

"She had the boy with her." Magda chose not to answer me which was all the answer I needed. I could picture Cana's forced smile, an empty glaze of loneliness behind the sheen. I sighed and wished I had been awake to receive her. "She brought you a basket. And the flowers, from the boy." Magda continued.

I admit, I like to be thought of. Doesn't everyone? It warmed my heart to know Cana thought of us right now, my own smile flourished as I quickly opened the basket. I pushed back the fur and revealed my slender, toned thighs, dark with color and shamelessly exposed under the brown tunic I slept in. Magda swatted my thigh and called me a name too smutty to repeat. I laughed though. "Modesty in my own home is as impractical as immodesty among the fires. You should try it Magda, shimmy your skirt right off your hips and .." I did not get to finish as Magda swatted me again, her faded cheeks had gone pink but she was smiling.

I opened the basket and exclaimed as I found the broth, it was still warm, along with the little empanadas and honey cakes and tea! "Oh bless that woman." I sighed and Magda smiled as she helped me unpack the items. Around them Lei stirred and tried to sit up, but she was too weak and tired, her face still flush with her fever. I have to admit I am getting scared.. How long can a child have so much heat before they just burn up into ash? Fevers could take away a childs site, or their speech.. I had heard healers in the walled city could fix such things but what did that matter to me? I pulled a cool cloth from a stone jar of clean water and laid it on her forehead. "Shh, don’t speak." I wanted her to save her energy. Magda joined us with the small pot of flowers and set them beside Lei.. my daughter seemed to light up a little. "Also." She said. It would be several days before I realized I had never told her who gave them to her, she just knew. They sat beside the cocoon in a it's glass jar.. My daughter’s private garden.

She just knew.

That Bitch

Rosalita. Even her name sounds wrong to me. She is from Turia but claims to be of Tuchuck birth. I have never been the sort of woman to shun outsiders too quickly, if at all, but Rosalita was different. Perhaps it was because it was Trayu who brought her here. Perhaps it was the way she sat in his saddle with her shapely arms around his neck. Perhaps it was how quickly he comforted her when she was unable to find her 'long lost' father among our people. Perhaps.. it was how often she spoke to him, how quick she was to judge me, how harshly she spoke to my daughter and how rarely Trayu said anything about it. Perhaps it was how beautiful she was, how much she glittered in ways I was sure I never could. She was, in a word, sexy.

She was taken in by a family of potters but quickly found herself more comfortable working with cloth. She makes lovely dresses for the women, not as colorful as I would like but still lovely. Rosalita finds bright colors and lights disturbing, she prefers dark colors, dark spaces. Trayu once joked that I was his light, his central fire.. but that Rosalita was his night time. Rosalita giggled horribly at the fire to his pleasure. I rose in silence and left them. I wished then that I had done something.. said something. But I never did. Trayu, to my knowledge, never knew how much Rosalitas very presence hurt me.

I wished he would collar her so she could be what she truly was.. and I could have been satisfied knowing she was no longer my equal. Is that terrible of me? I wanted to see her wearing dirty rags and scrubbing a sooty pot.

Since Trayus death she has quickly moved on. She spends her time batting her eyelashes, fantastically thick and full lashes, at Serge now. I see her often, she will come by when he is here. Unlike before I am now sometimes glad for her interference. Serge is pulled in by her even more easily then Trayu was. I can see how much this pleases Rosalita, she enjoys taking things from me I suppose, though I cannot imagine why. She can have Serge.. I know Fonce would be angry with me for that but it might be worth it, it really might.

"I heard the child is ill, perhaps you fed her something bad." That was Rosalitas comment at my fire last night when she twirled by in her black and grey skirts. My hand tightened on the long handled spoon I was using to scrape the cocking pot clean. I did not answer Rosalita but she watched me anyway, waiting for .. Something. I could have flung the char form the pot at her, ruined her pretty face, part of me longed to do it.. to do something that horrible and burn her. It would be the easiest thing I'd ever done.

I inhaled deeply and held it a moment, grounding myself before I let my breath go and looked up again at her. She laughed at my expression and continued on her way. I watched her go.. hating her, hating all the feelings she inspired in me.. and mostly hating the side of Trayu she forced me to recall.

The part that wanted the opposite of me.

Glisten for me

It's just as dirty as it sounds.

Feverish

Leis point of view

I wish my mother would stop running her finger along my nose, it tickles and my hands feel too heavy to push her hand away. Plus it makes me feel super sleepy. My eyelashes are heavy too, like they got dipped into the stream and little rocks got stuck between them. I cannot open my eyes and I want too! I whimper, I can't help it. I can hear my mommy talking to me, or maybe singing and I like that. I can't look at her but I like to know where she is. Her hands are cool on my cheeks and it feels good. My face feels so hot and my body feels so cold. I shiver and she pulls me closer to her. I would smile if my lips didn’t feel sewed shut. Eventually I fall asleep and I like that the best because when I am sleeping I am not hot and cold all at once and my mommy never stops singing to me inside of my head...

I am sitting on top of the wagon, the wind pulling at my pigtails. My Mother is sitting on the steps with a square of silky pink cloth in her hands, she is painting something on it, or maybe sewing, I can see the needle now going in and out of the fabric like a little wave.. "Is it for me?!" I call down to her but.. She doesn’t hear me, she’s too far away! The wagon grows taller as I sit there and I start to cry, I don’t want to be this high up! Suddenly there is a loud pop and I am falling.. but I am not falling down, I am falling up. I tumble in the sky, with the clouds and I can still see my mommy down there like a tiny ant sewing her pink cloth. 'Is it for me?" I ask again, softly and she hears me, even though I am way far up in the sky..

"Yes." She says and she smiles up at me, her eyes look pink like diamonds. "Everything is for you Lei."

I try to reach for her but I can't.. I am too high again and now the wind is cold and icy. It pulls at my skirt and tears the fabric.. My dress isn’t yellow now it's all black and grey! Oh I hate it! I hate black and I hate grey, I hate shadowy things in my dreams. I scream angrily and feel something snap, like a rope. I look up and realize I am falling down again but I can see my daddy up there! he really is in the sky! I don’t want him there though and I try to climb back up towards him but the more I climb the faster I fall and he smiles at me. My Daddy smiles at me. I am crying now and I can’t stop, I hate to cry! I am not falling anymore, I am back in the wagon with my mother.. and she’s still singing to me. My face feels wet and hot again and I don’t know if I am dreaming now or not.

She sees me crying and pulls me closer. She’s crying too I think, my eyes are still too heavy to open. She stops singing and I hear her taking a drink of something. I hear her sigh.

"Don't cry Lei.." She tells me, her finger on my nose again, running over it from my forehead tot he tip... but I don’t stop crying, not today. Today I just cry all I want too.

Adrift

We crossed the flooded valley some days ago, or yesterday, or maybe this morning. Time has run together for me, like colored wax crayons melted in the hot sun. I hardly know night from day anymore. Lei is not well, not at all. Magda has been with us mostly, but now and then even she must leave us to sleep and it is just as well. There is little anyone can do for her.

Fonce had come by to tell me what was going on and I must have looked perfectly bewildered because he just grunted and took care of the wagon. He asked about Lei and I assured him she would be fine. but I know my face reveals my lies. I am worried about her, about the move, worried about clean clothes and food and water and I worry about Fonce and I worry about me and I worry about Cana and I worry about the cocoon in a glass jar beside my daughters flushed face. Fonce does what he can to take away my worries, between him and Trayus friends and even Serge we were able to cross with the others. I will never be able to thank him enough. What do you give the man who has everything?

Lei slept while we floated and I snuck to the back of the wagon, I wanted to see the water, touch the water.. I wanted to be the water.. Strong enough to carry us all and soft enough to slip though your fingers. Magda fixed a broth like soup for my daughter and as we reached somewhat dry lands again I crawled back inside to sit my daughter up against me, a cool damp cloth was gently pressed to her forehead, another to the back of her neck and I tipped the bowl to her lips as I sang to her softly...

Golden slumber kiss your eyes,
Smiles await you when you rise.
Sleep,
pretty baby,
Do not cry,
And I'll sing you a lullaby.

Care you know not,
Therefore sleep,
While I o'er you watch do keep.
Sleep,
pretty darling,
Do not cry,
And I will sing a lullaby.

Gently I rocked her back to sleep before I joined her there.