Naughty words

I couldn't stand another moment tucked away in the wagons, especially after moving. I was so eager to be settled again, near the stream and peaceful. I had not been feeling very peaceful and that was no way to begin First Son of Trayu's life.

It was Lei who wanted to go to the fires and show off the baby. She was excited and jumpy, bouncing around me until I laughed and gave in. She was a force you just couldn't ignore.

"I want to show everyone my brother." She declared but I knew who, specifically, she meant. I was a little less eager. Showing Fonce my son would only put me right beck where I had been.. on a pedestal, the eternal Madonna. My feet had not yet touched the ground you know.. my toes dangled there, teasing him, brushing the grass. But every time I got close to hopping down to be just like everyone else.. he shoved me right back up their again.

I had no idea that tonight he would tie to me to the marble column in our minds that kept me out of reach and.. untouchable.

I bundled the baby who, like Lei had been and like I was, was quiet, he rarely cried and he seemed to adapt well to strangers. My other hand held my daughters hand and on the way to the fires I began to tell her the story of the night she was born. If you knew Trayu at all, then you know that was one fantastic tale. Sadly.. I'd not get to tell her much tonight because we were cut off by the sudden pounding of the drums and.. the looks. People were staring at us.

The whole world stopped and I felt the breath sucked out of my chest, my hand tightened on Leis who was trying to cling to my skirts. "What is it, Mama?" She asked in a high pitched way. Her stressed voice. She understood the drums as well as I but was slower to let it sink in. "I.. I don't know." I told her honestly as I turned my green eyed gaze down on her. I could see the little storms behind her eyes. The inability to comprehend right away. Children react too swiftly to things; they often do not want too many details because they can only see one thing. Like the boots, like throwing away perfectly good boots without understanding everything. We looked at each other silently, letting the drums repeat once and then fade. The ground shifted under my feet. I saw it begin in her eyes,

"Fonce is a dirty bastard." She declared, defensively. A woman walking past us gasped and my cheeks brightened. I never smacked my daughter but I wanted to then, Oh I wanted too. "Don't say that, Lei. We do not know what’s happened yet."

Lei pulled at my hand, trying to leave me. "Let me go! I want to talk to him!" Really, I needed this scene. The humiliation of his publicly broadcasted decision blindsiding me wasn’t enough.. I needed my daughter to shout at me too. I tugged on her arm and crouched down. Everlasting patience had no limits, I reminded myself. Twice.

"Stop it!” I whispered. “I will speak to him first. You are too angry and to young. This is for adults Lei so you just stop it and wait and see." Lei glared at me. I had said the wrong thing.. for adults only. Fonce wouldnt have told her that. He talked to her about the things she did not bring to me, I suppose she needed that.. an adult that was not a parent that would listen without being.. well, a parent.

Lei said nothing else, at all, for the rest of the night. My daughter always goes silent when she is upset or worried. She turns things inward and either lets the steam build or turns the problem over until she solves it. I do not know which path she was taking tonight, I wouldn’t have tried to invalidate either one.

"When I see him tonight," and I intended to wait all night if I had too "I will ask him to explain this.. change, all right? I am sure there is a very good reason for it, Lei. Surely.. there is."

We made our way to the fires then and Lei turned herself into the watchful sister, I could see her struggling to not get upset. I hoped she learned to cope with these things better then I did. I hoped she saw the reassurance I tried to give her with my eyes.

I hoped she believed me more then I did.