Fire. Everywhere. I was sleeping. Lei was with me, curled up a hands reach away, her dark curls so like my own were spilled out on the pale yellow brown furs we slept on. First son was with fitfully sleeping in his basket when it happened.. I woke groggily to the sound of screams and crackling wood.
"Mama?" Lei murmured as she sat up and immediately began to cough, a thin haze of smoke was filling the wagon and I was confused in that space between sleep and wake.. where things do not have names and nothing is really solid.
"Asria!" Magda shouted as she stepped into our tent. "Come, quickly!" She was still shouting and realization was dawning..
Plains fire, wild fire.
"Lei! Get up!" I snapped at her as Magda wrapped up the baby. This moment will live forever in my mind, a snapshot of my choice.
"I will take the baby Magda." I reached for him, everything was tinted orange.
"I have him, Grab Lei and run!" She already had him curled into her arm and he was coughing and screaming, there was no time to argue. I.. obeyed. Because I always fucking obey. I kissed his head and grabbed Lei, yanking her up and dashing for the stream. Water.. I wanted to be in the water.
Magda should have been right behind us but everyone was running.. screaming.. searching.. Lei was sobbing into my shoulder, her face was black with the soot in the air. My own the same.. both our cheeks were streaked with tears. Magda should have been behind us in the crowd..
I set Lei in the water, we both crouched into the cooling safe water that was growing dark with the ash that fell like snow.. red and black snow all around us.. I counted my breaths as I watched for her.. Magda should have been behind us in the crowd with my son.
But she never came. Never came. I knew in my heart long before I found them. Lei was left at the stream, nearly seven now and strong and capable. I ran back to the harriga, to the Ubars wagons, I searched for the old spex and my infant son.. Trayu's son. My heart was pounding, my eyes were too bright in the dirt of my skin. I did not see anyone I knew.. but I found them.. Magda had fallen in between the rows and one, of not two wagons had crushed her. She was too weak and too tired to get back up. I found Trayu's son several feet away where he tried to crawl away.. to the safety under another wagon. He had not been crushed but he had gone unseen under there and breathed in smoke until he could no longer breath at all. I fell to my knees in the blackened grass, uncaring of who would see my grief this time. I had hid it well when Trayu died.. I would not hide it well with the loss of my son. I.. screamed. I held his lifeless tiny body to my chest and I screamed at the sky.
I did not think I would ever stop screaming again.
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