Strong Warrior

"Will Trayu's son be a yearkeeper?" Ayguili asked me as he crouched before me. I laughed, seeing his joke but.. it was not so funny. It was, actually, a very good question.

I do not question that Trayu’s son.. will be a son.

Magda says I should hope for a daughter, she keeps trying to make me wear her talismans to make the baby be a girl. She is afraid that having a son will make me even less desirable then I am now and.. I agree. Having a son will take me farther from ever being mated again. I am a good Tuchuck woman; I know it is my place to give the plains children, strong warriors. I will do these things.. someday. But not today. Today I will nurture Trayu's son...

"He will be a Strong Warrior." Ayguili told me and I smiled, softening at the edges.

I have been whispering to him when I am alone, my unborn warrior. he will have to be a strong warrior right from the start. A boy without a father to teach him how to behave, how to hunt, how to sharpen a blade and aim an arrow. He will not want to learn these things from me. He should not have too.

I know that my son will not grow up without men in his life, I am not a fool. But it will never be the same, no matter what, it will never be the same as having his own father put him on his first kaiila. Yes, my son will have to be a Strong Warrior.

When I think of my Son, my Strong warrior, growing up I expect it will be Fonce who gets regulated to teaching him. There are few men that Trayu would have wanted to teach his children but I know Fonce is among them. It warms my heart when I see him speaking to Lei. I am glad that my daughter is so comfortable running to him, to see what he is doing, to tell him something about her day, to show off a new ribbon I gave her or to tell him the story of her life. This does not worry me at all, I know as my daughter grows Fonce will be one her most fierce protectors. I encourage her attachment to him.

So forgive me when I say I am not so sure I will encourage the same in my son. There are sides of Fonce that I do not know, many sides. They are not the sides he is likely to allow me to see right now and I respect that. It is probably for my own good, right? But those sides of him? Those dark and secret sides of him? My son will see them better then I do. My son will look up to Fonce and want to be like him. All of him.

I want Fonce to be there for my son.

I am afraid Fonce will be there for my son.

I was sitting with Tugs painting with all the thoughts of fathers were running though my mind. My daughter came to sit beside me; it was quiet in our wagon. she curled up, silently, laying her cheek to my belly to listen to the Strong Warriors heartbeat.

"Mama, my brother already knows. You don't have to worry. He won’t be afraid."

My gaze settled on her sweet face, her cheeks still round with youth, I smiled at her.. my sometimes spooky little girl. Perhaps it is not Fonces influence on my son I should be worried about. Maybe ....I have it all backwards.