Oh really?

I try not to let it bother me, I try so hard to let Fonce's words sooth my fluttering worry. It's all different now, I have not brought my fresh crop of worry to him.. or anyone. This is what I was speaking of when I told Yamka I wished I had someone I could tell my fustrations too.. someone who would hold my hand again. It is difficult to be this alone and yet.. not at all alone.

I could speak to Aamon, I know. I could tell him anything I wanted too and he would listen without judgement and he would hold my hand. We are filling viods for each other. It is so ironic that I am becoming what he wanted from Ayguili and he is becoming what I wanted from Ayguili. We never talk about that though. I do not have the heart to tell him how much the Ubar, his son.. is hurting me.

I have no understanding at all, or guidence, about why I am left behind. Why am I not only last of the women who all came at the same time.. but now behind others who have only come to the fires recently. I watched Ayguili negotiate a bride price.. for a woman who was unringed and not of the first fires. A woman I never met and a man I had never even seen. perhaps other women are better then me when they shrug these things off. Good for them. This.. forgetfulness about me hurts.

I know it cannot be because I do not spend enough time at the fires, because I am there, every day. After my chores.. the chores of an entire family, are finished. After I have fed and bathed my chidlren. After I have washed the clothing, fixed the straps, worked on my own projects, trained with Aamon, sewn the tears, scrubbed the steps, told the stories, cooked the meals, cured the meat.. After all that a million other things.. I come to the fires. Sometimes I go to the stream, to settle in the sweet peace of it's babble. To play with my children.

Certainly it cannot be about this business of tasks? Because I have done every task asked of me, thoughtfully, and perhaps slowly. I take my time about things I deem important. I care for the children fo the broken hearted, the widows sons and daughters. On my own, unasked. I check on Astar, every day.. even though she has all she needs and all I provide is the understanding of friendship. I am growing closer to Oren, as crazy as that seems. Oren is my anchor, she has helped me to understand timing and.. the true meaning of patience. I hate it but I am thankful. Her guidance, which is gentle with me, is just what I need. I do not take it for granted, as I might have .. once. I know her gentleness and kindness with me is special and rare.

So what is it, excatly? What makes me so different? What makes me any less worthy? How can I be expected to know things that have never been told to me? I am fustrated by this guardian business. I do not like feeling this way at all. It is not like me to be unhappy no matter what the situation. I always find the silver lining. I have always strove to the shiny happy girl in yellow.. with tiny white flowers in my hair.

I have had enough of sad. I have had enough of being left behind. I have had enough of being small and quiet. Today I would like to do a little shouting.

And someone better fucking listen.