He's my Pusher

I left Lei with Magda, she is a 'spex as well and a good friend of Leis. I know that's kind of strange for such an old woman to befriend such a little girl but Magda is the one who always says she sees the glimmer in my daughter. I trust her like I trust myself. She was sleeping when I left and wandered over towards Fonces wagon. He looked bored.

I am not sure how the conversation, which started out about as dull as dirty dishwater, turned to me.. and men. There are many things I prefer not to talk about. Trayus death, my family, the ache I feel when I think I may never have more children and.. men. I told him Serge had stopped by, I said it fleetingly, I did not mean for it to become a topic yet, there we were. Me denying that Serge wanted anything more then to see how I was and Fonce implying that some day soon I would have to take a mate. He didn't say soon it just felt.. implied. Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe it is just what is realistic.

He said I have to think about those things now that I am a single woman.I don;t want too think about them, I replied.If you do not then I will have to think about them for you, Asria.I felt all twisted up inside, I still do, when I think about that short exchange of words. All because Serge came by. How can I ever feel what I felt for Trayu with another man?And why do I find myself wondering if perhaps the second time around there would be less sweetness and more.. passion. Is it wrong to want that? Trayu and I were childhood sweethearts, there was rarely an ugly word between us.. but now and then I found myself aching for a little.. fire.

I have been so willing and happy to let Fonce take care of us, it never crept up into my thoughts that I was letting him control so much more then how tight the canvas was on my wagon, or the shine in the reigns of the Kaiila. I was letting him draw pictures of my future.. and my daughters. If I do not one day make a choice or at least let him think I am thinking about it.. He will shine up those reigns too and I could end up the woman of.. of.. someone just horrible. Someone unpleasant and unkind who has half a dozen bratty children of his own and hates my paintings and never kisses me behind my ear.

Thankfully Mezoo came by and we chatted a bit along with Cana and some others. Mezoo said she had a surprise for Lei and Cana and I spoke about her story calendar. Life was normal again for a moment but until I left I knew every second.. that Fonce was standing a few feet behind me and he isn't going to let it drop for very long.