When it feels like a lie

I had gone to see Aamon at last today, but my visit was brief and away from his woman. I  only wanted to let him know I was there and I cared. Aamon already knew but I think he was pleased to see me, however briefly. 

When I returned to the main fires I found Yamka and we chatted briefly. I finally asked her, I had to know.. Just what the hell had I done to make her dislike me so much. I asked her first if she found the gifts I left her. She seemed annoyed that I had bothered and I cannot tell you how much that stung. It seemed like the harder I tried the more she spit at me.  She asked me why I would give her a gift at all.  

"You are my friend Yamka, I know you like yellow as much as I do and I wanted to share the flowers I found. The comb reminded  me of you and I never wore it. I must say though..  that you really seem to .. well.. not like me very much Yamka. If I have ever done something to offend you I wish you would tell me."

Yamka looked at me for a moment  “I found a special pair of boots laying against the stream bank .. ones I worked very hard on.. "

"Oh.. those boots. " I said slowly, I had nearly forgotten about that.  I sat down on my step and sighed. "I was really upset about that. I do not really know how that happened. Fonce said it wasn't any of my business and Lei refused to tell me anything.  Surely you know I never would have let her be so careless with a perfectly good pair of boots. I was irritated with Fonce for weeks for allowing such a foolish thing to happen. I was not there, you know?  Fonce had gone to see Lei and Also alone too.. speak to her about the rumors that were going on then, about me and him? She deserved to hear it from one of us and he asked to do it."

"Maybe during that time someone should have asked me.. instead of condemning me to guilt before I had a chance to say anything.... but the boots hurt more than anything.. "

Her statement irritated me and , I am sure, would have ticked Fonce off quite a bit! "But Yamka.. We did ask you, remember? Fonce spoke with you and then you and I spoke and everything was fine. Lei.. was just barely five, you cannot expect her to understand as we do. No one ever condemned you.. in fact I defended you, every second of that whole thing, I defended you. Even when the Ubar and Fonce were livid with you.. I still defended you."

"And did anyone tell her the truth after all was said and done?"

"Fonce did, Yamka." I was bristling a little, I admit. I did not like the implication that Fonce had 'lied' to my daughter.  While I know the bond between him and her is.. thin now, it was strong then and I would not allow it to be questioned or so easily tarnished. 

" I wish that entire incident to be left where it belongs.. in the past."

"And it has been, by everyone but.. I think, you. It hurt me more then anyone else, you realize that? It hurt my daughter too.. but we forgot about it,  I never blamed you, I was never for a second, angry with you.. but ever since then .. you have acted like I have somehow personally offended you."

"I think you mistake my actions for something else Asria.. my life has not been as easy as yours.. there are many things I think about or did daily that had nothing to do with anyone of the 1st fires.. I have never had anything against you.."

I tried not to be hurt by that statement. By the idea that my life had been easy. My mate had died for the tribe. Can I repeat that? My mate had died for this tribe. I have to live with that forever. The father of my children died so that I could be a prospect to the first fires for nearly two years and then told my life was easy. I am raising children alone but because I allow a slave to grease my axle I am a spoiled pampered woman. Day by day it grows harder to swallow how much this hurts. I do not have a guardian I can speak too about this. I must have looked at Yamka for a long time.. thoughts of how easy my life was dancing though my head. I've known death, father, brothers,  two sisters.. I have known betrayal, my mother, our friend. I have known uncertainty, being 15 and alone. I have known heartache, twice. I have known childbirth and loss and confusion. How dare anyone imply my life was easy? I wanted to cry. But instead.. I smiled. 

"Good, then.. good. Everything is fine."

"yes everything is fine... now.."

But I do not believe her and for the first time.. I know distrust.