"Family, Mother"

All the biggest news in my life has come this way, though the drummers. I am often the last to know about decisions made on my behalf but, I must say, I have rarely been displeased. I have always been a lucky woman and surrounded by men and women who truly cared for my well being.

Lei and I were returning from a day long trek to the outer wagons. As we have been doing for more then a year now, we bring food and trinkets and slivers of happiness to the newly widowed. We bring stories and songs to the fatherless children and the occasional motherless. I had not done so in several hands, to my chagrin. I admit I was lost in my grief. I lost my son, I lost Trayu.. twice. It would be disrespectful to the memory of my loved ones to return to the land of the living too quickly.. My son deserved my mourning.

I was just beginning to enjoy the feel of sunshine on my skin again as we headed towards Orens wagons. I had not been to see her or Astar since the fire though I had received their gifts, food, well wishes and comfort.

That was when we heard the drummers announce the newest change in our lives.. the happiest one that I could ever remember.

First Fires.

And Fonce.

Lei and I stopped and looked at each other, my daughter smiled first, a slow easy grin that I had achingly missed. Tears welled up in my eyes and I dropped the woven basket I had been carrying to kneel down and hug her. She giggled in my ear and squeezed me much too hard. it was good though.. I think I might have cried harder if she hadn't. I had never felt so relieved.. I had worked for two years for this honor and had been so terribly close to letting go of the dream. it was a lesson. Never give up. I wouldn't again.

"First fires." I repeated as I let her go.

"Family, Mother." She replied with a smile.

And I knew, just knew, everything would be all right again.

Oren watched us from her step, a funny little half smile on her tight lips. I did not hesitate to go to her and hug her gently and, as always, she surprised me with the strength of her return embrace.

"Do not let him down, little singer." She told me, raspy words in my ear.

I only nodded into her shoulder. I had my rules and my precarious position in the world.. one I would never be terribly fond of but I would honor it. For Fonce. I'd be the angel of feminine perfection. I would keep my halo polished and my wings neatly tucked at my side. My toes will not slip again. I will never fail to be the Asria he expects me to be no matter how it makes me look to others.

Everything was going to be all right. I will never fall again.

ooc side note...
I just want to thank Fonce mun for being the best kind of friend anyone could ever hope to have. I do not get to be here much anymore and that is not likely to change soon. Fonce mun never makes me feel bad for it and always asks how I am with genuine interest. That's a rare and special thing. I have known him for many years and have never had a reason to doubt or distrust him. That too is rare and special in this sort of forum. He and the mun of Catch are two of the most honest and real people I have ever had the pleasure to know online and they have been there for me at the best and worst of times. I just wanted to thank you both and tell you that I love you.

Scissors, please.

Today.. I got up.

Today I got up with the sun and left the fires cold, the chores undone and told no one where I would be.

Today I took my daughters hand and walked with her alongside the stream until we thought our legs would collaspse beneath us. And then we rested in the shade of a small, dry tree on the soft yellow grasses. We spoke little at first. Tiny words of comfort and empty smiles. But slowly we began to open up.. away from the harriga, away from judgement and lies and forgotton promises. We began to speak of Trayu.. and Trayus son.

First Son.. Only Son... No Son.

Lei and I began to heal each other though... all the real healing had begun when Fonce silently readied us for the move. It was bridged when Tasco held my hands and kissed them and offered us all he had to give. The only two people in our world that came to see us was the two of them.. thier gestures were like night and day. But both equally needed, equally appreciated. I expected it of Fonce, it is what he does for his family and we are family. But Tasco had surprised me, we are only passing friends. Our conversations have been scattered and brief but always meaningful. He has shown me more friendship that I could expect. I wanted to cook for him again but I have seen that Yamka.. stays with him now.

Irony defined, isn't it? Yamka once sullied my name for sitting at Fonces fires.. but she sleeps in a male prospects wagons. I hope she is greatful for the friends who demanded she be moved back to her own wagons and did not judge her for things obviously beyond her control.

The walk back was slow but.. happier. My Daugther and I smiled a little more, we sang to Trayus son in our hearts and said our goodbyes to her father and her brother. There are many children and families that depend on her and I.. patron saint of widows we are.

There will still be songs to sing and meals to cook. Skirts to wash and leather pants to scrub. I have a child to raise and a heart to mend. There are friendships to nurture and ties to cut.

Ties to cut... if they have not been cut for me already. I have to see Fonce and Ayguili.. I need to speak up. Loudly.

What we lost in the fire...

Fire. Everywhere. I was sleeping. Lei was with me, curled up a hands reach away, her dark curls so like my own were spilled out on the pale yellow brown furs we slept on. First son was with fitfully sleeping in his basket when it happened.. I woke groggily to the sound of screams and crackling wood.

"Mama?" Lei murmured as she sat up and immediately began to cough, a thin haze of smoke was filling the wagon and I was confused in that space between sleep and wake.. where things do not have names and nothing is really solid.

"Asria!" Magda shouted as she stepped into our tent. "Come, quickly!" She was still shouting and realization was dawning..

Plains fire, wild fire.

"Lei! Get up!" I snapped at her as Magda wrapped up the baby. This moment will live forever in my mind, a snapshot of my choice.

"I will take the baby Magda." I reached for him, everything was tinted orange.

"I have him, Grab Lei and run!" She already had him curled into her arm and he was coughing and screaming, there was no time to argue. I.. obeyed. Because I always fucking obey. I kissed his head and grabbed Lei, yanking her up and dashing for the stream. Water.. I wanted to be in the water.

Magda should have been right behind us but everyone was running.. screaming.. searching.. Lei was sobbing into my shoulder, her face was black with the soot in the air. My own the same.. both our cheeks were streaked with tears. Magda should have been behind us in the crowd..

I set Lei in the water, we both crouched into the cooling safe water that was growing dark with the ash that fell like snow.. red and black snow all around us.. I counted my breaths as I watched for her.. Magda should have been behind us in the crowd with my son.

But she never came. Never came. I knew in my heart long before I found them. Lei was left at the stream, nearly seven now and strong and capable. I ran back to the harriga, to the Ubars wagons, I searched for the old spex and my infant son.. Trayu's son. My heart was pounding, my eyes were too bright in the dirt of my skin. I did not see anyone I knew.. but I found them.. Magda had fallen in between the rows and one, of not two wagons had crushed her. She was too weak and too tired to get back up. I found Trayu's son several feet away where he tried to crawl away.. to the safety under another wagon. He had not been crushed but he had gone unseen under there and breathed in smoke until he could no longer breath at all. I fell to my knees in the blackened grass, uncaring of who would see my grief this time. I had hid it well when Trayu died.. I would not hide it well with the loss of my son. I.. screamed. I held his lifeless tiny body to my chest and I screamed at the sky.

I did not think I would ever stop screaming again.

Singer of the.. fires

I gathered up what I had on hand and brought them with me to the main fires. I was brimming with excitement and nervousness but the good kind, the butterflies in my belly kind. Lei and I handed out the small noisemakers we had made and even Magda had come to the Ubars fires to hear me sing for the first time. It was late and dark and I stayed close to the fire so I could not see everyone’s faces, the gathering was mostly in shadow.

It fit how I had been feeling lately.

I began slowly, beating a small drum against my thigh as I circled the fire with slightly exaggerated steps, the tiny bells I had sewn to long strips of cloth and wrapped about my hips and in my hair, they made pretty music along with the drum and the children’s toys. My voice, with much practice, was high and sweet.. Aamon said once it was slightly haunting, it echoed when there was nothing for it to echo from.

Rogar, he had six sons and at least one lovely daughter
The youngest of the strapping youth was not so fond of water.
He was small and he was swift
His mind was never set adrift.
His loyalty it knew no bounds and much he loved his father.

So when one fine bright day, he found a bit of trouble...
He knew exactly what to do to burst that bad boys bubble.
Armed with nothing but his wily wits
He began to plot against those twits
A group of friends he gathered, working on the double.

They were small but they were full of might
And well prepared to end this fight.
They hid among the wagons, swallowing their giggles
They shushed and hushed and waited and wiggled
They were prepared to wait all night!

The bigger boys came by and they were looking for a tousle.
They had no idea about the boys and all there little muscle!
There was a shout, a scream, a cry
Those mean guys were gonna fry.
Next thing they knew those guys were leaving in a hustle!

So take heed about the little ones, too small to fight you back
You might be getting into something you really cannot hack!
Sixth son of Ragnar is a fighter
And his fists are getting tighter!
This little guy, this Cutie pie.. there is not much that he will lack!

When I finished, the children were laughing and giggling. Lei most of all, her big dark eyes shining with pride. Magda was holding First Son, nearly a year old now and clapping his fat little hands and grinning. Fonce was there, I saw a flicker of him in the firelight. He did not smile, exactly, but he nodded and I reconized the glimmer in his eyes. Fonce approved. I wanted to run to hug him, like I would have my father or a brother or Aamon. Despite the silly things people think about Fonce and I, he is first and foremost my family. The things I sometimes feel for him? They are not entirely what a person looking in from the outside might think. They are tangled and confused and all my own. I was remiss that I had not been able to sing for the Ubar but I sang for the tribe.. even if no one heard at all.. I still sang for the tribe.

I had no idea what was coming.. My son was so happy in this moment, so full of life and bright. I could see Trayu in him, in all his features. If I had known then what was going to happen in the fire.. I would have taken him from Magda right then and there.. I would have been a better mother.

Hindsight is always 20/20.