"Sing to me, Asria"

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I took the one less traveled and that,has made all the difference. -Frost

There is tension.. everywhere. It is thick like butter, but cold butter. I couldn’t wiggle my fingers in it enough to understand. I had gone, last night, to see the fires of the Year Keepers with my children and a little boy we called Scoot. Scoots father had died in the love wars and his mother was handling it very, very badly. Scoot had been lingering at my wagons like a stray puppy so I had simply folded him into our little family for now. He was seven. He was heartbroken.

The four of us ate supper with the Year Keeper elders, listening to happy stories of years past. The Year of the Yellow Storm, The Year of the Two Headed Bosk and so on. Someone told the story of the night I was ringed, and claimed. They did not know all of it but I decided not to interject. I was letting go, you see. Really letting go. I listened with a small smile and watched as the baby was passed around.

I had come to realize that Tayran was much to busy to be the mentor I needed. I had realized something else as well. I was never going to be just another Year Keeper, I was the story teller of my clan and I needed, so badly needed, this to be accepted and stamped with pretty approval. I thrive on approval you know. I need to make people happy in order to maintain my own happiness. I no longer care what that says about me, I cannot see wanting others happiness as being a bad thing.

I had my chance to speak at the fires, to explain how I kept time, to explain my painted memories and my tales. I explained my time spent with the children and how I felt that the best way to honor Trayu and my clan was not by being Trayus replacement but his compliment. I cannot do what he did. The wheel calendar lacks the life he gave it because it was only his to give. But I can read it, I can explain it to you, I can tell you the stories and make you feel them. I can inspire emotions with words.

There was a brief argument over what I said. Some thought I should have been a singer but others argued that I was not really suited for that. I admit, a little shamefully, that the idea appealed to me. I would be so much better as a singer then as a Year Keeper. The idea of changing clans was not entirely new, it had come up before. It was obvious, I suppose, to every one but me that I was not cut out for being a Year Keeper.

But was I meant to be a singer?

The elders were so calm abut the whole thing. It was reassuring to me that no one was actually angry with me, no one was blaming me for being a failure, and I felt like a failure. How could I not? But the kindness I was shown, kindness for Asria, not for Trayus widow.. just for Asria, was heartwarming. The woman beside me pressed her leathery cold hand to mine and said the most important words I would hear that night.

"If your heart is singing, your words will follow."

I think I started to cry a little and I blushed, grinning sheepishly as I wiped away a tear and rolled my eyes at myself. I couldn't explain to her how relieved I was! The decision would be made final by them but it would come from one person first. Me.

I am a widow, a mother of 2, a lagging prospect to the first fires but.. despite all of that, I have never made a decision so big on my own. Life altering.

The next morning, despite all the tension, I knew I had to speak to my guardian, I needed his thoughts and his opinions. No one on else on the harriga would know better then he would what I should do because no one else was as invested in my life and my little family as he was. No one else was as deeply entrenched in my heart.. which might be singing.

I got halfway to his wagons when I remembered... Fonce is not my guardian anymore and it was Ayguili I was supposed to seek.

Because it was safer? Safer. Because I love Asria you can't be mine.

........

Fuck that.

I took a deep breath and pressed my shoulders back a little.. and then went looking for Fonce.