All the spokes of one wheel

I had the chance to talk to Tayran at the fires a few nights ago. I was pleased to see him and I am probably more anxious to begin working with him then I should be. It is because of the wheel of course. Trayu's wheel. It stares at me. It mocks me... it silently feeds the fire of guilt. Sometimes when I think no one will see I run my fingers over the beads, trying to recall what Trayu said about them. I wish I had paid more attention...


'Asria, listen!' Trayu laughed, pulling on my elbow. "I have marked the winter passing, see the bead I used? You can tell what it is for by the snowflake on it.... Asria? Are you listening to me?" He tugged harder on my elbow and I looked back at him, my lips frozen in a smile. I had been watching a friend of ours dancing around the fire imitating an angry woman with a wooden spoon. I kissed Trayu’s cheek and tried to take his hand while pulling away the wrist he held.

"I do not care about the story wheel tonight Trayu, come and dance with me!" I pleaded with him, laughter in my eyes. I was so foolish though to not see what I was doing to him. Trayu took his work more seriously then I did, much more. I was such a disappointment in that way. Disgusted with my laughter he threw my hand from him as if it strung and walked off into the night.

I could have chased after him or called to him but I was hurt too! Anger flickered in my gaze and I turned back to our friends who had grown quiet to watch us. "Trouble in paradise?" Asked Rosalita, a woman who came from Turia to live among us and who was always trying to get Trayu alone. She smirked at me. I blushed hotly and said nothing. Slowly the chatter began again and our spat was set aside.

Trayu never returned that night, or the next.. Three days later, when I was so sick with worry I was ready to run to Oren to ask for help.. he walked back to our fires and wrapped me up in his arms. I hugged him back so hard it must have left bruises, my tears spilled free, turning the blue of his vest a dark black with salt. I was so sorry!

We never spoke of the story wheel again and Trayu never brought up clan around me. He had given up, I suppose. It made my heart heavy. I wish I had known then those we only had days left together.


Speaking with Tayran brought the memory flooding back to me; I did not sleep that night. I was desperate for comfort but I had no one to go to. I was so ashamed of how much I hurt I had caused Trayu and my clan. I was more determined then ever though, to prove myself, to learn all I can. I know it is silly of me and perhaps a bit girlish but I want to make him proud of me, I want him to know I am sorry, I was wrong; I was a selfish, stupid girl. I will be the best Year keeper among my people. I will fill the void he left among us. I hope Tayran is ready for all the questions I have and the amount of attention I will demand.

I still see Rosalita now and then, strutting past my wagon with a knowing smirk on her painted lips. How I wish someone would accidentally trample on her, or sling mud in her face. I know Trayu spent time with her when he was angry with me. But I also know.. in my heart.. that she was never enough, not even for a second.

Because Trayu always came home.