Big wide world

Tired! I am so tired all of the time lately. Tired, lost and alone. It is a shameful way to feel. I am not accustomed to it and I do not like it. Still, I am unable to shake it off. It is an emotional yoke. Now that we are .. settled, somewhat, among the circle of wagons at the first fires, I have been spending more time with Silver. He has come to realize Trayu is not here, I suppose, and that I am all he gets now. He is not pleased, I can tell, but there is a funny little bond between us now. He has not tried to snap at me in months. Though I have not tried to ride him since he threw me to the ground and split open my head. Sometimes when he snorts at me I get a little pang where the wound was stitched up. I never told anyone about that and I am amused that the outriders never told Fonce either. My humiliating little secret seemed safe.

"And you won't tell." I murmured to Silver as I scratched his neck. I swear he rolled his eyes and if he could have talked he would have tattled on me in a heartbeat. I chuckled softly and then heard Lei come running, hopelessly barefoot and dirty, with a half dozen other children. They skittered past the fire like miniature racing kaiilas and kicked up dust in a woman’s cooking pot. She shouted after them, waving a wooden spoon in the air.

Skies forgive me for my laughter as they reached my steps. It was the same every few days, sometimes a week might pass between visits but never more then that, and less if I was telling a tale in parts. They came for the stories. Lei was tugging on my skirt and urging me to the steps. Silver followed, nudging my shoulder. Everyone was so pushy! And, I admit, I loved it.

Most of the time I felt very alone in the world, even when I was surrounded by people I always felt extremely isolated. A square peg in a round board, the pink flower in a sea of red. It was such a big wide world and I was such a tiny little speck. It wasn’t that I felt sorry for myself, not at all, it was that I had this feeling inside of me of just how small we all are.. how self absorbed we had to be to keep our minds from ever really seeing how itty bitty we are, how little we matter on our own. One by one we were nothing. It was only when we clasped hands that we were anything at all. The story I told today was about the Blue Wind Boy and the White Water Girl. Who ran away together because no one said they could be in love but how later, when their families were so sad they could just die, because we need the wind and the water that much, they returned, united and strong.

The children who came to my fires most where the children like Lei and First Son. Lost children, fatherless. Also and Tug came, though Tug tried to act like a man and pretend not to listen to my childish tales. I think he understood them best, the lessons there. They would linger well past the time of stories, eating their super around my small fire. Which kind of explained why I was asking Fonce for meat so frequently. Until the central fire died away and they scattered to find their own mothers skirts and have their hands and faces washed. It made my heart ache, watching then run back home to quiet wagons and somber mothers. I hoped I wasn’t such a dull woman, immersed in my loneliness that I forgot to be happy.

When I tucked in my own children that night I kissed their sweet pink cheeks and brushed Leis hair back from her face.

"How much do you love me Mother?" She asked me with earnest.

"I love you more than the brightest star and brighter," I kissed her forehead. "I love you to the moons and back."

Lei smiled and turned on her side, pulling the woven blanket up under her chin. I watched her for a moment and then went back outside to sit a while longer on the steps. Silver was waiting for me, sneaky thing and licked my hair, making a bit of mess of me and.. making me laugh out loud. Everything was going to be fine.