"Didn't you know, Asria?!"

I did not cry. A small thing for women with thicker skin then I, but something important for me. I did not cry. I left Lei with Tarra, I have been encouraging Lei to talk to that woman more but I suppose was not a good night for that. I felt Leis angry eyes on me as I walked from the fires with Fonce. In fact.. I felt a lot of angry eyes. I hugged my son closer to my chest and did not look back.

We did not go far, a lane or two away. Fonce was limping and probably shouldn’t have even been up around so quickly. We were both.. tired, tonight. We were both looking at the same picture and seeing different things. Fonce and I are not alike; we do not deal with anything even remotely alike. I rarely like how he handles things and he thinks I am too.. open. I appreciate that our connection, however messy it may be, is based on things that run deeper then the surface, things not seen by everyone.

Trust on the other hand, is not up for debate, I thought. I was angry at him for his sudden decision and the way it was told to me and my daughter. Like having a tack set on your wagon step just waiting for a wiggly ass to sit upon it. Not a fun surprise. But I trust Fonce, with my life, with my children’s lives. With our hearts.

It turned out that trust was the very thing offered up for debate and my own feminine anger, a soft blush color, was overwhelmed by his own anger, a dark bloody red color. My openness, my need to share without filter, without worry.. Infuriates him. The ease with which I say things makes his shoulders tense.

My inability to shut up and be simple for him, easy to understand, easy to just.. be.. makes him want to hurt me.

"I did this because I do not think Ayguili will beat the shit out of you."

It was the third time he has used bad words around me, and the first time he did not apologize. I was watching him mentally cut the cord while I slowly came to understand why. Because I was Asria, mate of Trayu.. Mother to Lei and First Son of Trayu, because I was still the Madonna, I was still on the too tall pedestal.. and if I kept slipping.. he was capable of hurting me.

I do not think the Ubar will be there for me the way Fonce has been. How could be he be? How could anyone fill those shoes for me? He has a dozen women under his care and I am the least of his worries. I'm an adult, I have children, and I can take care of myself when I must. Ayguili is unlikely to even know I am there. Which is exactly how it should be. A far cry from being under the wing of Fonce, who is my friend above all else.

Love. How could I be angry when all this strangeness came down to love and keeping me safe? If being safe and loved meant I had to sit naked on a cold marble column then . so be it. There I would sit until everything else faded away. Or I learned how to .. censor myself for him.

"There are many kinds of love." I told him.

"Yes, there are." He agreed, staring at me with a slightly.. exasperated look?

".. and you love me?" It was hardly a question. it felt so good to 'get it' for once, to not be confused!

"Didn't you know, Asria?"

And I hugged him, gently! Peppermint filled up my head and nearly made me sneeze. I dropped the subject entirely then. I would go and be a good girl for the Ubar, hopefully I would finally be taken more seriously, though I was frightened to be without his hand to hold.. everyone needs to be pushed out the nest eventually, right?

We chatted about his arm, skies that poor arm! and he promised to explain who the.. bitch was, later. And I told him I did want him to speak to Lei, now that I had knew what was going on and I would be prepared for whatever she might take away from him. Fonce leaves indelible marks on my little girl, you know. I only kept her away tonight because of the not knowing, the shock of it all. Really my permission is meaningless, I told him, she'd sneak out like a teenager and ransack his wagon to find him. Pint size indignation!

We walked back slowly and I grinned, I was grinning for awhile last night. I marched right up to the Ubar to present my son, first. As a prospect to the first fires it was the most important thing to do after he was born, presenting him to the Ubar.

But I have no idea how much that question would dog my steps tonight...

"Didn't you know, Asria?" Because apparently.. I had not known ...enough.