The Year of the Caged Heart

I have so much stuffed inside of my head.. and my heart. I could be sick with all the emotion I am trying to feel all at once. I do not think I am a large enough person to possibly have this much inside of me!

I spoke to Cana, I wish you could have met her, she has quickly become the best girlfriend I could ever have. I told her about Serge, I had to tell someone. She insisted I try harder to pin down Fonce and tell him about what was going on and I agreed, I knew it was the right thing to do. It still took me several days to find him and when I did it was only after a wheel exploded near us and Lei and I both found metal in our skin. I helped Tarra set the drivers broken leg and promised to look after him.. and then I went to speak to Fonce. But it wasn't exactly.. how I hoped it would go. Cana thought he would be angry, because of who it was. I thought he would tell me I didn't have to worry about it. I said there were worse men then Serge and he said there was also better men. I looked up at him, trying to puzzle out what he was really saying. I know there are better men.. but I am a broken woman, I already have a child. There is not exactly a line of great men lining up at my wagon.

He was not angry in the least and he did not tell me not to worry about it. He said he was pleased. Pleased that I am entertaining Serge at fires.?Pleased that I am thinking of taking a mate, or being taken? I don't know why I am surprised, I know my happiness is secondary to what he thinks is best.

When he left, .. I cried. I really do not know what happened I was standing there one moment and the next thing I knew I was crying and angry and Tarra was holding me. I was frustrated with Fonce and how.. distrustful he seemed to be of me. He act's like I am just another one of the many girls and women who are trying to be 'the one' and forgets that I was already the one for somebody. I cannot stand the way it makes me feel to be looked at that way, to be dismissed that way. I wanted to be wrong, I really wanted Tarra and Kaeli to tell me I was wrong but.. they didn't. Tarra did have a good point though. Fonce had good reason to be distrustful of women. I knew what had happened to him in the past and I could see the way he was kind of objectified by the single women of the tribe.I had been amused by it before and teased him more then once. It had not occured to me how careful he must be of women. Every time one smiled at him he had to wonder why. When I smiled at him was he distrustful of me? Did he think that I, too, have hidden motives? He must! Was that why he suddenly seemed so eager to see me entertaining Serge?

How can I trust a man to do what's best for me if his first interest is just keeping me away from him? I tried to talk to him later but .. his attention was quite firmly affixed elsewhere and both times he did not even hear me. I ended up falling back a bit and then even Yamka ran off ahead of me. I have to admit this was a new feeling for me, and a humbling one! It was probably good for me. I wanted to be happy for him but.. that thing he had said, about me being like all the rest, made me wonder if I was. Was part of me attracted to my guardian? And if I was.. how much of that was because of who is and how much would be just because he is the man in my life now?

Later, after I had the cut on my thigh tended too and I saw to the injured driver, I returned to where they were upon the trial but suddenly I felt out of place and .. wrong. I was fine at first, I teased Fonce and tried to help Yamka with a stuck wheel and I laughed but then.. Seveya took the place walking beside him and I felt.. Oh I don't know what I felt! I do not think there is a name for it! I stopped speaking to him and then felt angry that he didn't immediately notice. It was like rational thought took a walk and left me with all kind of crazy. I was not myself, not at all.

Cana arrived then and offered me a ride. I could have kissed her full on the mouth as I climbed up behind her. I felt better having her there. I spent the remainder of the ride watching Fonce and Seveya and everyone else laughing and having fun. I was only dragging that happiness down so I left a little abruptly. I want to pull Cana aside and talk to her before I do anything but how can I burden my friend with my own nonsense when she has so many more important things to think about?

I wish you were here Trayu, I wish you could hold my hand and tell me what to do. I want you to hold me and rock me and tell me it will be ok. Tell me that it's okay to cry and okay to think and okay to want. I am so lost without you. Will I always be this way? Will I always be so lost and alone? Or.. if he makes me become the woman of Serge.. will I just dry up and blow away on the wind? My soul forgotten deep inside of me.

If I was to name this year it be the Year of the Caged Heart.