To Meditate

“Meditation is the dissolution of thoughts in Eternal awareness or Pure consciousness without objectification, knowing without thinking, merging finitude in infinity.” -Swami Sivananda

The moons were high when I made my way past the line of wagons and to the streams edge. It was not warm enough for me to step into the flowing water but I longed too. I have always felt a special connection to water. Water, I believe, is the strongest and most enduring element on the planet. Water can not be held back, it cannot be stopped. You may build a damn.. but it will find the crack to seep though. You may bottle it but it will become the bottle. The sun may dry it out but it returns to us as rain. And water nourishes us all. I long to be like water, able to adapt, unable to be defeated.

I sat at the waters edge and settled myself, my eyes closed as I breathed, gently slowing my breath until the events of the day began to dissolve. I let my thoughts slow down, taking each thing as it came, accepting it, giving it a moment of my time and then gently releasing it. My hands were light upon my knees and the single braid I wore fell straight as a pin down my back. I sank quickly into myself. The world melting away around me until I heard only the rush of the water and my own relentless heartbeat.

This was home for me. This was where I felt connected to the world and yet …wonderfully disconnected. I could see more clearly here, this world between dream and reality. I began, slowly, to focus my thoughts on Trayu and my memories of him. The story wheel. I needed to remember the beads and what they meant, what they stood for.

Breath in. Breath out.

Flash.


"Asria!" Trayu ran towards me, I was seventeen and so newly with child we did not know yet. I turned towards his voice and the skies lit up with my smile. He swept me up in his arms and kissed me so hard I heard an old woman click her tongue in disgust of our display. Trayu pulled his head back slightly and tucked a blue flower behind my left ear. "The first bloom of spring." he told me.


A heartbeats moment.

I was holding my breath. The vision popped in my thoughts and my eyes opened. A kaiila thundered by, far to my left. A Tuchuck warrior off to hunt down a slave or a bosk or their own demons. I watched the back of who ever it was and felt tears slide silently down my cheeks.

"Asria!" it was Magda, she arrived beside me, reaching her wrinkled hand down to my arm and trying to pull me up. "She has a fever."

And I ran.

All the spokes of one wheel

I had the chance to talk to Tayran at the fires a few nights ago. I was pleased to see him and I am probably more anxious to begin working with him then I should be. It is because of the wheel of course. Trayu's wheel. It stares at me. It mocks me... it silently feeds the fire of guilt. Sometimes when I think no one will see I run my fingers over the beads, trying to recall what Trayu said about them. I wish I had paid more attention...


'Asria, listen!' Trayu laughed, pulling on my elbow. "I have marked the winter passing, see the bead I used? You can tell what it is for by the snowflake on it.... Asria? Are you listening to me?" He tugged harder on my elbow and I looked back at him, my lips frozen in a smile. I had been watching a friend of ours dancing around the fire imitating an angry woman with a wooden spoon. I kissed Trayu’s cheek and tried to take his hand while pulling away the wrist he held.

"I do not care about the story wheel tonight Trayu, come and dance with me!" I pleaded with him, laughter in my eyes. I was so foolish though to not see what I was doing to him. Trayu took his work more seriously then I did, much more. I was such a disappointment in that way. Disgusted with my laughter he threw my hand from him as if it strung and walked off into the night.

I could have chased after him or called to him but I was hurt too! Anger flickered in my gaze and I turned back to our friends who had grown quiet to watch us. "Trouble in paradise?" Asked Rosalita, a woman who came from Turia to live among us and who was always trying to get Trayu alone. She smirked at me. I blushed hotly and said nothing. Slowly the chatter began again and our spat was set aside.

Trayu never returned that night, or the next.. Three days later, when I was so sick with worry I was ready to run to Oren to ask for help.. he walked back to our fires and wrapped me up in his arms. I hugged him back so hard it must have left bruises, my tears spilled free, turning the blue of his vest a dark black with salt. I was so sorry!

We never spoke of the story wheel again and Trayu never brought up clan around me. He had given up, I suppose. It made my heart heavy. I wish I had known then those we only had days left together.


Speaking with Tayran brought the memory flooding back to me; I did not sleep that night. I was desperate for comfort but I had no one to go to. I was so ashamed of how much I hurt I had caused Trayu and my clan. I was more determined then ever though, to prove myself, to learn all I can. I know it is silly of me and perhaps a bit girlish but I want to make him proud of me, I want him to know I am sorry, I was wrong; I was a selfish, stupid girl. I will be the best Year keeper among my people. I will fill the void he left among us. I hope Tayran is ready for all the questions I have and the amount of attention I will demand.

I still see Rosalita now and then, strutting past my wagon with a knowing smirk on her painted lips. How I wish someone would accidentally trample on her, or sling mud in her face. I know Trayu spent time with her when he was angry with me. But I also know.. in my heart.. that she was never enough, not even for a second.

Because Trayu always came home.

Sisters

A friend is someone we turn to

when our spirits need a lift.

A friend is someone we treasure

for our friendship is a gift.

A friend is someone who fills our lives

with beauty, joy, and grace.

And makes the whole world we live in

a better and happier place.

Jean Kyler McManus

Moving again, the wheels were turning as I sat on the back of the wagon, my feet were dangling over the steps and Lei sat beside me, her skirt yanked over her knees, her little fists trying to covering the ugly bruise on her calf. I was tying a yellow ribbon in her dark hair, a little bow atop her ponytail, when I finished I tugged it a little.

"Did Also like the cake?" Lei shrugged. "He ate it." She swatted my hand away from her hair and I smiled, leaning over to kiss her forehead before she curled up against my side and we watched the wagons behind us, the men riding along side.

"Also is a good boy." Lei suddenly spoke up. "Yes, there are worse boys." I found myself mimicking Fonce but.. Lei did not answer as I had... "But there might not be better boys" She said. Lei was a clever little cookie, I envied the clearness of her thoughts. I hoped she would not lose her easy way of simplifying life as she grew. I thought she might be happier for it.

"His mama is nice too. She doesn't shoo me away." Lei told me and I glanced around to see if I could spot Cana among the riders. her presence tended to bring me a smile. She was like a ray of sunshine muted though a gauzy curtain. Not as shiny bright as strong as she could be, but softer and more gentle. I was sure though that if you yanked away that curtain you would feel the full force of the rays on your face.

I smiled. "Yes, his mama is nice too." I had wondered many times about Cana and how hard her road must be. Women would be distrustful of her, and jealous. Vindictive people would always be waiting for a crack to appear for them to exploit. The idea bothered because Cana might sometimes be too nice to see the harm others were trying to inflict. I genuinely liked Cana, without reservation or motive. And I liked her children, especially Also.. whom Lei had taken a subtle shine too.

"When we stop tonight, should we pay them a visit?" I asked her, looking back down at my daughter with a small soft smile. She grinned, her cheeks turned to apples when she did.

"I'd like that very much."

The Year of the Caged Heart

I have so much stuffed inside of my head.. and my heart. I could be sick with all the emotion I am trying to feel all at once. I do not think I am a large enough person to possibly have this much inside of me!

I spoke to Cana, I wish you could have met her, she has quickly become the best girlfriend I could ever have. I told her about Serge, I had to tell someone. She insisted I try harder to pin down Fonce and tell him about what was going on and I agreed, I knew it was the right thing to do. It still took me several days to find him and when I did it was only after a wheel exploded near us and Lei and I both found metal in our skin. I helped Tarra set the drivers broken leg and promised to look after him.. and then I went to speak to Fonce. But it wasn't exactly.. how I hoped it would go. Cana thought he would be angry, because of who it was. I thought he would tell me I didn't have to worry about it. I said there were worse men then Serge and he said there was also better men. I looked up at him, trying to puzzle out what he was really saying. I know there are better men.. but I am a broken woman, I already have a child. There is not exactly a line of great men lining up at my wagon.

He was not angry in the least and he did not tell me not to worry about it. He said he was pleased. Pleased that I am entertaining Serge at fires.?Pleased that I am thinking of taking a mate, or being taken? I don't know why I am surprised, I know my happiness is secondary to what he thinks is best.

When he left, .. I cried. I really do not know what happened I was standing there one moment and the next thing I knew I was crying and angry and Tarra was holding me. I was frustrated with Fonce and how.. distrustful he seemed to be of me. He act's like I am just another one of the many girls and women who are trying to be 'the one' and forgets that I was already the one for somebody. I cannot stand the way it makes me feel to be looked at that way, to be dismissed that way. I wanted to be wrong, I really wanted Tarra and Kaeli to tell me I was wrong but.. they didn't. Tarra did have a good point though. Fonce had good reason to be distrustful of women. I knew what had happened to him in the past and I could see the way he was kind of objectified by the single women of the tribe.I had been amused by it before and teased him more then once. It had not occured to me how careful he must be of women. Every time one smiled at him he had to wonder why. When I smiled at him was he distrustful of me? Did he think that I, too, have hidden motives? He must! Was that why he suddenly seemed so eager to see me entertaining Serge?

How can I trust a man to do what's best for me if his first interest is just keeping me away from him? I tried to talk to him later but .. his attention was quite firmly affixed elsewhere and both times he did not even hear me. I ended up falling back a bit and then even Yamka ran off ahead of me. I have to admit this was a new feeling for me, and a humbling one! It was probably good for me. I wanted to be happy for him but.. that thing he had said, about me being like all the rest, made me wonder if I was. Was part of me attracted to my guardian? And if I was.. how much of that was because of who is and how much would be just because he is the man in my life now?

Later, after I had the cut on my thigh tended too and I saw to the injured driver, I returned to where they were upon the trial but suddenly I felt out of place and .. wrong. I was fine at first, I teased Fonce and tried to help Yamka with a stuck wheel and I laughed but then.. Seveya took the place walking beside him and I felt.. Oh I don't know what I felt! I do not think there is a name for it! I stopped speaking to him and then felt angry that he didn't immediately notice. It was like rational thought took a walk and left me with all kind of crazy. I was not myself, not at all.

Cana arrived then and offered me a ride. I could have kissed her full on the mouth as I climbed up behind her. I felt better having her there. I spent the remainder of the ride watching Fonce and Seveya and everyone else laughing and having fun. I was only dragging that happiness down so I left a little abruptly. I want to pull Cana aside and talk to her before I do anything but how can I burden my friend with my own nonsense when she has so many more important things to think about?

I wish you were here Trayu, I wish you could hold my hand and tell me what to do. I want you to hold me and rock me and tell me it will be ok. Tell me that it's okay to cry and okay to think and okay to want. I am so lost without you. Will I always be this way? Will I always be so lost and alone? Or.. if he makes me become the woman of Serge.. will I just dry up and blow away on the wind? My soul forgotten deep inside of me.

If I was to name this year it be the Year of the Caged Heart.

Happy Birthday

Today little Lei... you are five summers old. Not winters, or springs... you are summer. I made honey oat cakes while you ran around with your friends and when you came back you shared them with all of the other children. I watched quietly and with a smile. I wanted to memorize the way your yellow dress bounced against your shins as you ran and the way your hair streamed out behind you. When you laughed I was surprised that bells did not ring to join you. I saw you tuck away a cake for Also and I wondered if I did the same thing when I was five for your father. You did not stay long at the fire after having your cake and opening the small gift I gave you. I made you a little crown of white daises and I know you will be wearing it until it crumbles into dust in your hair.

Trayu should be here with us. He should be stealing extra cakes before they are done cooking and teasing you about Also. I was left sitting by myself by the fire with a wooden plate of honey cakes. I picked at them quietly. You were long gone when Serge appeared. He had been coming by a lot since we stopped. He had brought things he thought we needed. Dried fruit, some pretty cloth and a handful of eggs. Perhaps I have been too harsh in my judgment of Serge. Lei still refuses to acknowledge him which puzzles me.

He sat down beside me on the steps but said nothing, which was good. It was nice, for once, to have someone just sit quietly with me. It was only when he tried to take my hand that I suddenly rose, snatching my hand away and remembered how.. snake like he could seem. He left shortly after but not before he brought up a point I do not like to think about.

"It is only a matter of time Asria."

I paused on my steps and looked back at him over my shoulder; my eyes searched him for a moment. His implication was perfectly clear.

“Fonce speaks for me.”

I was not so naive that I had not sensed the tension between the two men nor was I foolish enough to refuse Serge on merely a feeling. I knew that soon enough I would have to let a man come into my life and if I ignored it I would end up with no say in who it was. Either way, I might not have any say.

“For now.” He replied before walking away. I watched him go with a sinking feeling in my belly. Serge was nothing like Trayu and nothing like.. anyone else I might have ever liked, even a little. I found something.. vacant in him, like a piece was missing from him. I did not think I would ever be able to fill that vacancy.

I dream in yellow

Water. I did not fall into this dream gently as most dreams start. There was no soft beginning, no gentle mist. I was awake one moment, tucking in Lei and streched out on my belly by the dimming light of a brazier and the next thing I knew I was under water, way down deep. Out of fear I gasped and tried to swim upward but my hands met solid wall.. ice or glass. I was trapped beneath the water, the red dress I wore was twisted up around my thighs and I could feel the water weeds pulling at my feet. Once more something was trying to drag me down. I could see Lei though the glass, she was sitting on the edge of the water, in the grass, her face smiling as she waved at me like it was only a game we played. I breathed in the water, felt it fill up my lungs.. I was not giving in, only allowing it to do what it wanted. Once I knew I couldn't last another moment the glass shattered and spilled into the water in a million dancing twirling shimmering shards, they brushed my skin and I recoiled, but they did not cut, they felt like feathers, softer then cotton. I was mezmerized, under the water at the center of all this dazzling reflection, my legs swung slowly and I gently rose to the surface. The moment I broke free I felt the burn in my chest that I had not felt under the water and I screamed for Lei. Once again no sound left my lips! I rushed to the shore, leaving the fragments of glass in my wake and scrambled onto the grass. I was dry now, the scarlet dress swung loosely about my knees and my daughter was gone.

And then I heard the humming bell.

Scarlet is the color of lust.

Ibrought my hands up and pressed them hard against my ears. I did not want to hear that bell! I knew it brought the birds and with them.. all the feelings I wasn't facing. I was right. The birds came in a flock of blinding yellow, the color of sunshine, the color of happiness... my pretty yellow birds were a clever joke. They brought me no life, or happiness. They brought the whispers of my dead heart. Trayu.

"No, Asria. The answer is no."

His voice was not sweet or gentle, it was angry and hurt. I uncovered my ears, they did no good shutting out the sounds and the bell swirled around me again, closing me up in its sound. I knew the question he answered. I had been asking him for days now without even realizing it.

"I do not wish to wait!" I shouted at the emptiness, stifling the humming. A cherry tree in the field blossomed into color; it glowed with large ridiculous pink flowers.

"You are not ready." He replied inside my head and now the large absurd flowers withered and died. He was right. I was still trapped under the glass, I was still afraid to break it and run wildly on the ground. I could not move forward if I did not move backward first. This time no one came to save me, no one tried to pull me down.

I did not wake suddenly but slowly, the sun was warming the wagons and I heard the pitter patter of rain on the leather. I lay on my side, not in a red dress, but in my own brown tunic, my gaze fell on my daughter and she smiled.

"Don't cry Mother. The skies are singing for me today."

Soapy Fresh

Later, I felt a little badly about how I had pushed Yamka to confess her feelings to her warrior. Was I so eager to see others be as happy as I had been that I would push them thoughtlessly just to please myself? How could I be so annoyed by Fonce pushing me when I was only transferring it onto another?

I joined the women soon after the wagons stopped, Lei and were in good cheer, dusty and dirty as we were. Cana promised us baths and I for one was thrilled. True, there was no longer any man who would be pleased to see me fresh and clean and sweetly scented, but I found joy in being feminine even if only for myself. Somehow knowing I was doing it only for me made it that much more decadent. I wished I had some chocolates to share with the others that night as we bathed in the dimly lit wagon. Soapy bubbles and girlish giggles would float on the breeze to taunt those who walked past. Cana had been thoughtful to think of us. I am glad to have her as my friend.

Mezoo came too and gave Lei a perfectly mysterious cocoon. We put it carefully away in a jar and tied a bit of cloth about the top. Whatever winged creature shall come forth will not be able to escape until he is properly inspected. Lei named it .. Butter.

There is something special about Mezoo and perhaps I only think so because she is someone I consider family. Lei sees it too, she is not friendly with many people but she has chosen a small handful of friends... Fonce, Mezoo, Also. I see the connecting threads in them; there is a bond there that I am envious of. Or I was briefly envious of. As I sat in the bath I had the chance to think more then I would have liked and I realized that I was not without my own threads. I had tied Lei and I quickly to our friends, new as well as old, and I had no intentions of letting those threads grow weak. I am in a better place then I realize.

And I smell like juniper berries.

Yamka got the yellow ribbons to my amused dismay so I settled on the brown and tan and green ones. Colors of the earth, they fit how I felt tonight.. I felt grounded, my feet were firmly planted in the dirt, and the green in my eyes was the color of grass. My happiness tonight was the color of a desert lotus. When I left the bathing wagon, dressed again, my hair combed and dried and hanging neatly in two twin braids, the muted ribbons loosely woven in with the hair so they dangled prettily here and there.. I started to go to Fonce, I wanted to tell him how I was feeling. I wanted to explain myself to someone. I wanted to see him smile when I laughed at my own giddiness.

As I neared.. I slowed my steps. Why did I want to see Fonce? It was Trayu who I should have been missing and I did miss him! I stopped completely; my breath quickening and I felt the air around me grow colder. An angry kind of cold. The chill grew up dainty goose bumps on my bare arms and a sudden wind pulled at the ribbons in my braids dislodging one. It fluttered away to get lost in the dust. All the happiness had drained away from me and my dream, the hands trying to pull me down was filling up my thoughts. Something stopped me in my tracks tonight. I turned and hurried back to my own wagon. I felt terribly shamed .. and all because of the briefest of thoughts.

Fonce was not Trayu and I.. I had better get used to that.

Cry for me

I miss you today. I remember the last time there was a water shortage like this and you gave me and Lei your rations. I had no idea what you were doing until you grew ill. I was so angry with you for your foolishness and so much more in love with you. I do not think just any man would put himself at risk so easily for his woman and their daughter. I thanked the skies for you, every day.

Fonce came by and checked on the water barrel, there is enough for Lei and I to get by but not enough to cook with or do much washing up. I wish it would rain, I wish the skies would cry and let fall her tears down upon us.

Tonight I fried up a little of the fresh meat in some fat. I get so sick of stew. The smell brought others over to sit with us and share a bit of our modest meal. I was pleased to have the company. Magda brought over some meat as well and I sliced that thin and added it to the pan over the fire. Laughter could heard for wagons and even Lei was happily dancing around and chattering away. She was telling everyone about her magic boots.

I told riddles to keep everyone guessing at the answers.. I still had not found anyone who could figure out the latest one and we stayed up far too late. Serge was there, but he kept on the edges of the gathering. He looked annoyed by it. How strange is that? Lei fell asleep in my lap eventually and I suddenly missed you. There was ache in my chest that I had not felt in a week. You should have been here, your hand on the small of my back, your laughter joining the others. Your eyes rolling when you could not answer my riddle. I excused myself suddenly and brought Lei inside the wagon, tucking her into my own furs for the night.

Before I slept myself, I brought a covered bowl to Fonces wagon, still hot and greasy, and left it with Gen. Her odd happiness brought my smile back a little and I almost offered her a meal as well. Almost. Messing around to much with a mans slaves was probably a super bad idea. I just left the meal and returned. Tonight I would sleep with my arm curled around my daughter.. my family.

Sparkle of Friendship

Lei and I popped by the fires last night, I really meant it to just be a quick stop. Fonce was not there and I wondered with amusement which other helpless woman was keeping him busy this time. It was one of the few times I have ventured around the others without his hand to hold and I am glad I did so. I had hardly sat down with Cana took me by the arm and pulled me towards the sweetest looking Kaiila I ever saw. Not that sweet looking Kaiilas are ever seen actually. Even this one, docile and big eyed could rip me to shreds if I looked at her wrong. I knew winning the beasts devotion could take months.

“It is a gift for you.”

A gift! I do not think anyone but Trayu ever gave me a gift before and those were often things like hides and the occasional crushed form his pocket wildflower. Where were gifts I treasured none the less. But this.. such an extravagance form a woman I barely knew. I could have wept for the open gesture of friendship but I only hugged her. Do many people hug the Ubara? Probably not. Probably Cana spends an awful lot of time being lonely. I hugged her extra tight. I knew what it was to be lonely.

Lei was sucking on a lollipop and mimicking a sleen keeper named Ogedaii, he did not speak to me much but seemed nice. I also met Silken whom I had heard about before. I was pleased to finally meet her but I feel like she is a little bit lost in the world. The way she spoke seemed to be trying too hard to seem happy. I knew too how that felt. I had done my fair share of faking a smile. She had some twin boys, can you imagine that? Who shared some candy with Lei and they played a game of stones. I think she offended one of the warriors as well. What am I ever going to do with that child?

Perhaps I will teach her, at last, to ride a kaiila. When the move is over I will have to set about preparing thank you gifts for Yamka and Cana.

He's my Pusher

I left Lei with Magda, she is a 'spex as well and a good friend of Leis. I know that's kind of strange for such an old woman to befriend such a little girl but Magda is the one who always says she sees the glimmer in my daughter. I trust her like I trust myself. She was sleeping when I left and wandered over towards Fonces wagon. He looked bored.

I am not sure how the conversation, which started out about as dull as dirty dishwater, turned to me.. and men. There are many things I prefer not to talk about. Trayus death, my family, the ache I feel when I think I may never have more children and.. men. I told him Serge had stopped by, I said it fleetingly, I did not mean for it to become a topic yet, there we were. Me denying that Serge wanted anything more then to see how I was and Fonce implying that some day soon I would have to take a mate. He didn't say soon it just felt.. implied. Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe it is just what is realistic.

He said I have to think about those things now that I am a single woman.I don;t want too think about them, I replied.If you do not then I will have to think about them for you, Asria.I felt all twisted up inside, I still do, when I think about that short exchange of words. All because Serge came by. How can I ever feel what I felt for Trayu with another man?And why do I find myself wondering if perhaps the second time around there would be less sweetness and more.. passion. Is it wrong to want that? Trayu and I were childhood sweethearts, there was rarely an ugly word between us.. but now and then I found myself aching for a little.. fire.

I have been so willing and happy to let Fonce take care of us, it never crept up into my thoughts that I was letting him control so much more then how tight the canvas was on my wagon, or the shine in the reigns of the Kaiila. I was letting him draw pictures of my future.. and my daughters. If I do not one day make a choice or at least let him think I am thinking about it.. He will shine up those reigns too and I could end up the woman of.. of.. someone just horrible. Someone unpleasant and unkind who has half a dozen bratty children of his own and hates my paintings and never kisses me behind my ear.

Thankfully Mezoo came by and we chatted a bit along with Cana and some others. Mezoo said she had a surprise for Lei and Cana and I spoke about her story calendar. Life was normal again for a moment but until I left I knew every second.. that Fonce was standing a few feet behind me and he isn't going to let it drop for very long.

Denial

I am nothing more then what you see before you.
I am simple, sweet and kind.
I do not have dark thoughts!
.... I do not think about your hands, your palms, strong and firm and sliding up my thighs to my waist.
I do not think about your mouth, lips dragged over my throat, hot breath crawling over me, tickling the back of my ear.
I do not think about your eyes or how I want them to eat me up inside of them and hold me there until I beg you to let me go.
I do not think about your body, pressed up against mine, holding me beneath you, sweaty against my own.
And most especially... I never think about your voice .. Oh! Your voice and how it might sound when you say dirty things against my skin, my mouth
No!
I am simple, sweet and kind.
There is nothing underneath my smile.
I have no layers, please stop peeling, please stop looking,
please stop looking.. right.. though .. me.

Oh! Magic boots!

A few hands ago we found the prettiest pair of little girl boots on our steps. Yamka had made them and I couldn't have been more pleased. Lei giggled as she tried them on and they came up a little too high, but I was glad for that, they would last though the next season. Lei twirled in the boots and immediately twisted her ankle, landing with a soft, bouncy, thump in the dust. “ooph!” My breath caught in my throat as it always did when my child stumbled and fell, but I did nothing. I had learned years ago that if I made a big deal out of it.. so would she.

“Hate these boots! Hate these feet! Hate this stupid ground!” I heard her mutter, her thick curls swaying in the wind. I laughed softly, I couldn't help myself.

“Little Lei I think I know what the problem is..” I walked over to her, my skirt licking at my ankles. My own boots, well worn and cozy, came to meet hers before I crouched down. She looked up at me dubiously.

“These boots are broken Mama.” She declared. She rarely called me anything but a serious sounding 'mother' so I knew she was quiet upset. She stuck out her left foot and I took it in my hands, cradling her heel.

“These must be Magic Boots.” I said it quietly, my eyes a little wide and she looked up at me, her own eyes widening. “Like the Hairyspecs?” I swallowed my own giggles, this was no time for a speech lesson. “Yes, just like theirs. You have to break them in more carefully then other boots or else they will get grumpy and trip you up.” I ran my fingers over the top of the boot and gently set it down before reaching to help her to stand again. She brushed off her pink shift and looked down at her boots, twisting them this way and that. I said nothing, letting her soak up my latest little mother trick.

“Does Fonce have Magic boots?”

“Of course he does.”

“And Mezoo?”

“I am sure of it.”

She smiled then and took a little hop. “Maybe Imke should have magic boots too!” And before I could answer she was running off to find the little jit. I smiled watching her. Another crisis averted. I suppose life.. does go on. I shall have to thank Yamka personally soon.

The one where we see Serge

As the wagons slowed to stop last night, we had a visitor. Lei was helping me to build a small cooking fire and I was rummaging though our small staple of spices. I could hear my daughter singing to herself and I smiled, her little happiness always warmed my heart.

"I found some dried peaches and a little salted butter for the... oh.. Tal." As I climbed down from the wagon I met the gaze of a tall warrior who seemed to be smirking at me, after a moment I realized that was just he looked when he smiled. While I was still trying to place him he moved suddenly and closed the space between us and hugged me, hard. "I am so sorry for your loss, should you need anything, anything at all please come to me first." There was a very subtle emphasis on the last word that made the hair on the back of my neck prickle. I scarcely returned the hug, no one had hugged me, no one male anyway, outside of Trayu and my family. Lei watched us warily. I remembered him at last and my expression softened. Serge, one of Pacu's friends more then Trayu's but he had eaten at my fire before. "Thank you Serge, Fonce has been looking after us, but I will remember to think of you." In reply I only received an "Oh, Fonce." His voice was flat. "Yes, Fonce" I smiled.

"He fixed our wheel." Lei spoke up as watched us.

Serge seemed to regain himself and laughed heartily, bending he picked up Lei, swooped her up and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "You're growing up to be as pretty as your mother." But Lei was unimpressed and, if anything, kind of offended. She was not the kind of child that liked to be picked up by strangers. "You're a st-" She started to say something I was sure would be rude and sassy. I quickly reached to grab her from him and she came easily, eagerly. "Ohhhkay! Lei.. could you please go and ask Mezoo if she would like to come by to eat?" She said nothing as she slipped down my hip to the ground and turned to run off.

"Forgive her, she takes a little time to warm up to people." I thought, for a moment, of inviting him to eat with us. I know it was only he and Fonce who had come back that day, but something stopped me. Perhaps it was because he had not been by to see us until now, or maybe it was the too familiar way he spoke to and touched my daughter. Whatever it was.. I declined to offer him a place, I just stood there.. and waited for him to be on his way. I think he understood because he sighed. "Do not forget my offer Asria, I will be here for you." He turned, heading back the way he had come which seemed stranger still, like he had come this way just to see us. After a moment I glanced around, checking to see if anyone had been watching but there were people everywhere and anyone could have seen and heard us. I flushed lightly and quietly went back to fixing a meal and waiting for Lei to return.

I wasn't sure what that had all been about and I was even less sure that I wanted to ask and found out.

Gone with the Wind

Lei seems disturbed this year by the move and it took me a few days to realize why.

"How will he know where to find us?"

She asked me as I walked beside the wagon. Naldo, one of your younger friends was driving for me. Lei leaned over the side as we spoke and behind us walked Silver, your Kaiila, he was behaving well, considering.

I was startled by the question.. did she not realize what dead meant? Had I not explained things well enough? "Lei.." I began, wetting my lips as I looked up at her face. her eyes were so full of .. belief. She believed, wholly, that I had all the answers, that I knew everything. How could I ever let her down? I sighed and reached up to pull her off the wagon so she was straddling my hip and I could press my cheek to hers.. I wanted to whisper in her ear.

"He will find us in our dreams, Lei, no matter where we are."

She wrapped her skinny arms around my neck and quietly began to cry. She was so quiet with her tears wetting my shoulder. It was the first time she had really cried and the first time I saw she really understood. You are gone, forever, you are never coming back. Perhaps I was not harsh enough in my explanation? The well of sorrow she let out on my shoulder as too heavy for my heart to stand and as we walked I began to cry with her. My heart was shattering all around me. Little reflective pieces of it blew away in the wind, swallowed up by the skies.

Even the anxious spring winds were not enough to dry the tears your girls cried for you. Naldo glanced back at us once and quickly looked away, my tears embarrassed him. For once though I cared little for who might see this silent display of emotions. We left a trial of shimmery tears on the ground today but.. I hope that by the time we reach fresh ground that our crying is over with.

I want to smile again.

Family..

Family. What a funny word that is. What does it even mean? And why do we need it so much?

Family.

I went to see Oren and ended up sitting with Fonce and Mezoo, Pacus daughter. She seems thoughtful, considerate. She had a monkey that Lei made a quick friend of. Lei told Mezoo they were cousins and I think, in some round about way, they are, aren't they? It is a good thing, this new thread of family. Lei was pleased with it, she spoke of nothing else as we began to cure the meat. I hope we see much more of her, Lei thinks she is pretty and wants to make candy for her.

On a happier note Fonce offered to let Mezoo and I poke around his supply wagons. During his time as Ubar he was showered with gifts, I remember Pacu talking about it over supper now and then. I'd like to find some nicer blankets then what we have, not that they aren't perfectly good but.. perhaps he has something a little prettier hidden away in there. Something yellow for Lei. Something red or pink for me. I think Mezoo would like orange.

I teased Fonce about how busy he must be looking after all of the pretty single women of the tribe and he laughed and said he had the time, since he has no family of his own. I surprised myself by correcting him.. We are his family, aren't we? I consider him my family. If anything were to happen to Lei or I it is Fonce who would be there for us, and who would speak for us. I trust him like I would have trusted .. you.

Lucky to have her

Dear Trayu

I have been good about going out to see people. It is good for Lei, though she tends to gravitate to only a small handful of people. I trust her judgement, perhaps even more then my own. We found a gathering near the stream, a little ways up from where she and I had been looking for herbs and leaves for my teas. She tugged my hand to bring her towards them.

I had the chance to speak with an older Year Keeper, Tayran, his slow way of speaking comforted me and he promised to speak with me further about the story wheel and regaining my clan skills. My story telling skills have been plied upon only the very young and I have always much preferred my little riddles and poems. Nothing that would enthrall an adult but Lei seems to enjoy my games.

Lei was playing her own game with Fonce, I am not sure if he knew it or not. She copied his words a few times, a sure sign that she was annoyed by too much adult talk. She is not always so subtle, our daughter and yet at times she is a little puzzle herself. She was copying him as he built little towers out of stone. I found it difficult to focus on the others when all I wanted to do was watch her. She is searching for something, not a father.. it isn't like that. But she is searching for something, someone to leave an imprint on, do you know what I mean?

She spoke to him, she seemed to pity him for not being as perfect as you are.. were. I still chuckle when I think about the things she said, the way she spoke to him. Will any man ever be as perfect in her eyes as you were Trayu? She told him that in order to be able to fix things as well as you did he would have to work hard and drink much. I was only slightly humiliated. As she spoke I saw Fonce change what he was doing, his towers grew more complicated and your daughter matched him, she never gave up. She made everyone smile. She glimmers when the light falls upon her, did you ever see that?

As I watched the year keeper Tayran stood beside me.. "You are lucky to have her." He said. My heart skipped a little beat and I nodded. Truer words I had never heard. I am lucky to have her. She is my saving grace.

As for me.. I am fine. I am making friends and ready for the move. I am seeing more and more all the spaces you left in my world.. and even more slowly do I let them be filled again.

I love you,

Asria

Who?

Dear Trayu,

I think I dreamed of you last night. I was running in a sea of gray, running like death itself was licking at my ankles. The wind was silent, too silent. All I could hear was my own breath as it scratched at my throat. Something grabbed my leg and I screamed without sound, without breath. A flock of yellow birds sprung from a tree as if startled by my silent scream. But there was no sound and the sudden splash of color enthralled me. The long fingered hand I had felt on my leg slipped away and suddenly, strangely.. I heard a bell.

No, not a bell.. it was deeper then a bell, more like a gong but sweeter. I stood still in a desert of gray, the yellow birds fading in the distance and only the sound of the deep, sweet bell. My soul stopped trying to climb out of body and everything, everything in the whole world was still as my breath.

Three times I heard the sound and on the third one it lingered, growing louder, resonating in my bones and filling up my head. It came from the left and wound around me to the right, I felt it slide though my ears and erase my fear. The sound consumed me and cradled me there, the wind started to pick up, spinning a ring around me and I raised my arms to the sky in offering. The yellow birds came back and one of them broke free from the flock.. tumbled to the ground before me. The sound rang out again and the little bird looked up at me, helplessly.

"Pick it up Asria, pick it up Asria."

I heard you whispering to me and tried to turn around but I was stuck in the grass. When I looked down I saw it creeping up on my ankles, pulling me downward and everything started to go gray and black again. "Trayu!" I screamed and heard myself this time, I finally made a noise. I felt the the ground swallowing up my feet in the space of a breath and I heard the bell fading away. I struggled, falling backwards on my rear and leaning forward to claw at the grass and vines that pulled me relentlessly deeper. Sucking me down into oblivion. I was sobbing, my hair was sticking to my wet cheeks and I was beginning to bleed from my own scratches. "TRAYU!" I screamed again but you were gone and I was alone and drowning, fading, sliding down into the ground!

"Take my hand little girl."

The voice was not new, I had heard it before. A mans hand took my own and pulled me upwards. It was not you, Trayu, but who? As I stood, my skirt falling around my battered calves, the grass recoiled, the vines dissipated into a fine mist. I searched for the man as he let of my hand but I saw nothing but empty sky. How could I feel him but not see him? Who was he? Who is he?

I woke up in a sweat, the linen dress I swore was clinging to my skin. I was shivering and dizzy. I ached for you, I needed to climb into your hands and let you hold me. I didn't want to go on for one more second without you here.. and then Lei opened her eyes beside me and wiggled over to curl up in my arms. I breathed in the sweetness of her and I understood the dream, I think. I couldn't let it suck me down, I couldn't give in to my own sorrow. But who was it Trayu? Who's hand I am supposed to take?

I love you,
Asria

Chocolates

Dear Trayu,

I went to see Fonce today. I keep telling myself it was just to say hello, that Lei just wanted to go for a walk. Those are lies. I went because I wanted to ask him again..

What happened?

He was there with a chained woman, I am not sure if she is his mate or his slave and I was to ashamed to admit I didn't know if he had a mate to ask. You had never mentioned it and I had never asked. He carried your body back to me and has been there every step of the way since then. I wish you were Trayu, to tell me how to thank him. I never asked him, I didn't have the heart to bring it up again.

I liked the woman who was there, we chatted a bit. She said her name was Gennesse, a pretty name. I am always so glad to have someone to talk too. Everyone thinks I am so quiet until I really get going. Pacu used to call me a chatterbox, remember? It always made me blush.

Someone left a box of chocolates on the wagon steps. I was surprised to see them, I have not had chocolates since you brought them to me when Lei was born. It was her first taste of the sweet and between the two of us we ate them all. I wish I knew who to thank. I know it wasn't Fonce, he would have knocked and handed them to me.

Tomorrow I will go to the first fires, I promise.

I love you,
Asria

A milk white bird

Dear Trayu,

Today Lei and I sorted though the beads for your calendar. She was still quiet as we worked but I saw her pick out a few and hide them in the furs. I offered to tie them into her hair later and she sheepishly fetched them to let me. I know that they were supposed to be used to mark the move but I cannot help but think our daughter needs them more then the wheel. She smiled when I was finished and I gave her a riddle to work on while she played. She loves riddles as much as I do.

A milk white bird
Floats down though the air.
And never a tree
But he lights there.

She didn't repeat it like she used to but smiled before running off to find a friend. I wish you had been here to puzzle out the answer. I miss you.

Asria

Little Lei

Dear Trayu,

Lei is not speaking, she has not spoken since yesterday and even that was only a whisper. I know she is not sick, I hear her humming as she plays but whenever anyone speaks to her she just looks up at me. I admit I do not understand it and I am embarrassed. I mean to do as you wished and approach the first wagons to earn a place for her and I but what if they think there is something wrong with her? With us? I think tonight I will fetch some of the salve your aunt has and see if that will help her just to relax. Perhaps I am worrying to much. I just want to keep my mind occupied.

Serge has been hanging around an awful lot. Helping Astar as much as he can. At first I was pleased to see someone being so thoughtful but then I started to think it was almost kind of creepy.. and disrespectful. If a man tried to take your place so swiftly I am sure your very ghost would swoop down from the Great Skies and frighten him into drowning himself. Listen to me.. what man could ever take your place? What man could ever waken me and make me feel like you did?

I told Lei the story of how you stole my hair when we were children. She started to cry though and it took me ages to calm her down and explain that it is not a sad story at all. It is a happy story, a love story. She asked where the hair was now and I confess I do not know.. did you loose it out there? Did you put it away somewhere? Did someone leave it on you before the pyre? I hope so.. I hope you took it with you and have it forever.

I love you,
Asria

Cared for

Dear Trayu,

It has been 4 days since you left that morning. You promised to bring me back a herlit and a red flower. "What will I do with a herlit?" I asked you as I watched you dress. Your laughter was infectious. "Train him to protect you while I am away, of course." Little did I know how long you would be away for. I started to climb out of the furs but you stopped me, crawled back into bed with me and kissed my collar bone. I had never been happier.

When they came to tell me what had happened I had been working on your story quilt, I promised you one for every year we were together, remember? One for every year I loved you. We would need a wagon just to hold them all. Lei was climbing on the wheels, ruining the dress she wore and calling out taunts to other children she plays with. She is so much like you.

Today I took Lei and slipped away to the stream, I wanted a little peace and I was tired of the well wishers. I know they mean well, and I do appreciate it but I didn't want anymore sad faces trying to smile at me, trying to cheer me up. You were loved by so many people Trayu, Lei and I will eat for a year on all the meat and treats that have been left for us. Everyone of your friends has given us a share of thier own stores no matter how much I protest. I think I will seek out the elders year keepers and see if I can find another family that could use the extra stores. If you were here you would want to have a party with it all.

While I was at the stream Fonce came to see me and Lei. She was sleeping though, she is so tired these days. I think all the emotion she feels is exhausting for her. He has offered to help us with the move and asked if I needed anything else. I wanted to tell him I needed you. I needed him to go back and change things and bring you home to me. I wanted to shout at the skies for taking you away. Somehow I managed to only quietly say I needed it to be last week. I needed for everything to be all right again. Most men would have said "It will be all right again Asria, you will be fine." And I expected him to say that, I wanted that comfort. But he did not say that, he said he needed the same thing. I was surprised by this and strangely comforted. I was glad I was not the only one who had such irrational thoughts. I think I understand why you liked him so much. He is like you in the way he is not what you expect him to be. You can rest knowing your daughter and I will be fine though the move.

I love you,
Asria