The tension grows and I have no idea what to do about it. I am all too aware of how Yamka feels for Tasco and I am all too aware of how she feels I should feel about how she feels about Tasco. What I do not know.. is how Tasco feels.
Or maybe .. I do?
Last night I brought him a meal, I had watched him make his move with a few of his friends. They joked loudly and seemed happy. He has good friends, that says a lot about a man, though Tasco would deny it. I was working on my song and the simple act of cooking a meal for someone other then my children was just what I needed to let me think about the song. I can be distractable and need something to keep me mindlessly busy.
When he finally stopped and mopped his brow with a rag I want to take and wash, I saw Yamka approach and I admit, shamefully, that it made my heart sink a little. It is taxing to dodge her looks, looks I am not sure I even deserve yet. I offered them both a bowl of stew. It was very simple, they way Fonce likes his. All my fancy spices I collected and dried were left out. I did not know yet how Tasco likes his food.
It was nice at first, I sat down on his step and the three of us chatted. A man named Teng joined us and I instantly found him admirable. Teng is excatly what I think of when I think of the ideal Tuchuk man. Selfless and eager to help. He should be at Yamkas wagon by now, fixing the wheel of hers that gave her so much trouble. I will never, ever understand why some women are so afraid to admit or ask for a mans help. My biceps are not so big.. why would I want them to be? While I can do what I need to do.. I appreciate not always having too. I am comfortable asking for help. The kind of men I admire want to be asked anyway.
When Teng left the topic turned ot him for a moment and I managed to demonstrate once more my child like belief in the good of all men. Tasco chuckled but he did not tousle my hair like many others do, he did not assume my opinion made me foolish or immature. I wish I could thank him for that but I do not think he knows how meaningful that was to me.
"If you were the man in charge of me.. would you want me to be any different?" I asked him. I knew that Fonce liked me just as I was, I knew that if anyone had tried to change me, to make me more like.. others, he would be irritated by it and more irritated if I went along with it. I am the embodiment of that mans expectations of a good tuchk woman..and mother.. and widow. Whether I like it or not. For now I am acepting that and owning it and making it mine. I am still very young, we all are. There will be.. time. On the other hand I know the Ubar wishes I was more like the other women but he has come to accept me the way I am, even if he does not understand it. I wish we had spoken more, I wish I had gotten him to like me. Things today would be so different if I had. I am greatful though for the man he has who quietly sees to heavier repiars and has been providing meat. Between he and Fonce's contributions I am well equipped to feed the amount of people who dine at my fire in the afternoons, mostly children but children can eat as much as most grown men!
So I asked Tasco this and he looked at me carefully and I nearly blushed. "I would want you to be.. aware." he told me. I did not try to defend that or explain it because I liked that answer. it was protective, it was what I need to know. I had almost forgotten Yamka was there but she offered us sweetbreads which Tasco, filled with stew and flat bread, refused but I took one to nibble on even though I was not hungry. Because Yamka made it and I thought that was special for her to offer me one. I'll take whatever frayed strings of friendship I can from her. I want us to be friends.
Talk changed to .. fathers and mothers and Yamkas father. Tasco asked me what I was thinking about and I told him how thankful I am for my family, for the people who weave in and out of my life. Every one of them shapes me, changes me. None of are stagnant pools, we are all offshoots of the same river. The pebbles and bits that float from one to the next is what makes us who we are. No man is an island.
Yamka wandered to her own steps and then Tasco had an urgent need to .. go do whatever men do and I had to get back to the children. I parted ways with them and returned home with much on my mind. Mostly.. about Yamka and friendship. I am worried that my friendship with Tasco hurts her, but I worry too that not being friends with Tasco would hurt him.. and me. I have never not befriended someone, especially someone who I hit it off so well with, so quickly. Tasco reminds me of something I cannot put my finger on, like I knew him once before but have forgotten.
This is one of those things I once would have run to my father or Trayu or Fonce with. I would have asked for guidence and clarity. But I have grown a bit since the death of my mate. I am better able to deal with my troubles on my own. It is both exhilerating and frightening. Sometimes I do not want to figure things out on my own. I miss, deeply miss, having a stronger hand to hold. I know it's all over my face too, it colors my smiles. Asria the wishing girl.
Tasco fished for another meal and I was eager to offer him one. I enjoy feeding people you know, I always have. I have already made my decision reguarding him and my friendship with him and Yamka. When I bring him a meal tonight though.. I think I will invite him for a walk and try to get a better idea of just how he feels for Yamka and if my friendship.. is going to be a problem for him.
Skies I hope not.
Or maybe .. I do?
Last night I brought him a meal, I had watched him make his move with a few of his friends. They joked loudly and seemed happy. He has good friends, that says a lot about a man, though Tasco would deny it. I was working on my song and the simple act of cooking a meal for someone other then my children was just what I needed to let me think about the song. I can be distractable and need something to keep me mindlessly busy.
When he finally stopped and mopped his brow with a rag I want to take and wash, I saw Yamka approach and I admit, shamefully, that it made my heart sink a little. It is taxing to dodge her looks, looks I am not sure I even deserve yet. I offered them both a bowl of stew. It was very simple, they way Fonce likes his. All my fancy spices I collected and dried were left out. I did not know yet how Tasco likes his food.
It was nice at first, I sat down on his step and the three of us chatted. A man named Teng joined us and I instantly found him admirable. Teng is excatly what I think of when I think of the ideal Tuchuk man. Selfless and eager to help. He should be at Yamkas wagon by now, fixing the wheel of hers that gave her so much trouble. I will never, ever understand why some women are so afraid to admit or ask for a mans help. My biceps are not so big.. why would I want them to be? While I can do what I need to do.. I appreciate not always having too. I am comfortable asking for help. The kind of men I admire want to be asked anyway.
When Teng left the topic turned ot him for a moment and I managed to demonstrate once more my child like belief in the good of all men. Tasco chuckled but he did not tousle my hair like many others do, he did not assume my opinion made me foolish or immature. I wish I could thank him for that but I do not think he knows how meaningful that was to me.
"If you were the man in charge of me.. would you want me to be any different?" I asked him. I knew that Fonce liked me just as I was, I knew that if anyone had tried to change me, to make me more like.. others, he would be irritated by it and more irritated if I went along with it. I am the embodiment of that mans expectations of a good tuchk woman..and mother.. and widow. Whether I like it or not. For now I am acepting that and owning it and making it mine. I am still very young, we all are. There will be.. time. On the other hand I know the Ubar wishes I was more like the other women but he has come to accept me the way I am, even if he does not understand it. I wish we had spoken more, I wish I had gotten him to like me. Things today would be so different if I had. I am greatful though for the man he has who quietly sees to heavier repiars and has been providing meat. Between he and Fonce's contributions I am well equipped to feed the amount of people who dine at my fire in the afternoons, mostly children but children can eat as much as most grown men!
So I asked Tasco this and he looked at me carefully and I nearly blushed. "I would want you to be.. aware." he told me. I did not try to defend that or explain it because I liked that answer. it was protective, it was what I need to know. I had almost forgotten Yamka was there but she offered us sweetbreads which Tasco, filled with stew and flat bread, refused but I took one to nibble on even though I was not hungry. Because Yamka made it and I thought that was special for her to offer me one. I'll take whatever frayed strings of friendship I can from her. I want us to be friends.
Talk changed to .. fathers and mothers and Yamkas father. Tasco asked me what I was thinking about and I told him how thankful I am for my family, for the people who weave in and out of my life. Every one of them shapes me, changes me. None of are stagnant pools, we are all offshoots of the same river. The pebbles and bits that float from one to the next is what makes us who we are. No man is an island.
Yamka wandered to her own steps and then Tasco had an urgent need to .. go do whatever men do and I had to get back to the children. I parted ways with them and returned home with much on my mind. Mostly.. about Yamka and friendship. I am worried that my friendship with Tasco hurts her, but I worry too that not being friends with Tasco would hurt him.. and me. I have never not befriended someone, especially someone who I hit it off so well with, so quickly. Tasco reminds me of something I cannot put my finger on, like I knew him once before but have forgotten.
This is one of those things I once would have run to my father or Trayu or Fonce with. I would have asked for guidence and clarity. But I have grown a bit since the death of my mate. I am better able to deal with my troubles on my own. It is both exhilerating and frightening. Sometimes I do not want to figure things out on my own. I miss, deeply miss, having a stronger hand to hold. I know it's all over my face too, it colors my smiles. Asria the wishing girl.
Tasco fished for another meal and I was eager to offer him one. I enjoy feeding people you know, I always have. I have already made my decision reguarding him and my friendship with him and Yamka. When I bring him a meal tonight though.. I think I will invite him for a walk and try to get a better idea of just how he feels for Yamka and if my friendship.. is going to be a problem for him.
Skies I hope not.
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