Unspoken Promise

"I was looking for Mezoo, Oren." I said warily, my hand clutching Lei's.

Oren smiled at me with a dangerous twinkle in her sparkling eyes. "And yet, you found me."

"I wouldn't want to burden you with the children, Oren."

The cane twitched. Lei let go of my hand and skipped right on over to Oren. She grinned at me too. Little triator!

"Give me the baby, Asria."

We stood there, her and I, for a moment before I began to blush and I gently placed the boy into her strong arms. Lei was dancing around on her toes beside Oren while Oren seemed to simply ignore her. Trayu's son fussed briefly and batted his fat baby lashes at Oren before he closed them again. I saw a strange new look on Orens face.

Pride.

I smiled and leaned over to kiss her leathery cheek. She clicked her tongue at me, just like Lei was wont to do and waved a hand at me.

"Thank you Oren." I spoke, as if she were doing me a favor. What I did not realize is that I, and my children, were doing her a favor.

"Asria." She spoke as I was turning to go. I paused and looked back at her warily. She beckoned me closer to where she sat on the steps and went, leaning down slightly. Oren met my gaze and I knew she could see it all, like a pretty picture book, she could see my heart. I did not look away

She tucked a small white flower behind my ear and then cupped my blushing cheek.

"Do not fall down again. He depends on you."

There was an electric silence between her and I, the kind you could touch if wanted too. Moments passed, Lei was watching us intently.

"I won't Oren." I finally murmured, breaking the bond of our gaze somewhat painfully. I stood up, feeling a quiver in my belly.

She said nothing and I turned to go, late for my day with Aamon again. I left something unspoken between the old women and I.

The tense promise of my perfection. For the sake of Fonce.

Seeking her comfort

Astar is important to me. I suppose our friendship is unlikely, she is the same age as my mother, I spend more time with her daughter Mezoo and since I have moved I have not seen her at all. Fonce had instigated our bond after the.. accident. I should thank him for that. In giving me Astar he gave me a sister, a mother and a friend. When I think of Astar I think of her hands. She has gentle hands. More gentle then most, more so then my own. When I am sad it is often Astar I want to hold me. It is her gentle shushing I want in my ear. It is her hands I want on my cheeks.

Everything in my world is right today. I spent my morning with Aamon, barefoot on the plains learning how to feel all over again. How to feel the wind on my skin and the brush of the grass. I pay more attention now to how my skirt lays against my ankle and how the light catches in certian peoples eyes. I will be a Singer, my daughter will learn to ride, my son has begun to grow and cry less and soon I will be of the first wagons.

But something dogs my steps, something nags at me in the back of my head, something eats me up inside and spits back out this facade of me, a smiling woman who is calm and patient and terribly docile. Something mocks me. Something doesn't see me. Something hurts me. Something is all too aware of somethings unawareness. Somthing sucks.

I sought Astar after lunch, leaving the children with Magda again. I found her by the stream, washing a large square of purple cloth. Shiny gold threads had been woven into it and as she shook it out I was captured by how it played in the light.. how it glimmered. Like I glimmer down deep inside. The silly cloth ruined everything. I was smiling before I began to look. Astar looked up and waved at me, she smiled. I was smiling.

But by the time I had closed the space between us I was crying, big fat pitiful tears were spilling down my cheeks and I hated that cloth. I wanted to tear it from her and stomp all over it. How dare it be so shiny happy! How dare it show itself so freely in the sun! I felt mocked.

I felt absurd.

Astar looked surprised at my sudden shift and I sank to my knees beside her in the grass where she, without question or demand or reprimand, folded me into her slender arms and stroked my hair. I closed my eyes and let her comfort seep into my bones and fill me up. She was the medicine I needed.. a little unconditional motherly love. She rocked me a little, like I was child and, maybe for a moment, I was.

After a while I lifted my head and Astar took my cheeks in her hands and wiped away my tears with her thumbs. She smiled at me as we sat in the dappled sunshine by the stream.

"It will be all right. You will see."

And I .. believed her.

The rest of my day was, some might say, wasted in quiet talk with Astar. If you had passed by us that day you would have been struck by the privacy there seemed to be between her and I . You might have felt unwilling to interupt. Our laughter was soft and quiet. I helped her work on that purple and gold cloth. I silently apoligized to the cloth for my silly hatred.

The cloth, like my heartache, is beautiful.

I may hate it, I may feel jealous of it but it is still beautiful. I might think the purple cloth is a blind fool but it still beautiful. We wrapped it over a low hanging branch from the solitary tree to dry and we sat in it's shade, letting it cool us. It was a day well spent, I think and before I left she told me again...

'It will be all right. You will see."

And I .. believed her.

Jaella gets a grin

Little girls are made of daisies and butterflies and soft kitty cat purrs
And all the precious memories of times that once were.

Little girls are made of angel's wings and giggles and a firefly's glow
And all the happy feelings, deep inside, that we all know.

Little girls are made of cinnamon and bubbles and fancy white pearls
And snowflakes and rainbows and ballerina twirls.

Little girls are made of sunshine and cupcakes and fresh morning dew,
And these are the reasons, little one, why everyone loves you.

My daughter does not smile often. She is often worried and suspicious. She demands order in her world, from the way she keeps her ribbons to touching the bottom step with her fire finger every time she steps off our wagon. Her trust is not easily earned and once broken nearly impossible to repair.

Much rested on the pretty boots that Jaella made for her. Lei was distrustful at first but I sat quietly with her, showing her all the pretty details, all the thought about her specifically had gone into those boots.

"There will not be a great many times in your life when someone will put so much thought into something for you." I told her. It was an honest, if somewhat harsh lesson. Lei nodded though. She was watching closely these days. Watching and making judgements.

I showed her how to tie on her colorful ribbons. Before the love wars we had only had a handful.. now we had a basketful. I showed her how to change the tassels and let her show Also and Tug who, helpfully oo'd and ah'd appropriately.

Finally, hopping down into the dirt, Lei grinned at me. "Jaella is a good boot maker. She will do." She declared before running off to the stream to show the other children.

I smiled watching her go. All was right with the world.

Except my hidden, secret, heart.

Finding my Melody

"Aamon?" I spoke quietly as I neared the man I was directed too. I was wearing a pretty yellow skirt today, made of linen I had traded for at the Love Wars and a matching ribbon was threaded though my braid. My smile was timid.

He looked at me, his hands were damp with oil and studded with salt, he dunked them into a water barrel and then took my hands, both of them in his. "You are Asria, the confused Year Keeper who should be a singer." he told me and I blushed. He chuckled and released my hands. "My son told me to expect you today, come, we have much to discuss."

He seemed a little excited which in turn excited me. I was so fearful of this meeting! I was sure I would be scoffed at, berated. I said little, I felt shy and suddenly very young. A woman came into view as Aamon was washing up and she looked at me coldly.

"I have heard your daughter is a willful beast." She told me. So.. this was Ayg's mother? Charming. My smile slipped a little and I nodded to her.

"I have heard that nasty rumor myself. It is cruel, isn't it? How people will gossip about a little girl who lost her father?" I sighed for her, agreeing with her assessment of my little warrior princess.

Birmmah stared at me for a moment and then turned to snap something at Aamon who seemed to take it all in stride. Holy crow that woman was a demon. They spoke briefly, Birmmah casting me nasty looks now and then before Aamon kissed her cheek and beckoned to me to follow him. I hastened to keep up.

"Forgive me, I did not mean to upset your mate. I am so honored to meet the parents of Ba'ater and Ayguili." I spoke breathlessly as we walked, out though the herds, wandering though the animals as if we had no real destination.

"She is a good woman but under much strain with the absence of Ba'ater."

I only nodded, I understood loss. We walked in silence for awhile until we were far past the herds.. farther then I had ever been out before. I was.. nervous out here, undefended and with a man I did not know well. He was Ayguilis father though and well known to be one of the best in his clan. I was about to burst with questions when he finally stopped and..

"Take off your boots."

".....what?"

"Take off your boots, Asria who wishes to be of the singers."

I hesitated. How I wished I had someone’s hand to hold! I removed my boots and let my bare feet nestle in the soft grass. I was blushing hotly.

"Tell me what you can feel with your feet."

"My feet?"

He did not reply. I nodded and closed my eyes. I stood there for a moment, shifting slightly from side to side. Subtle swaying of my body as I directed everything to the things I felt in my feet.

"There is a tiny pebble under my left toe, it has a jagged edge that tickles the grooves of my skin. I have to keep lifting my toes to move it. The earth is cool today; I can feel it in tiny piles and aerated lines along my soles. It plays games with me, lures me with the promise of coolness if I sit down and dig my fingers into its depths. I can feel the life there, that grows the grass for the bosk.. I feel the Tuchuk under my feet. The grass touches me sweetly, like a woman would. Her fingers light and delicate upon my ankle, a pretty reminder that she is there.. waiting, always waiting, growing and feeding. I feel the tribe beneath my feet, I feel .. love."

Kings was I high? I paused and opened my eyes a little, squinting. I expected to find him laughing. Instead I found him.. smiling. I opened my eyes wider and smiled too. "It is not only grass."

"No, it is not only grass." he agreed.

We stood there quietly for a moment before he asked me about the sky, and the bosk. He asked me to tell him about my children and of Trayu. We spoke out there, among the new grass. Now and then outriders passed near us, keeping a watchful eye as we stretched the boundary of the Tuchuk, for Tuchuk land is anywhere a Tuchuk stands in my opinion.

It was nearing supper and I knew Mezoo would be anxious to return the baby and Lei would be worried. I did not want to upset his mate anymore either. We began to head back and I felt a growing disappointment. We had not spoken of singing! We had not spoken of clan at all. He had just asked me over and over again to tell him about things and people.

"Aamon.. Are you not going to ask me to sing for you?"

"You did sing for me." He replied with a knowing smile.

"What do you mean? I have not sung at all. What if I have no tune? What if I have no melody? What if.." I was charging off a cliff and he held up a hand to me. His palm faced up and he gestured to my own hand. I was so sad as I placed my hand over his.

"You sung for me today, and for the grass and the bosk and the sky. You sung of your family, your friends and your loves."

I was trying to understand.. but I had only spoken of those things.. in great detail, at great length. I had made him laugh and moved him once. I had touched his heart with the tales of my world.

"But I have no melody..." I whispered.

He folded his hand over mine and pressed my palm to my chest, over my heart.

"Yes, you do."

And realization dawned.

Almost an Omen

Mezoo chuckled when she told me "It is almost an Omen."

I bristled a little. I am not enamored of the Spex clan. I do not like the way people like Fonce and Magda sometimes look at me, or my children. I do not like feeling like they know things I do not know.. about myself, my life, my children. I know so many do like them and seek their help, but I am .. suspicious. I have heard unpleasant rumors about what Fonce does in his clan and I have seen little glimmers of Magda’s.. umm.. talents. Mezoo saw the way my lips tensed and she smiled at me and assured me she meant nothing bad. I felt silly I suppose, I tend to get jumpy about omens. I wanted to ask her what she meant but I was terrified to actually know. My change of clans.. an omen?

We chatted happily for awhile, I miss my long talks with Mezoo. I still recalled when she told me all about Ayguili and I hope he knows that half my trust of him is dependant on Mezoo's trust of him. She is younger then I but very wise. Her judgment is not to be ignored. She loves the Ubar, it is evidenced in her every little nuance. When she speaks of him the corners of her mouth dance. I envy that, I am not even sure I had that with Trayu. He was my childhood sweetheart, we knew forever that we would be together so there was no.. courting really. I envy their bravery and their simplicity.

I asked Mezoo if she would watch the baby while I went to go see the Ubars Father and she agreed, all too quickly. I have faith in her though and I know she will do fine. I let her know where to find Magda should she need her

Yamka was there too and I tried hard to draw her into the conversation. Her silence around me confuses me so much and it hurts me. I do not know what I have done to make her avoid my gaze but if I did, if I had even the slightest of ideas.. I would apologize without question. Yamka and I were once close. There had been a friendship blooming between us.. until the accidental accusations of where I was spending my time.. and how much the not so whispered rumors affected my daughter. They still affected our lives, it is not easy to be a woman alone whose morals are so openly judged. But, I held my head high and knew I was above all that, I knew it had all been a misunderstanding. So I tried again to reach out to Yamka, even today, a day which was rather huge for me and the rest of my life. I paused to speak to the leather worker.

She said she never wanted to stand up for herself or add her opinion and I told her how.. horrible I think that is and how sad! We are women of the first fires, women of the Tuchuk. What we have to say matters to people, to men. Stupid women are not invited to be among the household of the Ubar after all. Yamka is a beautiful addition to the fires, she is an amazing leather worker and is among the few blessed enough to be asked to work for the Ubar. I think, after a while she began to understand what I was saying because she brought something over to me.

A small wooden baby rattle. I was quiet, watching her place it in my sons chubby baby hands. He grasped it happily, touching Yamkas hand briefly and I felt a little tightening in my chest. Yamkas gift touched me deeply.. it was the first gift anyone had given to my son. I was not really part of the Ubars household and no one but Magda had spent much time with me after he was born, no one had brought gifts. Astar cooked for us for a few days and Oren came and went, telling me off at every turn for wild I let Lei run.

There was a real omen in that statement. That was a foreshadow.

Shortly after that though.. our wagons had been moved to the first fires and Oren was not likely to come to see me here and Astar had her own life to live. Mezoo was here but she had bigger things to handle now and really.. mothering? It's what I do best, I did not need much help. I did need.. chatter though and I had been lonely before the children had all begun to find me and force me back out into the world.

Yamkas gesture, the gift of an old baby rattle, strengthened my bond with the tribe as a whole. She reaffirmed my decision to follow my heart.. In all kinds of ways. She reminded me of selflessness and love and what family is.. and can be. I do not think Yamka has any idea how much her gesture affected me. when she has a child I will be the first one there to gently press this small wooden rattle in the palm of her first born.

The magic I was feeling was broken when Karvek arrived, he sat on my wagon steps without noticing all the bits of colored chalk and baby blankets and little rolling beads that littered my space. I was sitting with Mezoo closer to the fire. My son was now in Mezoos arms, using the rattle like a true Tuchuk man.. and beating the poor woman over the head with it.

I asked Karvek is he was satisfied with the work done on his wagon and Yamka mentioned her father had helped. I thought that was terribly brave of him, to come this close to the main fires, but it said a lot about her family and clan. Others came first, even at their own risk. Karvek seems .. distant, which I found an amusing thought because he had always been distant. I was not sure he even knew who I was. I knew it was more then that, we all did.. but we all kept mum. It was not our business to talk.. just out business to sooth. We are women after all.

Mezoo asked him to help her with Trayus son and I readily agreed, perhaps I am too trusting but I was.. hungry for my son to know a man. I had hoped Fonce would have.. taken an interest in the boy but he did not even look at him, much less touch or hold or smile. Karvek seemed to like children though.. but he refused and inwardly I sighed. What would happen to my son if he had no man to model himself after? I made a mental note to speak to Astar about my growing concerns soon.

Karvek did not stay long.. Yamka left and then he suddenly rose, spilling some of the marbles off my platform as he mumbled something and rushed away. I do not understand, entirely, his ... his.. well, all of his that is his.. I do not understand it but I do not know him well enough to ask. I am growing concerned though, because I watched him kind of lose it the other day.. and suddenly I thought it not so bad that he avoided my son as well.

I kissed the baby and Mezoo goodbye at long last and left the fires. I had a date with someone’s daddy.. and.. my destiny.

"Rest well, little singer"

After I left Fonce I hurried back to the main fires. There was a little storytelling going on and I was nearly distracted from my task. It was one of those now or never moments though and I was fully charged. The energizer bunny had nothing on me.

I had to drag him from the fires too, because this was not the sort of thing you bring up in mixed company, not yet. This was too shiny and new and too fragile for me. It went really well, we spoke briefly of what I wanted and what made me happy. I tried to explain to him that I was thinking too of the first fires and the tribe. The Ubar had no Singer and I thought that was just.. awful. I was excited to be something that was.. needed.

The Ubar.. has asked for my trust and I hate that I hesitate to give it to him. I hesitate though because I need the space of a moment to let Fonces words echo in my head. He trusts Ayguili to do what is right for me. If I do not trust ayguili then I do not trust Fonce, right?

And they women are complicated!

So I will trust in Fonces trust of Ayguili and tuck my mental hand in the folds of the Grays. It feels a little like walking off the edge of a cliff but here I am, ready to fall. I know part of this is because of what Seveya did. Ayguili wants to be sure that I will trust him enough to speak to him before I do anything.. rash. I do not think he has to worry though; I am not a rash woman. I do things slowly, in my own time. I poke and prod and taste before I dip my toe into big decisions.

Like this one.

Ayguili has given me a wonderful gift, he has offered me the names of one of the Tribes greatest singers. His Father. I am not sure what has made the Ubar suddenly see me as worthy of such a thing. I never thought he was a big .. fan of me and my ways.

Speaking of which, he has also assigned one of his men to look after my wagon. I suppose really that is to make me stop asking Fonce, which kind of makes me smile. It is not even I who asks Fonce for so many little things.. It is Lei. But I don’t discourage her at all. I am extremly thankful for the Ubars thoughtful consideration of me and my children.

There was some discussion of how much time I was spending at the fires with the others and some of my sparkle faded from my eyes. I have less free time to chat and sit then other women because I have more responsibilities.. untraditional ones. I asked if he had not seen the wild stampedes of children that had been visiting my wagon steps? When I was among the outer wagons it was less noticed and after Trayus death it slowed for awhile. Since I have been moved to the first wagons though it has picked up again and with fervor! Not a day goes by that I am not .. inundated with ragamuffins. Lei was in heaven with so many children about to boss around and I was .. what was I feeling? Fulfilled seems like such in inadequate word for the way it made me feel. I was, simply, happy. I spent countless hours caring for the widows children, of all our clans. I was teaching little girls how to mend and how to braid each others hair. I was amusing little boys with sweet cakes and tales of daring warriors who saved the day and returned from every battle.

Unlike their fathers. Unlike Trayi and Pacu.

I had been visiting Astar too, her gentle reassurance about my ideas was exactly what I needed. I spent an afternoon of washing with her and we spoke about them.. Trayu and Pacu. It was the first time we really did that, without tears or anger. Quiet memories. But that is for another day.

What I was doing with the children was extremely personal to me. I had not been given anyone to take care of, I had not gone and selected a lonely soul to assist for a short while. I just threw open the door to whoever chose to cross the threshold.. with muddy feet and dirty fingers and sad little smiles.

This was why my sparkles faded a little. If I had to choose between spending my time brightening the hearts of the fatherless or having tea with those I called friends? Oh don't even ask me to choose between the two, how could any woman make that kind of choice? But I promised to try harder, to make more time to see everyone.

"In a few days we will speak again." he told me. And then kissed me, his hand felt heavy and awkward on my shoulder as he leaned to kiss my temple like I was a wayward child and it made me smile. "And relax little Asria, things all come in the Sky's time."

I knew what he meant and nodded, my cheeks were pink and I had not unclasped my hands for most of our conversation. Before we parted he said something that lifted me right up again, made my chest tighten and my face brighten.

"Rest well little singer."

This is how we dance

I had so much.. song in my heart when I left the children and Scoot with Magda. I had put myself in a strange sort of position where I was mothering about a dozen children and finding it hard to find time to myself. Everywhere I went I was followed by small feet and shy giggles. I did not mind, it was fulfilling to be needed.

Skies was I happy.

Happy in that breathless, bright eyed kind of way. Oh sure I was.. lonely and lonely enough now to notice the empty place in my heart. Where my butterflies lived. It doesn't come all at once you know, the lonely. It comes in stages. At first, after loss.. you feel it intensely, you are consumed by the loss. It was like having part of my body removed. You are broken, shattered. Not everyone gets past that stage but I am Asria of the Tuchuk and I would not dishonor Trayu's memory, my children.. or those I called family by such a show of weakness. I am weak, let us be clear. I am a weak, soft, sometimes confused woman. But I can be weak and be strong, I walk that fine line. I know I can spiral down either side when I must and I know how to climb back up again. I am a Tuchuck woman. I am Tuchuk. I am woman. After that, things grow quieter, the screaming in your head becomes, slowly over time, little mewling kitten sounds. Always there but easier to ignore. I had Lei to care for, I worried about Astar, I followed Fonce to the first fires and then I had my son. I have dealt with my loss, felt it, swum in it, drank it up and made love to it. Loss. It was mine and now.. I have let it go.

Now I want to live.

In order to live though, live for me, live for my children and live for the Tribe.. I have to look deeply at myself and the path I am walking down. I spent a great deal of time thinking about things that have been said to me in my lifetime.

My mother laughing as I sang to her about how soap bubbles were born (they came out woman’s fingers, of course) My father telling me to stop dancing and come look at the wheel beads with a twinkle in his eye.

I recalled countless hours of sitting at my mothers knee, learning all the things women do, listening to my father explain again and again about the way we kept time, the way we marked it. But all I really recall are the things I thought about. Games I wanted to play, dresses I wanted to make, flowers I wanted to pick, things I wanted to paint and draw. I was unable to concentrate on my parent’s clan and I think my father knew it. We spoke once, briefly, when I was around 14, about clan. There had been talk of me spending time at all the different clan fires before any decisions were made.

But then my mother.. and the leather worker from the first wagons.. Everything changed and the plans were forgotten. I had to step in for my mother then and my father was growing ill. There was no more idle time for discussion of my future. Trayu was there with me then.. sneaking me away to kiss behind the wagons in the middle of the night. I was fourteen and so hopelessly in love. Trayu was a year keeper, my father was a year keeper. What else was there for me to do? I would join the year keepers.

But later.. I recalled other times, when I sung to Lei as a baby and Magda would listen to me tell her a story with her eyes closed so she could better 'see' my words. Trayu too would listen but.. he was less impressed. Sometimes I think my stories bothered him, looking back I think I know why. He had this ideal of us, a pair of Yearkeepers, like our parents and their parents.

Later still.. Fonce had grown angry with me when I admitted why I was a year keeper. Fonce's displeasure with me always stays with me. I incur it by accident and have yet to discover the secret of soothing it.. but I never let it go. I have been holding it in a tight little ball inside of me. Whenever our eyes meet I can feel it pulse. He may have completely forgotten the way he looked at me that day but I have not. it is another fine line I walk. Fonce has all these expectations of me, I think.. but won't tell me what they are because the biggest expectation of all is that I should already know. I am not permitted to falter.

My name is Asria and I am a tight rope walker mind reader in a pink tutu.

Sigh.

Telling him my identity was based on what someone else decided put another crack in my pedestal. How is this thing even still holding me up? How many times to do I have to hurt it before it crumbles and someone.. catches me?

or I fall and break my neck.

What was my point again? Right.. clan. I was all filled up with bubbly happy but I am always slow to share my happy bubbles, I am all too aware how much people like to burst them. I knew exactly who I needed to speak to first. I know he is not my guardian but.. he is. Go ahead and screw with my family if you have doubts. Fonce knows parts of me I think I hide, what everyone else sees as concrete he sees as a veil. He looks right at me, right though me. I think.

Anyway.

I ran to find him, spill my happy bubbles like soap all over his hands. Telling him would begin to clean up all the dirty blood between us. A small beginning but... even mountains can grow out of anthills.

He was pleased. Pleased enough that even in the midst of his personal mess, he smiled for me. He gave me a joke.. or a tease. He certainly gave me a blush.

"I wanted your approval, very much Fonce. It means everything to me. Thank you so much!" I kissed his cheek.

"You have it .. I see this as a good change for you and a mature change if you are realizing you have talent and desires beyond what Trayu held."

It was the first time he brought up Trayu that I did not look away, or look down or let go. It simply flowed from his lips to my ear and.. was. I kept my hand on his arm and did not hear Trayu in my head anymore. He told me Trayu would have wanted me to be happy, he just had not realized I needed to be asked.

"Skies your hard to crack Fonce."

"Depends on what you want .. Asria." His pause before my name, there are unspoken words inserted there. Woman of Trayu, Woman I will not smudge, Miss Madonna, Mother of children, Patron Saint of widows. All the things he puts before my name to keep me unattainable. To keep that space there. I want to eat that space, lick it up like ice cream until it is gone. I want to respect it. I want to understand it more before I deny it.

"What crack you are looking for?" He asked me, I saw a wary glimmer in his dark eyes. I could say the wrong thing and the ground would open up and swallow me. I know this because I often say the wrong thing and the ground eats me up. Fonce walks away with curled fists.

I am the muse of his anger.

As I always did and always will, I breathed deeply and said what I felt.. and risked his anger. I do not censor myself for the enjoyment of others. "The crack that I fit in. The one I can slip inside of while you are looking the other way and then you'll look back and I'll just be there and you will want me to stay there. That, little, crack."

The twitch of his lips was.. not unhappy.

"You must know that women attempt to get my attention all the time and touching my arm or kissing me on the cheek is not going to be much more intense than someone rubbing a wet pussy across my thigh."

I'm not making that up! He said that! And me.. a woman who has said worse things in the night, done wonderfully unladylike things under the cover of dark.. blushed. I squirmed. I stumbled over my tongue and the tips of my ears went red.

Fonce chuckled. I suppose my blushing response is like filler for the cracks in my pedestal. I take out a chunk and he steadily repairs it. Bastard. There was a tense, amused silence between us before I spoke again.

"What.. would get your attention Fonce? What would make you look at me like.. I am a woman?"
"I .. honestly ... am not sure Asria." No pause, no unspoken title to keep me away, I had taken another step. "I actually wish I knew the answer to that."

I bit harder into my lip, I tasted blood on the inside of my cheek. I had to tell him the one thing I would never do to get his attention, no matter how it sounded. I had to say it so he would never, ever, wonder. "I would never submit to you. I'm not judging anyone else for it.. but.. I won't do that, I couldn't."

The easy way he took that promise, and it was a promise, buoyed me. I knew it was the right thing for once. All women are different, what is right for one is not for another. I do not know if Fonce knows about my mother and I am too ashamed to tell him. But I will never submit to a man of my own free will.

We spoke briefly of .. mating and attention and I admitted to him something that might have surprised some people but I think it reassured Fonce. It soothed me, at any rate.

".. Yes. I want your attention. I want you to look at me as a woman you could like.. that way. But I am not.. saying I want to be your mate. You were right before, I do not know you well enough to think that.. far ahead. But I know when I am alone with you.. I want you to kiss me. I stand here talking and wondering what I would actually do if you just kissed me. I want you to wonder the same thing, Fonce. And..."

He cut me off with a smirky grin. "Well then .. submitting would be rather against the point unless you want to .. beg ... to kiss me."

Blush, my ears hurt they were so hot! I was offended at the implication of what he said but too tongue tied to protest it. I laughed instead, mostly at myself. "I forget what I was saying now!"

He laughed, how I have missed that sound. "You were about to go tell the Ubar you would like to switch clans."

I let go of my hands to swat at his arm. I wonder if I looked as.. shiny as I felt "You were about to say would go with me and hold my hand while l I told him."

He snorted, like a beast! But his eyes were happy! "Not a chance. Now scram and get it done and .. good luck I think this is a good idea"

Go be a big girl, little Asria. Show me that you can.

The world was spinning on the proper axis and I hope I gave Fonce a small reprieve from the demands made on him lately. I know I, too, make demands of him but this has all been very different. Not wrong, just different. I could not need him less because he had a drama to deal with. And I know Fonce just well enough that if I had not gone to him with this, right now, when I needed too.. he would have been irritated with me.

Thank the Skies I love riddles.

How do you do?

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

Her name is Jaella, this woman I met the other day. She was sitting by the stream with Fonce and the easy line of his shoulders told me I would like her. Isn't that funny? Women that make him comfortable always turn out to be the kind of women I grow closest too. Like Cana. Cana has been very busy though and I have not seen her much. I was hungry for friendship.

Enter Jaella.

She was sweet and obviously light hearted but thoughtful. I feel like we have met before, maybe under a different sky. Lei ignored her mostly, she always does that with new people, but later she remarked that Jaella was pretty. A high compliment from the Tuchuk Princess!

I have asked Jaella to make Lei a pair of good, sturdy but pretty, boots. Boots, you'll recall, have become such a problem. I never found another leather worker who did such good work as Yamka but I knew I could never really ask Yamka again.

Jaella did not barter with me, our conversation abut the pretty boots was easy and I think offering trade would have made it too perfuntionary. I do not want to trade with her anyway, I don't want to do business with Jaella, and instead I will give her a gift in exchange for the boots.

Somehow, that seems to make much more .. sense.

I met her mate earlier, Sahli. I liked him too. I got the impression he was the kind of man that would stop his own task to help you in yours and never think a thing about it.

Once, in Fonces supply wagons (my personal mall), I found a small metal toy that I gave to Lei. It is two metal rings that are each all twisted up and you are supposed to try and separate them. It IS possible, I did it once. But it is really very hard and once you do the toy is worthless. They belong together, two halves of a whole.

The children and I have been invited to supper and I , for one, cannot wait!

Glistening

It is all about your eyes
How they look right though me
And look right at me.
Oh, how I ...glisten

It is all about your mouth
How it smiles when I smile
And how it never says what I want it to.
Oh, how I ...glimmer


It is all about your hands
How they sit upon your knees
And never reach to grab my own.
Oh, how I ...shimmer.

It is all about everything
How much I want it all for me
And how much I might never have it.
Oh, how I ...wither.

-mine, all mine

Wide eyed spy

I feel so guilty now. Several days ago Magda had come to the first fires to visit, the old spex/friend was disturbed by the fatigue she saw on my face. I looked older, as tired people do and when she commented on it I forced a smile, as tired women do.

"I am fine, Magda, you are overreacting, you always do."

She took the baby from me, clucking at me like a hen. "Go wash yourself, you look like you were bathed by a sleens tongue."

".. Thanks so much." I sighed, lifting a hand to my limp braid. I was rather hard pressed to recall my last hot bath alone. Magda left me, taking the children with her and I, realizing I had a few hours to myself and a bottle of turian skin oil left, smiled. I grabbed the bucket Catch had been using to keep my water barrels full and began the walk to the stream.

Halfway there though my steps slowed. I saw Karvek, the Uncle of Seveya. I had barely met him but once and had never gotten the impression he was a very.. approachable man. So, with that in mind, I did not approach him or speak to let him know I was watching. I was taken aback by what I saw. He was building, feeding a bon fire. I had seen the fire, of course, from my own wagon but assumed it was for a party or some celebration.

It was very clear to me that Karvek was not celebrating. I had only heard the news that morning and easily put two and two together. I'd never really seen anyone so openly angry before. Men tended to hide their anger from me, they tended to shield me from it. Apparently I was too delicate for anger? The idea always bothered me but watching this kind of anger made me a little bit grateful for the kid glove way I was often handled. I am not sure I would want to be privy to this kind of emotion from someone. Especially if directed at me.

I watched as leather canvas fell to the ground in ruined, defiled heaps. I stayed awhile, watching as he tore them into smaller bits and threw them, as if they were prickly bits of tangible thought, into the fire. I had such an urge to go and tell him to cut it out. That he was being .. too dramatic. That it was not as bad as it seemed. I had not thought he had even known Seveya that well. But then I really didn’t know much about how and what these days. I wanted to make that man a cup of tea he wouldn't drink and tell him to stop making a spectacle of himself. I wanted to smooth the dirty creases on his forehead and make it all right again.

I didn't.

I just watched until I heard someone calling my name and I, startled out of my own head, turned and quickly fled back to the fires of my own wagon where my children and smiles and happiness waited for me.

I'd spied on something I should not have and I suddenly felt much dirtier then I was. It’s been several days now and I walked by his wagons again this morning, on my way back from the stream and an early morning bath. He seemed to be gone and no wonder.. his wagon was.. uncovered.

I made a detour to see the leather workers. I like to fix things. By the time he returned there would be a new tarp on that wagon, but it would be plain and dull and much less.. interesting then the one Seveya had painted.

I found that to be really, very, sad.

"Sing to me, Asria"

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I took the one less traveled and that,has made all the difference. -Frost

There is tension.. everywhere. It is thick like butter, but cold butter. I couldn’t wiggle my fingers in it enough to understand. I had gone, last night, to see the fires of the Year Keepers with my children and a little boy we called Scoot. Scoots father had died in the love wars and his mother was handling it very, very badly. Scoot had been lingering at my wagons like a stray puppy so I had simply folded him into our little family for now. He was seven. He was heartbroken.

The four of us ate supper with the Year Keeper elders, listening to happy stories of years past. The Year of the Yellow Storm, The Year of the Two Headed Bosk and so on. Someone told the story of the night I was ringed, and claimed. They did not know all of it but I decided not to interject. I was letting go, you see. Really letting go. I listened with a small smile and watched as the baby was passed around.

I had come to realize that Tayran was much to busy to be the mentor I needed. I had realized something else as well. I was never going to be just another Year Keeper, I was the story teller of my clan and I needed, so badly needed, this to be accepted and stamped with pretty approval. I thrive on approval you know. I need to make people happy in order to maintain my own happiness. I no longer care what that says about me, I cannot see wanting others happiness as being a bad thing.

I had my chance to speak at the fires, to explain how I kept time, to explain my painted memories and my tales. I explained my time spent with the children and how I felt that the best way to honor Trayu and my clan was not by being Trayus replacement but his compliment. I cannot do what he did. The wheel calendar lacks the life he gave it because it was only his to give. But I can read it, I can explain it to you, I can tell you the stories and make you feel them. I can inspire emotions with words.

There was a brief argument over what I said. Some thought I should have been a singer but others argued that I was not really suited for that. I admit, a little shamefully, that the idea appealed to me. I would be so much better as a singer then as a Year Keeper. The idea of changing clans was not entirely new, it had come up before. It was obvious, I suppose, to every one but me that I was not cut out for being a Year Keeper.

But was I meant to be a singer?

The elders were so calm abut the whole thing. It was reassuring to me that no one was actually angry with me, no one was blaming me for being a failure, and I felt like a failure. How could I not? But the kindness I was shown, kindness for Asria, not for Trayus widow.. just for Asria, was heartwarming. The woman beside me pressed her leathery cold hand to mine and said the most important words I would hear that night.

"If your heart is singing, your words will follow."

I think I started to cry a little and I blushed, grinning sheepishly as I wiped away a tear and rolled my eyes at myself. I couldn't explain to her how relieved I was! The decision would be made final by them but it would come from one person first. Me.

I am a widow, a mother of 2, a lagging prospect to the first fires but.. despite all of that, I have never made a decision so big on my own. Life altering.

The next morning, despite all the tension, I knew I had to speak to my guardian, I needed his thoughts and his opinions. No one on else on the harriga would know better then he would what I should do because no one else was as invested in my life and my little family as he was. No one else was as deeply entrenched in my heart.. which might be singing.

I got halfway to his wagons when I remembered... Fonce is not my guardian anymore and it was Ayguili I was supposed to seek.

Because it was safer? Safer. Because I love Asria you can't be mine.

........

Fuck that.

I took a deep breath and pressed my shoulders back a little.. and then went looking for Fonce.

Gone to stay

Fly away from me
i cannot bear the way you look at me
with eyes that cannot see
eyes that cannot reach
me

leave me Trayu
hop from my outstreched finger and
let me breath the air that does not taste of you
i want to paint a picture that does not
contian
your kiss

When i touch my fingers to my mouth
i feel your lips too softly on my own
i need to let it goi need to let you
Fly
away from me

Let me be in peace
i will put you away in my heart
buried way down deep like tattered silk
only to be remembered in the darkest of times
and only
only
with my every waking breath

i am letting go
i will never let go
Shut away inside my heart
Gone
To stay

Forever

-mine

Black and White: Pink and Red

I heard, of course, everyone heard. That another woman had submitted to Fonce. I was sitting on my steps with a basket of sewing and the baby sleeping fitfully in a basket at my left hip. I made neat tiny stitches. It was a strange concept to me, submitting to a man. I have loved, and loved wildly, freely.. but I never wanted to submit to Trayu. In fact to do such a thing, I felt, would have dishonored him. Trayu loved me as a free woman, not as just 'another' woman.

But I do not think that is a fair comparison. Seveya submitted to Fonce, I assume because she thought it was the only way she could be his. I don't know why she would think that but.. I have to assume she did. Wasn't it selfish though, to make that kind of decision for a man? To refuse to bear his children and instead kneel at his feet? Or is it not selfish at all to take away his choice and make it for him, make it easier? Could selfishness be.. actually selfless?

I will never understand, I do not think I should even be thinking about it. Thinking about why a woman would submit to a man tarnishes my halo. It puts cracks in my pedestal. If I am even still on a pedestal. I sighed, my lips rubbing lightly against each other. The pile of sewing was growing as Lei, as I had asked her too, had gone to fetch the work of other women, widows like myself. The baby was so miserable so much of the time that I rarely left my steps.. I might as well help them out as so many had once helped me. Stockings, skirts, blouses, vests.. I darned holes and patched frayed knees. I kept my hands busy while I let my mind wander.

Could I ever give up my children? My freedom? For a man? For a man who might not even love me? Could I do all that and say it was for love?

Lei ran past me, following Also and giggling. One of her yellow ribbons came loose and fluttered to the step below my feet. I reached down and picked it up just before the wind tried to take it. The baby stirred, whimpered hungrily and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt.. that I never, ever could.. or would. Even if I had wanted too.. I couldn't. I had a place in the world, here on the plains, and it involved standing on my own two feet, not down on my knees in the dirt.

I finally had the answer to Fonces long ago questions.. what made me different then Seveya? Everything.

And that might ruin everything.

Big wide world

Tired! I am so tired all of the time lately. Tired, lost and alone. It is a shameful way to feel. I am not accustomed to it and I do not like it. Still, I am unable to shake it off. It is an emotional yoke. Now that we are .. settled, somewhat, among the circle of wagons at the first fires, I have been spending more time with Silver. He has come to realize Trayu is not here, I suppose, and that I am all he gets now. He is not pleased, I can tell, but there is a funny little bond between us now. He has not tried to snap at me in months. Though I have not tried to ride him since he threw me to the ground and split open my head. Sometimes when he snorts at me I get a little pang where the wound was stitched up. I never told anyone about that and I am amused that the outriders never told Fonce either. My humiliating little secret seemed safe.

"And you won't tell." I murmured to Silver as I scratched his neck. I swear he rolled his eyes and if he could have talked he would have tattled on me in a heartbeat. I chuckled softly and then heard Lei come running, hopelessly barefoot and dirty, with a half dozen other children. They skittered past the fire like miniature racing kaiilas and kicked up dust in a woman’s cooking pot. She shouted after them, waving a wooden spoon in the air.

Skies forgive me for my laughter as they reached my steps. It was the same every few days, sometimes a week might pass between visits but never more then that, and less if I was telling a tale in parts. They came for the stories. Lei was tugging on my skirt and urging me to the steps. Silver followed, nudging my shoulder. Everyone was so pushy! And, I admit, I loved it.

Most of the time I felt very alone in the world, even when I was surrounded by people I always felt extremely isolated. A square peg in a round board, the pink flower in a sea of red. It was such a big wide world and I was such a tiny little speck. It wasn’t that I felt sorry for myself, not at all, it was that I had this feeling inside of me of just how small we all are.. how self absorbed we had to be to keep our minds from ever really seeing how itty bitty we are, how little we matter on our own. One by one we were nothing. It was only when we clasped hands that we were anything at all. The story I told today was about the Blue Wind Boy and the White Water Girl. Who ran away together because no one said they could be in love but how later, when their families were so sad they could just die, because we need the wind and the water that much, they returned, united and strong.

The children who came to my fires most where the children like Lei and First Son. Lost children, fatherless. Also and Tug came, though Tug tried to act like a man and pretend not to listen to my childish tales. I think he understood them best, the lessons there. They would linger well past the time of stories, eating their super around my small fire. Which kind of explained why I was asking Fonce for meat so frequently. Until the central fire died away and they scattered to find their own mothers skirts and have their hands and faces washed. It made my heart ache, watching then run back home to quiet wagons and somber mothers. I hoped I wasn’t such a dull woman, immersed in my loneliness that I forgot to be happy.

When I tucked in my own children that night I kissed their sweet pink cheeks and brushed Leis hair back from her face.

"How much do you love me Mother?" She asked me with earnest.

"I love you more than the brightest star and brighter," I kissed her forehead. "I love you to the moons and back."

Lei smiled and turned on her side, pulling the woven blanket up under her chin. I watched her for a moment and then went back outside to sit a while longer on the steps. Silver was waiting for me, sneaky thing and licked my hair, making a bit of mess of me and.. making me laugh out loud. Everything was going to be fine.

Presenting... First Son of Trayu

Dear First Son of Trayu,

You were born while the men of the tribe were bravely battling in the Love Wars, upon the plain of 1,000 stakes. I find this somehow fitting for you. Magda will say it is.. auspicious. An omen of how brave and bold you will be. I will tell her this is absurd of course, because you are the First, and only, son of Trayu. You are already brave and bold by virtue of your blood alone. You are unable to walk and can barely hold up your own head but you already bear the weight of a family. You are a legacy. The last of his line.

Your sister already protects you like a vicious asp. She has swatted adult hands who have reached to stroke your soft cheek. They do not always see the amusement in this, not like I do. I hope one day you do as well. Especially when you find yourself defending something she has said or done. And you will. Of little else have I ever been so sure of.

I know you have no father; he had to leave us before we even knew you were coming. Nothing would have made him happier then to know this, First Son of Trayu. He was waiting his whole life for you. While you will never know him as I did, I promise to never let you forget him, or how much he loves you, even now, from the sky.

You are not alone, child. There are men in your life, and I will make sure that it is always so. When you look for the guidance of a man you will turn to Fonce, I expect, as your sister does and I do. Lei has already secured him as your tutor in all things related to wheels and paga. And I cannot think of a better teacher. But I caution you, my son, to be mindful of what you let Fonce show you. While there is no other man on the Harriga I would rather mentor your youth.. there is also no other man I fear as much to teach you. There are parts of Fonce the Tuchuk that I cannot ignore, parts that are too dark for even the brightest slivers of sunshine. Your sister is fearless of those parts of him and sometimes I think I see glimmers in her face, glimmers of those parts. Glimmers that grasp at my heart and squeeze.

Be careful, First Son of Trayu.

Be careful, what you learn from him.

And never forget that no matter what you are loved. No matter what.

I am a woman, I am feminine

It's all right for a woman to be, above all, human. I am a woman first of all. Anais Nin

I am a woman. Do you see that? I have long pretty hair, though I keep it tightly bound in slender braids there is always the hint of movement, the idea that it could be loose and flow about my small shoulders and they are small, my shoulders, the slope gently to my arms. Strong arms, sure arms. Arms that can pull and tug and shove.. and hold and sooth and hug. My hands are slender, slightly long, my fingers tapered. I take care of my fingernails no matter what work I have done. I want to have soft hands, touchable hands. Feminine hands.

My smile is soft, it teases the corners of my eyes. My smile speaks the words of women, the mystery of my sex. The very thing men want to capture, step upon, pick apart and make sense of. Being free means they cannot. Being free means I am free to fustrate them with my smile, with the glimmer of something more in my almond eyes. When I demurely look away I am suddenly a woman and men can only chuckle at themselves and wiles of a woman. Because I am free, I cannot be captured.

I have breasts. Oh I keep them tightly wrapped, hidden from the eyes of others, for I am a modest woman, a feminine woman. When I worry, when I fret, my breath with deepen and grows audible, a little hushing sound though my lips that causes my breasts to rise and fall and remind you.. I am a woman. I am feminine.

My belly slopes, curves into my hips. I have grown life there, inside of me. I have been heavy with child, I have proven again that I am a woman, I am feminine. I am lightly scarred there, marks that will never fade, will never leave me like my children one day will. Now and then I will draw my soft hands over my belly and you might, by accident, shamefully, glance there and recall again.. I am a woman, I am feminine.

My hips are flared, slightly widened with the efforts of child birth. Still they are small, a mans hands can fit there comfortably. My hips rock tightly when I walk, unlike a slaves easy saunter, my gait is more controlled, less feminine. But it hints, as do my hips, that I am a woman, I am feminine.

My skirt is long and heavy, but slit on each side so you may see, now and again, the shape of my calf, the muscle there, the strength I possess in my thighs. Because although I am a woman, and I am exceedingly feminine.. I am a Tuchuk woman and I have known work. True.. I have often had not been forced to work but that never meant I did not. I have never greased an axle and this seems to really, strangely, bother people. The fact that I , Asria of the Year keepers, spent more time raising my children and tending to the fires then getting dirty, or greasing axles because slaves can do it just as well as I. This has torn at my friendships, put wedges between me and those I care about it.

It hurts. And it hurts because I am a woman, I am feminine. My friendships mean everything to me. I need the connections of other women in my life, even more then I need the connection of a man, right now. I am incapable of understanding why, in order to be 'a good Tuchuk' I must get dirty? Why is it so terrible to allow a slave or, shockingly, a man to see to the more.. well, manly things that need to be done? When my wagon wheel breaks I will always ask Fonce to fix it for me. I will offer him a drink while he does it and perhaps a meal. When I need meat for my children I will always depend on a Hunter, most often a man, to get it for me. And if he offers to cut it up for me? I will not object to being spared that ugly task either. I am a woman, I am feminine.. but Skies help me if one more person implies that my feminity alludes that I am weak or unintelligent.

Since I have been brought to the first fires, by Fonce, so many.. many.. many..many months ago, I have been held back because of my feminity. Because I allow men to see to my needs. Because I accept that I am a woman, I am the fairer, weaker, softer sex. It takes strength to accept this, you know. I am not weak for knowing who I am. I am strong for understanding, accepting and dare I say.. relishing my place in a world of men.

I have always sought out Fonce to guide me when things like this upset me, bother me. But this time? This time I do not need his advice and I am rather sure I already know what he would say.

"You are fine just the way you Asria." And he would grin.