"Family, Mother"

All the biggest news in my life has come this way, though the drummers. I am often the last to know about decisions made on my behalf but, I must say, I have rarely been displeased. I have always been a lucky woman and surrounded by men and women who truly cared for my well being.

Lei and I were returning from a day long trek to the outer wagons. As we have been doing for more then a year now, we bring food and trinkets and slivers of happiness to the newly widowed. We bring stories and songs to the fatherless children and the occasional motherless. I had not done so in several hands, to my chagrin. I admit I was lost in my grief. I lost my son, I lost Trayu.. twice. It would be disrespectful to the memory of my loved ones to return to the land of the living too quickly.. My son deserved my mourning.

I was just beginning to enjoy the feel of sunshine on my skin again as we headed towards Orens wagons. I had not been to see her or Astar since the fire though I had received their gifts, food, well wishes and comfort.

That was when we heard the drummers announce the newest change in our lives.. the happiest one that I could ever remember.

First Fires.

And Fonce.

Lei and I stopped and looked at each other, my daughter smiled first, a slow easy grin that I had achingly missed. Tears welled up in my eyes and I dropped the woven basket I had been carrying to kneel down and hug her. She giggled in my ear and squeezed me much too hard. it was good though.. I think I might have cried harder if she hadn't. I had never felt so relieved.. I had worked for two years for this honor and had been so terribly close to letting go of the dream. it was a lesson. Never give up. I wouldn't again.

"First fires." I repeated as I let her go.

"Family, Mother." She replied with a smile.

And I knew, just knew, everything would be all right again.

Oren watched us from her step, a funny little half smile on her tight lips. I did not hesitate to go to her and hug her gently and, as always, she surprised me with the strength of her return embrace.

"Do not let him down, little singer." She told me, raspy words in my ear.

I only nodded into her shoulder. I had my rules and my precarious position in the world.. one I would never be terribly fond of but I would honor it. For Fonce. I'd be the angel of feminine perfection. I would keep my halo polished and my wings neatly tucked at my side. My toes will not slip again. I will never fail to be the Asria he expects me to be no matter how it makes me look to others.

Everything was going to be all right. I will never fall again.

ooc side note...
I just want to thank Fonce mun for being the best kind of friend anyone could ever hope to have. I do not get to be here much anymore and that is not likely to change soon. Fonce mun never makes me feel bad for it and always asks how I am with genuine interest. That's a rare and special thing. I have known him for many years and have never had a reason to doubt or distrust him. That too is rare and special in this sort of forum. He and the mun of Catch are two of the most honest and real people I have ever had the pleasure to know online and they have been there for me at the best and worst of times. I just wanted to thank you both and tell you that I love you.

Scissors, please.

Today.. I got up.

Today I got up with the sun and left the fires cold, the chores undone and told no one where I would be.

Today I took my daughters hand and walked with her alongside the stream until we thought our legs would collaspse beneath us. And then we rested in the shade of a small, dry tree on the soft yellow grasses. We spoke little at first. Tiny words of comfort and empty smiles. But slowly we began to open up.. away from the harriga, away from judgement and lies and forgotton promises. We began to speak of Trayu.. and Trayus son.

First Son.. Only Son... No Son.

Lei and I began to heal each other though... all the real healing had begun when Fonce silently readied us for the move. It was bridged when Tasco held my hands and kissed them and offered us all he had to give. The only two people in our world that came to see us was the two of them.. thier gestures were like night and day. But both equally needed, equally appreciated. I expected it of Fonce, it is what he does for his family and we are family. But Tasco had surprised me, we are only passing friends. Our conversations have been scattered and brief but always meaningful. He has shown me more friendship that I could expect. I wanted to cook for him again but I have seen that Yamka.. stays with him now.

Irony defined, isn't it? Yamka once sullied my name for sitting at Fonces fires.. but she sleeps in a male prospects wagons. I hope she is greatful for the friends who demanded she be moved back to her own wagons and did not judge her for things obviously beyond her control.

The walk back was slow but.. happier. My Daugther and I smiled a little more, we sang to Trayus son in our hearts and said our goodbyes to her father and her brother. There are many children and families that depend on her and I.. patron saint of widows we are.

There will still be songs to sing and meals to cook. Skirts to wash and leather pants to scrub. I have a child to raise and a heart to mend. There are friendships to nurture and ties to cut.

Ties to cut... if they have not been cut for me already. I have to see Fonce and Ayguili.. I need to speak up. Loudly.

What we lost in the fire...

Fire. Everywhere. I was sleeping. Lei was with me, curled up a hands reach away, her dark curls so like my own were spilled out on the pale yellow brown furs we slept on. First son was with fitfully sleeping in his basket when it happened.. I woke groggily to the sound of screams and crackling wood.

"Mama?" Lei murmured as she sat up and immediately began to cough, a thin haze of smoke was filling the wagon and I was confused in that space between sleep and wake.. where things do not have names and nothing is really solid.

"Asria!" Magda shouted as she stepped into our tent. "Come, quickly!" She was still shouting and realization was dawning..

Plains fire, wild fire.

"Lei! Get up!" I snapped at her as Magda wrapped up the baby. This moment will live forever in my mind, a snapshot of my choice.

"I will take the baby Magda." I reached for him, everything was tinted orange.

"I have him, Grab Lei and run!" She already had him curled into her arm and he was coughing and screaming, there was no time to argue. I.. obeyed. Because I always fucking obey. I kissed his head and grabbed Lei, yanking her up and dashing for the stream. Water.. I wanted to be in the water.

Magda should have been right behind us but everyone was running.. screaming.. searching.. Lei was sobbing into my shoulder, her face was black with the soot in the air. My own the same.. both our cheeks were streaked with tears. Magda should have been behind us in the crowd..

I set Lei in the water, we both crouched into the cooling safe water that was growing dark with the ash that fell like snow.. red and black snow all around us.. I counted my breaths as I watched for her.. Magda should have been behind us in the crowd with my son.

But she never came. Never came. I knew in my heart long before I found them. Lei was left at the stream, nearly seven now and strong and capable. I ran back to the harriga, to the Ubars wagons, I searched for the old spex and my infant son.. Trayu's son. My heart was pounding, my eyes were too bright in the dirt of my skin. I did not see anyone I knew.. but I found them.. Magda had fallen in between the rows and one, of not two wagons had crushed her. She was too weak and too tired to get back up. I found Trayu's son several feet away where he tried to crawl away.. to the safety under another wagon. He had not been crushed but he had gone unseen under there and breathed in smoke until he could no longer breath at all. I fell to my knees in the blackened grass, uncaring of who would see my grief this time. I had hid it well when Trayu died.. I would not hide it well with the loss of my son. I.. screamed. I held his lifeless tiny body to my chest and I screamed at the sky.

I did not think I would ever stop screaming again.

Singer of the.. fires

I gathered up what I had on hand and brought them with me to the main fires. I was brimming with excitement and nervousness but the good kind, the butterflies in my belly kind. Lei and I handed out the small noisemakers we had made and even Magda had come to the Ubars fires to hear me sing for the first time. It was late and dark and I stayed close to the fire so I could not see everyone’s faces, the gathering was mostly in shadow.

It fit how I had been feeling lately.

I began slowly, beating a small drum against my thigh as I circled the fire with slightly exaggerated steps, the tiny bells I had sewn to long strips of cloth and wrapped about my hips and in my hair, they made pretty music along with the drum and the children’s toys. My voice, with much practice, was high and sweet.. Aamon said once it was slightly haunting, it echoed when there was nothing for it to echo from.

Rogar, he had six sons and at least one lovely daughter
The youngest of the strapping youth was not so fond of water.
He was small and he was swift
His mind was never set adrift.
His loyalty it knew no bounds and much he loved his father.

So when one fine bright day, he found a bit of trouble...
He knew exactly what to do to burst that bad boys bubble.
Armed with nothing but his wily wits
He began to plot against those twits
A group of friends he gathered, working on the double.

They were small but they were full of might
And well prepared to end this fight.
They hid among the wagons, swallowing their giggles
They shushed and hushed and waited and wiggled
They were prepared to wait all night!

The bigger boys came by and they were looking for a tousle.
They had no idea about the boys and all there little muscle!
There was a shout, a scream, a cry
Those mean guys were gonna fry.
Next thing they knew those guys were leaving in a hustle!

So take heed about the little ones, too small to fight you back
You might be getting into something you really cannot hack!
Sixth son of Ragnar is a fighter
And his fists are getting tighter!
This little guy, this Cutie pie.. there is not much that he will lack!

When I finished, the children were laughing and giggling. Lei most of all, her big dark eyes shining with pride. Magda was holding First Son, nearly a year old now and clapping his fat little hands and grinning. Fonce was there, I saw a flicker of him in the firelight. He did not smile, exactly, but he nodded and I reconized the glimmer in his eyes. Fonce approved. I wanted to run to hug him, like I would have my father or a brother or Aamon. Despite the silly things people think about Fonce and I, he is first and foremost my family. The things I sometimes feel for him? They are not entirely what a person looking in from the outside might think. They are tangled and confused and all my own. I was remiss that I had not been able to sing for the Ubar but I sang for the tribe.. even if no one heard at all.. I still sang for the tribe.

I had no idea what was coming.. My son was so happy in this moment, so full of life and bright. I could see Trayu in him, in all his features. If I had known then what was going to happen in the fire.. I would have taken him from Magda right then and there.. I would have been a better mother.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Tascos Painting

The painting of wagons means something to me, especially lately, since I finally painted my own. I recall being sheepishly sad that no one but Astar had seen the signifigance in my wagon paintings. In the end though.. it only mattered to my daughter and I.

First son was just beginning to crawl and Lei and I were sitting in the shade of our wagon early this morning, watching him gingerly move around the soft grass. My mind was on other things, mostly the upcoming move and how nervous I was to make it .. without Fonce. I did not think Ayguili would remember all the little things, or his man. They had no real reason too. I was not part of thier personal family they way Fonce and I were family. I sighed thoughtfully and turned my head towards the breeze as the children giggled.

And that was when I saw it. I had missed it ealier, as just another wagon paniting but now... I saw the sunlight bouncing off the colors and they dazzled me, sparkled a bit. it was quite lovely.

"Lei, watch the baby, I will be right back."

She watched me go with a knowing little look and I hurried towards the freshly painted wagon. A warrior of the sky. My breath caught for a moment and I reached out to touch it. This was Tasco's wagon. I knew because I left food on his steps every evening. Food that was left from my distribution walks amoung the woman left behind. Widows did not eat much.

My fingers felt the rigid paint...

"Asria!" I heard and jumped, pulling back my hand guiltily as I turned towards the vioce.

When it feels like a lie

I had gone to see Aamon at last today, but my visit was brief and away from his woman. I  only wanted to let him know I was there and I cared. Aamon already knew but I think he was pleased to see me, however briefly. 

When I returned to the main fires I found Yamka and we chatted briefly. I finally asked her, I had to know.. Just what the hell had I done to make her dislike me so much. I asked her first if she found the gifts I left her. She seemed annoyed that I had bothered and I cannot tell you how much that stung. It seemed like the harder I tried the more she spit at me.  She asked me why I would give her a gift at all.  

"You are my friend Yamka, I know you like yellow as much as I do and I wanted to share the flowers I found. The comb reminded  me of you and I never wore it. I must say though..  that you really seem to .. well.. not like me very much Yamka. If I have ever done something to offend you I wish you would tell me."

Yamka looked at me for a moment  “I found a special pair of boots laying against the stream bank .. ones I worked very hard on.. "

"Oh.. those boots. " I said slowly, I had nearly forgotten about that.  I sat down on my step and sighed. "I was really upset about that. I do not really know how that happened. Fonce said it wasn't any of my business and Lei refused to tell me anything.  Surely you know I never would have let her be so careless with a perfectly good pair of boots. I was irritated with Fonce for weeks for allowing such a foolish thing to happen. I was not there, you know?  Fonce had gone to see Lei and Also alone too.. speak to her about the rumors that were going on then, about me and him? She deserved to hear it from one of us and he asked to do it."

"Maybe during that time someone should have asked me.. instead of condemning me to guilt before I had a chance to say anything.... but the boots hurt more than anything.. "

Her statement irritated me and , I am sure, would have ticked Fonce off quite a bit! "But Yamka.. We did ask you, remember? Fonce spoke with you and then you and I spoke and everything was fine. Lei.. was just barely five, you cannot expect her to understand as we do. No one ever condemned you.. in fact I defended you, every second of that whole thing, I defended you. Even when the Ubar and Fonce were livid with you.. I still defended you."

"And did anyone tell her the truth after all was said and done?"

"Fonce did, Yamka." I was bristling a little, I admit. I did not like the implication that Fonce had 'lied' to my daughter.  While I know the bond between him and her is.. thin now, it was strong then and I would not allow it to be questioned or so easily tarnished. 

" I wish that entire incident to be left where it belongs.. in the past."

"And it has been, by everyone but.. I think, you. It hurt me more then anyone else, you realize that? It hurt my daughter too.. but we forgot about it,  I never blamed you, I was never for a second, angry with you.. but ever since then .. you have acted like I have somehow personally offended you."

"I think you mistake my actions for something else Asria.. my life has not been as easy as yours.. there are many things I think about or did daily that had nothing to do with anyone of the 1st fires.. I have never had anything against you.."

I tried not to be hurt by that statement. By the idea that my life had been easy. My mate had died for the tribe. Can I repeat that? My mate had died for this tribe. I have to live with that forever. The father of my children died so that I could be a prospect to the first fires for nearly two years and then told my life was easy. I am raising children alone but because I allow a slave to grease my axle I am a spoiled pampered woman. Day by day it grows harder to swallow how much this hurts. I do not have a guardian I can speak too about this. I must have looked at Yamka for a long time.. thoughts of how easy my life was dancing though my head. I've known death, father, brothers,  two sisters.. I have known betrayal, my mother, our friend. I have known uncertainty, being 15 and alone. I have known heartache, twice. I have known childbirth and loss and confusion. How dare anyone imply my life was easy? I wanted to cry. But instead.. I smiled. 

"Good, then.. good. Everything is fine."

"yes everything is fine... now.."

But I do not believe her and for the first time.. I know distrust.

Waters new path

Yesterday was almost a simple day. I stayed close to the fires, to my wagon and near the Ubars. My song had been finished for what seemed like ages, two songs really because when I was nearly finsihed with one.. he went and changed the whole thing. I hope the surprise was not too evident on my face. I finished the second one and I am pleased with it. On top of that, I had an issue. I've grown used to waiting, the Ubar is a busy man. Too busy, I think.

I have heard what is going on with Cana and I heard the news of Ba'ater, who I never got to know very well. I tried twice to do.. something useful but Cana has more then enough friends and everything had been seen too. So for her too, I wait.. because the thing I can do best for her is just be here when she needs a gentle smile and a silent ear.

Yamka came to the fires last night and I smiled at her. She is being persecuted by a wicked bird and I listened quietly for a moment, my mind was a million miles away really. Tasco arrived and shouted my name to grab my attention. Which worked! Half the harriga must have heard that. At least he was laughing as he looked at me. So naturaly I said something silly and terribly.. unfunny.

'I was daydreaming of your little tuchuk babies."

Skies I did not mean OUR babies! I just meant babies, his.. one day. Yamka did not react which served to embaress me further but was entirely the proper thing to do. Tasco, on the other hand, was kind of .. angry with me. I owe that man a make up favor. I think I have been a little too wound up lately, there is more then I can contain going on up in my head, things I cannot yet admit even here.

"I am going for a walk by the stream." he declared and I only hesitated a moment.. mostly to give Yamka a chance to go with him. When she was quiet I asked if I could join him, he replied by telling me to hurry up already.

Yamka did not answer my be well, twice.

Tasco and I walked a ways in companionable silence and then, each of us quietly waded into the stream, though he went much father then I. It's fitting isn't it? I stayed close to the shore, where it was safe and he splashed his way to the middle. Only then did we begin to talk. It was a simple easy conversation about .. men and women and anger and jealousy. Tasco is not a man who tolerates much of that sort of thing and frankly niether do I. He showed me the scar a scorned woman gave him and I touched it. I touch too much, I know. He did not seem to mind.

I wonder if he realizes that this time it will not be him left with a scar?

Tasco and I are good friends and I hope it stays a strong fireldship between us. My heart is not as fickle as it may seem. I am simply.. practical and patient. Life goes on no matter what I want and I can only follow along, like water.. cutting my new paths slowly and lazily, though solid rock.

When we were finished talking of this I felt relieved in my decision to nurture our friendship. I hope others feel the same and continue to nurture thier friendships with him. He is a good man, no matter what he says. He is not looking for a woman right now, something we agreed on quickly but he admits.. one day.. he will have a dozen children. But that day, is not today.

We walked back to the fires talking easily and chuckling at the woman who had fed him supper tonight. Tasco will never want for a hot meal, there are at least two dozen women clamoring to cook for him. I am a little prideful to have been the first of the main fires. Well.. prospect, eternal, infernal prospect to the fires.

I really need to find the Ubar.

But first.. I am going to leave a gift for Yamka. On her top step a small glass jar with a yellow ribbon tied around it and a fistful of white daises tucked inside, beside it I left a small and delicate shell comb. It had been my mothers and I hoped she would like it. I lingered there a moment, wanting to speak to her but in the end I said nothing and made my way slowly back to my own wagon.

All too aware of your stare

The tension grows and I have no idea what to do about it. I am all too aware of how Yamka feels for Tasco and I am all too aware of how she feels I should feel about how she feels about Tasco. What I do not know.. is how Tasco feels.

Or maybe .. I do?

Last night I brought him a meal, I had watched him make his move with a few of his friends. They joked loudly and seemed happy. He has good friends, that says a lot about a man, though Tasco would deny it. I was working on my song and the simple act of cooking a meal for someone other then my children was just what I needed to let me think about the song. I can be distractable and need something to keep me mindlessly busy.

When he finally stopped and mopped his brow with a rag I want to take and wash, I saw Yamka approach and I admit, shamefully, that it made my heart sink a little. It is taxing to dodge her looks, looks I am not sure I even deserve yet. I offered them both a bowl of stew. It was very simple, they way Fonce likes his. All my fancy spices I collected and dried were left out. I did not know yet how Tasco likes his food.

It was nice at first, I sat down on his step and the three of us chatted. A man named Teng joined us and I instantly found him admirable. Teng is excatly what I think of when I think of the ideal Tuchuk man. Selfless and eager to help. He should be at Yamkas wagon by now, fixing the wheel of hers that gave her so much trouble. I will never, ever understand why some women are so afraid to admit or ask for a mans help. My biceps are not so big.. why would I want them to be? While I can do what I need to do.. I appreciate not always having too. I am comfortable asking for help. The kind of men I admire want to be asked anyway.

When Teng left the topic turned ot him for a moment and I managed to demonstrate once more my child like belief in the good of all men. Tasco chuckled but he did not tousle my hair like many others do, he did not assume my opinion made me foolish or immature. I wish I could thank him for that but I do not think he knows how meaningful that was to me.

"If you were the man in charge of me.. would you want me to be any different?" I asked him. I knew that Fonce liked me just as I was, I knew that if anyone had tried to change me, to make me more like.. others, he would be irritated by it and more irritated if I went along with it. I am the embodiment of that mans expectations of a good tuchk woman..and mother.. and widow. Whether I like it or not. For now I am acepting that and owning it and making it mine. I am still very young, we all are. There will be.. time. On the other hand I know the Ubar wishes I was more like the other women but he has come to accept me the way I am, even if he does not understand it. I wish we had spoken more, I wish I had gotten him to like me. Things today would be so different if I had. I am greatful though for the man he has who quietly sees to heavier repiars and has been providing meat. Between he and Fonce's contributions I am well equipped to feed the amount of people who dine at my fire in the afternoons, mostly children but children can eat as much as most grown men!

So I asked Tasco this and he looked at me carefully and I nearly blushed. "I would want you to be.. aware." he told me. I did not try to defend that or explain it because I liked that answer. it was protective, it was what I need to know. I had almost forgotten Yamka was there but she offered us sweetbreads which Tasco, filled with stew and flat bread, refused but I took one to nibble on even though I was not hungry. Because Yamka made it and I thought that was special for her to offer me one. I'll take whatever frayed strings of friendship I can from her. I want us to be friends.

Talk changed to .. fathers and mothers and Yamkas father. Tasco asked me what I was thinking about and I told him how thankful I am for my family, for the people who weave in and out of my life. Every one of them shapes me, changes me. None of are stagnant pools, we are all offshoots of the same river. The pebbles and bits that float from one to the next is what makes us who we are. No man is an island.

Yamka wandered to her own steps and then Tasco had an urgent need to .. go do whatever men do and I had to get back to the children. I parted ways with them and returned home with much on my mind. Mostly.. about Yamka and friendship. I am worried that my friendship with Tasco hurts her, but I worry too that not being friends with Tasco would hurt him.. and me. I have never not befriended someone, especially someone who I hit it off so well with, so quickly. Tasco reminds me of something I cannot put my finger on, like I knew him once before but have forgotten.

This is one of those things I once would have run to my father or Trayu or Fonce with. I would have asked for guidence and clarity. But I have grown a bit since the death of my mate. I am better able to deal with my troubles on my own. It is both exhilerating and frightening. Sometimes I do not want to figure things out on my own. I miss, deeply miss, having a stronger hand to hold. I know it's all over my face too, it colors my smiles. Asria the wishing girl.

Tasco fished for another meal and I was eager to offer him one. I enjoy feeding people you know, I always have. I have already made my decision reguarding him and my friendship with him and Yamka. When I bring him a meal tonight though.. I think I will invite him for a walk and try to get a better idea of just how he feels for Yamka and if my friendship.. is going to be a problem for him.

Skies I hope not.

Everything, plus two

I own a basket, I dyed it a bright soft orange color and threaded one of Leis ribbons through it. It sits on my steps and sometimes people leave things in it. Today they left suck in it. But I have to keep in mind that it was I who offered the basket to be filled.

What does it mean to be Tuchuk? I have been a Tuchuk my whole life so forgive me if I struggle with the question. The question of why do I exsist. I am raising Tuchuk Children. I cook for those who may otherwise eat alone. I have allowed my role in the tribe to become the day care provider of the down trodden.

What do I offer the Tribe? It is a strange question to ask someone who has always been tribe. I offer, simply, everything. It would be easier to tell me what you want so I can happily agree that yes, I offer that too. I offer everything and then a little more. I offer my quite words, my hand to hold, I offer my smiles, my time, my thoughts, my ideas, my energy, my .. soul. My Tuchuk soul. And above all that.. I offer my love. I love each and every person I touch, even the people who wish I would go away, I love them too. Because they are Tuchuk, as am I.

It hurts, so badly, to know friends might think I am not offering enough and I admit I briefly felt a desire to quit, to return to Oren and Astar and go back to a more simple, more silent life. I could be happy that way. Being of the Ubars fires is not the only hope I have. But .. it is my hope and I will not abandon it over careless words. I will not go quietly into the night. I will remian here, tall and proud and strong and soft and open and honest.

Even if my honesty is not everyones favorite flavor. Because that flavor? I offer that too.

I am Tuchuk, hear me roar.

Oh really?

I try not to let it bother me, I try so hard to let Fonce's words sooth my fluttering worry. It's all different now, I have not brought my fresh crop of worry to him.. or anyone. This is what I was speaking of when I told Yamka I wished I had someone I could tell my fustrations too.. someone who would hold my hand again. It is difficult to be this alone and yet.. not at all alone.

I could speak to Aamon, I know. I could tell him anything I wanted too and he would listen without judgement and he would hold my hand. We are filling viods for each other. It is so ironic that I am becoming what he wanted from Ayguili and he is becoming what I wanted from Ayguili. We never talk about that though. I do not have the heart to tell him how much the Ubar, his son.. is hurting me.

I have no understanding at all, or guidence, about why I am left behind. Why am I not only last of the women who all came at the same time.. but now behind others who have only come to the fires recently. I watched Ayguili negotiate a bride price.. for a woman who was unringed and not of the first fires. A woman I never met and a man I had never even seen. perhaps other women are better then me when they shrug these things off. Good for them. This.. forgetfulness about me hurts.

I know it cannot be because I do not spend enough time at the fires, because I am there, every day. After my chores.. the chores of an entire family, are finished. After I have fed and bathed my chidlren. After I have washed the clothing, fixed the straps, worked on my own projects, trained with Aamon, sewn the tears, scrubbed the steps, told the stories, cooked the meals, cured the meat.. After all that a million other things.. I come to the fires. Sometimes I go to the stream, to settle in the sweet peace of it's babble. To play with my children.

Certainly it cannot be about this business of tasks? Because I have done every task asked of me, thoughtfully, and perhaps slowly. I take my time about things I deem important. I care for the children fo the broken hearted, the widows sons and daughters. On my own, unasked. I check on Astar, every day.. even though she has all she needs and all I provide is the understanding of friendship. I am growing closer to Oren, as crazy as that seems. Oren is my anchor, she has helped me to understand timing and.. the true meaning of patience. I hate it but I am thankful. Her guidance, which is gentle with me, is just what I need. I do not take it for granted, as I might have .. once. I know her gentleness and kindness with me is special and rare.

So what is it, excatly? What makes me so different? What makes me any less worthy? How can I be expected to know things that have never been told to me? I am fustrated by this guardian business. I do not like feeling this way at all. It is not like me to be unhappy no matter what the situation. I always find the silver lining. I have always strove to the shiny happy girl in yellow.. with tiny white flowers in my hair.

I have had enough of sad. I have had enough of being left behind. I have had enough of being small and quiet. Today I would like to do a little shouting.

And someone better fucking listen.

Sheltered

"Higher Mama!' She shrieked, her little girl giggles lighting up the dusk. Lei and I were dancing in the stream, staying close the edge as we spun in quick circles to see how dizzy we could get. I suppose I am not the most traditional of Tuchuk mothers. But it's pretty common knowledge that I am really good at breaking stereotypes.

We made our splashes go higher, our skirts soaked but our faces were radiant. If any of our friends had come by we would have pulled them rudely into the water with us and shoved our silly girl joy down their throats.

It's lucky they didn’t, right?

Instead we left the stream, my son was napping on a thick blanket on the bank, his hair was growing thick and curly and his dark lashes nestled sweetly against his fat baby cheek. I checked on him as Lei began to gather small white daises and then flopped onto her belly, all out of breath and began to weave a chain.

Yamka arrived and I lit up, pleased to have company, pleased to see her again. She was always avoiding me and acting sullen around me. It was heartbreaking really because I did not understand it. When you laid it all out Yamka was the one who hurt me, she had lied about me and had nearly cost me my life and the life of my son because of her thoughtless words. She had hurt Fonce though me, and the Ubar. Though all of that I had defended her, I had said it was a mistake.. and I was quick to forgive her, quicker then others thought I should have been. So you see.. I never understood why, since then, Yamka acted as I had betrayed her.

I hate feeling like my efforts are wasted.

We had hardly spoken when a man arrived, a stranger to me but not to Yamka. I am amused and somewhat envious of how easily her heart flickers for a man. I do not have so much control over my own emotions, I cannot turn my feelings off for one man and on for another.. Skies I wish I could. I can see that Yamka likes him very much but from our brief meeting I am not so sure he feels the same.

Mating.. it always comes up around Yamka. She said it wouldn’t happen for her for a long time and my lips twitched thoughtfully. "I will be mated whenever Fonce chooses someone worthy of me." Can you imagine such a man? There was meaning in my words and if Fonce had been there his eyes would have met mine briefly.

Yamka frowned at me. "Isn’t the Ubar your guardian?"

I smiled. "Yes, he is."

Who my legal Tuchuk guardian was .. was completely beside the point. If you asked me who spoke for me, who protected me, who guarded me or who kept me hatefully ensconced way up high and out of reach? I would tell you it was Fonce. Even if he denied it I would still tell you that. My persistence is quiet but it is unbreakably strong.

The topic came around to Tasco being.. a bad man.. which appalled me! There is no such thing as a bad Tuchuk! Yamka seemed to agree with him that he was bad but I must have misunderstood that. Tasco laughed, that was his name, and asked me if I was a very sheltered woman.

.. Why does everyone always think I am?

Because you are.

I blushed a little and shrugged. Perhaps I am sheltered; perhaps I like it that way. Perhaps I am the sort of woman a man should shelter. I am fragile, delicate.. and still strong. Riddle me.. me.

Tasco laughed at my reaction, his eyes are dark and they glimmered with the amusement he found in me.

"My father said the only cure for that is a hard slap or a rough fuck."

I was so offended! And, I admit, amused. Yamka had grown quiet, I had not meant to dominate the mans attention, really. I was trying very hard to remain stern and not laugh too much at his.. threat. I am not a blushing virgin, after all.

"If you have a problem with how I live you make speak to the men who speak for me."

He laughed at my parried threat which wasn’t much of a threat at all because Fonce and the Ubar would have thought Tasco terribly funny if either us had told him. He grinned at me and I felt a little blossom of friendship spring up out of the earth.

"I did not say I had a problem with it, only how my father would have fixed it." Aren’t you a smooth talker!

I am pleased to have met Tasco the Scarrer. There is something inside of him I have seen in few men before. Something all the men that were ever important to me had. A sparkle down deep in his eyes. I already trust him. I am already unafraid of him.

I already know.. I am extremely naive.

One Day...

When I was a little girl I saw you once.
You looked at me.
I waved at you.
My Father plucked my hand from the air
and pulled me away.

"Do not talk to that boy."

I would have talked to you anyway
but our paths did not cross again
Until I was a young woman.
Freshly ringed, freshly .. loved.
I blushed when you came by.

"Do not talk to the Ubar."

I wouldn't have then, I follow the rules.
For years you flittered in and out of my world
We rarely spoke, but I cooked for you once.
You told Trayu he was lucky.
Things were only a flicker then.

"Asria..."

You said, that day by the stream.
Your meaningless apoligies kissed my ears.
I handed you my broken heart,
I slipped it in your pocket
all the glittering shards.

"Don't fall down, Don't fall down..."

My white marble pedastal
You carved it just for me.
You made me pretty wings.. that I despise.
A pretty artifact that you cannot touch.
If I dangle my toes, I know you might bite them

"He depends on you."

She told me shortly, knowing I would shake my head.
She took my hands, squeezed them hard
Until I gave in, until I nodded.
I'll be the Madonna, I'll be good.
But one day I'm going to fall..

"..And I do not want you to catch me."

One day I will crash to the ground
One day I will crush my pretty wings.
I will be.. mortal.
And it will be Epic.

-mine

"Can you hear it yet, Asria?"

Aamon has been pushy lately. He made me cry the other day. And it is entirely my fault. I am drowning a little bit in my own emotions and therefore I cannot be of any use to anyone else. I know this because he keeps telling me. I have told my mentor.. all of my secrets, even the dark and dirty ones. He had this idea about purging my soul, clearing out all my mental congestion.

"Shut up for a little bit Asria and listen."

"Listen to .. what?"

"Nothing at all."

My mentor.. the Tuchuck Yoda. I have never been good at truly listening, my thoughts are too loud in my head.. nothing calms me inside. My time has been spent working on my story and sitting at the Singers fires. I have been invited to stay, even without a song yet.. because being a singer kind of has nothing to do with singing. It has everything to do with your heart. Lapla, an elder woman, has declared I have the heart of a singer and that was that. There was no great drama or ceremony.. no one hugged me or said congratulations. Lapla spoke and everyone nodded and I was suddenly.. a singer.

"Do you hear it yet?"

"I can't hear anything!"

"Shut up and listen Asria."

And I did. I sighed heavily and with great frustration I fell back on the grass, on my back, my arms thrown over my head and my body soft. I squinted up at the sun and then I shut my eyes and .. listened.

I heard the hum of tiny beetles, I heard the low sound of the bosk, I heard the distant laughter of children.. my breath slowed and the tickling grass began to fade. I heard the ants marching along the dirt.. I heard a bird screech up high. I heard the pump of my own blood and the steady strong beat of my heart. I listened.

And slowly I began to cry. Great big sobbing crying too. I listened and I heard. Aamon pulled me up to sit and wrapped his strong arms around me. He soothed me like a child while I listened still, cried still. I couldn’t hear over my own sounds and yet I could suddenly hear everything.

I broke though the veil of my own creation. And that’s all the explanation I can muster, it was.. bigger then my mere words can tell.

By the time I returned to Oren to fetch my children it was growing dark. The old woman saw it in me though. Her cane punctured the dirt before me to make me look up and meet her eyes. We shared a long look and I, Asria of the Singers, did not look away. Oren smiled, pleased with whatever she saw today. I .. grinned and hugged her, a tinkle of laughter drowned out her showy protests.

"You are a crazy woman." She admonished me as I released her.

"I know, I know. Isn't it wonderful?" I was all lit up and Oren could barely contain her chuckle as Lei came running around the side of the wagon, hot on the hells of a much older child. She veered towards us though and began dancing around me and telling me a thousand little things about her day. Oren brought the baby out to me. He was nearly 8 months old now and had come to have a strong personality for such a tiny baby. He was just like his sister, Skies help me.

"Will you watch them tomorrow, Oren?"

"If I must." She replied with a heavy sigh.

"If you are not feeling well I can ask..."

"Shush now, I said I would do it and I will do it. Do not question me." She snapped.

I smiled. "Yes, Oren."

My song? It was beginning to be sung

Unspoken Promise

"I was looking for Mezoo, Oren." I said warily, my hand clutching Lei's.

Oren smiled at me with a dangerous twinkle in her sparkling eyes. "And yet, you found me."

"I wouldn't want to burden you with the children, Oren."

The cane twitched. Lei let go of my hand and skipped right on over to Oren. She grinned at me too. Little triator!

"Give me the baby, Asria."

We stood there, her and I, for a moment before I began to blush and I gently placed the boy into her strong arms. Lei was dancing around on her toes beside Oren while Oren seemed to simply ignore her. Trayu's son fussed briefly and batted his fat baby lashes at Oren before he closed them again. I saw a strange new look on Orens face.

Pride.

I smiled and leaned over to kiss her leathery cheek. She clicked her tongue at me, just like Lei was wont to do and waved a hand at me.

"Thank you Oren." I spoke, as if she were doing me a favor. What I did not realize is that I, and my children, were doing her a favor.

"Asria." She spoke as I was turning to go. I paused and looked back at her warily. She beckoned me closer to where she sat on the steps and went, leaning down slightly. Oren met my gaze and I knew she could see it all, like a pretty picture book, she could see my heart. I did not look away

She tucked a small white flower behind my ear and then cupped my blushing cheek.

"Do not fall down again. He depends on you."

There was an electric silence between her and I, the kind you could touch if wanted too. Moments passed, Lei was watching us intently.

"I won't Oren." I finally murmured, breaking the bond of our gaze somewhat painfully. I stood up, feeling a quiver in my belly.

She said nothing and I turned to go, late for my day with Aamon again. I left something unspoken between the old women and I.

The tense promise of my perfection. For the sake of Fonce.

Seeking her comfort

Astar is important to me. I suppose our friendship is unlikely, she is the same age as my mother, I spend more time with her daughter Mezoo and since I have moved I have not seen her at all. Fonce had instigated our bond after the.. accident. I should thank him for that. In giving me Astar he gave me a sister, a mother and a friend. When I think of Astar I think of her hands. She has gentle hands. More gentle then most, more so then my own. When I am sad it is often Astar I want to hold me. It is her gentle shushing I want in my ear. It is her hands I want on my cheeks.

Everything in my world is right today. I spent my morning with Aamon, barefoot on the plains learning how to feel all over again. How to feel the wind on my skin and the brush of the grass. I pay more attention now to how my skirt lays against my ankle and how the light catches in certian peoples eyes. I will be a Singer, my daughter will learn to ride, my son has begun to grow and cry less and soon I will be of the first wagons.

But something dogs my steps, something nags at me in the back of my head, something eats me up inside and spits back out this facade of me, a smiling woman who is calm and patient and terribly docile. Something mocks me. Something doesn't see me. Something hurts me. Something is all too aware of somethings unawareness. Somthing sucks.

I sought Astar after lunch, leaving the children with Magda again. I found her by the stream, washing a large square of purple cloth. Shiny gold threads had been woven into it and as she shook it out I was captured by how it played in the light.. how it glimmered. Like I glimmer down deep inside. The silly cloth ruined everything. I was smiling before I began to look. Astar looked up and waved at me, she smiled. I was smiling.

But by the time I had closed the space between us I was crying, big fat pitiful tears were spilling down my cheeks and I hated that cloth. I wanted to tear it from her and stomp all over it. How dare it be so shiny happy! How dare it show itself so freely in the sun! I felt mocked.

I felt absurd.

Astar looked surprised at my sudden shift and I sank to my knees beside her in the grass where she, without question or demand or reprimand, folded me into her slender arms and stroked my hair. I closed my eyes and let her comfort seep into my bones and fill me up. She was the medicine I needed.. a little unconditional motherly love. She rocked me a little, like I was child and, maybe for a moment, I was.

After a while I lifted my head and Astar took my cheeks in her hands and wiped away my tears with her thumbs. She smiled at me as we sat in the dappled sunshine by the stream.

"It will be all right. You will see."

And I .. believed her.

The rest of my day was, some might say, wasted in quiet talk with Astar. If you had passed by us that day you would have been struck by the privacy there seemed to be between her and I . You might have felt unwilling to interupt. Our laughter was soft and quiet. I helped her work on that purple and gold cloth. I silently apoligized to the cloth for my silly hatred.

The cloth, like my heartache, is beautiful.

I may hate it, I may feel jealous of it but it is still beautiful. I might think the purple cloth is a blind fool but it still beautiful. We wrapped it over a low hanging branch from the solitary tree to dry and we sat in it's shade, letting it cool us. It was a day well spent, I think and before I left she told me again...

'It will be all right. You will see."

And I .. believed her.

Jaella gets a grin

Little girls are made of daisies and butterflies and soft kitty cat purrs
And all the precious memories of times that once were.

Little girls are made of angel's wings and giggles and a firefly's glow
And all the happy feelings, deep inside, that we all know.

Little girls are made of cinnamon and bubbles and fancy white pearls
And snowflakes and rainbows and ballerina twirls.

Little girls are made of sunshine and cupcakes and fresh morning dew,
And these are the reasons, little one, why everyone loves you.

My daughter does not smile often. She is often worried and suspicious. She demands order in her world, from the way she keeps her ribbons to touching the bottom step with her fire finger every time she steps off our wagon. Her trust is not easily earned and once broken nearly impossible to repair.

Much rested on the pretty boots that Jaella made for her. Lei was distrustful at first but I sat quietly with her, showing her all the pretty details, all the thought about her specifically had gone into those boots.

"There will not be a great many times in your life when someone will put so much thought into something for you." I told her. It was an honest, if somewhat harsh lesson. Lei nodded though. She was watching closely these days. Watching and making judgements.

I showed her how to tie on her colorful ribbons. Before the love wars we had only had a handful.. now we had a basketful. I showed her how to change the tassels and let her show Also and Tug who, helpfully oo'd and ah'd appropriately.

Finally, hopping down into the dirt, Lei grinned at me. "Jaella is a good boot maker. She will do." She declared before running off to the stream to show the other children.

I smiled watching her go. All was right with the world.

Except my hidden, secret, heart.

Finding my Melody

"Aamon?" I spoke quietly as I neared the man I was directed too. I was wearing a pretty yellow skirt today, made of linen I had traded for at the Love Wars and a matching ribbon was threaded though my braid. My smile was timid.

He looked at me, his hands were damp with oil and studded with salt, he dunked them into a water barrel and then took my hands, both of them in his. "You are Asria, the confused Year Keeper who should be a singer." he told me and I blushed. He chuckled and released my hands. "My son told me to expect you today, come, we have much to discuss."

He seemed a little excited which in turn excited me. I was so fearful of this meeting! I was sure I would be scoffed at, berated. I said little, I felt shy and suddenly very young. A woman came into view as Aamon was washing up and she looked at me coldly.

"I have heard your daughter is a willful beast." She told me. So.. this was Ayg's mother? Charming. My smile slipped a little and I nodded to her.

"I have heard that nasty rumor myself. It is cruel, isn't it? How people will gossip about a little girl who lost her father?" I sighed for her, agreeing with her assessment of my little warrior princess.

Birmmah stared at me for a moment and then turned to snap something at Aamon who seemed to take it all in stride. Holy crow that woman was a demon. They spoke briefly, Birmmah casting me nasty looks now and then before Aamon kissed her cheek and beckoned to me to follow him. I hastened to keep up.

"Forgive me, I did not mean to upset your mate. I am so honored to meet the parents of Ba'ater and Ayguili." I spoke breathlessly as we walked, out though the herds, wandering though the animals as if we had no real destination.

"She is a good woman but under much strain with the absence of Ba'ater."

I only nodded, I understood loss. We walked in silence for awhile until we were far past the herds.. farther then I had ever been out before. I was.. nervous out here, undefended and with a man I did not know well. He was Ayguilis father though and well known to be one of the best in his clan. I was about to burst with questions when he finally stopped and..

"Take off your boots."

".....what?"

"Take off your boots, Asria who wishes to be of the singers."

I hesitated. How I wished I had someone’s hand to hold! I removed my boots and let my bare feet nestle in the soft grass. I was blushing hotly.

"Tell me what you can feel with your feet."

"My feet?"

He did not reply. I nodded and closed my eyes. I stood there for a moment, shifting slightly from side to side. Subtle swaying of my body as I directed everything to the things I felt in my feet.

"There is a tiny pebble under my left toe, it has a jagged edge that tickles the grooves of my skin. I have to keep lifting my toes to move it. The earth is cool today; I can feel it in tiny piles and aerated lines along my soles. It plays games with me, lures me with the promise of coolness if I sit down and dig my fingers into its depths. I can feel the life there, that grows the grass for the bosk.. I feel the Tuchuk under my feet. The grass touches me sweetly, like a woman would. Her fingers light and delicate upon my ankle, a pretty reminder that she is there.. waiting, always waiting, growing and feeding. I feel the tribe beneath my feet, I feel .. love."

Kings was I high? I paused and opened my eyes a little, squinting. I expected to find him laughing. Instead I found him.. smiling. I opened my eyes wider and smiled too. "It is not only grass."

"No, it is not only grass." he agreed.

We stood there quietly for a moment before he asked me about the sky, and the bosk. He asked me to tell him about my children and of Trayu. We spoke out there, among the new grass. Now and then outriders passed near us, keeping a watchful eye as we stretched the boundary of the Tuchuk, for Tuchuk land is anywhere a Tuchuk stands in my opinion.

It was nearing supper and I knew Mezoo would be anxious to return the baby and Lei would be worried. I did not want to upset his mate anymore either. We began to head back and I felt a growing disappointment. We had not spoken of singing! We had not spoken of clan at all. He had just asked me over and over again to tell him about things and people.

"Aamon.. Are you not going to ask me to sing for you?"

"You did sing for me." He replied with a knowing smile.

"What do you mean? I have not sung at all. What if I have no tune? What if I have no melody? What if.." I was charging off a cliff and he held up a hand to me. His palm faced up and he gestured to my own hand. I was so sad as I placed my hand over his.

"You sung for me today, and for the grass and the bosk and the sky. You sung of your family, your friends and your loves."

I was trying to understand.. but I had only spoken of those things.. in great detail, at great length. I had made him laugh and moved him once. I had touched his heart with the tales of my world.

"But I have no melody..." I whispered.

He folded his hand over mine and pressed my palm to my chest, over my heart.

"Yes, you do."

And realization dawned.

Almost an Omen

Mezoo chuckled when she told me "It is almost an Omen."

I bristled a little. I am not enamored of the Spex clan. I do not like the way people like Fonce and Magda sometimes look at me, or my children. I do not like feeling like they know things I do not know.. about myself, my life, my children. I know so many do like them and seek their help, but I am .. suspicious. I have heard unpleasant rumors about what Fonce does in his clan and I have seen little glimmers of Magda’s.. umm.. talents. Mezoo saw the way my lips tensed and she smiled at me and assured me she meant nothing bad. I felt silly I suppose, I tend to get jumpy about omens. I wanted to ask her what she meant but I was terrified to actually know. My change of clans.. an omen?

We chatted happily for awhile, I miss my long talks with Mezoo. I still recalled when she told me all about Ayguili and I hope he knows that half my trust of him is dependant on Mezoo's trust of him. She is younger then I but very wise. Her judgment is not to be ignored. She loves the Ubar, it is evidenced in her every little nuance. When she speaks of him the corners of her mouth dance. I envy that, I am not even sure I had that with Trayu. He was my childhood sweetheart, we knew forever that we would be together so there was no.. courting really. I envy their bravery and their simplicity.

I asked Mezoo if she would watch the baby while I went to go see the Ubars Father and she agreed, all too quickly. I have faith in her though and I know she will do fine. I let her know where to find Magda should she need her

Yamka was there too and I tried hard to draw her into the conversation. Her silence around me confuses me so much and it hurts me. I do not know what I have done to make her avoid my gaze but if I did, if I had even the slightest of ideas.. I would apologize without question. Yamka and I were once close. There had been a friendship blooming between us.. until the accidental accusations of where I was spending my time.. and how much the not so whispered rumors affected my daughter. They still affected our lives, it is not easy to be a woman alone whose morals are so openly judged. But, I held my head high and knew I was above all that, I knew it had all been a misunderstanding. So I tried again to reach out to Yamka, even today, a day which was rather huge for me and the rest of my life. I paused to speak to the leather worker.

She said she never wanted to stand up for herself or add her opinion and I told her how.. horrible I think that is and how sad! We are women of the first fires, women of the Tuchuk. What we have to say matters to people, to men. Stupid women are not invited to be among the household of the Ubar after all. Yamka is a beautiful addition to the fires, she is an amazing leather worker and is among the few blessed enough to be asked to work for the Ubar. I think, after a while she began to understand what I was saying because she brought something over to me.

A small wooden baby rattle. I was quiet, watching her place it in my sons chubby baby hands. He grasped it happily, touching Yamkas hand briefly and I felt a little tightening in my chest. Yamkas gift touched me deeply.. it was the first gift anyone had given to my son. I was not really part of the Ubars household and no one but Magda had spent much time with me after he was born, no one had brought gifts. Astar cooked for us for a few days and Oren came and went, telling me off at every turn for wild I let Lei run.

There was a real omen in that statement. That was a foreshadow.

Shortly after that though.. our wagons had been moved to the first fires and Oren was not likely to come to see me here and Astar had her own life to live. Mezoo was here but she had bigger things to handle now and really.. mothering? It's what I do best, I did not need much help. I did need.. chatter though and I had been lonely before the children had all begun to find me and force me back out into the world.

Yamkas gesture, the gift of an old baby rattle, strengthened my bond with the tribe as a whole. She reaffirmed my decision to follow my heart.. In all kinds of ways. She reminded me of selflessness and love and what family is.. and can be. I do not think Yamka has any idea how much her gesture affected me. when she has a child I will be the first one there to gently press this small wooden rattle in the palm of her first born.

The magic I was feeling was broken when Karvek arrived, he sat on my wagon steps without noticing all the bits of colored chalk and baby blankets and little rolling beads that littered my space. I was sitting with Mezoo closer to the fire. My son was now in Mezoos arms, using the rattle like a true Tuchuk man.. and beating the poor woman over the head with it.

I asked Karvek is he was satisfied with the work done on his wagon and Yamka mentioned her father had helped. I thought that was terribly brave of him, to come this close to the main fires, but it said a lot about her family and clan. Others came first, even at their own risk. Karvek seems .. distant, which I found an amusing thought because he had always been distant. I was not sure he even knew who I was. I knew it was more then that, we all did.. but we all kept mum. It was not our business to talk.. just out business to sooth. We are women after all.

Mezoo asked him to help her with Trayus son and I readily agreed, perhaps I am too trusting but I was.. hungry for my son to know a man. I had hoped Fonce would have.. taken an interest in the boy but he did not even look at him, much less touch or hold or smile. Karvek seemed to like children though.. but he refused and inwardly I sighed. What would happen to my son if he had no man to model himself after? I made a mental note to speak to Astar about my growing concerns soon.

Karvek did not stay long.. Yamka left and then he suddenly rose, spilling some of the marbles off my platform as he mumbled something and rushed away. I do not understand, entirely, his ... his.. well, all of his that is his.. I do not understand it but I do not know him well enough to ask. I am growing concerned though, because I watched him kind of lose it the other day.. and suddenly I thought it not so bad that he avoided my son as well.

I kissed the baby and Mezoo goodbye at long last and left the fires. I had a date with someone’s daddy.. and.. my destiny.

"Rest well, little singer"

After I left Fonce I hurried back to the main fires. There was a little storytelling going on and I was nearly distracted from my task. It was one of those now or never moments though and I was fully charged. The energizer bunny had nothing on me.

I had to drag him from the fires too, because this was not the sort of thing you bring up in mixed company, not yet. This was too shiny and new and too fragile for me. It went really well, we spoke briefly of what I wanted and what made me happy. I tried to explain to him that I was thinking too of the first fires and the tribe. The Ubar had no Singer and I thought that was just.. awful. I was excited to be something that was.. needed.

The Ubar.. has asked for my trust and I hate that I hesitate to give it to him. I hesitate though because I need the space of a moment to let Fonces words echo in my head. He trusts Ayguili to do what is right for me. If I do not trust ayguili then I do not trust Fonce, right?

And they women are complicated!

So I will trust in Fonces trust of Ayguili and tuck my mental hand in the folds of the Grays. It feels a little like walking off the edge of a cliff but here I am, ready to fall. I know part of this is because of what Seveya did. Ayguili wants to be sure that I will trust him enough to speak to him before I do anything.. rash. I do not think he has to worry though; I am not a rash woman. I do things slowly, in my own time. I poke and prod and taste before I dip my toe into big decisions.

Like this one.

Ayguili has given me a wonderful gift, he has offered me the names of one of the Tribes greatest singers. His Father. I am not sure what has made the Ubar suddenly see me as worthy of such a thing. I never thought he was a big .. fan of me and my ways.

Speaking of which, he has also assigned one of his men to look after my wagon. I suppose really that is to make me stop asking Fonce, which kind of makes me smile. It is not even I who asks Fonce for so many little things.. It is Lei. But I don’t discourage her at all. I am extremly thankful for the Ubars thoughtful consideration of me and my children.

There was some discussion of how much time I was spending at the fires with the others and some of my sparkle faded from my eyes. I have less free time to chat and sit then other women because I have more responsibilities.. untraditional ones. I asked if he had not seen the wild stampedes of children that had been visiting my wagon steps? When I was among the outer wagons it was less noticed and after Trayus death it slowed for awhile. Since I have been moved to the first wagons though it has picked up again and with fervor! Not a day goes by that I am not .. inundated with ragamuffins. Lei was in heaven with so many children about to boss around and I was .. what was I feeling? Fulfilled seems like such in inadequate word for the way it made me feel. I was, simply, happy. I spent countless hours caring for the widows children, of all our clans. I was teaching little girls how to mend and how to braid each others hair. I was amusing little boys with sweet cakes and tales of daring warriors who saved the day and returned from every battle.

Unlike their fathers. Unlike Trayi and Pacu.

I had been visiting Astar too, her gentle reassurance about my ideas was exactly what I needed. I spent an afternoon of washing with her and we spoke about them.. Trayu and Pacu. It was the first time we really did that, without tears or anger. Quiet memories. But that is for another day.

What I was doing with the children was extremely personal to me. I had not been given anyone to take care of, I had not gone and selected a lonely soul to assist for a short while. I just threw open the door to whoever chose to cross the threshold.. with muddy feet and dirty fingers and sad little smiles.

This was why my sparkles faded a little. If I had to choose between spending my time brightening the hearts of the fatherless or having tea with those I called friends? Oh don't even ask me to choose between the two, how could any woman make that kind of choice? But I promised to try harder, to make more time to see everyone.

"In a few days we will speak again." he told me. And then kissed me, his hand felt heavy and awkward on my shoulder as he leaned to kiss my temple like I was a wayward child and it made me smile. "And relax little Asria, things all come in the Sky's time."

I knew what he meant and nodded, my cheeks were pink and I had not unclasped my hands for most of our conversation. Before we parted he said something that lifted me right up again, made my chest tighten and my face brighten.

"Rest well little singer."

This is how we dance

I had so much.. song in my heart when I left the children and Scoot with Magda. I had put myself in a strange sort of position where I was mothering about a dozen children and finding it hard to find time to myself. Everywhere I went I was followed by small feet and shy giggles. I did not mind, it was fulfilling to be needed.

Skies was I happy.

Happy in that breathless, bright eyed kind of way. Oh sure I was.. lonely and lonely enough now to notice the empty place in my heart. Where my butterflies lived. It doesn't come all at once you know, the lonely. It comes in stages. At first, after loss.. you feel it intensely, you are consumed by the loss. It was like having part of my body removed. You are broken, shattered. Not everyone gets past that stage but I am Asria of the Tuchuk and I would not dishonor Trayu's memory, my children.. or those I called family by such a show of weakness. I am weak, let us be clear. I am a weak, soft, sometimes confused woman. But I can be weak and be strong, I walk that fine line. I know I can spiral down either side when I must and I know how to climb back up again. I am a Tuchuck woman. I am Tuchuk. I am woman. After that, things grow quieter, the screaming in your head becomes, slowly over time, little mewling kitten sounds. Always there but easier to ignore. I had Lei to care for, I worried about Astar, I followed Fonce to the first fires and then I had my son. I have dealt with my loss, felt it, swum in it, drank it up and made love to it. Loss. It was mine and now.. I have let it go.

Now I want to live.

In order to live though, live for me, live for my children and live for the Tribe.. I have to look deeply at myself and the path I am walking down. I spent a great deal of time thinking about things that have been said to me in my lifetime.

My mother laughing as I sang to her about how soap bubbles were born (they came out woman’s fingers, of course) My father telling me to stop dancing and come look at the wheel beads with a twinkle in his eye.

I recalled countless hours of sitting at my mothers knee, learning all the things women do, listening to my father explain again and again about the way we kept time, the way we marked it. But all I really recall are the things I thought about. Games I wanted to play, dresses I wanted to make, flowers I wanted to pick, things I wanted to paint and draw. I was unable to concentrate on my parent’s clan and I think my father knew it. We spoke once, briefly, when I was around 14, about clan. There had been talk of me spending time at all the different clan fires before any decisions were made.

But then my mother.. and the leather worker from the first wagons.. Everything changed and the plans were forgotten. I had to step in for my mother then and my father was growing ill. There was no more idle time for discussion of my future. Trayu was there with me then.. sneaking me away to kiss behind the wagons in the middle of the night. I was fourteen and so hopelessly in love. Trayu was a year keeper, my father was a year keeper. What else was there for me to do? I would join the year keepers.

But later.. I recalled other times, when I sung to Lei as a baby and Magda would listen to me tell her a story with her eyes closed so she could better 'see' my words. Trayu too would listen but.. he was less impressed. Sometimes I think my stories bothered him, looking back I think I know why. He had this ideal of us, a pair of Yearkeepers, like our parents and their parents.

Later still.. Fonce had grown angry with me when I admitted why I was a year keeper. Fonce's displeasure with me always stays with me. I incur it by accident and have yet to discover the secret of soothing it.. but I never let it go. I have been holding it in a tight little ball inside of me. Whenever our eyes meet I can feel it pulse. He may have completely forgotten the way he looked at me that day but I have not. it is another fine line I walk. Fonce has all these expectations of me, I think.. but won't tell me what they are because the biggest expectation of all is that I should already know. I am not permitted to falter.

My name is Asria and I am a tight rope walker mind reader in a pink tutu.

Sigh.

Telling him my identity was based on what someone else decided put another crack in my pedestal. How is this thing even still holding me up? How many times to do I have to hurt it before it crumbles and someone.. catches me?

or I fall and break my neck.

What was my point again? Right.. clan. I was all filled up with bubbly happy but I am always slow to share my happy bubbles, I am all too aware how much people like to burst them. I knew exactly who I needed to speak to first. I know he is not my guardian but.. he is. Go ahead and screw with my family if you have doubts. Fonce knows parts of me I think I hide, what everyone else sees as concrete he sees as a veil. He looks right at me, right though me. I think.

Anyway.

I ran to find him, spill my happy bubbles like soap all over his hands. Telling him would begin to clean up all the dirty blood between us. A small beginning but... even mountains can grow out of anthills.

He was pleased. Pleased enough that even in the midst of his personal mess, he smiled for me. He gave me a joke.. or a tease. He certainly gave me a blush.

"I wanted your approval, very much Fonce. It means everything to me. Thank you so much!" I kissed his cheek.

"You have it .. I see this as a good change for you and a mature change if you are realizing you have talent and desires beyond what Trayu held."

It was the first time he brought up Trayu that I did not look away, or look down or let go. It simply flowed from his lips to my ear and.. was. I kept my hand on his arm and did not hear Trayu in my head anymore. He told me Trayu would have wanted me to be happy, he just had not realized I needed to be asked.

"Skies your hard to crack Fonce."

"Depends on what you want .. Asria." His pause before my name, there are unspoken words inserted there. Woman of Trayu, Woman I will not smudge, Miss Madonna, Mother of children, Patron Saint of widows. All the things he puts before my name to keep me unattainable. To keep that space there. I want to eat that space, lick it up like ice cream until it is gone. I want to respect it. I want to understand it more before I deny it.

"What crack you are looking for?" He asked me, I saw a wary glimmer in his dark eyes. I could say the wrong thing and the ground would open up and swallow me. I know this because I often say the wrong thing and the ground eats me up. Fonce walks away with curled fists.

I am the muse of his anger.

As I always did and always will, I breathed deeply and said what I felt.. and risked his anger. I do not censor myself for the enjoyment of others. "The crack that I fit in. The one I can slip inside of while you are looking the other way and then you'll look back and I'll just be there and you will want me to stay there. That, little, crack."

The twitch of his lips was.. not unhappy.

"You must know that women attempt to get my attention all the time and touching my arm or kissing me on the cheek is not going to be much more intense than someone rubbing a wet pussy across my thigh."

I'm not making that up! He said that! And me.. a woman who has said worse things in the night, done wonderfully unladylike things under the cover of dark.. blushed. I squirmed. I stumbled over my tongue and the tips of my ears went red.

Fonce chuckled. I suppose my blushing response is like filler for the cracks in my pedestal. I take out a chunk and he steadily repairs it. Bastard. There was a tense, amused silence between us before I spoke again.

"What.. would get your attention Fonce? What would make you look at me like.. I am a woman?"
"I .. honestly ... am not sure Asria." No pause, no unspoken title to keep me away, I had taken another step. "I actually wish I knew the answer to that."

I bit harder into my lip, I tasted blood on the inside of my cheek. I had to tell him the one thing I would never do to get his attention, no matter how it sounded. I had to say it so he would never, ever, wonder. "I would never submit to you. I'm not judging anyone else for it.. but.. I won't do that, I couldn't."

The easy way he took that promise, and it was a promise, buoyed me. I knew it was the right thing for once. All women are different, what is right for one is not for another. I do not know if Fonce knows about my mother and I am too ashamed to tell him. But I will never submit to a man of my own free will.

We spoke briefly of .. mating and attention and I admitted to him something that might have surprised some people but I think it reassured Fonce. It soothed me, at any rate.

".. Yes. I want your attention. I want you to look at me as a woman you could like.. that way. But I am not.. saying I want to be your mate. You were right before, I do not know you well enough to think that.. far ahead. But I know when I am alone with you.. I want you to kiss me. I stand here talking and wondering what I would actually do if you just kissed me. I want you to wonder the same thing, Fonce. And..."

He cut me off with a smirky grin. "Well then .. submitting would be rather against the point unless you want to .. beg ... to kiss me."

Blush, my ears hurt they were so hot! I was offended at the implication of what he said but too tongue tied to protest it. I laughed instead, mostly at myself. "I forget what I was saying now!"

He laughed, how I have missed that sound. "You were about to go tell the Ubar you would like to switch clans."

I let go of my hands to swat at his arm. I wonder if I looked as.. shiny as I felt "You were about to say would go with me and hold my hand while l I told him."

He snorted, like a beast! But his eyes were happy! "Not a chance. Now scram and get it done and .. good luck I think this is a good idea"

Go be a big girl, little Asria. Show me that you can.

The world was spinning on the proper axis and I hope I gave Fonce a small reprieve from the demands made on him lately. I know I, too, make demands of him but this has all been very different. Not wrong, just different. I could not need him less because he had a drama to deal with. And I know Fonce just well enough that if I had not gone to him with this, right now, when I needed too.. he would have been irritated with me.

Thank the Skies I love riddles.

How do you do?

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

Her name is Jaella, this woman I met the other day. She was sitting by the stream with Fonce and the easy line of his shoulders told me I would like her. Isn't that funny? Women that make him comfortable always turn out to be the kind of women I grow closest too. Like Cana. Cana has been very busy though and I have not seen her much. I was hungry for friendship.

Enter Jaella.

She was sweet and obviously light hearted but thoughtful. I feel like we have met before, maybe under a different sky. Lei ignored her mostly, she always does that with new people, but later she remarked that Jaella was pretty. A high compliment from the Tuchuk Princess!

I have asked Jaella to make Lei a pair of good, sturdy but pretty, boots. Boots, you'll recall, have become such a problem. I never found another leather worker who did such good work as Yamka but I knew I could never really ask Yamka again.

Jaella did not barter with me, our conversation abut the pretty boots was easy and I think offering trade would have made it too perfuntionary. I do not want to trade with her anyway, I don't want to do business with Jaella, and instead I will give her a gift in exchange for the boots.

Somehow, that seems to make much more .. sense.

I met her mate earlier, Sahli. I liked him too. I got the impression he was the kind of man that would stop his own task to help you in yours and never think a thing about it.

Once, in Fonces supply wagons (my personal mall), I found a small metal toy that I gave to Lei. It is two metal rings that are each all twisted up and you are supposed to try and separate them. It IS possible, I did it once. But it is really very hard and once you do the toy is worthless. They belong together, two halves of a whole.

The children and I have been invited to supper and I , for one, cannot wait!

Glistening

It is all about your eyes
How they look right though me
And look right at me.
Oh, how I ...glisten

It is all about your mouth
How it smiles when I smile
And how it never says what I want it to.
Oh, how I ...glimmer


It is all about your hands
How they sit upon your knees
And never reach to grab my own.
Oh, how I ...shimmer.

It is all about everything
How much I want it all for me
And how much I might never have it.
Oh, how I ...wither.

-mine, all mine

Wide eyed spy

I feel so guilty now. Several days ago Magda had come to the first fires to visit, the old spex/friend was disturbed by the fatigue she saw on my face. I looked older, as tired people do and when she commented on it I forced a smile, as tired women do.

"I am fine, Magda, you are overreacting, you always do."

She took the baby from me, clucking at me like a hen. "Go wash yourself, you look like you were bathed by a sleens tongue."

".. Thanks so much." I sighed, lifting a hand to my limp braid. I was rather hard pressed to recall my last hot bath alone. Magda left me, taking the children with her and I, realizing I had a few hours to myself and a bottle of turian skin oil left, smiled. I grabbed the bucket Catch had been using to keep my water barrels full and began the walk to the stream.

Halfway there though my steps slowed. I saw Karvek, the Uncle of Seveya. I had barely met him but once and had never gotten the impression he was a very.. approachable man. So, with that in mind, I did not approach him or speak to let him know I was watching. I was taken aback by what I saw. He was building, feeding a bon fire. I had seen the fire, of course, from my own wagon but assumed it was for a party or some celebration.

It was very clear to me that Karvek was not celebrating. I had only heard the news that morning and easily put two and two together. I'd never really seen anyone so openly angry before. Men tended to hide their anger from me, they tended to shield me from it. Apparently I was too delicate for anger? The idea always bothered me but watching this kind of anger made me a little bit grateful for the kid glove way I was often handled. I am not sure I would want to be privy to this kind of emotion from someone. Especially if directed at me.

I watched as leather canvas fell to the ground in ruined, defiled heaps. I stayed awhile, watching as he tore them into smaller bits and threw them, as if they were prickly bits of tangible thought, into the fire. I had such an urge to go and tell him to cut it out. That he was being .. too dramatic. That it was not as bad as it seemed. I had not thought he had even known Seveya that well. But then I really didn’t know much about how and what these days. I wanted to make that man a cup of tea he wouldn't drink and tell him to stop making a spectacle of himself. I wanted to smooth the dirty creases on his forehead and make it all right again.

I didn't.

I just watched until I heard someone calling my name and I, startled out of my own head, turned and quickly fled back to the fires of my own wagon where my children and smiles and happiness waited for me.

I'd spied on something I should not have and I suddenly felt much dirtier then I was. It’s been several days now and I walked by his wagons again this morning, on my way back from the stream and an early morning bath. He seemed to be gone and no wonder.. his wagon was.. uncovered.

I made a detour to see the leather workers. I like to fix things. By the time he returned there would be a new tarp on that wagon, but it would be plain and dull and much less.. interesting then the one Seveya had painted.

I found that to be really, very, sad.

"Sing to me, Asria"

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I took the one less traveled and that,has made all the difference. -Frost

There is tension.. everywhere. It is thick like butter, but cold butter. I couldn’t wiggle my fingers in it enough to understand. I had gone, last night, to see the fires of the Year Keepers with my children and a little boy we called Scoot. Scoots father had died in the love wars and his mother was handling it very, very badly. Scoot had been lingering at my wagons like a stray puppy so I had simply folded him into our little family for now. He was seven. He was heartbroken.

The four of us ate supper with the Year Keeper elders, listening to happy stories of years past. The Year of the Yellow Storm, The Year of the Two Headed Bosk and so on. Someone told the story of the night I was ringed, and claimed. They did not know all of it but I decided not to interject. I was letting go, you see. Really letting go. I listened with a small smile and watched as the baby was passed around.

I had come to realize that Tayran was much to busy to be the mentor I needed. I had realized something else as well. I was never going to be just another Year Keeper, I was the story teller of my clan and I needed, so badly needed, this to be accepted and stamped with pretty approval. I thrive on approval you know. I need to make people happy in order to maintain my own happiness. I no longer care what that says about me, I cannot see wanting others happiness as being a bad thing.

I had my chance to speak at the fires, to explain how I kept time, to explain my painted memories and my tales. I explained my time spent with the children and how I felt that the best way to honor Trayu and my clan was not by being Trayus replacement but his compliment. I cannot do what he did. The wheel calendar lacks the life he gave it because it was only his to give. But I can read it, I can explain it to you, I can tell you the stories and make you feel them. I can inspire emotions with words.

There was a brief argument over what I said. Some thought I should have been a singer but others argued that I was not really suited for that. I admit, a little shamefully, that the idea appealed to me. I would be so much better as a singer then as a Year Keeper. The idea of changing clans was not entirely new, it had come up before. It was obvious, I suppose, to every one but me that I was not cut out for being a Year Keeper.

But was I meant to be a singer?

The elders were so calm abut the whole thing. It was reassuring to me that no one was actually angry with me, no one was blaming me for being a failure, and I felt like a failure. How could I not? But the kindness I was shown, kindness for Asria, not for Trayus widow.. just for Asria, was heartwarming. The woman beside me pressed her leathery cold hand to mine and said the most important words I would hear that night.

"If your heart is singing, your words will follow."

I think I started to cry a little and I blushed, grinning sheepishly as I wiped away a tear and rolled my eyes at myself. I couldn't explain to her how relieved I was! The decision would be made final by them but it would come from one person first. Me.

I am a widow, a mother of 2, a lagging prospect to the first fires but.. despite all of that, I have never made a decision so big on my own. Life altering.

The next morning, despite all the tension, I knew I had to speak to my guardian, I needed his thoughts and his opinions. No one on else on the harriga would know better then he would what I should do because no one else was as invested in my life and my little family as he was. No one else was as deeply entrenched in my heart.. which might be singing.

I got halfway to his wagons when I remembered... Fonce is not my guardian anymore and it was Ayguili I was supposed to seek.

Because it was safer? Safer. Because I love Asria you can't be mine.

........

Fuck that.

I took a deep breath and pressed my shoulders back a little.. and then went looking for Fonce.

Gone to stay

Fly away from me
i cannot bear the way you look at me
with eyes that cannot see
eyes that cannot reach
me

leave me Trayu
hop from my outstreched finger and
let me breath the air that does not taste of you
i want to paint a picture that does not
contian
your kiss

When i touch my fingers to my mouth
i feel your lips too softly on my own
i need to let it goi need to let you
Fly
away from me

Let me be in peace
i will put you away in my heart
buried way down deep like tattered silk
only to be remembered in the darkest of times
and only
only
with my every waking breath

i am letting go
i will never let go
Shut away inside my heart
Gone
To stay

Forever

-mine