Love is never weakness

Cana and I sat at the fires by ourselves. Her presence comforts me and it is a comfort I desperatly need. I try not to let too many see it.. the overwhelming lonliness I feel. This is why I escape my own wagons to flee to the first fires. It is why I want to be accepted.

Cana asked me, warmly, how I was.

"Really well actually Cana, it's.. surprising how well I have been feeling. "

Here, I paused and looked at my friend, Lei was sleeping in my lap, her dark curls spilled over my arm.

"Cana... how are you?"

Her expression changed slightly, I do not think many would have noticed it. "Asria, I have good days and I have bad ones. I try to keep myself busy. I find if my hands are busy, then so is my mind."

She might as well have pulled that answer out of a Cracker Jack box o' bullshit. I let there be quiet between us again as I studied her face. She looked so tired. I did not envy her. My Trayu was gone forever, but it was final, I knew without doubt, he died for this tribe, for our family. There were no shadows cast on my life, no uncertaintanty. Cana had no closer and little reason to hope.. all she had, I think, was.. love.

"There will be songs sung about him, you know. I hear whispers that the year may be named for him. You have so much to be proud of and I know you are. Ba'atar's journey is easier because of you. Because you are here with his children, because you are here having faith. I promise he can feel that, he knows.... he will return safely because you .. have faith."

And that’s when I, Asria little mother of the Tuchuk.. made the Ubara cry. She tried not to, I watched the internal battle play out in her eyes and then she hugged me. I pressed Lei closer to me and wrapped my around Cana.

"Oh.. Cana.." I whispered, I did not envy her lonely throne. "Shh.. It is all right to cry for him. It.. is right to cry for him."

Canas tears fell slowly, in a very quiet way. She whispered. "I do not want to dishonor him by seeming weak."

We did not agree on this, I have always thought that a show of such strong emotions in a woman was like.. a gift. Ok so sometimes it was not the most pleasant gift but still.. a gift. It meant Look at me! Look how much you make me feel. Someone had told me once that to feel.. was a very good thing.

"You would dishonor him more by hiding this suffering. You suffer for him, what higher show of love is there then that? Many women would not hold as fast as you do Cana, Ubara of the Tuchuck." We spoke softly, I pressed my cheek to hers. Her tears made my own heart ache.

"A woman’s love is never a weakness."

I hope I am not wrong.

~~

A short while later I tried to tell her about my conversation with Fonce. I wanted her approval for my feelings, strangely enough. I needed Cana to tell me it was ok to feel what I felt as long as I did not try to blindfold myself. As long as I did not ignore what was right there in front of my face.

Just as I began though.. Fonce arrived with Yam and she asked to speak with me. This was another conversation I was eager to have. I wish I knew what had taken her so long! I slipped my daughter from my lap into Canas and followed the leather worker. She never smiled at me anymore and I had to wonder still.. What I had done to upset her? What had changed her mind about me? I remembered her making my little girl’s magic boots and I held her hand as she talked about having feelings for a man for the first time. I had defended her, helped her loosen her wagon during the move. I had told her how wonderful she was.

Still.. she never smiled at me, there was a wall I did not understand between us. I am not often so confused by relationships as I am by this one.

She made her apology.. sort of. It seemed rather forced and then she seemed to grow annoyed with how pleased I was to hear it. Interesting.

It seems sadly clear to me that Yam does not wish to be my friend and, while this hurts, while I am still at a loss as to what I have done.. I will do as she wishes and leave her alone. Perhaps she is just one of those people who prefer things that way. I have never lost a friend before.

I do not like it.