Almost an Omen

Mezoo chuckled when she told me "It is almost an Omen."

I bristled a little. I am not enamored of the Spex clan. I do not like the way people like Fonce and Magda sometimes look at me, or my children. I do not like feeling like they know things I do not know.. about myself, my life, my children. I know so many do like them and seek their help, but I am .. suspicious. I have heard unpleasant rumors about what Fonce does in his clan and I have seen little glimmers of Magda’s.. umm.. talents. Mezoo saw the way my lips tensed and she smiled at me and assured me she meant nothing bad. I felt silly I suppose, I tend to get jumpy about omens. I wanted to ask her what she meant but I was terrified to actually know. My change of clans.. an omen?

We chatted happily for awhile, I miss my long talks with Mezoo. I still recalled when she told me all about Ayguili and I hope he knows that half my trust of him is dependant on Mezoo's trust of him. She is younger then I but very wise. Her judgment is not to be ignored. She loves the Ubar, it is evidenced in her every little nuance. When she speaks of him the corners of her mouth dance. I envy that, I am not even sure I had that with Trayu. He was my childhood sweetheart, we knew forever that we would be together so there was no.. courting really. I envy their bravery and their simplicity.

I asked Mezoo if she would watch the baby while I went to go see the Ubars Father and she agreed, all too quickly. I have faith in her though and I know she will do fine. I let her know where to find Magda should she need her

Yamka was there too and I tried hard to draw her into the conversation. Her silence around me confuses me so much and it hurts me. I do not know what I have done to make her avoid my gaze but if I did, if I had even the slightest of ideas.. I would apologize without question. Yamka and I were once close. There had been a friendship blooming between us.. until the accidental accusations of where I was spending my time.. and how much the not so whispered rumors affected my daughter. They still affected our lives, it is not easy to be a woman alone whose morals are so openly judged. But, I held my head high and knew I was above all that, I knew it had all been a misunderstanding. So I tried again to reach out to Yamka, even today, a day which was rather huge for me and the rest of my life. I paused to speak to the leather worker.

She said she never wanted to stand up for herself or add her opinion and I told her how.. horrible I think that is and how sad! We are women of the first fires, women of the Tuchuk. What we have to say matters to people, to men. Stupid women are not invited to be among the household of the Ubar after all. Yamka is a beautiful addition to the fires, she is an amazing leather worker and is among the few blessed enough to be asked to work for the Ubar. I think, after a while she began to understand what I was saying because she brought something over to me.

A small wooden baby rattle. I was quiet, watching her place it in my sons chubby baby hands. He grasped it happily, touching Yamkas hand briefly and I felt a little tightening in my chest. Yamkas gift touched me deeply.. it was the first gift anyone had given to my son. I was not really part of the Ubars household and no one but Magda had spent much time with me after he was born, no one had brought gifts. Astar cooked for us for a few days and Oren came and went, telling me off at every turn for wild I let Lei run.

There was a real omen in that statement. That was a foreshadow.

Shortly after that though.. our wagons had been moved to the first fires and Oren was not likely to come to see me here and Astar had her own life to live. Mezoo was here but she had bigger things to handle now and really.. mothering? It's what I do best, I did not need much help. I did need.. chatter though and I had been lonely before the children had all begun to find me and force me back out into the world.

Yamkas gesture, the gift of an old baby rattle, strengthened my bond with the tribe as a whole. She reaffirmed my decision to follow my heart.. In all kinds of ways. She reminded me of selflessness and love and what family is.. and can be. I do not think Yamka has any idea how much her gesture affected me. when she has a child I will be the first one there to gently press this small wooden rattle in the palm of her first born.

The magic I was feeling was broken when Karvek arrived, he sat on my wagon steps without noticing all the bits of colored chalk and baby blankets and little rolling beads that littered my space. I was sitting with Mezoo closer to the fire. My son was now in Mezoos arms, using the rattle like a true Tuchuk man.. and beating the poor woman over the head with it.

I asked Karvek is he was satisfied with the work done on his wagon and Yamka mentioned her father had helped. I thought that was terribly brave of him, to come this close to the main fires, but it said a lot about her family and clan. Others came first, even at their own risk. Karvek seems .. distant, which I found an amusing thought because he had always been distant. I was not sure he even knew who I was. I knew it was more then that, we all did.. but we all kept mum. It was not our business to talk.. just out business to sooth. We are women after all.

Mezoo asked him to help her with Trayus son and I readily agreed, perhaps I am too trusting but I was.. hungry for my son to know a man. I had hoped Fonce would have.. taken an interest in the boy but he did not even look at him, much less touch or hold or smile. Karvek seemed to like children though.. but he refused and inwardly I sighed. What would happen to my son if he had no man to model himself after? I made a mental note to speak to Astar about my growing concerns soon.

Karvek did not stay long.. Yamka left and then he suddenly rose, spilling some of the marbles off my platform as he mumbled something and rushed away. I do not understand, entirely, his ... his.. well, all of his that is his.. I do not understand it but I do not know him well enough to ask. I am growing concerned though, because I watched him kind of lose it the other day.. and suddenly I thought it not so bad that he avoided my son as well.

I kissed the baby and Mezoo goodbye at long last and left the fires. I had a date with someone’s daddy.. and.. my destiny.