Tascos Painting

The painting of wagons means something to me, especially lately, since I finally painted my own. I recall being sheepishly sad that no one but Astar had seen the signifigance in my wagon paintings. In the end though.. it only mattered to my daughter and I.

First son was just beginning to crawl and Lei and I were sitting in the shade of our wagon early this morning, watching him gingerly move around the soft grass. My mind was on other things, mostly the upcoming move and how nervous I was to make it .. without Fonce. I did not think Ayguili would remember all the little things, or his man. They had no real reason too. I was not part of thier personal family they way Fonce and I were family. I sighed thoughtfully and turned my head towards the breeze as the children giggled.

And that was when I saw it. I had missed it ealier, as just another wagon paniting but now... I saw the sunlight bouncing off the colors and they dazzled me, sparkled a bit. it was quite lovely.

"Lei, watch the baby, I will be right back."

She watched me go with a knowing little look and I hurried towards the freshly painted wagon. A warrior of the sky. My breath caught for a moment and I reached out to touch it. This was Tasco's wagon. I knew because I left food on his steps every evening. Food that was left from my distribution walks amoung the woman left behind. Widows did not eat much.

My fingers felt the rigid paint...

"Asria!" I heard and jumped, pulling back my hand guiltily as I turned towards the vioce.

When it feels like a lie

I had gone to see Aamon at last today, but my visit was brief and away from his woman. I  only wanted to let him know I was there and I cared. Aamon already knew but I think he was pleased to see me, however briefly. 

When I returned to the main fires I found Yamka and we chatted briefly. I finally asked her, I had to know.. Just what the hell had I done to make her dislike me so much. I asked her first if she found the gifts I left her. She seemed annoyed that I had bothered and I cannot tell you how much that stung. It seemed like the harder I tried the more she spit at me.  She asked me why I would give her a gift at all.  

"You are my friend Yamka, I know you like yellow as much as I do and I wanted to share the flowers I found. The comb reminded  me of you and I never wore it. I must say though..  that you really seem to .. well.. not like me very much Yamka. If I have ever done something to offend you I wish you would tell me."

Yamka looked at me for a moment  “I found a special pair of boots laying against the stream bank .. ones I worked very hard on.. "

"Oh.. those boots. " I said slowly, I had nearly forgotten about that.  I sat down on my step and sighed. "I was really upset about that. I do not really know how that happened. Fonce said it wasn't any of my business and Lei refused to tell me anything.  Surely you know I never would have let her be so careless with a perfectly good pair of boots. I was irritated with Fonce for weeks for allowing such a foolish thing to happen. I was not there, you know?  Fonce had gone to see Lei and Also alone too.. speak to her about the rumors that were going on then, about me and him? She deserved to hear it from one of us and he asked to do it."

"Maybe during that time someone should have asked me.. instead of condemning me to guilt before I had a chance to say anything.... but the boots hurt more than anything.. "

Her statement irritated me and , I am sure, would have ticked Fonce off quite a bit! "But Yamka.. We did ask you, remember? Fonce spoke with you and then you and I spoke and everything was fine. Lei.. was just barely five, you cannot expect her to understand as we do. No one ever condemned you.. in fact I defended you, every second of that whole thing, I defended you. Even when the Ubar and Fonce were livid with you.. I still defended you."

"And did anyone tell her the truth after all was said and done?"

"Fonce did, Yamka." I was bristling a little, I admit. I did not like the implication that Fonce had 'lied' to my daughter.  While I know the bond between him and her is.. thin now, it was strong then and I would not allow it to be questioned or so easily tarnished. 

" I wish that entire incident to be left where it belongs.. in the past."

"And it has been, by everyone but.. I think, you. It hurt me more then anyone else, you realize that? It hurt my daughter too.. but we forgot about it,  I never blamed you, I was never for a second, angry with you.. but ever since then .. you have acted like I have somehow personally offended you."

"I think you mistake my actions for something else Asria.. my life has not been as easy as yours.. there are many things I think about or did daily that had nothing to do with anyone of the 1st fires.. I have never had anything against you.."

I tried not to be hurt by that statement. By the idea that my life had been easy. My mate had died for the tribe. Can I repeat that? My mate had died for this tribe. I have to live with that forever. The father of my children died so that I could be a prospect to the first fires for nearly two years and then told my life was easy. I am raising children alone but because I allow a slave to grease my axle I am a spoiled pampered woman. Day by day it grows harder to swallow how much this hurts. I do not have a guardian I can speak too about this. I must have looked at Yamka for a long time.. thoughts of how easy my life was dancing though my head. I've known death, father, brothers,  two sisters.. I have known betrayal, my mother, our friend. I have known uncertainty, being 15 and alone. I have known heartache, twice. I have known childbirth and loss and confusion. How dare anyone imply my life was easy? I wanted to cry. But instead.. I smiled. 

"Good, then.. good. Everything is fine."

"yes everything is fine... now.."

But I do not believe her and for the first time.. I know distrust.

Waters new path

Yesterday was almost a simple day. I stayed close to the fires, to my wagon and near the Ubars. My song had been finished for what seemed like ages, two songs really because when I was nearly finsihed with one.. he went and changed the whole thing. I hope the surprise was not too evident on my face. I finished the second one and I am pleased with it. On top of that, I had an issue. I've grown used to waiting, the Ubar is a busy man. Too busy, I think.

I have heard what is going on with Cana and I heard the news of Ba'ater, who I never got to know very well. I tried twice to do.. something useful but Cana has more then enough friends and everything had been seen too. So for her too, I wait.. because the thing I can do best for her is just be here when she needs a gentle smile and a silent ear.

Yamka came to the fires last night and I smiled at her. She is being persecuted by a wicked bird and I listened quietly for a moment, my mind was a million miles away really. Tasco arrived and shouted my name to grab my attention. Which worked! Half the harriga must have heard that. At least he was laughing as he looked at me. So naturaly I said something silly and terribly.. unfunny.

'I was daydreaming of your little tuchuk babies."

Skies I did not mean OUR babies! I just meant babies, his.. one day. Yamka did not react which served to embaress me further but was entirely the proper thing to do. Tasco, on the other hand, was kind of .. angry with me. I owe that man a make up favor. I think I have been a little too wound up lately, there is more then I can contain going on up in my head, things I cannot yet admit even here.

"I am going for a walk by the stream." he declared and I only hesitated a moment.. mostly to give Yamka a chance to go with him. When she was quiet I asked if I could join him, he replied by telling me to hurry up already.

Yamka did not answer my be well, twice.

Tasco and I walked a ways in companionable silence and then, each of us quietly waded into the stream, though he went much father then I. It's fitting isn't it? I stayed close to the shore, where it was safe and he splashed his way to the middle. Only then did we begin to talk. It was a simple easy conversation about .. men and women and anger and jealousy. Tasco is not a man who tolerates much of that sort of thing and frankly niether do I. He showed me the scar a scorned woman gave him and I touched it. I touch too much, I know. He did not seem to mind.

I wonder if he realizes that this time it will not be him left with a scar?

Tasco and I are good friends and I hope it stays a strong fireldship between us. My heart is not as fickle as it may seem. I am simply.. practical and patient. Life goes on no matter what I want and I can only follow along, like water.. cutting my new paths slowly and lazily, though solid rock.

When we were finished talking of this I felt relieved in my decision to nurture our friendship. I hope others feel the same and continue to nurture thier friendships with him. He is a good man, no matter what he says. He is not looking for a woman right now, something we agreed on quickly but he admits.. one day.. he will have a dozen children. But that day, is not today.

We walked back to the fires talking easily and chuckling at the woman who had fed him supper tonight. Tasco will never want for a hot meal, there are at least two dozen women clamoring to cook for him. I am a little prideful to have been the first of the main fires. Well.. prospect, eternal, infernal prospect to the fires.

I really need to find the Ubar.

But first.. I am going to leave a gift for Yamka. On her top step a small glass jar with a yellow ribbon tied around it and a fistful of white daises tucked inside, beside it I left a small and delicate shell comb. It had been my mothers and I hoped she would like it. I lingered there a moment, wanting to speak to her but in the end I said nothing and made my way slowly back to my own wagon.

All too aware of your stare

The tension grows and I have no idea what to do about it. I am all too aware of how Yamka feels for Tasco and I am all too aware of how she feels I should feel about how she feels about Tasco. What I do not know.. is how Tasco feels.

Or maybe .. I do?

Last night I brought him a meal, I had watched him make his move with a few of his friends. They joked loudly and seemed happy. He has good friends, that says a lot about a man, though Tasco would deny it. I was working on my song and the simple act of cooking a meal for someone other then my children was just what I needed to let me think about the song. I can be distractable and need something to keep me mindlessly busy.

When he finally stopped and mopped his brow with a rag I want to take and wash, I saw Yamka approach and I admit, shamefully, that it made my heart sink a little. It is taxing to dodge her looks, looks I am not sure I even deserve yet. I offered them both a bowl of stew. It was very simple, they way Fonce likes his. All my fancy spices I collected and dried were left out. I did not know yet how Tasco likes his food.

It was nice at first, I sat down on his step and the three of us chatted. A man named Teng joined us and I instantly found him admirable. Teng is excatly what I think of when I think of the ideal Tuchuk man. Selfless and eager to help. He should be at Yamkas wagon by now, fixing the wheel of hers that gave her so much trouble. I will never, ever understand why some women are so afraid to admit or ask for a mans help. My biceps are not so big.. why would I want them to be? While I can do what I need to do.. I appreciate not always having too. I am comfortable asking for help. The kind of men I admire want to be asked anyway.

When Teng left the topic turned ot him for a moment and I managed to demonstrate once more my child like belief in the good of all men. Tasco chuckled but he did not tousle my hair like many others do, he did not assume my opinion made me foolish or immature. I wish I could thank him for that but I do not think he knows how meaningful that was to me.

"If you were the man in charge of me.. would you want me to be any different?" I asked him. I knew that Fonce liked me just as I was, I knew that if anyone had tried to change me, to make me more like.. others, he would be irritated by it and more irritated if I went along with it. I am the embodiment of that mans expectations of a good tuchk woman..and mother.. and widow. Whether I like it or not. For now I am acepting that and owning it and making it mine. I am still very young, we all are. There will be.. time. On the other hand I know the Ubar wishes I was more like the other women but he has come to accept me the way I am, even if he does not understand it. I wish we had spoken more, I wish I had gotten him to like me. Things today would be so different if I had. I am greatful though for the man he has who quietly sees to heavier repiars and has been providing meat. Between he and Fonce's contributions I am well equipped to feed the amount of people who dine at my fire in the afternoons, mostly children but children can eat as much as most grown men!

So I asked Tasco this and he looked at me carefully and I nearly blushed. "I would want you to be.. aware." he told me. I did not try to defend that or explain it because I liked that answer. it was protective, it was what I need to know. I had almost forgotten Yamka was there but she offered us sweetbreads which Tasco, filled with stew and flat bread, refused but I took one to nibble on even though I was not hungry. Because Yamka made it and I thought that was special for her to offer me one. I'll take whatever frayed strings of friendship I can from her. I want us to be friends.

Talk changed to .. fathers and mothers and Yamkas father. Tasco asked me what I was thinking about and I told him how thankful I am for my family, for the people who weave in and out of my life. Every one of them shapes me, changes me. None of are stagnant pools, we are all offshoots of the same river. The pebbles and bits that float from one to the next is what makes us who we are. No man is an island.

Yamka wandered to her own steps and then Tasco had an urgent need to .. go do whatever men do and I had to get back to the children. I parted ways with them and returned home with much on my mind. Mostly.. about Yamka and friendship. I am worried that my friendship with Tasco hurts her, but I worry too that not being friends with Tasco would hurt him.. and me. I have never not befriended someone, especially someone who I hit it off so well with, so quickly. Tasco reminds me of something I cannot put my finger on, like I knew him once before but have forgotten.

This is one of those things I once would have run to my father or Trayu or Fonce with. I would have asked for guidence and clarity. But I have grown a bit since the death of my mate. I am better able to deal with my troubles on my own. It is both exhilerating and frightening. Sometimes I do not want to figure things out on my own. I miss, deeply miss, having a stronger hand to hold. I know it's all over my face too, it colors my smiles. Asria the wishing girl.

Tasco fished for another meal and I was eager to offer him one. I enjoy feeding people you know, I always have. I have already made my decision reguarding him and my friendship with him and Yamka. When I bring him a meal tonight though.. I think I will invite him for a walk and try to get a better idea of just how he feels for Yamka and if my friendship.. is going to be a problem for him.

Skies I hope not.

Everything, plus two

I own a basket, I dyed it a bright soft orange color and threaded one of Leis ribbons through it. It sits on my steps and sometimes people leave things in it. Today they left suck in it. But I have to keep in mind that it was I who offered the basket to be filled.

What does it mean to be Tuchuk? I have been a Tuchuk my whole life so forgive me if I struggle with the question. The question of why do I exsist. I am raising Tuchuk Children. I cook for those who may otherwise eat alone. I have allowed my role in the tribe to become the day care provider of the down trodden.

What do I offer the Tribe? It is a strange question to ask someone who has always been tribe. I offer, simply, everything. It would be easier to tell me what you want so I can happily agree that yes, I offer that too. I offer everything and then a little more. I offer my quite words, my hand to hold, I offer my smiles, my time, my thoughts, my ideas, my energy, my .. soul. My Tuchuk soul. And above all that.. I offer my love. I love each and every person I touch, even the people who wish I would go away, I love them too. Because they are Tuchuk, as am I.

It hurts, so badly, to know friends might think I am not offering enough and I admit I briefly felt a desire to quit, to return to Oren and Astar and go back to a more simple, more silent life. I could be happy that way. Being of the Ubars fires is not the only hope I have. But .. it is my hope and I will not abandon it over careless words. I will not go quietly into the night. I will remian here, tall and proud and strong and soft and open and honest.

Even if my honesty is not everyones favorite flavor. Because that flavor? I offer that too.

I am Tuchuk, hear me roar.

Oh really?

I try not to let it bother me, I try so hard to let Fonce's words sooth my fluttering worry. It's all different now, I have not brought my fresh crop of worry to him.. or anyone. This is what I was speaking of when I told Yamka I wished I had someone I could tell my fustrations too.. someone who would hold my hand again. It is difficult to be this alone and yet.. not at all alone.

I could speak to Aamon, I know. I could tell him anything I wanted too and he would listen without judgement and he would hold my hand. We are filling viods for each other. It is so ironic that I am becoming what he wanted from Ayguili and he is becoming what I wanted from Ayguili. We never talk about that though. I do not have the heart to tell him how much the Ubar, his son.. is hurting me.

I have no understanding at all, or guidence, about why I am left behind. Why am I not only last of the women who all came at the same time.. but now behind others who have only come to the fires recently. I watched Ayguili negotiate a bride price.. for a woman who was unringed and not of the first fires. A woman I never met and a man I had never even seen. perhaps other women are better then me when they shrug these things off. Good for them. This.. forgetfulness about me hurts.

I know it cannot be because I do not spend enough time at the fires, because I am there, every day. After my chores.. the chores of an entire family, are finished. After I have fed and bathed my chidlren. After I have washed the clothing, fixed the straps, worked on my own projects, trained with Aamon, sewn the tears, scrubbed the steps, told the stories, cooked the meals, cured the meat.. After all that a million other things.. I come to the fires. Sometimes I go to the stream, to settle in the sweet peace of it's babble. To play with my children.

Certainly it cannot be about this business of tasks? Because I have done every task asked of me, thoughtfully, and perhaps slowly. I take my time about things I deem important. I care for the children fo the broken hearted, the widows sons and daughters. On my own, unasked. I check on Astar, every day.. even though she has all she needs and all I provide is the understanding of friendship. I am growing closer to Oren, as crazy as that seems. Oren is my anchor, she has helped me to understand timing and.. the true meaning of patience. I hate it but I am thankful. Her guidance, which is gentle with me, is just what I need. I do not take it for granted, as I might have .. once. I know her gentleness and kindness with me is special and rare.

So what is it, excatly? What makes me so different? What makes me any less worthy? How can I be expected to know things that have never been told to me? I am fustrated by this guardian business. I do not like feeling this way at all. It is not like me to be unhappy no matter what the situation. I always find the silver lining. I have always strove to the shiny happy girl in yellow.. with tiny white flowers in my hair.

I have had enough of sad. I have had enough of being left behind. I have had enough of being small and quiet. Today I would like to do a little shouting.

And someone better fucking listen.

Sheltered

"Higher Mama!' She shrieked, her little girl giggles lighting up the dusk. Lei and I were dancing in the stream, staying close the edge as we spun in quick circles to see how dizzy we could get. I suppose I am not the most traditional of Tuchuk mothers. But it's pretty common knowledge that I am really good at breaking stereotypes.

We made our splashes go higher, our skirts soaked but our faces were radiant. If any of our friends had come by we would have pulled them rudely into the water with us and shoved our silly girl joy down their throats.

It's lucky they didn’t, right?

Instead we left the stream, my son was napping on a thick blanket on the bank, his hair was growing thick and curly and his dark lashes nestled sweetly against his fat baby cheek. I checked on him as Lei began to gather small white daises and then flopped onto her belly, all out of breath and began to weave a chain.

Yamka arrived and I lit up, pleased to have company, pleased to see her again. She was always avoiding me and acting sullen around me. It was heartbreaking really because I did not understand it. When you laid it all out Yamka was the one who hurt me, she had lied about me and had nearly cost me my life and the life of my son because of her thoughtless words. She had hurt Fonce though me, and the Ubar. Though all of that I had defended her, I had said it was a mistake.. and I was quick to forgive her, quicker then others thought I should have been. So you see.. I never understood why, since then, Yamka acted as I had betrayed her.

I hate feeling like my efforts are wasted.

We had hardly spoken when a man arrived, a stranger to me but not to Yamka. I am amused and somewhat envious of how easily her heart flickers for a man. I do not have so much control over my own emotions, I cannot turn my feelings off for one man and on for another.. Skies I wish I could. I can see that Yamka likes him very much but from our brief meeting I am not so sure he feels the same.

Mating.. it always comes up around Yamka. She said it wouldn’t happen for her for a long time and my lips twitched thoughtfully. "I will be mated whenever Fonce chooses someone worthy of me." Can you imagine such a man? There was meaning in my words and if Fonce had been there his eyes would have met mine briefly.

Yamka frowned at me. "Isn’t the Ubar your guardian?"

I smiled. "Yes, he is."

Who my legal Tuchuk guardian was .. was completely beside the point. If you asked me who spoke for me, who protected me, who guarded me or who kept me hatefully ensconced way up high and out of reach? I would tell you it was Fonce. Even if he denied it I would still tell you that. My persistence is quiet but it is unbreakably strong.

The topic came around to Tasco being.. a bad man.. which appalled me! There is no such thing as a bad Tuchuk! Yamka seemed to agree with him that he was bad but I must have misunderstood that. Tasco laughed, that was his name, and asked me if I was a very sheltered woman.

.. Why does everyone always think I am?

Because you are.

I blushed a little and shrugged. Perhaps I am sheltered; perhaps I like it that way. Perhaps I am the sort of woman a man should shelter. I am fragile, delicate.. and still strong. Riddle me.. me.

Tasco laughed at my reaction, his eyes are dark and they glimmered with the amusement he found in me.

"My father said the only cure for that is a hard slap or a rough fuck."

I was so offended! And, I admit, amused. Yamka had grown quiet, I had not meant to dominate the mans attention, really. I was trying very hard to remain stern and not laugh too much at his.. threat. I am not a blushing virgin, after all.

"If you have a problem with how I live you make speak to the men who speak for me."

He laughed at my parried threat which wasn’t much of a threat at all because Fonce and the Ubar would have thought Tasco terribly funny if either us had told him. He grinned at me and I felt a little blossom of friendship spring up out of the earth.

"I did not say I had a problem with it, only how my father would have fixed it." Aren’t you a smooth talker!

I am pleased to have met Tasco the Scarrer. There is something inside of him I have seen in few men before. Something all the men that were ever important to me had. A sparkle down deep in his eyes. I already trust him. I am already unafraid of him.

I already know.. I am extremely naive.

One Day...

When I was a little girl I saw you once.
You looked at me.
I waved at you.
My Father plucked my hand from the air
and pulled me away.

"Do not talk to that boy."

I would have talked to you anyway
but our paths did not cross again
Until I was a young woman.
Freshly ringed, freshly .. loved.
I blushed when you came by.

"Do not talk to the Ubar."

I wouldn't have then, I follow the rules.
For years you flittered in and out of my world
We rarely spoke, but I cooked for you once.
You told Trayu he was lucky.
Things were only a flicker then.

"Asria..."

You said, that day by the stream.
Your meaningless apoligies kissed my ears.
I handed you my broken heart,
I slipped it in your pocket
all the glittering shards.

"Don't fall down, Don't fall down..."

My white marble pedastal
You carved it just for me.
You made me pretty wings.. that I despise.
A pretty artifact that you cannot touch.
If I dangle my toes, I know you might bite them

"He depends on you."

She told me shortly, knowing I would shake my head.
She took my hands, squeezed them hard
Until I gave in, until I nodded.
I'll be the Madonna, I'll be good.
But one day I'm going to fall..

"..And I do not want you to catch me."

One day I will crash to the ground
One day I will crush my pretty wings.
I will be.. mortal.
And it will be Epic.

-mine

"Can you hear it yet, Asria?"

Aamon has been pushy lately. He made me cry the other day. And it is entirely my fault. I am drowning a little bit in my own emotions and therefore I cannot be of any use to anyone else. I know this because he keeps telling me. I have told my mentor.. all of my secrets, even the dark and dirty ones. He had this idea about purging my soul, clearing out all my mental congestion.

"Shut up for a little bit Asria and listen."

"Listen to .. what?"

"Nothing at all."

My mentor.. the Tuchuck Yoda. I have never been good at truly listening, my thoughts are too loud in my head.. nothing calms me inside. My time has been spent working on my story and sitting at the Singers fires. I have been invited to stay, even without a song yet.. because being a singer kind of has nothing to do with singing. It has everything to do with your heart. Lapla, an elder woman, has declared I have the heart of a singer and that was that. There was no great drama or ceremony.. no one hugged me or said congratulations. Lapla spoke and everyone nodded and I was suddenly.. a singer.

"Do you hear it yet?"

"I can't hear anything!"

"Shut up and listen Asria."

And I did. I sighed heavily and with great frustration I fell back on the grass, on my back, my arms thrown over my head and my body soft. I squinted up at the sun and then I shut my eyes and .. listened.

I heard the hum of tiny beetles, I heard the low sound of the bosk, I heard the distant laughter of children.. my breath slowed and the tickling grass began to fade. I heard the ants marching along the dirt.. I heard a bird screech up high. I heard the pump of my own blood and the steady strong beat of my heart. I listened.

And slowly I began to cry. Great big sobbing crying too. I listened and I heard. Aamon pulled me up to sit and wrapped his strong arms around me. He soothed me like a child while I listened still, cried still. I couldn’t hear over my own sounds and yet I could suddenly hear everything.

I broke though the veil of my own creation. And that’s all the explanation I can muster, it was.. bigger then my mere words can tell.

By the time I returned to Oren to fetch my children it was growing dark. The old woman saw it in me though. Her cane punctured the dirt before me to make me look up and meet her eyes. We shared a long look and I, Asria of the Singers, did not look away. Oren smiled, pleased with whatever she saw today. I .. grinned and hugged her, a tinkle of laughter drowned out her showy protests.

"You are a crazy woman." She admonished me as I released her.

"I know, I know. Isn't it wonderful?" I was all lit up and Oren could barely contain her chuckle as Lei came running around the side of the wagon, hot on the hells of a much older child. She veered towards us though and began dancing around me and telling me a thousand little things about her day. Oren brought the baby out to me. He was nearly 8 months old now and had come to have a strong personality for such a tiny baby. He was just like his sister, Skies help me.

"Will you watch them tomorrow, Oren?"

"If I must." She replied with a heavy sigh.

"If you are not feeling well I can ask..."

"Shush now, I said I would do it and I will do it. Do not question me." She snapped.

I smiled. "Yes, Oren."

My song? It was beginning to be sung