Inner Strength

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Things have been quiet for me the last few days. For many reasons. I am tired, finding the challenge of two young children on my own without so much as a slave, to be more taxing then I had expected. Lei is a great help and I find myself trying to imagine what kind of mother she will be. She does not have my patience but she does possess a sort of calm peacefulness inside of her that I envy. Lei feels things in an absolute way. But my emotions have puppet strings. My emotions are water.. her's are like stones.

I have stopped keeping her home, now that her flare of anger has faded to a dull roar. I have asked her to give Fonce space and time. I was honest with her about how those at the first fires seemed to think she might be.. bothering him. It seemed the sort of thing she should hear from me rather than others.

"Am I not supposed to talk to Fonce now?" She asked me, her chest beginning to puff up.

"Oh no no.. on the contrary, you have to go see Fonce, Lei. he wants to see you. I think he is already wondering whats taking you so long." I smiled at her.

Fonce lived in a slightly altered reality, I think, and Lei was one of the few lamps that lit the way. No matter who thought my daughter was a burden or a bother.. I'd not let that color my daughters opinion of someone she looked up to so much. Fonce is no longer the guardian of my family but still, he is. He insinuated himself into places in our hearts. He made a little home for himself with her and I. I was too kind of a landlord to throw him out. -wink-

"Perhaps you can ask him to fix your doll." The little wooden thing I had foolishly traded two woven story blankets for had broken twice now, the wood had split and left Lei with two halves of a whole. We noticed that the doll was oddly made from two very different kinds of wood but still.. fit so perfectly together. It was only the glue that had gone brittle and useless. She smiled at me and kissed my cheek before she took off in the direction of his wagons. I watched her go with a small sigh. I felt a little like I was letting go of something even though I logically knew I wasn't.

Fonces anger the other day by the serving wagon? It was a speed bump, another blatant warning. I was treading water, too close to the deep end. I had just enough self preservation to return to where my toes could lightly brush the sandy shores and there I was going to hover.. and wait for the tide to recede. I understood this was not going to be an easy journey but... nothing worth it ever is.

Like becoming one of those at the first fires. Ayguili had asked me a few questions, questions I had been waiting to be asked for about 8 months now. I am a little amused that I might have been spared because of my relationship to Fonce.. because there was no one who would ever be harder or more demanding of me, even if that was not always obvious.

I have been turning those questions over in my mind and wishing he had already given me my task to work on. I had already completed several smaller ones but I was eager for more, something more tangible. Meaningful. Until then I kept quiet.. First Son of Trayu took up much of my time and I had somehow become that Mother, you know the one.. the one that is always close to home so all the children go to her house for juice and popsicles? That was me. I didn’t mind though, there is a simplicity about most children that soothes me. Many afternoons were spent telling stories now, playing games with little girls and teaching Lei and her friends how to sew beads onto their dresses. How to braid their hair and how to melt sugar to make candies.

I think if the rest of my life could stay this simple.. I could be a very happy woman.

Silly Asria.