Inner Strength

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Things have been quiet for me the last few days. For many reasons. I am tired, finding the challenge of two young children on my own without so much as a slave, to be more taxing then I had expected. Lei is a great help and I find myself trying to imagine what kind of mother she will be. She does not have my patience but she does possess a sort of calm peacefulness inside of her that I envy. Lei feels things in an absolute way. But my emotions have puppet strings. My emotions are water.. her's are like stones.

I have stopped keeping her home, now that her flare of anger has faded to a dull roar. I have asked her to give Fonce space and time. I was honest with her about how those at the first fires seemed to think she might be.. bothering him. It seemed the sort of thing she should hear from me rather than others.

"Am I not supposed to talk to Fonce now?" She asked me, her chest beginning to puff up.

"Oh no no.. on the contrary, you have to go see Fonce, Lei. he wants to see you. I think he is already wondering whats taking you so long." I smiled at her.

Fonce lived in a slightly altered reality, I think, and Lei was one of the few lamps that lit the way. No matter who thought my daughter was a burden or a bother.. I'd not let that color my daughters opinion of someone she looked up to so much. Fonce is no longer the guardian of my family but still, he is. He insinuated himself into places in our hearts. He made a little home for himself with her and I. I was too kind of a landlord to throw him out. -wink-

"Perhaps you can ask him to fix your doll." The little wooden thing I had foolishly traded two woven story blankets for had broken twice now, the wood had split and left Lei with two halves of a whole. We noticed that the doll was oddly made from two very different kinds of wood but still.. fit so perfectly together. It was only the glue that had gone brittle and useless. She smiled at me and kissed my cheek before she took off in the direction of his wagons. I watched her go with a small sigh. I felt a little like I was letting go of something even though I logically knew I wasn't.

Fonces anger the other day by the serving wagon? It was a speed bump, another blatant warning. I was treading water, too close to the deep end. I had just enough self preservation to return to where my toes could lightly brush the sandy shores and there I was going to hover.. and wait for the tide to recede. I understood this was not going to be an easy journey but... nothing worth it ever is.

Like becoming one of those at the first fires. Ayguili had asked me a few questions, questions I had been waiting to be asked for about 8 months now. I am a little amused that I might have been spared because of my relationship to Fonce.. because there was no one who would ever be harder or more demanding of me, even if that was not always obvious.

I have been turning those questions over in my mind and wishing he had already given me my task to work on. I had already completed several smaller ones but I was eager for more, something more tangible. Meaningful. Until then I kept quiet.. First Son of Trayu took up much of my time and I had somehow become that Mother, you know the one.. the one that is always close to home so all the children go to her house for juice and popsicles? That was me. I didn’t mind though, there is a simplicity about most children that soothes me. Many afternoons were spent telling stories now, playing games with little girls and teaching Lei and her friends how to sew beads onto their dresses. How to braid their hair and how to melt sugar to make candies.

I think if the rest of my life could stay this simple.. I could be a very happy woman.

Silly Asria.

Between wake and sleep

I wear your disappointment like a wet furry blanket. It's is an unflattering look for me, the color is all wrong. It pulls down at my shoulders, pins me to my knees, in the dark, by myself.

On my knees.

Your disappointment has tainted the earth beneath me, wet it, it drips from my shroud of sticky sweet shame. My feet sink, my pretty red shoes are slowly disappearing and I struggle to save them, they are my favorite! The more I struggle the deeper they go, sinking.. sucked into the abyss.

My pink ribbon? My red shoes?

I lift my head and search for you, you glimmer among the pretty people, and you stand out, paler, darker, brighter, and slicker. I cried for you, the only name I know, I screamed it into the crowd and no

one...

looked...

....but you. You turned your head to regard me as I knelt in the wet, wet earth, under my cold, cold shame. Your gifts lay around me like so many broken toys, forgotten, unappreciated and discarded. I had thought them manufactured in China, you know. Lead paint handed out to the masses, a way to see who could ingest the most and live. I did not know each one was lovingly crafted just for me, only me. Special, the feeling I long for.. the very thing you offered me. The very thing I walked all over.


Your eyes were dark, like I was just another .. Just another 'nother. That look sucked away my breath; I felt my heart shrivel up inside my chest, I .. died a little. I could see my pink ribbon in your back pocket, jammed in there among others.. red and purples and blues.. there was not another pink, pink was just for me. My ribbon inched to climb high, coil in your belt loop. You shoved it back in among the others.

"I'm lost!" I called to you. My plea was desperate.

"Yes, you are." You agreed, calmly.

"Won't you take me home again?" Quieter, fearful.

"It wouldn't do you any good little girl."

There was silence between us. A long drawn out silence. I struggled again, in the mud, pulling crawling, scratching, crying. Still I only sunk deeper. The part of you that still had a finger on my words, that part? That part of you whispered in my ear.. "Don't struggle." I was instantly soothed. Falsely lulled.

"Take me home! I cannot be here, I think I am not supposed to be here!" I begged you again, the wind was picking up,, whipping at my hair and I saw my pink ribbon teased from your pocket, barely holding on. If it blew away I'd turn to dust.

"It won't do you any good, little girl.. I already changed the lock."

And then you turned your back on me. Left me there in my coat of shame and humiliation. I was dirty here, all the shiny coating of me was worn away. My sparkle had dimmed. Surely I would die here now, lost forever to the dark nothing of your shadow world.

Something squeezed my heart, made me gasp and the part of you that cupped my words, that part that ached for yesterday.. that part of you dropped a lock pick in the mud before me.

And left me with a puzzle.. and a stop watch.

"Didn't you know, Asria?!"

I did not cry. A small thing for women with thicker skin then I, but something important for me. I did not cry. I left Lei with Tarra, I have been encouraging Lei to talk to that woman more but I suppose was not a good night for that. I felt Leis angry eyes on me as I walked from the fires with Fonce. In fact.. I felt a lot of angry eyes. I hugged my son closer to my chest and did not look back.

We did not go far, a lane or two away. Fonce was limping and probably shouldn’t have even been up around so quickly. We were both.. tired, tonight. We were both looking at the same picture and seeing different things. Fonce and I are not alike; we do not deal with anything even remotely alike. I rarely like how he handles things and he thinks I am too.. open. I appreciate that our connection, however messy it may be, is based on things that run deeper then the surface, things not seen by everyone.

Trust on the other hand, is not up for debate, I thought. I was angry at him for his sudden decision and the way it was told to me and my daughter. Like having a tack set on your wagon step just waiting for a wiggly ass to sit upon it. Not a fun surprise. But I trust Fonce, with my life, with my children’s lives. With our hearts.

It turned out that trust was the very thing offered up for debate and my own feminine anger, a soft blush color, was overwhelmed by his own anger, a dark bloody red color. My openness, my need to share without filter, without worry.. Infuriates him. The ease with which I say things makes his shoulders tense.

My inability to shut up and be simple for him, easy to understand, easy to just.. be.. makes him want to hurt me.

"I did this because I do not think Ayguili will beat the shit out of you."

It was the third time he has used bad words around me, and the first time he did not apologize. I was watching him mentally cut the cord while I slowly came to understand why. Because I was Asria, mate of Trayu.. Mother to Lei and First Son of Trayu, because I was still the Madonna, I was still on the too tall pedestal.. and if I kept slipping.. he was capable of hurting me.

I do not think the Ubar will be there for me the way Fonce has been. How could be he be? How could anyone fill those shoes for me? He has a dozen women under his care and I am the least of his worries. I'm an adult, I have children, and I can take care of myself when I must. Ayguili is unlikely to even know I am there. Which is exactly how it should be. A far cry from being under the wing of Fonce, who is my friend above all else.

Love. How could I be angry when all this strangeness came down to love and keeping me safe? If being safe and loved meant I had to sit naked on a cold marble column then . so be it. There I would sit until everything else faded away. Or I learned how to .. censor myself for him.

"There are many kinds of love." I told him.

"Yes, there are." He agreed, staring at me with a slightly.. exasperated look?

".. and you love me?" It was hardly a question. it felt so good to 'get it' for once, to not be confused!

"Didn't you know, Asria?"

And I hugged him, gently! Peppermint filled up my head and nearly made me sneeze. I dropped the subject entirely then. I would go and be a good girl for the Ubar, hopefully I would finally be taken more seriously, though I was frightened to be without his hand to hold.. everyone needs to be pushed out the nest eventually, right?

We chatted about his arm, skies that poor arm! and he promised to explain who the.. bitch was, later. And I told him I did want him to speak to Lei, now that I had knew what was going on and I would be prepared for whatever she might take away from him. Fonce leaves indelible marks on my little girl, you know. I only kept her away tonight because of the not knowing, the shock of it all. Really my permission is meaningless, I told him, she'd sneak out like a teenager and ransack his wagon to find him. Pint size indignation!

We walked back slowly and I grinned, I was grinning for awhile last night. I marched right up to the Ubar to present my son, first. As a prospect to the first fires it was the most important thing to do after he was born, presenting him to the Ubar.

But I have no idea how much that question would dog my steps tonight...

"Didn't you know, Asria?" Because apparently.. I had not known ...enough.

Naughty words

I couldn't stand another moment tucked away in the wagons, especially after moving. I was so eager to be settled again, near the stream and peaceful. I had not been feeling very peaceful and that was no way to begin First Son of Trayu's life.

It was Lei who wanted to go to the fires and show off the baby. She was excited and jumpy, bouncing around me until I laughed and gave in. She was a force you just couldn't ignore.

"I want to show everyone my brother." She declared but I knew who, specifically, she meant. I was a little less eager. Showing Fonce my son would only put me right beck where I had been.. on a pedestal, the eternal Madonna. My feet had not yet touched the ground you know.. my toes dangled there, teasing him, brushing the grass. But every time I got close to hopping down to be just like everyone else.. he shoved me right back up their again.

I had no idea that tonight he would tie to me to the marble column in our minds that kept me out of reach and.. untouchable.

I bundled the baby who, like Lei had been and like I was, was quiet, he rarely cried and he seemed to adapt well to strangers. My other hand held my daughters hand and on the way to the fires I began to tell her the story of the night she was born. If you knew Trayu at all, then you know that was one fantastic tale. Sadly.. I'd not get to tell her much tonight because we were cut off by the sudden pounding of the drums and.. the looks. People were staring at us.

The whole world stopped and I felt the breath sucked out of my chest, my hand tightened on Leis who was trying to cling to my skirts. "What is it, Mama?" She asked in a high pitched way. Her stressed voice. She understood the drums as well as I but was slower to let it sink in. "I.. I don't know." I told her honestly as I turned my green eyed gaze down on her. I could see the little storms behind her eyes. The inability to comprehend right away. Children react too swiftly to things; they often do not want too many details because they can only see one thing. Like the boots, like throwing away perfectly good boots without understanding everything. We looked at each other silently, letting the drums repeat once and then fade. The ground shifted under my feet. I saw it begin in her eyes,

"Fonce is a dirty bastard." She declared, defensively. A woman walking past us gasped and my cheeks brightened. I never smacked my daughter but I wanted to then, Oh I wanted too. "Don't say that, Lei. We do not know what’s happened yet."

Lei pulled at my hand, trying to leave me. "Let me go! I want to talk to him!" Really, I needed this scene. The humiliation of his publicly broadcasted decision blindsiding me wasn’t enough.. I needed my daughter to shout at me too. I tugged on her arm and crouched down. Everlasting patience had no limits, I reminded myself. Twice.

"Stop it!” I whispered. “I will speak to him first. You are too angry and to young. This is for adults Lei so you just stop it and wait and see." Lei glared at me. I had said the wrong thing.. for adults only. Fonce wouldnt have told her that. He talked to her about the things she did not bring to me, I suppose she needed that.. an adult that was not a parent that would listen without being.. well, a parent.

Lei said nothing else, at all, for the rest of the night. My daughter always goes silent when she is upset or worried. She turns things inward and either lets the steam build or turns the problem over until she solves it. I do not know which path she was taking tonight, I wouldn’t have tried to invalidate either one.

"When I see him tonight," and I intended to wait all night if I had too "I will ask him to explain this.. change, all right? I am sure there is a very good reason for it, Lei. Surely.. there is."

We made our way to the fires then and Lei turned herself into the watchful sister, I could see her struggling to not get upset. I hoped she learned to cope with these things better then I did. I hoped she saw the reassurance I tried to give her with my eyes.

I hoped she believed me more then I did.

A midsummer nights dream

Over hill, over dale,
Thorough bush, thorough brier,
Over park, over pale,
Thorough flood, thorough fire!
I do wander everywhere,
Swifter than the moon's sphere;
And I serve the Fairy Queen,
To dew her orbs upon the green;
The cowslips tall her pensioners be;
In their gold coats spots you see;
Those be rubies, fairy favours;
In those freckles live their savours;
I must go seek some dewdrops here,
And hang a pearl in every cowslip's ear.

William Shakespeare

Look up, Asria!

"Babies are bits of star-dust blown from the hand of God. Lucky the woman who knows the pangs of birth for she has held a star.” Larry Barretto

"Mezoo!" Lei cried, her bright shiny face was panicky. That was all she said, her name in a certain, tense way. Five years old and Lei already knew the language of a woman’s tone. Mezoo would take her hand and come with her. Behind them came Astar and Oren.

When they arrived I was sweaty and hot. I had put it off too long, pretending I had time. Yes I have done this before.. but anyone who says that makes it easier is out of their head. I knew what to expect.. I knew how much this would hurt. "Astar.." I whimpered her name like I was the five year old and then she was at my side, her hand in my own.

"The healer is at the love wars." She told me. "We are here for you."

I saw Oren taking a place at the steps of my wagon and I was comforted by the protection she would give us now. Oren would be like a dragon guarding us, keeping the women inside safely cut off from the rest of the world. I knew she would stare down the Ubar himself to keep us safely ensconced.

"I know what to do." Mezoo told me calmly, it had been part of her training and Astar smiled at me reassuringly. I did not dare to ask if she had only been told or had any practice yet. I would simply trust. None of us had spoken about this before.. But like players in a game of chess we all instinctively knew our places. Astar lifted my head and shoulders and slipped behind me. My back leaned against her chest and she held my hands over my belly, my head leaned back on her shoulder and I shut my eyes in between, floating in a hazy world of intense feminity and sisterhood. It is impossible to explain in the meager words of language, in order to fully tell you how that feels I would have to cut my heart open and seal you up inside of it, you see.

Lei was watching with wide eyes but she was not fearful, her gaze was dark and bright at the same time. She knelt beside me and watched my face like she was reading a book. Astar kissed my temple and now and then ran a cool wet cloth over my cheeks and my throat as she spoke soothing words in my ear.

I pushed. I cried. Astar soothed and Mezoo.. after several attempts to dispel the child from my womb... calmly spoke.. "Lei.. go ask someone to help you find some yarrow." Lei would gravitate to Fonce though because she was distressed by the dismissal from her brothers birth. She knew it meant something bad.

"But Mezoo I.." she began, her voice beginning to whine.

"Now, Lei." Mezoo told her, firmly. In the midst of my pain I was struck by her.. Mezoo will be a good mother. I started to tell her so much another arch of pain ripped though me and I screamed.. unlike before. They were growing worse now.. Lei rose, her chin trembling and hurried outside. She rushed past Oren and towards Fonces wagons.

Mezoo and her mother exchanged a look over my head, my chest was heaving and I did not feel it... The puddle between my thighs. Blood, I was bleeding, I was crying.. I was fading in and out of the slipstream of consciousness. Astar spoke to me, over and over again, encouraging, waking. I tried to focus on Mezoo, to see her but everything was watery, the world was underwater. How soothing, I thought.. It doesn’t hurt here. Every time I started to drift there though.. Astar would pinch me hard and speak in my ear.. Mezoo would shout something and I'd come back, open my eyes and feel Astars hands on my own.

Why wouldn’t they leave me be? Why were they ruining everything?! I wanted to go under the water, they were supposed to be my friends!

Drift..

"Asria!"

No.. drift.. please..

"ASRIA!"

I shut them out and then felt a sudden rush of air and space and the scent of cherry blossoms surrounded me like a sweet cocoon. Oh Happiness! Like I had not felt in so long, the emotion I so often tried to fabricate when I did not feel it. "Asria.." he whispered in my ear. All the color of the world bloomed into three dimensional life. I felt his arms slid around me from behind and I melted into his embrace. I did not dare turn to look at him. Trayu. I knew if I looked he would be gone. If I looked I would see the flatness of my vision. He was only allowed the corners of my vision, haunting the corners, forever my shadowy lover. "Asria.." He said again, more urgently. "Look .. up.." The sky was pink! Pink and sweet and fluffy and then, in the blink of an eye it was midnight blue and littered with stars... "Look up!" Trayu called.. far away now..laughing as a star fell. Like a feather on the wind it tumbled down from the sky to my outstretched hands. I held it there.. so brightly that it burned me.. the kind of burn I wanted to feel forever.. I pulled my hands closer, hardly breathing as the star glowed and glowed..

"Asria!" Astar was crying in my ear and I opened my eyes like a shot, I gasped and screamed, trying to sit up.. Oh sweet skies what was going on? "Trayu!" I cried for him, confused by his absence.. by the blood all over my dress.. my floor.. Mezoos hands.. Mezoos hands.. holding the slick shiny form of my child. "Trayu.." I repeated, softer now as Astar held me and I cried.. The baby was not crying. Mezoo knelt there, rubbing his tiny chest, I could see the cord between us pulsing with life and slowly, so slowly fading..

"Just wait.. wait.." Astar whispered, her hands were so tight on mine.. Where was my star? I was still all mixed up between two spaces, two worlds..

"Where is my star?" I asked them, sobbing softly.

And then.. the baby gulped in a breath.. and shrieked with the all indignation of birth..of being ripped from his warm wet home and thrust into the cold harsh world of us. We cried, all of us.. Oren I saw had entered and stood by the wagons flaps.. there were people behind her but I could not see who. Words, and the screams I suppose, had traveled fast between the wagons. There was a relieved cheer as my son cried, loud and strong. Mezoo brought him to me, still cradled in Astars slender arms. She was still cleaning him and wrapping him as I brought him to my breast.

"He is so beautiful.." Someone spoke.. Mezoo was between my thighs again, Oren was closing in on us and I tore my eyes from my suckling son to the women.. there was such confusion there for me. "I did not swallow the star." I told them..

And then.. the world turned black.

Is that what you wanted?

Only yesterday I was thinking how I rarely ever get angry. How I always let things roll off my back. it turns out I was giving my own life a little ironic foreshadowing.. because today, I got .. mad.

There have been subtle pains arching across my belly for 2 days now, perhaps brought on by the walk in the markets, or the sudden fear I had felt last night, or maybe just the excitement of the Love Wars. Maybe it was just closing in on Time. The whys do not matter, the pain is there. Lei has been sticking close to me. She can sense it.

She and I went to the fires tonight to go and see Fonce, she wanted to show him her doll and I wanted to show him my wagon, or at least step back into his comfortable wingspan. There was a place there for me and I felt like I had slipped a little to far to the left.

I wish I could calm down enough to remember how it happened. I was happy, I was smiling. Fonce seemed.. like himself again and I was going to ask him if he had seen the paintings. That’s when they started in on him. Silken and Seveya, two women who I thought cared for him. I had only recently learned of his aversion to the topic but I didn’t think it actually applied to being pregnant.. Women are pregnant all over the place on the plains of course, he doesn’t avoid that.. only the discussions of birth. The act of it. I do not know why and I won’t be asking yet. I will just respect the space a person needs to deal with certain things. Private things.

Silken was, I think only trying to frighten me, tease me about a baby being born backwards or something. Women could die from that sort of thing.. women have and, honestly, I could too. I was comfortable though, I had been seeing a healer of the outer wagons, who lived close to me. She had assured me that things were progressing well. My son was shifting into the lower part of my belly. Perhaps that’s what got her going, the fact that I had dropped.

The thing was that she kept going and Seveya jumped right in, asking questions and egging her on.. and laughing. I saw it coming like an ambling bosk, but with a purpose.

Birth, Babies, Blood.

Fonce rose and left. leaving my daughter bewildered and worried, leaving me without the answers to questions I had been unable to ask. I rose quickly and took Leis hand, I did not wish them well as I left and I hardly realized Mezoo had arrived.

I was angry and I did not like it, not one little bit! I did not return to the fires that night, the tightening I had felt was growing in intensity. By the time the fires were dying.. I already knew and Lei, wide eyed and trying to be brave ran to fetch the healer..

But she returned with Mezoo.

Squint.

The love game is never called off on account of darkness. ~Tom Masson

Darkness. It flirts at the edges of my vision when I look too hard at Fonce. Fat, shadowy hands that threaten to grab hold of his light and suck it down deep, where I can’t see it anymore. I wish I could find a way to tell him that.

"I'm sorry I can't look to long, if I do you might get eaten up by the shadow monster in my mind."

Everyone has one you know, no matter how sunny and bright and shiny they are. Everyone has a boogie man just waiting on the edges of your existence to find a crack in your veneer and slink inside.. and suck out your soul. There is only one way I know of to stop up the gap and keep in the light.

Fake it.

So when Fonce hurts me, when he lashes out at me for small things, for my not so quiet reminders, for my patience.. I have to assume that there is more then me going on up inside of his head. I have to think that other things are swirling around up there, egging on his boogie man. I have too.. or else my veneer will crack.

There was so much hope in my eyes when we spoke.

“I .. do not know you Asria
I have never thought of you .. like that
I know nothing about you .. in a personal way
you do not know me.”

All in one breath. I was mentally scrambling to hold on to my sunshine. Letting those things take up residence inside of me. But right then.. They weren’t so bad, they were the truth, right? We needed time; I had other fish to fry so to speak. I was just showing him my pink ribbon.

"Do you want to know me Fonce? You will have to speak to my guardian you know and he is a terrible brute!" I grinned.

He smirked at me and agreed, that yes.. he was. Which might have been a warning to me. He was a brute and I was checking how sharp his claws where with the soft underbelly of my heart.

"There is no woman that I am pursuing right now that I have found any kind of focus on." More truth, things he had said before, things I knew. It pleased me and sat heavily on my shoulders. "I have very little faith in though .. I would be a liar if I said any differently. I do not .. believe you ... I have no basis to have that kind of belief."

"Faith in me, Fonce?" I asked quickly and with surprise.

"I do not think you are a liar .. I do not think you say an untruth. I have no faith in the words."

"You think I am confused? That I do not realize the weight of what I am saying or the choices I am trying to make?"

He said that wasn’t it at all. It was just those words and I realized how many times he had heard similar words from women, women who pushed, rushed, cajoled, teased, forced, shouted, threw things and were genuinely baffling. Women who were.. women. Little bits of understand filtered though my personal haze of emotional protection. Yes, I said haze.. I have no sturdy walls to keep out .. feelings. Just a foggy haze with my heart at the center.

I told him I wanted him to know those kinds of things about me, that he could ask, that I wanted him to ask because I was always doing all the asking, the worrying.

"And you could tell me .. or I can learn them. And I learn them .. with time

"Are you trying to brush me off?" I squinted a little at him. I was teasing him. Tonight I would learn though that my attempts at keeping conversations to light hearted.. were not always best.

Fonce.. changed, like a glimmer in the middle of the desert.. one moment he was there and the next.. someone else was. Everything inside of me tensed up, clutched and I held my breath. I think Fonce, for a moment, wanted to hurt me for saying too much. I think he could have hurt me. I watched him intensely; the widening of my gaze was subtle. He was my friend, and then my enemy in the space of a heartbeat.

A moment later he was my protector again.

People often forget, I notice, about Fonce. Oren has spoken to me..in her spooky, ominous way, about him. Trayu too had said things now and then. Little hints, whispered rumors. There was tragedy in that man that deserved to be acknowledged.. but oh so carefully. To ignore what bubbled under his skin was to ignore who he really was.

"I will be at the fires .. Asria" I couldn't recall ever seeing that in him before, not so close up, not.. for me. It would have been easier for me if he had hurt me, pushed me down in the dirt and called me a name. It would have been so much easier.

"Fonce.. please don't walk away."

But he did.

He walked away to keep me safe and.. to teach me a lesson. Time. Just as I wanted to tread carefully into his world, he would tread carefully into mine. Time. We would both need time.. and a torch to light up the darkness.

And then what happened?!

The merchant smirked at me and Pei, realizing the joke was dangerously close to going dangerously wrong stopped laughing and took my hand to pull us away from the slaver. I was bright pink!

"That was not very nice." I huffed under my breath as he rather forcefully led me away.

He grinned, obviously amused with himself. "I am sorry Asria, it was only a joke."

I rolled my eyes a little but after a moment I smiled again. Bad moods, grudges and other cruddy type feelings never stuck with me very long. Once apologies were made I was quick to forgive. This was a well known fact about me. A perfect example was how quickly I had forgotten about the accusations made against me. Yamka had apologized and we were the good friends again. I was a happy sort of women, the surface of me was shiny bright and fluid. You had to have a very long reach to find my depths. Still waters run deep. Pei knew this, of course, and knew he could play a joke on me and still gain swift forgiveness. Some might call me a sucker. Those people will never be as.. vivid as I can be though.

"I will buy you another frozen ice thing." he offered.

"Oh me too! Me too!" Lei spoke up at last. She held onto emotions longer then I did. While my daughters emotions ran just as deep as my own.. her waters were not as still. The great deal of time she had been spending around Fonce was offsetting all the calming influence I had on her.

I grinned and helpfully gestured to the man we had dubbed the Icy Man. The rest of the day at the markets was less eventful. Though we were witness to a rather amusing fight between an Arian man and a Turian. I knew nothing of this Arian place but he was not much unlike the Turian. They fought over spilled silver coins. It was madness.

We made our way back to the Tribe slowly, savoring the last of the sunshine on a happy day. I was anxious to talk to the others to see what they had found among the stalls and goods. So, once Pei left us and our things were put away, Lei and I hurried to the fires to find our friends. Silken gave Lei a lolly pop again which kept her quiet for a good hour. I sat with Fonce and tried to engage everyone in talk of the markets.

What a mistake! They thought I was .. strange for having enjoyed it there. I wanted to ask why they had bothered to come if it wasn’t for the chance to trade for the goods we could not make ourselves? But I am reminded of my place as a prospect and that the very word must bind my toungue. I hope no one thought I admired the people of the walled city. I hope no one thought anything ill of me at all! I stopped talking about it.

Instead.. I foolishly tried to speak to speak to Fonce.

To market, To market....

Pei was the lucky guy who got elected (drafted?) into taking me to the markets. I had considered going alone for about a second. I was eager to see the Turians and trade, yes. But this did not mean I was there to make friends or that I trusted them. Once I would have laughed at the idea of someone snatching a pregnant woman to enslave her in the city but that was before Fonce made his silly little 'twofer' joke. With pretty little Lei at my hip we were totally a buy one get two free group of cuteness. So I asked for an escort. I was glad it was not Fonce, who had far too much sense to be a good shopping partner. I could just imagine how that would go..

"Oh Fonce look! A pink blanket!"

Fonce would be busy looking at some half naked slut or glaring down young Turian Warriors. "How many blankets do you really need Asria?" Without even looking.

And I would mutter and agree and put the blanket back.

So not fun!

So when Pei showed up to escort me I was pleased as punch to hook my arm in his and let Lei dance around him, telling him of all the awesome things she was going to get and how their names sounded the same, like one of my poems or riddles. Pei was good with my daughter, with most kids actually. All of our goods to trade were piled high on his Kaila but out of deference to me he led the beast by the reigns.

We reached the markets early and I could hardly contain myself. Lei was antsy as I held her hand too tightly, She wanted to run off and touch things, pick them up and gasp.. much like I did actually. Most of the morning was quiet.. we sampled a few interesting dishes being sold.. Steamed meat wrapped up in the husk of a vegetable with a heavy, spicy sauce. Frozen shaved ice with colored syrups pored over the top and held in paper cups that fell apart and let the colored juice run down your arm. We ate fried things and raw things and sipped exotic teas and fresh milks. I bought some flaky pasty like bread to bring back to Astar and meat pies with spiced peppers for Fonce. I still wanted to find things for Cana and also and Mezoo and a hundred other people but Pei jokingly remarked that his kaili was not as strong as I might need to carry it all back!

Pei stopped at a slavers stall, which seemed to me to be superfluous at the Love Wars but I suppose not everyone could fight for a woman. Some had to purchase. They were lovely women all chained in a coffle. Some of them were proud, I could tell but just as many were frightened and unsure, one was crying and sputtering in a language I did not know. The slaver was a slender man, tall and thin and sallow looking. He and Pei spoke of the crying girl; she had brightly colored yellow hair.

I still had to find dolls and fabrics and was discussing this with Lei when my attention was pulled back to the two men. The slaver had called me interesting to look at. They were looking at me! The slaver was .. studying.. Pei was grinning.

"She would do, does the child come with her?" Said the slaver.

"What are you willing trade me for them, Turian?" Said Pei.

".. excuse me?!" Said I. Lei growled at the man and I was already comsidering how long it woudl take for my quiva to reach his throat.

And that was when...

-Cliff hanger-

Let me give you a push!

There is nothing more satisfying then hearing my name called with the need of friendship. I was half asleep when Mezoo came clambering up to my wagon on her Kaiili. As little as I had ridden before I missed it now that I simply could not. I crawled out to the platform groggily and grinned at her.

"Skies your going to wake the dead." I scolded her laughingly.

I had a feeling I knew what this was about. Mezoo looked radiant, I would have given anything to look like she did right then, to feel as complete and wonderful as she had to be feeling.

She tied off her mount and hopped onto the wagon steps with me, I pushed over but we sat close together. Neither of us would be going to sleep anytime soon and it was just as well.. we had much to discuss!

Mezoo filled me in from the first glance to the last goodbye and I think I was nearly as giddy about her life as she was! I thought the decisions she had made were wise.

Later I even told her about the things I had told Fonce and how I felt. I needed to tell someone.. someone who would not judge or accuse or assume. Someone who would just smile and be glad I still had the ability in me to feel this way.

Even here though I will not share the whispers between friends.. Some things are too precious and too intimate to share.

Love wars!

I love the Love Wars! I can't imagine why any Tuchuk, or Turian for that matter wouldn't. I love seeing all the people in their strange and sometimes funny clothes. I like hearing the merchants hawking their sometimes absurd wares. I like the catcalling I hear between men and women and the good natured flirting. There is energy during the days we spend there, mingling with strangers, that I have never felt anywhere else.

I was so excited to get going that I was eager to help hitch up the bosk though I spent more time getting in the way of over protective men then anything else. I have given up trying to convince people that being pregnant and alone is not a deathly ailment. I cherish the concern my friends have for me and my family.

On this journey I would not walk much or ride at all. Instead I would mostly sit on the platform, watching the people behind us, my face flush with anticipation. I had been telling all our friends.. Astar, Mezoo, Fonce and even Rosalita how excited I was to be going. To see all the things to see and, for the first time in my life.. negotiate trade on my own.

Lei and I had been hurrying to gather things to trade, blankets we had made and some pottery. I wanted silk ribbons and cotton batting for pillows. I wanted pieces of wood for stretching leather and a newer kettle. I wanted some flat sheets of copper to make lamps out of and a metal punch to make designs in it. I was hoping as well, to come across some pretty things. I had seen tapestries last year that I had just adored but had never been able to duplicate just the way the Turians had. The year keepers would be meeting with the Turians to discuss important things. I wanted to join them, even if only to listen and learn.

"Will they have wooden dolls?" Lei asked me as she inspected her new, and much less pretty, boots.

"Perhaps, would you like one?" I gave her a curious look. Lei did not often want the same things other little girls wanted, things I would have wanted at her age.

"Yes, please." She said quietly, like it was a secret. I grinned and kissed the top of her head.

"Then we will find one just right for you."

We sat in silence for a bit, my thoughts thick with the impending birth of my son and with the disappointment I was feeling about who would be there. My wishes were not often denied, and I did not normally ask for anything quiet as large as I had asked Fonce. It had hurt to be told no but.. I had come to understand. I supposed, with a sigh, that I would have said no if I were him as well. Maybe it was for the best.. Maybe those first few moments of my sons life are better spent with only Lei and I. Given the time to consider things I almost always saw reason and the other persons point. I simply could not be rushed to such conclusions and certainly not forced.

I am a Tuchuk woman after all. I will see things in my own way, in my own time.

My Girl

Of all the things in my world that matter, Lei matters the most. Sometimes I wondered if she truly understood that. I was watching her crouched near the waning fire, eating the remnants of a fruit paste smeared bread and humming to herself. It was not music I had heard before but I did not interrupt her to ask. She was using the broken half of an arrow to draw something in the earth.

"Mother." She spoke first and I stopped in my task of hanging wet blankets to dry. I turned to look at her, the breeze tugging at my skirt and the ribbon in my braid. They were still the leaf green ones Cana had given me, they matched the leaf green pendant Tarra had given me. "Yes?" I replied.

"I have decided to claim Also as my mate." She informed of her intentions with the kind of surety most adults (That means you Fonce) can barely imagine having.

To my credit as a mother, her mother, I did not laugh. "Is Also aware of your intentions?" I asked her seriously.

"No, I will tell him when he gets his first scar." Spoken in that Miss Know It All way she had that was more adorable then annoying.

"Perhaps you should.. seek his mothers permission first." I threw Cana under the wagon there, sorry my friend!

Lei was silent for a moment and then nodded. "I will do that. I will tell Fonce too."

Sex roles? Apparently my daughter was going to trash them all to hell. I worried, briefly, of her future and the day when some man would knock her down from her high horse. Some stupid warrior would insist on giving her a lesson on her .. place in the world. My chest tightened.

"Did you ask Daddy’s mother to let him claim you?" She stopped drawing now to look up at me. I hesitated and then put down the washing. I neared her and reached for her hand. When she stood we walked towards the vibrant wagon we had created and I began to, very softly, tell her about the night her father claimed me.

I did not mention what an impossible ass he was or that he had ringed me against my will and taken away any chance I might have had to be anyone else. What I told my daughter was a proper love story. I tried, in vain, to explain the kind of big feelings the paintings made me feel about her father. I explained about the water and the sand.. together and apart.

She seemed so.. sad for me and I hated that. I wanted to reassure her, to tell her that she nor I had died that day with Trayu. That it was okay to feel again. That.. I already did feel again. And if my feelings for Fonce had been any less sincere.. I would have told her. I would have let her be my little whispering birdie.

In the end though.. I only spoke of possibilities and one days. I tied her raggedly sandals on her little feet and took her hand again.

"Lets go see what there is to see at the first fires." I smiled at her.

"We have to hurry up and move to where Also is so we can practice being mates."

"Uh.. right."

Skies, I wondered, how concerned should I be?!

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix for ever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle—
Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdain'd its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea—
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?

-Shelley

Stomping boots

Being a little girl, Lei had more then one pair of shoes. Though, unfortunately she had only pair of boots. Much of the time I let her run around barefoot close to the wagon. She had expressed a desire to 'Feel the grass grow up between my toes and whisper to me.' that I could not ignore. When she skipped down the lanes to find Also or Fonce or Cana she often wore little leather sandals that I had made for her. They were falling apart though and getting too small.

Things had been quiet for her and I lately and I preferred it that way. No one had pointed a finger in my direction and I had kept to my friends. I had spent time with Tug, who was still working on that rope I didn’t even need. At this point though I don’t think that mattered. He would make me a rope if it took him a year! Also and Lei spent a lot of time together, running back and forth between our wagons and Canas and spending much discussion on how much fun it would be when we moved our wagons to the those of the First Wagons household. I did not have the heart to tell them that was only an If. Not everyone was invited to be of the Ubars household, of the First Fires. And as far as Year keepers went, Tayran had me beat by a mile! Which was really all right with me.

It was one of those conversations the children were having as I checked on the milk I was boiling over the fire. Lei was telling Also about an adventure she wanted to go that sounded..

"And then we will borrow my mothers Kaiila and ride out to where the larls live. You can be the look out and I will go in and slay the beast!" Lei told him with a silent dare to challenge her. I heard a rare laugh from her friend and I smiled to myself.

"Maybe tomorrow, Lei." He told her calmly.

"Oh, okay." She shrugged. My daughter was exhaustingly energetic and stuffed full of so many ideas and plans that it was a wonder her head did not thud like a drum to the ground from holding it up all inside of her.

"Let’s go see your mother working." Which seemed to the next best thing to hunting larls? Also nodded though and they both got to their feet..

"Wait, Lei.. If you are going to the kaiila pens you need to wear your boots."

How was I to know the horror of what I had just said? The night Fonce spoke to the children Lei had come home late and alone. She had crawled into the wagon where I was waiting and hugged me. I knew that she had spoken to him but I had not pressed her into telling me how it had gone. All she was willing to give was...

"It's private, mother."

We curled up together that night and every night since then. Lei was acting a little overly protective of me lately. I assume she is worried about the baby. Every time I went to the first fires she insisted on tagging along. What did she think she could protect me from there? Bad stew? The whole thing was bordering on the irritating so it was nice to be able to be the adult in our relationship again. Lei was just looking at me.

"Boots, now." I pointed my spoon at the place by the wagon steps where I expected to see her boots.

"I do not have any boots." She explained matter of factly.

I noticed Also suddenly become very interested in Tugs rope making skills.

"Of course you do, Yamka made you a lovely pair of boots, where are they?"

"Well Mother, I threw them in the stream. Fonce said it was a healthy expression of my anger." Lei is five on the outside, but twenty five on the inside.

I just stared. "I.. What?"

Lei sighed at my silly grown up obsession with making sense. "I threw them away because they are not magic boots Mother, they are liar boots."It was glaringly obvious I should have known that.

"Lei.. You cannot throw away perfectly good boots, well made boots even. Yamka is of the first fires, you are lucky to have such a talented leather worker mak-"

"I said I do not want liar boots!" She shouted at me, really shouted! I was stunned into slack jawed silence. People in neighboring wagons paused to look over at us.

Lei stood there, her hands on her hips, looking quite distressed at my apparent lack of understanding on the very important matter of.. boots.

"I want stomping boots." She said this quietly, her gaze firmly meeting mine.

"Asria.." A gentle hand touched my arm and I turned my head to meet the calm and reassuring gaze of Mezoo's mother, Aster. "If it is all right I know a leather work that does good work. Perhaps I could take Lei to meet him this afternoon."

"That would be all right." Lei answered for me. I smiled though and hugged her. While our men had been distant cousins and we had long since been neighbors, there was an age difference in Astar and I that had kept us from growing too close. I regretted that often. I would have liked to have a mother like her. I would have liked to be a mother like her.

"That would be wonderful." I admitted as I let go of her shoulders. "Perhaps you could take her now? Right now?" I asked. Astar chuckled and understood my silent plea for peace.

"All right, come along little barefoot Tuchuk." She held out her hand and Lei took it solemnly. "By the way Asria, your wagon looks wonderful." There was a touch of sadness in her words though. Astar understood the language I had painted in. I do not think she has begun to speak it as well though.

As they left I sat down slowly on my wagon steps. Tug found some reason to skedaddle which was best.. He was learning quickly to run from women who looked about to be messy and sticky with emotion.

I couldn't be angry at Fonce for telling Lei about what Yamka had said, I had after all been glad that he did it for me. And I couldn't blame my daughter for her righteous anger. I admired her a little for it. It was harder for me to be angry like that. To express it so neatly. Lei was angry, she felt wronged.. So she did something about it that was immediate and quick. I smiled a little, my arms draped over my knees. I wished I had something that I could attach my irritation, my shame and humiliation too.. and then just throw it away.

I wished I was more like my daughter.

Goodbye! Hello!

After Fonce left us ladies to our work (Though I know he chuckled!) Lei and I looked at each other with our own grins growing. Today was a day for reconnection, for bonding. Today I would not cry.

Lei ran to me and wrapped her arms around my thighs, her face buried in my hip. She said nothing but it was all there. Today we were saying goodbye to her daddy. Today we were turning the straps that held us to him into the spider web fine threads of the past. We were not, let me clarify, letting him go. Not ever. But in order for people to move on.. they must shut some doors. I laid my hand to her hair and soothed her.

I should have asked Fonce to send catch and red over later. Lei and I were surely going to make a mess. We had amassed every color under the rainbow, mixing new colors from the powders, the dried berries and insects ground into dust and then thickened with water. Paint could be a disgusting thing to make. But so much fun! Most of what we had we collected form friends, and some I got for the Artisan clan fires. The rest was stuff we had on hand and what we made. The brushes too were made mostly from our own Bosk's hair, I preferred bristles from the tail. We had a small basketful from the Artisans as well, who had taken pity on my poor naked wagon and invested these metal wrapped brushes from the cities.

Yesterday our friends had been by, talking and laughing filling up my soul again as they helped put down the base coat, smoothing down the wrinkles and making the leather more taut. Lei and I had watched and helped and felt a strong reminder that life does go on. Love never dies. It was a regular party at our place! Even Cana and Mezoo poked around I think. Today we were ready to begin and we had not asked for help.

This was a family affair. Trayus girls.

The images all had to do with water. Water washes the soul clean, gives new life to the frail and heals us like nothing else can. It feed us, waters us, and sustains us. Water is where I feel most at home.

Some of the images were bright watery ribbons of color. A color for every memory of him, every emotion he ever inspired in me. A color for his love and his kisses and a color for the mad jealousy he was too quick to feel. A color for the glimmer in his eyes late at night under the stars. A color for the smiles we shares. A color for our past and a color for my future.


On one panel I painted this image of a great wide river I could only imagine. The horizon is too far away to make out and there are great dark unknown spots in the water. This one is for Lei. For all her unknowns and all her unanswered questions. She will be sitting up there one day with such shapely legs and looking down at the world with a curiousity that could rival yours Trayu.

Our Daughter, Ubara of the Sky.


Lastly, right over the flaps.. I painted this. A great meeting in the sky of you and I. Because I am moving forward Trayu, but I am not doing it alone. You are never going to be forgotten, Your finger will always be on my heart.

Your oceans begin where my shore ends.


Lei and I worked all day; she helped on every picture, creating tiny imperfections that made them that much more perfect. Among the blue clouds was a smear of my daughter’s handprint.. When she cried about messing it up.. I pressed my own palm right next to hers. Call it the signature of a Tuchuk artist.. or two. Lei gasped at what I had done and then began to slowly giggle. I laughed with her and we sat down in the grass, looking up at our work as the sun went down over the top of it. Without thinking about the wet paint on my hand I hugged her...

"Mama! my blue dress!" She was so offended! I covered my mouth with my hand apologetically and... she laughed. I now had a smear of blue across my lips. I grinned and reached for her, smearing the same blue on her cheek and before you know it.. There were shrieks of laughter and indignant gasps echoing around us. Our dresses were a mess! There was paint everywhere, even in our hair.

Eventually we would leave the wagon and the mess and our hearts paintings and head for the stream to make some effort to clean ourselves up. While I was washing my own face and then Leis she spoke to me.

"Are you going to show Fonce?" it seemed a good question. But.. I still was not sure how Fonce felt about my painting as a .. thing I liked to do. I did not want to have to face the kind of hurt I felt when he was dissapointed in me. More then that though.. I knew he would be by tonight, or in the morning. He often came by to check on things. many times I was asleep or not even there. He would be unable to miss what we had done.

"I think, this is something he should see on his own, Lei." I answered her. I assumed she would not see what I did. But Lei was always surprising me.

"I think so too." And then ...she splashed me.

Expectations

"You will have to learn now, Asria." The Ubar had said this to me a while back and it has been stewing in my thoughts since then. I do not even recall what it was he thought I should learn to do for myself, but I do recall the very acute sense of panic I felt. A sudden sense of loss. I missed my father, my brothers and Trayu. I missed all the men who had made sure that I was taken care of.

I know people see me as being a bit spoiled and it has been true. I was my fathers only daughter and had 4 older brothers. My father was perhaps not as hard on my mother and I, as most Tuchuk men would be. He was honestly smitten with my mother and had spoiled her, later he spoiled me. My mother is actually still alive and I see her now and again.. but we rarely speak and I will say she is dead if you ask me about her. I have my secrets.

So I was saying, my father cherished me. When the idea was brought up of seeing me in the Love Wars my father was filled with pride, but loudly refused. He would not risk what could happen to me, he felt I was too soft, too sweet for certain.. truths. I can see now that he did me a little bit of a disservice. I do not grease axles, I rarely get very dirty. I have higher expectations of the men in my life then others do. When they make jokes at the fires about Fonce being .. afraid of my pregnancy I roll my eyes. I have expectations of my guardian and I will not allow him to skirt them easily. He will have to work very hard to let me down.

I can see it on the faces of his friends, they want to shield him from .. I don't know what. My baby? My expectations? The shiny look in my eyes? I suppose it is my expectations. I expect a lot from Fonce. I do not think I have asked him for very much, I have not had too. Doesn't that mean something? He does not seem to mind my expectations, nor Leis.

When we need meat, it appears. When we need salt, it shows up. Catch has been filling water barrels and washing clothing. Considering how little I want to be bent over the stream and sweaty right now I cannot thank her enough. I did come across something.. special for her though. I asked Fonces permission to give it to her.

While the Warrior and I do not have many conversations around the fires, I still see him every day.

Hello how are you, I have not forgotten what I said. Thank you for the salt. I want to feel your hand on elbow again, on my back. Have a nice day.

My expectations of him are mingling with my hopes of him. They are not one and the same but they do hold hands. They are friends. Hope and Expectation.

This morning I showed him the jars of paints and brushes and the ladder I would not be climbing (The Ubar needs more wheels) and Lei came out dancing and singing about what we were going to spend the day dong.

We are going to paint our naked wagon.

I .. hope the message is clear.

Love is never weakness

Cana and I sat at the fires by ourselves. Her presence comforts me and it is a comfort I desperatly need. I try not to let too many see it.. the overwhelming lonliness I feel. This is why I escape my own wagons to flee to the first fires. It is why I want to be accepted.

Cana asked me, warmly, how I was.

"Really well actually Cana, it's.. surprising how well I have been feeling. "

Here, I paused and looked at my friend, Lei was sleeping in my lap, her dark curls spilled over my arm.

"Cana... how are you?"

Her expression changed slightly, I do not think many would have noticed it. "Asria, I have good days and I have bad ones. I try to keep myself busy. I find if my hands are busy, then so is my mind."

She might as well have pulled that answer out of a Cracker Jack box o' bullshit. I let there be quiet between us again as I studied her face. She looked so tired. I did not envy her. My Trayu was gone forever, but it was final, I knew without doubt, he died for this tribe, for our family. There were no shadows cast on my life, no uncertaintanty. Cana had no closer and little reason to hope.. all she had, I think, was.. love.

"There will be songs sung about him, you know. I hear whispers that the year may be named for him. You have so much to be proud of and I know you are. Ba'atar's journey is easier because of you. Because you are here with his children, because you are here having faith. I promise he can feel that, he knows.... he will return safely because you .. have faith."

And that’s when I, Asria little mother of the Tuchuk.. made the Ubara cry. She tried not to, I watched the internal battle play out in her eyes and then she hugged me. I pressed Lei closer to me and wrapped my around Cana.

"Oh.. Cana.." I whispered, I did not envy her lonely throne. "Shh.. It is all right to cry for him. It.. is right to cry for him."

Canas tears fell slowly, in a very quiet way. She whispered. "I do not want to dishonor him by seeming weak."

We did not agree on this, I have always thought that a show of such strong emotions in a woman was like.. a gift. Ok so sometimes it was not the most pleasant gift but still.. a gift. It meant Look at me! Look how much you make me feel. Someone had told me once that to feel.. was a very good thing.

"You would dishonor him more by hiding this suffering. You suffer for him, what higher show of love is there then that? Many women would not hold as fast as you do Cana, Ubara of the Tuchuck." We spoke softly, I pressed my cheek to hers. Her tears made my own heart ache.

"A woman’s love is never a weakness."

I hope I am not wrong.

~~

A short while later I tried to tell her about my conversation with Fonce. I wanted her approval for my feelings, strangely enough. I needed Cana to tell me it was ok to feel what I felt as long as I did not try to blindfold myself. As long as I did not ignore what was right there in front of my face.

Just as I began though.. Fonce arrived with Yam and she asked to speak with me. This was another conversation I was eager to have. I wish I knew what had taken her so long! I slipped my daughter from my lap into Canas and followed the leather worker. She never smiled at me anymore and I had to wonder still.. What I had done to upset her? What had changed her mind about me? I remembered her making my little girl’s magic boots and I held her hand as she talked about having feelings for a man for the first time. I had defended her, helped her loosen her wagon during the move. I had told her how wonderful she was.

Still.. she never smiled at me, there was a wall I did not understand between us. I am not often so confused by relationships as I am by this one.

She made her apology.. sort of. It seemed rather forced and then she seemed to grow annoyed with how pleased I was to hear it. Interesting.

It seems sadly clear to me that Yam does not wish to be my friend and, while this hurts, while I am still at a loss as to what I have done.. I will do as she wishes and leave her alone. Perhaps she is just one of those people who prefer things that way. I have never lost a friend before.

I do not like it.

"Hold Still, Asria!"

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

During Seveyas ceremony I couldn't help but keep thinking back to my own. It was nothing as beautiful as this one was. I was not surrounded by women who loved me. I had only been 15 or 16 years old and my father had just passed away. One day he did not feel well and the next day he did not wake up. It was a frightening time around our wagons. Magda was going ballistic trying to ward off the evil spirits she was sure had crept into our home. My mother was not.. around then, and of my 4 brothers only one is left alive but he has gone to the cities on some quest for his clan that he wouldn’t tell me about. I was left to care for our father and to make sure no one found out about our mother.

I was too young, most people thought, to be left on my own after my fathers pyre. Those who knew us best also knew I was a bit spoiled for a woman of the plains. I was the only daughter, the baby and the favored. Tuchuk men love their daughters you know. Women are the mothers of the plains. I was a good daughter; I was well behaved and caring. When I say I was spoiled I do not mean I was at all bratty. I was thankful for the harder tasks which were often completed for me. I was eager to thank my father and my brothers however I could.

The clan was unsure what to do with me. I was too old to be taken in as a daughter for another family, but was I old enough to be ringed and mated? I was unsure of my future but I was complacent, young, and moldable. I would do what my elders thought was best for me. Fonce was the Ubar then and I only knew him in passing. Perhaps if I had gone to him then things would be different today.

I was waiting to hear what would happen, and I was not too terribly worried, I knew there were only three choices. I would be left on my own with all the help I could stand, I would be given to another family as a daughter or I would be ringed and given to Trayu who had just recently earned his first courage scars. (A story for another time I promise)

While I was waiting in my parents wagon.. Trayu was sitting with his own father at the clan fires, listening to the elders discuss me. There was briefly talk of sending me to the first fires as a year keeper to the Ubar, but then debate about how little interest I had taken in the colored pegs and wheel calendars.

What was brought up next, a fourth option, became the turning point in my life. It was what would spur Trayu into the panicky action of youth and a love that bordered on obsession. We were, after all, only teenagers.

"She is beautiful enough for the Love Wars." Spoke up one of Hectors sons. "I would fight for her."

Magda scoffed. "She has not been brought up for that." She was protective of me, even then.

"She could be trained, all women can be." Hectors son grinned. And no one said 'no' right away.

Perhaps a moment later they did say no, I will never know what was said. Perhaps they decided to send me to the Ubar to see if could be staked. I've never had the nerve to ask. Trayu, by that time, had already slunk away in the night. He had grabbed his older sister, who was as impetuous as he, and then... they came for me. I was still dressed for the day, having been expecting the Elders but I smiled when I heard Trayu and Lina. I stepped outside but before my feet hit the ground I was yanked up by the back of my dress and tossed over the front of Trayu's Saddle. He covered my mouth so my outraged scream would be muffled. Lina giggled and then kicked her mount into action, we followed suit. Trayu pulled me up to sit across his lap and I buried my face into his neck so no one would recognize me! This was not proper behavior for an unringed girl!

"Do not worry Asria, I have a surprise for you."

And he wasn't kidding. When we reached a remote part of the stream he let me down and I saw a glint of something in her hands just before Trayu took both of my arms and pulled them behind me so I could not fight. Lina was setting the ring in the tool and then grabbed my chin.

"Hold still, Asria!"

"What are you doing?! Lina! Trayu!" Tears spilled over my cheeks.. out of fear of how much that horrid thing was going to hurt and because I would not be having a party now and we were all going to be in so much trouble! The sound that thing made was the loudest I had ever heard. There was very little blood though my eyes watered with the pain. Lina held my chin still turning my face from side to side to inspect her work. My ring is slightly crooked, but so slight that no one has ever noticed but me and I.. do not mind so much now.

Trayu was pleased and let me go so he could hug me and then drag me back up on Silver. Lina, grinning, was right behind us as we raced back to the clan fires. My breathless protests went unheard and I was never really sure I meant them.
Trayu stole me away in the night as a girl but to the Yearkeepers clan he brought back a ringed woman. To my wagon that night.. he brought back his mate. I was so angry with him for taking away so many moments I had wanted to be special. It was not until his death that I realized that he never took anything away.. those moments were special.

They were the moments that defined a lifetime.

"Tug, I need a favor."

I was so nervous waiting for Tug first this morning! I had sent Lei off to find out where Mezoo was and ask her a million questions about how old you had to be to grow a baby in your belly. And why did some slaves wear bells and some did not and why was the sky blue and the clouds white.

I did not expect to see them for a while.

When Tug arrived he seemed happy to see me, he had brought me a bowl of blackwine from the fire and I knew more then ever that he was Cana's son. Thoughtful of others to a fault. I thanked him and drank it even though it is not my favorite. He asked about the ropes he had been working on and I admitted I had not had time to touch them since I saw him last so he grabbed at the chance to work on it some more. I watched him with a grin, his need to be a man, and provide was more in his few years then I saw in many many twice my own age.

I let him work a bit while I got busy gathering the paints for this afternoon and I waited to bring out the memory until he had eaten a lunch.

"Tug.. I have something for you and I want you to listen very carefully to why I made it." Tug sat down beside me on the wagon steps, his eyes were curious as I began to talk... about Ba'ater. I told him how Ba'ater had asked me to make him a calendar of his birth fathers life and I told him how I had worked on that, how I had gone to people who knew him and asked about him. I shared the stories I had heard.. even the not so great ones so that when Tug stumbles along his way, he will know that he is not alone. His father will be smiling down on him from the skies. No one is perfect. I sang him the songs the singers keep about his father and I showed him what the calendar would have looked like.

If I had made it.

But I had not made him a calendar of his fathers life, I had not made him a story quilt either. Tug was growing confused as I finally unrolled the stiffened hide I had painted for him. His neck was red and so weren't my cheeks. I told him that I wanted him to understand how important this was, to me. That I had altered a task I was given to better fit..him. That I was willing to be scolded or even shunned for that. After I had met him though I knew a simple calendar would never be right.

I showed him the hide where I had painted all the colors and emotions that Tug made me feel when we spoke about his father. I painted what I saw on his face. I had painted strong hands and Canas laugh (Which is pink and white, like bubbles) I had painted a lance in those strong hands and I had painted younger hands, Tugs hands reaching out to take that lance form his father. The colors were soft, the colors of a fathers love, the colors a man is not always keen to accept.

Tug was silent as he looked at the hide, I placed it in his hands and I was silent as he looked it over. Several moments passed, people walked by, children giggled and played. Tug let it roll closed, I could see how hard he was trying to be strong. It was all I could do to not hug him.

He surprised me though and.. hugged me. I was caught off guard and laughed softly. I hoped Cana would be pleased with what I had done. I hugged him tightly in return and then looked at him seriously.

"I want to ask you for a favor too, Tug.. if you wouldn't mind. This is kind of a big favor."

"What is it Asria?" He asked. Just like Fonce would have I noticed.

"When my son is born he will not have a father.. " Tug nodded like he had already given this thought.

"Like me." He said.

I smiled softly. "Yes, like you, that's why I hoped that as my son grows you would.. befriend him. Be there when he wants to talk about it and I am sure he will want to talk about it and not so much with me. He will need a friend, someone he can trust. Could you do that for him?"

Tug grinned, a toothy boys grin. "I would be honored too."

Tug didn't say much else, a sincere thank you and he held that painting to his chest as he made his way back to his mother. I thought he might be eager to share it with her and to tell her about the favor.

I watched him go with almost as much pride as I would have had for my own children. When I looked at Tug I saw what my own soon would be like eventually, I hoped.

I saw hope.

Strong Warrior

"Will Trayu's son be a yearkeeper?" Ayguili asked me as he crouched before me. I laughed, seeing his joke but.. it was not so funny. It was, actually, a very good question.

I do not question that Trayu’s son.. will be a son.

Magda says I should hope for a daughter, she keeps trying to make me wear her talismans to make the baby be a girl. She is afraid that having a son will make me even less desirable then I am now and.. I agree. Having a son will take me farther from ever being mated again. I am a good Tuchuck woman; I know it is my place to give the plains children, strong warriors. I will do these things.. someday. But not today. Today I will nurture Trayu's son...

"He will be a Strong Warrior." Ayguili told me and I smiled, softening at the edges.

I have been whispering to him when I am alone, my unborn warrior. he will have to be a strong warrior right from the start. A boy without a father to teach him how to behave, how to hunt, how to sharpen a blade and aim an arrow. He will not want to learn these things from me. He should not have too.

I know that my son will not grow up without men in his life, I am not a fool. But it will never be the same, no matter what, it will never be the same as having his own father put him on his first kaiila. Yes, my son will have to be a Strong Warrior.

When I think of my Son, my Strong warrior, growing up I expect it will be Fonce who gets regulated to teaching him. There are few men that Trayu would have wanted to teach his children but I know Fonce is among them. It warms my heart when I see him speaking to Lei. I am glad that my daughter is so comfortable running to him, to see what he is doing, to tell him something about her day, to show off a new ribbon I gave her or to tell him the story of her life. This does not worry me at all, I know as my daughter grows Fonce will be one her most fierce protectors. I encourage her attachment to him.

So forgive me when I say I am not so sure I will encourage the same in my son. There are sides of Fonce that I do not know, many sides. They are not the sides he is likely to allow me to see right now and I respect that. It is probably for my own good, right? But those sides of him? Those dark and secret sides of him? My son will see them better then I do. My son will look up to Fonce and want to be like him. All of him.

I want Fonce to be there for my son.

I am afraid Fonce will be there for my son.

I was sitting with Tugs painting with all the thoughts of fathers were running though my mind. My daughter came to sit beside me; it was quiet in our wagon. she curled up, silently, laying her cheek to my belly to listen to the Strong Warriors heartbeat.

"Mama, my brother already knows. You don't have to worry. He won’t be afraid."

My gaze settled on her sweet face, her cheeks still round with youth, I smiled at her.. my sometimes spooky little girl. Perhaps it is not Fonces influence on my son I should be worried about. Maybe ....I have it all backwards.

Oh, No- Not ev'n when first we loved.

Oh, No- Not ev'n when first we loved,

Were thou as dear as now thou art;

Thy beauty when my senses moved,

But now thy virtues bind my heart.

What was but Passions sigh before,

Has since been turn'd to Reasons vow;

And, though I might then love thee more,

Trust me, I love thee better now.



Although my heart in earlier youth

Might kindle with more wild desire,

Believe me, it has gain'd in truth

Much more then it has lost in fire.

The flame now warms my inmost core,

That then but sparkled o'er my brow,

And, though I seem'd to love thee more,

yet, oh, I love thee better now.

Thomas Moore.
And yes, I mean it.